ThomasJW Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) Hey all, I need some help in my current situation. In short; Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up 2 months ago on mutual grounds, we agreed that the best thing to do was to stay as friends for now as both of us as she hit a rough patch in her life and needed some time to herself. However when a fight a few days after breaking up came about between us I said to her that I won't talk to her for another few months to then contact her to start fresh between us, but after 3 days she contacted me saying she can't stand me not being there and she wants to start fresh now not in a few months time, I agreed. Since that no contact/healing period she's been rather off talking to me most of the time, It's mostly me that starts a conversation (I don't assesively do it, I leave around 3-4 days in between before talking again as she did request I give her space) but I always find myself stood here while she cuts out mid-way for no reason, we don't get close to half an hour of talking before this happens but sometimes she comes back and picks up the conversation later, but not always. I understand some weeks are good for her and others are not as she has been diagnosed with fairly high depression by her therapist, but some times (Like once every week or so) she sends me a message asking for help, then when I respond giving her some help she drops me again without word. She's a really lovely girl but i hate feeling I'm always left hanging, I've given her the space she asked for, I've done all i can to help ease things between us and to help her as much as I have been doing for the past year. Such as when she was upset when we were dating she always liked talking to me because that cheered her up, but now I don't get that chance to like I did. She said to a mutual friend a few days back that it is her own fault she cuts out mid-way through the conversation, she doesn't know what to say to me and that this is unfair on me, I can understand but surely after 4 weeks she would have managed to say something more than just 3-10 posts to me? If that's not enough a week back she told the same mutual friend then told me herself after that she misses me/us but if I "Have someone I'm not going to get in the way" When I'm not with anyone or even thinking of dating girls at the moment, a day or two after someone (Which I'm still thinking is her or a close friend of hers) was spreading a rumor around saying I had kissed a girl and she came to me straight away asking me if I had, she did sound quite upset. I feel like she's avoiding talking because she's scared of getting hurt again if we do get back, (I was her first proper boyfriend, her actual first before I met her hurt her and sent her death threats after she dumped him pushing her confidence down and causing this depression issue) I understand as she's feeling like this she needs space and time to herself, but I just want to help. Two questions for you all: 1) What can I do to try ease things between us so I can try help her? 2) Why does she suddenly pop out of the conversation like this? Any help is appreciated. Note: She did do this to me before but it was for a much shorter period like say 3 days, she then started talking to me more even flirting out of the blue, but for the past two weeks things have not really been too well from what I know, but I am still helping her when she wishes. Edited November 8, 2013 by ThomasJW
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 People say they want to be friends after a break up because it's a nice, polite thing to say & most folks even if they want the relationship to be over, don't harbor ill will toward the other person. They don't really want continued interactions. To ease the tension, stay away. Don't call. Don't text. If you bump into each other, be pleasant but brief. 1
Author ThomasJW Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 People say they want to be friends after a break up because it's a nice, polite thing to say & most folks even if they want the relationship to be over, don't harbor ill will toward the other person. They don't really want continued interactions. To ease the tension, stay away. Don't call. Don't text. If you bump into each other, be pleasant but brief. Many thanks for the reply. After the split I was and still am being cautious to not contact her as much as I used to as she requested space, we already have gone through the period of hostile feelings/ tension between us and since that has been resolved. As said I just want to be her friend right now to help her with these depression issues, I would like go NC for the next few days but I'm still guessing if that is the wisest course of action for this situation. Can anybody help?
Author ThomasJW Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 How long were you guys together? We were together for 7 months from 31st May to 25th September, however mid-way through the relationship her parents said I'll need to take it slower for her to compensate, which was a bad idea as she then lost her confidence and It's now been 6 months since I last saw her but 2 since we broke up. (As said she has serious depression issues, it's been effecting her more than a year and a half now)
Zahara Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Thomas, it is a break-up. No more, no less. You being present in her life, not because you want to help, but your underlying need to hopefully change the course of what happened and get back together. You cannot be there as a friend in support of her going through depression at the expense of you getting disappointed and hurt by her actions. Her depression is her issue to deal with. She has family and friends to support her. The ending of the relationship ceases you being a shoulder to lean on or her pillar of support. There is no picking and choosing what role you play in each others lives after the break-up because there is no relationship or friendship anymore. What is left post-breakup is the need to process your grief, and your journey to heal from this. "Friends" has no place in a situation whereby two people or at least one is holding on emotionally. I would suggest you go strict NC. She can't have bits and pieces of you just because it's convenient to her. And you can't be a crutch for her because at the end of the day, it will only hurt you.
j.gman Posted November 10, 2013 Posted November 10, 2013 Hey all, I need some help in my current situation. In short; Me and my ex-girlfriend broke up 2 months ago on mutual grounds, we agreed that the best thing to do was to stay as friends for now as both of us as she hit a rough patch in her life and needed some time to herself. However when a fight a few days after breaking up came about between us I said to her that I won't talk to her for another few months to then contact her to start fresh between us, but after 3 days she contacted me saying she can't stand me not being there and she wants to start fresh now not in a few months time, I agreed. Since that no contact/healing period she's been rather off talking to me most of the time, It's mostly me that starts a conversation (I don't assesively do it, I leave around 3-4 days in between before talking again as she did request I give her space) but I always find myself stood here while she cuts out mid-way for no reason, we don't get close to half an hour of talking before this happens but sometimes she comes back and picks up the conversation later, but not always. I understand some weeks are good for her and others are not as she has been diagnosed with fairly high depression by her therapist, but some times (Like once every week or so) she sends me a message asking for help, then when I respond giving her some help she drops me again without word. She's a really lovely girl but i hate feeling I'm always left hanging, I've given her the space she asked for, I've done all i can to help ease things between us and to help her as much as I have been doing for the past year. Such as when she was upset when we were dating she always liked talking to me because that cheered her up, but now I don't get that chance to like I did. She said to a mutual friend a few days back that it is her own fault she cuts out mid-way through the conversation, she doesn't know what to say to me and that this is unfair on me, I can understand but surely after 4 weeks she would have managed to say something more than just 3-10 posts to me? If that's not enough a week back she told the same mutual friend then told me herself after that she misses me/us but if I "Have someone I'm not going to get in the way" When I'm not with anyone or even thinking of dating girls at the moment, a day or two after someone (Which I'm still thinking is her or a close friend of hers) was spreading a rumor around saying I had kissed a girl and she came to me straight away asking me if I had, she did sound quite upset. I feel like she's avoiding talking because she's scared of getting hurt again if we do get back, (I was her first proper boyfriend, her actual first before I met her hurt her and sent her death threats after she dumped him pushing her confidence down and causing this depression issue) I understand as she's feeling like this she needs space and time to herself, but I just want to help. Two questions for you all: 1) What can I do to try ease things between us so I can try help her? 2) Why does she suddenly pop out of the conversation like this? Any help is appreciated. Note: She did do this to me before but it was for a much shorter period like say 3 days, she then started talking to me more even flirting out of the blue, but for the past two weeks things have not really been too well from what I know, but I am still helping her when she wishes. Well, you two broke up so I don't see any point of you keep texting her. You should leave her alone for awhile.
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