Heartsdelight Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 **Posted before but need more insight** Seeing a man for almost 3 months. Recently learned I needed major surgery. Want to continue to see this guy but I've been hit with this surgery and some other stuff. He's knew of my condition before I learned about the surgery. Communication nor dating has been frequent in the last month. Told this man that we should stop seeing each other because of all this stuff and it's maybe uncomfortable for both of us. Said I really liked him and wished him well. He did respond and still seemed interested, we met up, but again the communication is vague. Need some perspective if you came across this situation. If you started dating someone and learned about something serious like surgery, would that make you uncomfortable? When you start dating you are trying to get to know a person so it's a bit of an unnatural situation. I told this guy to please not feel imposed and that he doesn't need to feel obligated about anything. I just want to continue dating. But maybe subconsciously it's making him keep a certain distance. Or maybe he's not that interested because I sense something is not right. We communicate mostly when I initiate, he often responds quickly but doesn't reach out to me much. He is genuinely busy with a business. I don't think anyone would want to stick around under these circumstances unless you did sort of care. Btw, it's not a sex change surgery Talking about heart or lunch or brain surgery.
NJtoDC Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Communication nor dating has been frequent in the last month. Told this man that we should stop seeing each other because of all this stuff and it's maybe uncomfortable for both of us. Said I really liked him and wished him well. He did respond and still seemed interested, we met up, but again the communication is vague. ...I told this guy to please not feel imposed and that he doesn't need to feel obligated about anything. I just want to continue dating. Did he pull back when you told him you should stop seeing each other? That would be sensible. Why did you say this if you didn't mean it? You really want to continue to date him. I'd figure out what you really want and if it contradicts what you have already told him go have a chat with him- tell him where you are about things and find out where he is. Good luck with your surgery
Author Heartsdelight Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Did he pull back when you told him you should stop seeing each other? That would be sensible. Why did you say this if you didn't mean it? You really want to continue to date him. I'd figure out what you really want and if it contradicts what you have already told him go have a chat with him- tell him where you are about things and find out where he is. Good luck with your surgery He responded right away. I might have come across a little crazy or emotional because of the situation I'm in - may have not communicated the most effectively. But he seemed okay with things. idk. Maybe I'm worrying to much which is silly because I should concentrate on myself. But I did like this guy before all this happened.
NJtoDC Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) He responded right away. I might have come across a little crazy or emotional because of the situation I'm in - may have not communicated the most effectively. But he seemed okay with things. idk. Maybe I'm worrying to much which is silly because I should concentrate on myself. But I did like this guy before all this happened. Sounds like you told him ya'll need to stop dating during an emotional moment. He has pulled back, possibly to honor your direct request. Sounds like you communicated effectively, but that you changed your mind once you had time to process this news. Communication is important. You have stressful things coming up and now you are stressing about this relationship and the confusion you caused and the reaction you are getting that is confusing and not what you really want. I see no benefit in ignoring your concern. Clarity is needed. Go talk to him. Tell him you said things in an emotional moment that you have changed your mind about. Tell him how you feel about him, what you want to see between you, and find out the same from him. I don't think three months in is too soon to expect a man who likes or loves you to continue seeing you through surgery. But see where he is coming from. If he loves you he may well want to be there to support you, and you will get a glimpse into what kinda of partner he would be down the road when the 'in sickness and in health' is legally binding. So go talk to him. Relationships require communication...Then come back and tell me how it goes! My BF and I have been together 7 months. I am having surgery in about 2 months. I look forward to his support and the opportunity to see a side of him now that would be important in marriage. Best luck to you! Edited November 8, 2013 by NJtoDC
MidwestUSA Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I answered you the first time, but I guess it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Sorry.
Author Heartsdelight Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 I answered you the first time, but I guess it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Sorry. No no! I remember! I did appreciate your answer and was grateful. I thought I responded but I was having connection problems that morning. I saw that my response was not there. I also wanted to move up my post to the front of the line by re-posting Thank you!
Author Heartsdelight Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Thank you NJtoDC! It's been stressful and it's early in the relationship, if I can even call it that. I'm torn between communicating and giving things time to develop without assuming anything - like his feelings for me. The communication was a bit scarce before the surgery news but maybe I'm reading into that too heavily because it doesn't mean he's not interested, just busy. I wish you well with your surgery! Mine is about two months away too.
MidwestUSA Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 No no! I remember! I did appreciate your answer and was grateful. I thought I responded but I was having connection problems that morning. I saw that my response was not there. I also wanted to move up my post to the front of the line by re-posting Thank you! Ah, you're welcome. Just a hint, people get frustrated when posters start the same thread over and over, either without replying, or if it seems they're fishing for a better answer, LOL! Best of luck to you, particularly with the surgery! (Your post will move up with each reply, BTW, so if no one replies, bump it yourself)
gomea Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I think you need to communicate everything with him. Figure out first what it is that you want and see how he feels. I feel like communication is vague on his part to fulfill your wishes when you clearly told him that you should stop seeing each other. I mean what is he supposed to do right? You said he still seemed interested but maybe doesn't really know how to act on it when you pretty much ended things. TALK TO HIM. I am on the opposite side of things. Guy ive been dating has been sick for a couple years and doctors cant figure out whats wrong with him. I knew this right from the start and told him straight up that i wanna be there for him through all this because i know we potentially can be great together. But i feel like he's letting me go and im confused as to what to what to do because he hasnt been clear if its over between us or what. So for me, i feel i need to back off to give him space yet i want him to know that i am there for him. Im sharing you this because there is two of you in this relationship. Im sure it isnt easy for him either if he wants to be there for you and you're not letting him. So i suggest you figure out what YOU want first, talk to him, and see how he feels.
NJtoDC Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Thank you NJtoDC! It's been stressful and it's early in the relationship, if I can even call it that. I'm torn between communicating and giving things time to develop without assuming anything - like his feelings for me. The communication was a bit scarce before the surgery news but maybe I'm reading into that too heavily because it doesn't mean he's not interested, just busy. I wish you well with your surgery! Mine is about two months away too. You miscommunicated your true desires with the guy and he adjusted accordingly. The fact that he is still around despite your request suggests that perhaps he is very interested. If you don't stop over thinking this, and start communicating, you are doing both of you a disservice. Relationships require communication. Go do it!
Author Heartsdelight Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Im sharing you this because there is two of you in this relationship. Im sure it isnt easy for him either if he wants to be there for you and you're not letting him. So i suggest you figure out what YOU want first, talk to him, and see how he feels. I was probably most concerned about what he wants and thinks (instead of myself) which has prob caused confusion for both of us. It takes a while to think straight. But I want to continue and I would love his support without him feeling too imposed. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope things work out. That's a tough one to be in esp in how to appropriately support someone you care about. Wish you both well!
JamesM Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 What will be will be... If he wants to be with you, then he will stay through the surgery. And if he doesn't, then it is best you find it out now before you get too serious. FTR, most people who feel strongly for someone else will go through this together no matter how long the relationship. Not quite the same but when my wife and I met, she was going through some major emotional struggles with counseling and ADs. Even knowing her background and all of this, I chose to date her and I knew all of this within the first month or so. It was worth it. I could have easily bailed out and found someone with less baggage, but I wanted her. Still one of my best decisions. Leave the decision in his court and don't push him away or force him to stay.
gomea Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I was probably most concerned about what he wants and thinks (instead of myself) which has prob caused confusion for both of us. It takes a while to think straight. But I want to continue and I would love his support without him feeling too imposed. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope things work out. That's a tough one to be in esp in how to appropriately support someone you care about. Wish you both well! Okay, then you definitely should talk to him. I know it's hard to think straight in situations like these because you don't want to feel like you're being a burden to someone. And as you said you are most concerned to what he wants and how feels so go and talk to him.
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