Did anyone else ever beg their ex for closure?

[Ethereal]

I've felt angry at myself this week because I broke NC after 6 weeks NC & BU. I sent my ex about 4 messages in a row desperately seeking closure 'Can we meet for dinner to talk?, I don't understand...we were so happy, I'm so confused and lost, etc.'

 

My ex ignored all these messages. For whatever reason he's not going to give me closure. Deep down I know that's not that hurts. What hurts is the fact that he has tossed me away like an old toy. I'm struggling to cope with that at the moment... I feel like sending him another message asking him to call me so we can talk...

 

Did anyone else do this after their break up? How did you get through it? Did you go NC and did your ex ever contact you again?

[Syn]

I did this... in the end he gave me a bunch of different reasons, then said some of the reasons were a lie... it was just a mess. I think some of our ex's don't give us closure because they can't - they don't know themselves.

 

I completely understand the feeling of being tossed away just like that.

[mammasita]

Even if your ex responds do you honestly believe that he will tell you the truth? You will NEVER get closure from him - closure comes from you. If you haven't already take a few minutes to read the link in my sig. It helped me.

[Riou]

All you will get are lies.

[greenfairie]

I've been there too. It's one of the most terrible pains I felt. I begged him and pleaded for weeks… He didn't respond and when he did, it was usually BS reasons. How long was the relationship? If it was long and you got serious, he probably is trying to heal on his own without contact.

 

Take care of yourself

[d0nnivain]

Closure is a myth & an illusion. If you get it, ever it will be far into the future for reasons having little to do with your EX.

 

One EX broke my heart. The night he broke up with me I thought he was coming over to propose. Talk about blindsided.

 

A few years later I ran into him at work setting. This was in the days before cell phones. He had a pager with him & told me that his wife was pregnant. Back then the hospital / doctor used to give the dad's a pager so they could come running. I wished him well & he told me the pager was a precaution because his wife was having a C-section on Saturday. I asked if mother & baby were OK. He replied that it was all fine but they were doing this for convenience because he didn't want to be dragged away from work because she went into labor in the middle of his day. I almost lost it. I verbally berated him for subjecting his wife & child to anesthesia & other potential complications for his convenience. In all seriousness he said to me "that's exactly why this isn't your child. You have alway been too inflexible & unwilling to put my needs first." What a jerk. At that point, I actually got my closure.

 

You are never going to get it from talking to your EX. There are no words that person can give you that will make you understand why they did what they did. Stop chasing an illusion because you only make yourself crazy.

[strive]

First, STOP. Don't even think about contacting him again!

 

I remember someone here saying that closure is a myth and I believe that as well. A lot of people think that 'closure' would give them peace of mind and help them move on, but in reality it wouldn't and there are so many reasons why:

 

- your ex is still confused and can't give you a clear answer

- you don't agree with your ex's reason for the breakup

- it will just give you false hope, especially those that say 'I still love you but I don't want a relationship with you'

- they're angry (for whatever reason) and will just try to be mean and nasty

- etc etc etc!!

 

The thing with closure is that you go in there hoping to have a conversation that would make everything clear. You have an EXPECTATION that you're hoping your ex would meet. But they NEVER act the way you want them, so you just get disappointed in the end.

 

So instead of getting closure, you just get your heart broken all over again.

 

Only YOU can give yourself closure, but that is also different with every person/situation.

 

As for me, my ex told me as he was breaking up with me "What do you want, closure?" but I was angry then and I only said "Pfft." Never got the urge to ask for one. Maybe I'm lucky that way.

[strive]

Closure is a myth & an illusion. If you get it, ever it will be far into the future for reasons having little to do with your EX.

 

One EX broke my heart. The night he broke up with me I thought he was coming over to propose. Talk about blindsided.

 

A few years later I ran into him at work setting. This was in the days before cell phones. He had a pager with him & told me that his wife was pregnant. Back then the hospital / doctor used to give the dad's a pager so they could come running. I wished him well & he told me the pager was a precaution because his wife was having a C-section on Saturday. I asked if mother & baby were OK. He replied that it was all fine but they were doing this for convenience because he didn't want to be dragged away from work because she went into labor in the middle of his day. I almost lost it. I verbally berated him for subjecting his wife & child to anesthesia & other potential complications for his convenience. In all seriousness he said to me "that's exactly why this isn't your child. You have alway been too inflexible & unwilling to put my needs first." What a jerk. At that point, I actually got my closure.

 

You are never going to get it from talking to your EX. There are no words that person can give you that will make you understand why they did what they did. Stop chasing an illusion because you only make yourself crazy.

Wow, I feel so sorry for whoever your ex ended up with.

[30andsad]

I sent an email yesterday about the logistics of my ex picking up her things from the house on Saturday.

 

I also tried to get some answers though. I don't know if she even knows why exactly she is doing all of this, but I would just like more insight on what I can focus on to better myself and see exactly where the failure was.

 

No reply yet...

[d0nnivain]

I would just like more insight on what I can focus on to better myself and see exactly where the failure was....

 

 

aaaaaauuuuggggghhhhhhh

 

No. No. No. A thousand times no.

 

You didn't fail. You don't need to better yourself.

 

Don't try to change yourself based on input from sombody who doesn't care about you.

 

 

That said, if your post is indicative to your outlook on life, you need to work on your self esteem. When you like yourself more others will be more drawn to you.

[inaya42]

it is possible to get closure if the ex is self-aware and honest - if by closure you mean the actual reason that the other is walking away and a respectful goodbye. for those exes that rattle off excuses, their reason is simple: they are breaking up because they want to. and it is hard to give reasons for desire: we want what we want...

[Ethereal]

it is possible to get closure if the ex is self-aware and honest - if by closure you mean the actual reason that the other is walking away and a respectful goodbye. for those exes that rattle off excuses, their reason is simple: they are breaking up because they want to. and it is hard to give reasons for desire: we want what we want...

 

Mine won't even rattle off excuses. I'm just being ignored. I don't get it. I'm trying to imagine myself in his position; if someone who loved me kept sending me messages trying to understand but I didn't feel the same way. I'd probably just reply with a kind but honest message wishing them the best.

 

Why ignore? Can they just not be bothered to take a few minutes of their day to reply because we mean that little? Do they feel guilty? Or do they not even know how they feel? It's confusing...

[d0nnivain]

They ignore because they don't have the words &/or they are not strong enough to tell you things to your face that are going to hurt you even more than you are already hurt.

 

You have to let it go, no matter how hard that is.

[AriesGirl803]

Let me tell you my story. My ex didn't even have the decency to break up with me--instead he just dropped off the planet for a few days. Finally, I contacted him and told him it was over (which really didn't even need to be said). He had already checked out. The reason he gave me was that he didn't have time (one of the worst excuses EVER). What he meant was he didn't want to make the time. Big difference there. I was pretty blindsided by it, though. Just the fact that he didn't have any balls to sit me down and just break up with me.

Anyhoo, I instilled NC for 2 weeks--deleted his number, blocked him on social media. However, I pretty much tortured myself the entire time, wondering what I did wrong and asking myself many "what ifs" so I contacted him after 2 wks. He said that he was open to talk and that if I needed to get something off my chest to go ahead. So I wrote him a long letter basically explaining how I felt with him just ignoring me. And pretty much begging for closure. Why, why, why. At the end of it I even stated that I'd like for us to be friends at some point and I didn't want to lose him completely from my life.

Here's what I got in response: nothing. And that told me all I needed to know. I'm not saying it wasn't a hard pill to swallow. But the reality of it is that sometimes people are just ****ty. And they did not care. Its harsh but true. In my own way, I did get closure from writing that letter and putting all my feelings on the table. It really did feel like a weight off of my shoulders. I understand the need to justify and analyze what went wrong. But you'll only drive yourself mad, like everyone else said. Once a person's done with you, they have no reason to respect you. People are just ****ty, theres not much more to say. Oh, and I did not contact him after sending that. I let it be. There was nothing more I could say.

[cavalier99]

Just pick any reason you want and roll with it! Rock on! Cav

[strive]

Mine won't even rattle off excuses. I'm just being ignored. I don't get it. I'm trying to imagine myself in his position; if someone who loved me kept sending me messages trying to understand but I didn't feel the same way. I'd probably just reply with a kind but honest message wishing them the best.

 

Why ignore? Can they just not be bothered to take a few minutes of their day to reply because we mean that little? Do they feel guilty? Or do they not even know how they feel? It's confusing...

No they can't be bothered to reply. They're thinking only of themselves now and if you keep messaging they'll eventually think you're an annoyance. Harsh truth.

[Fufu]

I've felt angry at myself this week because I broke NC after 6 weeks NC & BU. I sent my ex about 4 messages in a row desperately seeking closure 'Can we meet for dinner to talk?, I don't understand...we were so happy, I'm so confused and lost, etc.'

 

My ex ignored all these messages. For whatever reason he's not going to give me closure. Deep down I know that's not that hurts. What hurts is the fact that he has tossed me away like an old toy. I'm struggling to cope with that at the moment... I feel like sending him another message asking him to call me so we can talk...

 

Did anyone else do this after their break up? How did you get through it? Did you go NC and did your ex ever contact you again?

 

I don't think you are seeking for closure. Closure meaning acceptance to the break up. I think you are seeking for answers on why he broke up with you abruptly and maybe to get back with him.

 

Even if he really met you to have a dinner and talk, you will only feel more hurt because he will only talk to you to justify his rights of breaking up with you. And I think he ignored you was because he wouldn't want his decision to get swayed and his decision is firmed.

 

No point contacting someone who doesn't want to be with you willingly. Don't waste time on this guy.

 

Real closure doesn't come from another person, it comes from you. You will find you own closure when you accept this break up and move on.

[Arty54]

It's very understandable that everyone would like closure and to understand why but as posters here have said where does it really get you. The truth is they don't want to be with you and while that hurts as my ex said 'it is what it is! I was in the USA dealing with a family matter and received a letter from her ending our 2yr relationship (engaged for a year) she gave me a full explanation even stating that she still loved me and it was the best and all that but just didn't have the strength of feeling to carry on! Needed space to re-evaluate her life! Did all this help me, no not really because it leaves so many unanswered questions but in reality she just couldn't commit.

All very frustrating but after friendly exchanges of SMS's I have no gone NC as I need to let her go and think about myself and am still currently in the US healing.

[faithfully]

Please huni, llisten these advice. They are all fantastic. I am a living prove that closure is bull**** and doesnt work. It will never get anyonr anywhere, certainly didnt get me.

 

I begged and cried for closure and am actually cringing to admit that i scooped so low and brgged that selfish bastard. Looking now its actually funny.

 

Please go NC, you wont get the closure you want and deserve and everybody who has commented has experienced this including myself

[what_a_blonde]

I don't think you are seeking for closure. Closure meaning acceptance to the break up. I think you are seeking for answers on why he broke up with you abruptly and maybe to get back with him.

 

Even if he really met you to have a dinner and talk, you will only feel more hurt because he will only talk to you to justify his rights of breaking up with you. And I think he ignored you was because he wouldn't want his decision to get swayed and his decision is firmed.

 

No point contacting someone who doesn't want to be with you willingly. Don't waste time on this guy.

 

Real closure doesn't come from another person, it comes from you. You will find you own closure when you accept this break up and move on.

 

This is so true.

 

So, even if he does meet with you trust me, it's not going to go the way you're imagining on your mind. You think you're going to be able to hold it together, you have these rehearsed things in your head that you will say to him... How he will probably react... How you will respond... But it NEVER works out that way. Especially with someone who is being non responsive to start and broke it off with you.

 

I'm not sure why he broke up with you, and you will never be sure what he was feeling that made him suddenly drop you out of nowhere. But one thing you can be sure of is that you are probably better off without him. Especially if things were going so well like you say then he blindsided you... Who needs that kind of instability? If you guys did rekindle, I'd be worried you would constantly be wondering when he is going to blindside you again because he doesn't know how to express or communicate.

 

Sorry for rambling, but believe everyone when hey say that his silence is all the closure you need. If it will help with your closure and you want to contact him one last time, do so but NOT expecting a response!!! You could tell him something along the lines of "after this I'm done trying to contact you. If never talking to me again is what you wanted, then I got the message and I'm done. Not sure what you're dealing with that made you do this to me, but I hope you get that solved bc you can't continue to damage others at the expense of your issues. Best wishes"

 

If you do that, seriously don't expect to hear from him... But you will feel better knowing you've had your final say... And just move on. You deserve better!

[Zahara]

I did the begging. And was ignored. One more text is not going to change his non-response. You have to accept the silence as his way of denying your need for closure. Accept. And the more you keep badgering him, the more he retreats because he DOES NOT want to deal with the emotional drama -- why? He's past it. He doesn't want to deal with feelings, tears, pain, hurt, etc. He's moving on. And you need to do that too.

 

And even if he decided to give you that closure 1) it could all be lies 2) it doesn't change where you are. Closure is accepting that it is over.

[ponchsox]

Yes, and I wish she hadn't answered my calls. Made me seem crazy and caused me to say hurtful things. Didn't get any more closure than when we broke up. She did say she loved me, so at least it wasn't all for not.

[Simon Phoenix]

Only times I've ever gotten "closure" from another person were when I wasn't looking for it because either a) I had already gotten it from myself or b) something happened from their end that turned me off so much that I had no interest in reopening anything.

 

Seeking out closure, like Fufu said eloquently earlier in the thread, is just an excuse to try to maneuver your way back into their heart. And it almost always fails.

[Sugarkane]

It's a pitty you don't get closure like this until maybe years later. Why is this? The dumper should at least give you the decency in giving you answers. I haven't read a breakup book yet that says it's ok to dump someone out of the blue and refuse them answers? Its hard to learn anything from these breakups, if you don't even get a reason! I always hope that one day, someone will eventually do exactly the same thing to them.

Closure is a myth & an illusion. If you get it, ever it will be far into the future for reasons having little to do with your EX.

 

One EX broke my heart. The night he broke up with me I thought he was coming over to propose. Talk about blindsided.

 

A few years later I ran into him at work setting. This was in the days before cell phones. He had a pager with him & told me that his wife was pregnant. Back then the hospital / doctor used to give the dad's a pager so they could come running. I wished him well & he told me the pager was a precaution because his wife was having a C-section on Saturday. I asked if mother & baby were OK. He replied that it was all fine but they were doing this for convenience because he didn't want to be dragged away from work because she went into labor in the middle of his day. I almost lost it. I verbally berated him for subjecting his wife & child to anesthesia & other potential complications for his convenience. In all seriousness he said to me "that's exactly why this isn't your child. You have alway been too inflexible & unwilling to put my needs first." What a jerk. At that point, I actually got my closure.

 

You are never going to get it from talking to your EX. There are no words that person can give you that will make you understand why they did what they did. Stop chasing an illusion because you only make yourself crazy.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

It's a pitty you don't get closure like this until maybe years later. Why is this? The dumper should at least give you the decency in giving you answers. I haven't read a breakup book yet that says it's ok to dump someone out of the blue and refuse them answers? Its hard to learn anything from these breakups, if you don't even get a reason! I always hope that one day, someone will eventually do exactly the same thing to them.

 

 

While I agree with the sentiment, I can also understand why so many movies have a main character who tries to contact his exes to see why he keeps getting dumped.

 

It seems to be a very common thing for people who aren't malicious. A kind person is going to feel very uncomfortable telling you something they think might hurt you. Fighting is involved in many break ups and I don't know if we would all want to hear what the person we care about can't stand about us. Especially after a fight when they are still angry.