End or stay?

[LouisaPeachy]

I'm trying to think where to start as there's a lot. I'm not even sure why I am here I think I have already answered myself. I have posted this on another forum but wanted to see what different people say.

 

I have been with my partner coming up to 4 years. First year was brilliant. But then it went downhill.

Its gone from him throwing in my face that he would rather wank over my sister than have sex with me to I'm a sk.ank, Tramp, Sl.ut (Only ever had two partners him and an ex no nsa fun or anything) wh.ore, retard and many more insults.

I put up with it as he gave me an excuse he's stressed from work.

I'm 28 hes 33. I have a part time job he has a fulltime job of self employment.

He constantly threatens to leave then changes his mind 5 minutes later and everythings ok. I have been gluing us together for past 3 years. If I didnt we'd have been over. I do all the effort I even have to beg him for sex.

The reason I'm here is because we just had another bicker where he thrown my work history in my face. Before I met him I had my own business but I gave it up for him as I knew it would come between us.(Modelling business)

I have had jobs in meantime but mainly part time ones as I don't drive and keep failing my tests I'd need a car to get a fulltime job in my area. I don't want a car to be honest but I feel I need one to shut him up and to get a fulltime job.

I currently do around 20 hours a week. Early mornings too. He's going to his mums now to help her with her rent and he doesnt understand that when he goes I'll be stuck on our rent and bills (he was giving a bit towards it a month and that was struggle to get out of him) he says its my own fault and that I should learn to be able to cope yet his mum is in same position but thats ok. I feel I cant put my point across because its his mum.

Hes threatened that when he goes to her hes not coming back because "You're a f*cking disappointment to me you're a waste of space and I can do so much better so no I doubt I'll be coming back to you" but he cant go until his mum is ready so will need to stay.

He says I havent had a 'real job' since being with him as part time isn't classed as a real job and unless I get a job of 35+ hours a week not on NMW as it doesnt count then he will never respect me as a woman and never be nice to me.

I will admit I am useless. I keep failing my tests. I'm starting to comfort eat because I have nothing better to do, I'm annoying, I'm not perfect and I cant get a fulltime job because I'm failing my driving lessons even I would leave me.

But he's sinking me to the point that I should just give up. I feel even If I did all this he would find another excuse to pick on me. He uses my drinking cola, To how I look. To my wide forehead, To me being messy against me. Yet he smokes weed sometimes, Hardly showers, has a big nose (lol) and has never lifted a finger or cooked a meal for the time we've been together and getting the rent out of him is a nightmare. But thats ok. Just I cant do it. And I never say any of this to him because I dont feel the need to put others down.

 

My household bills total to about £500 a month and he was splitting it with me. My wage is about £425 a month. Now hes going to stay with him mum I'm left with everything and Ill lose my flat etc Yet I cannot argue about it with him because its his mum and I have no say in it. I'm at my wits end.

 

I asked him why he's still here he said he has no where to go yet but once he's up his mums (in few weeks) he won't be back unless I find a fulltime job in next two weeks.. I feel like just saying to him on saturday when he goes to a gig to not to come back. He can go straight to his mums and sleep on her sofa. I feel that I am at the end that maybe no matter how much I love him and want us to get through this that I should just give up and move on. I've put up with his constant insults and bullying for past 3 years and I'm tired.

 

I'm happy in my job I'm a carer and I love my work. My boss has already said that when I feel ready to get a car I can go straight up to full time. But he wants me to find another job because its not good enough for him. I enjoyed my job before of barwork but it was NMW and not enough hours to shut him up so I had to give it up to find a one I can get more hours out of and now I'm in this one he's moaning.

 

As we all know the mind works in wonders and each time I get the balls to ask him to leave for some reason my mind says "no try work this out you cant be without him he's your soul mate just try make it better you'd be nothing without him" (he drilled that into me) so I back out. Then somewhere else in this useless body something says "He's using you you even have to beg for attention and sex you will be able to go back to your modelling and make good money he will never be happy with you or the next girl so you should just let him go and find someone to respect you and not want to change you"

 

I just need some advice its easy to say kick him to the curb but its really hard to do it when you care for someone so much you put a lot of effort in too.

[Syn]

Its gone from him throwing in my face that he would rather wank over my sister than have sex with me to I'm a sk.ank, Tramp, Sl.ut (Only ever had two partners him and an ex no nsa fun or anything) wh.ore, retard and many more insults.

 

Um... what? No. This is never okay.

 

 

I will admit I am useless. I keep failing my tests. I'm starting to comfort eat because I have nothing better to do, I'm annoying, I'm not perfect and I cant get a fulltime job because I'm failing my driving lessons even I would leave me.

 

Did you feel this way before he started insulting you? You shouldn't feel as bad as you do. Everyone moves at different paces and he should be supportive more than anything.

 

I asked him why he's still here he said he has no where to go yet

 

So he's saying he's only with you because he has no where else to stay? That is wrong on so many levels. It sounds like you really love him but it's one sided. I can understand work stress but that is no reason for him to say the things he's been saying to you. So, yeah, you should leave. I know it's hard but it sounds like you're the only one in the relationship at this point, and the sooner you get out the sooner you can start to heal. It sounds like what he's been saying to you is affecting your self-esteem as well and that's just... gah. There's just so many things wrong with what he's been saying to you.

[Grumpybutfun]

Louisa:

This is so toxic that I do not know if I have even heard of enemies treating each other so poorly. You need to go, and fast. This isn't healthy for either of you. To think that someone whom you do not even like is your soul mate is bizarre.

 

Leaving your business was your first mistake. Never give up your livelihood for anyone. If they can't handle, then they are probably not the person for you. You do see the number of red flags in your post, don't you? That is why you know you must go and this time not talk yourself in trying to save something that would have been better off stopped 4 years ago. It will be easier to kick him to the curb than to deal with all this drama for the rest of your life. If you think it will get better, you are delusional. Why would you even want to be with someone who puts conditions on your value as his girlfriend?

Go! Now!

Grumps

[TigerCub]

Hi Louisa,

 

I'm sorry, but I stopped reading after this

 

"I have been with my partner coming up to 4 years. First year was brilliant. But then it went downhill.

Its gone from him throwing in my face that he would rather wank over my sister than have sex with me to I'm a sk.ank, Tramp, Sl.ut (Only ever had two partners him and an ex no nsa fun or anything) wh.ore, retard and many more insults.

I put up with it as he gave me an excuse he's stressed from work"

 

I honestly couldn't read anymore because no matter what else you had to say - my reply to you would still be the same

 

GET OUT!!

DROP THE DOUCHE

Learn to value and love yourself.

 

Why on earth would you even consider staying with someone like him?

 

He'll kill your self esteem and if he moves from verbal/emotional abuse to physical, at some point you'll still stay because by then you won't believe that you deserve better.

 

Please do yourself a favor and leave this guy.

 

Work on respecting and valuing yourself and never let anyone treat you like he did.

[salparadise]

Not that it needs to be said yet again, but if it helps you to open your eyes and see what's so obvious to everyone else then it's worth a few more keystrokes. This is a toxic, dysfunctional, codependent situation that has already diminished your sense of self to the point that you're blinded and paralyzed. You need to extricate yourself without hesitation, without any circular thinking or self-depreciation, and without feeling like you owe him something for the abuse. Get counseling/therapy (today!) and take definitive steps to the find wonderful person you were before you subjugated your life to this mess. Summon your strength and act. Your life depends on it.

[noskilljustluck]

I'm trying to think where to start as there's a lot. I'm not even sure why I am here I think I have already answered myself. I have posted this on another forum but wanted to see what different people say.

 

I have been with my partner coming up to 4 years. First year was brilliant. But then it went downhill.

Its gone from him throwing in my face that he would rather wank over my sister than have sex with me to I'm a sk.ank, Tramp, Sl.ut (Only ever had two partners him and an ex no nsa fun or anything) wh.ore, retard and many more insults.

I put up with it as he gave me an excuse he's stressed from work.

I'm 28 hes 33. I have a part time job he has a fulltime job of self employment.

He constantly threatens to leave then changes his mind 5 minutes later and everythings ok. I have been gluing us together for past 3 years. If I didnt we'd have been over. I do all the effort I even have to beg him for sex.

The reason I'm here is because we just had another bicker where he thrown my work history in my face. Before I met him I had my own business but I gave it up for him as I knew it would come between us.(Modelling business)

I have had jobs in meantime but mainly part time ones as I don't drive and keep failing my tests I'd need a car to get a fulltime job in my area. I don't want a car to be honest but I feel I need one to shut him up and to get a fulltime job.

I currently do around 20 hours a week. Early mornings too. He's going to his mums now to help her with her rent and he doesnt understand that when he goes I'll be stuck on our rent and bills (he was giving a bit towards it a month and that was struggle to get out of him) he says its my own fault and that I should learn to be able to cope yet his mum is in same position but thats ok. I feel I cant put my point across because its his mum.

Hes threatened that when he goes to her hes not coming back because "You're a f*cking disappointment to me you're a waste of space and I can do so much better so no I doubt I'll be coming back to you" but he cant go until his mum is ready so will need to stay.

He says I havent had a 'real job' since being with him as part time isn't classed as a real job and unless I get a job of 35+ hours a week not on NMW as it doesnt count then he will never respect me as a woman and never be nice to me.

I will admit I am useless. I keep failing my tests. I'm starting to comfort eat because I have nothing better to do, I'm annoying, I'm not perfect and I cant get a fulltime job because I'm failing my driving lessons even I would leave me.

But he's sinking me to the point that I should just give up. I feel even If I did all this he would find another excuse to pick on me. He uses my drinking cola, To how I look. To my wide forehead, To me being messy against me. Yet he smokes weed sometimes, Hardly showers, has a big nose (lol) and has never lifted a finger or cooked a meal for the time we've been together and getting the rent out of him is a nightmare. But thats ok. Just I cant do it. And I never say any of this to him because I dont feel the need to put others down.

 

My household bills total to about £500 a month and he was splitting it with me. My wage is about £425 a month. Now hes going to stay with him mum I'm left with everything and Ill lose my flat etc Yet I cannot argue about it with him because its his mum and I have no say in it. I'm at my wits end.

 

I asked him why he's still here he said he has no where to go yet but once he's up his mums (in few weeks) he won't be back unless I find a fulltime job in next two weeks.. I feel like just saying to him on saturday when he goes to a gig to not to come back. He can go straight to his mums and sleep on her sofa. I feel that I am at the end that maybe no matter how much I love him and want us to get through this that I should just give up and move on. I've put up with his constant insults and bullying for past 3 years and I'm tired.

 

I'm happy in my job I'm a carer and I love my work. My boss has already said that when I feel ready to get a car I can go straight up to full time. But he wants me to find another job because its not good enough for him. I enjoyed my job before of barwork but it was NMW and not enough hours to shut him up so I had to give it up to find a one I can get more hours out of and now I'm in this one he's moaning.

 

As we all know the mind works in wonders and each time I get the balls to ask him to leave for some reason my mind says "no try work this out you cant be without him he's your soul mate just try make it better you'd be nothing without him" (he drilled that into me) so I back out. Then somewhere else in this useless body something says "He's using you you even have to beg for attention and sex you will be able to go back to your modelling and make good money he will never be happy with you or the next girl so you should just let him go and find someone to respect you and not want to change you"

 

I just need some advice its easy to say kick him to the curb but its really hard to do it when you care for someone so much you put a lot of effort in too.

 

He's manipulating you to the extent that you're losing your own person. Please dump him. If he really ever loved you, he would man up and be supportive of you. He clearly doesnt loves you and makes you do things to satisfy his ego and to deepen his control. You'll never be happy, you'll probably think that someday he'll love you and may even be that guy that you think is in him, the one you want. But no, it wont be the case. If he hasnt learned in 4 years, he never will.

My ex is like this, thats why I broke up with him because he liked making me do things that are against my perspectives.

[LouisaPeachy]

I keep thinking If I forgive him he'll get better.

I'm not sure why I cant just tell him to leave but something keeps stopping me.

 

He is going to his mums in 2 weeks to stay with her for a few months to help her with her rent.

 

He keeps saying 'Unless you get a job and a car by then (I have to pass lessons first) then I'll come back'. I wont get a car and a job by then anyway so maybe its a good thing he's threatened this.

 

Either way the distance might give me the balls to tell him not to come back.

[Kate9292]

I keep thinking If I forgive him he'll get better.

I'm not sure why I cant just tell him to leave but something keeps stopping me.

 

He is going to his mums in 2 weeks to stay with her for a few months to help her with her rent.

 

He keeps saying 'Unless you get a job and a car by then (I have to pass lessons first) then I'll come back'. I wont get a car and a job by then anyway so maybe its a good thing he's threatened this.

 

Either way the distance might give me the balls to tell him not to come back.

 

Don't!

 

This guy is beyond disrespectful.

 

He needs psychiatric help, not your forgiveness.

[Uwaae]

this guy shouldnt be calling you these names.

But, I dont know if youre guilty of doing the same thing.

 

Maybe the guy just wants you to start working more, thats it. He thinks that youre not independent enough. Show him that youre independent

[LouisaPeachy]

this guy shouldnt be calling you these names.

But, I dont know if youre guilty of doing the same thing.

 

Maybe the guy just wants you to start working more, thats it. He thinks that youre not independent enough. Show him that youre independent

 

 

Im annoying as I like to talk a lot. I'm no where near perfect and I have screamed at him a few times to tell him to backoff.

 

I hate arguing so I tend to walk out the room.

I've worked out staying quiet is better than swearing. Not that I swear anyway.

 

I pretty much obey because its easier to be able to on things. I cant be arsed to agrue all the time so its better to just do it.

 

He's leaving at end of week if I stick to my guns.