No support from my sister

[Janni]

I am going through this horrible lifechanging BU. I feel like I am in the midst of a horrible divorce, with an ex who blames me for everything, though he was the one who cheated and left me for her.

 

As emotionally devastating as that is, it get's worse. I could handle focusing on getting through this heartbreak and learning how life is when you're not with someone you love. I could build it all up from scratch and start over. But when my classmates complain about my absence and lack of participation in groupwork, it get's worse. Then I have to make them understand too. And they dont. It's hard enough as it is, trying to accept that I am unable to be the composed, strong and organized woman I used to. But when others complain about it and also cant understand or accept that I cant be that person right now, it makes it even harder. And on top of that, when things like that happened before, I'd always call my ex and he would make everything better.

 

And as if that's not horrible or devastating enough, it's not the only problem I have. Since a month before the BU, my sister has been angry with me. It's a complicated story, but basically she got angry because we shared my dads car while he worked in India and while we were trying to sell it for him. I picked it up one day and didn't return it until four days later, because I knew my sister was going to graduation parties every single night throughout that period, so she wouldn't need it anyway. Well, she did and she got angry with me for not jumping through hoops for her and bringing her back "her" car. Then she wanted me to pay for the diesel that was on the car when I picked it up - Though I had refueled it. And in the end she told me, the diesel was my birthday gift.

 

When she heard about my BU, she wrote me one text saying she'd listen if I needed it. When I told her she situation, I somehow offended her and she never responded back to me. It's been months.

 

A couple of days ago I found out she'd unfriended me on Facebook. And today I see she's blocked me on instagram.

 

This, on top of everything else, just makes me crumble and fall. I dont know what to do or how to get through this. I could get through one of these things, but I cant go through all three of them. Well. Four. Because my ex is also blaming me for his money issues and convinced I owe him money, which I dont.

 

I dont know what to do. I dont know how to get through this.

[Janni]

I could really use some help..

[Zahara]

Janni, I'm sorry you're having to face too much at one time.

 

I think you have to face one thing at a time. With your sister, since she's giving you the silent treatment and being very passive towards you, you could send her a heartfelt letter, explaining the car situation, expressing your need for you both to be sisters again and letting her know that when she is ready to talk to you, you will be there to talk about how to fix your relationship with her again. Tell her you love her, you miss her and then let that be.

 

Next priority. "It's hard enough as it is, trying to accept that I am unable to be the composed, strong and organized woman I used to." You need to fix this. Accepting it is not an option, but changing it is your priority. You cannot let your education go the wayside because of a man. Your participation in school takes precedence over him. I know it's hard but you have to set rules for yourself. You are allowed to cry, mope when you get home. Give yourself a couple of hours to do that to purge your feelings, write in your journal, cry in the shower, vent to your friend. Then you gather yourself and focus on what's ahead of you. You CANNOT let your feelings take over you for days on end and let it engulf you. You must control your bad emotions because if you don't you will be overcome.

 

When you walk into school, you have to consciously change your mindset. And maybe you fall into a puddle of tears when you get home, feel exhausted from trying to hold yourself up, but if you keep doing it, you will be able to slowly start reframing and refocusing. You have to train your brain to focus on your priorities. Your brain is now being trained by you to focus on ex. You have to turn that around.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Zahara

[Janni]

Janni, I'm sorry you're having to face too much at one time.

 

I think you have to face one thing at a time. With your sister, since she's giving you the silent treatment and being very passive towards you, you could send her a heartfelt letter, explaining the car situation, expressing your need for you both to be sisters again and letting her know that when she is ready to talk to you, you will be there to talk about how to fix your relationship with her again. Tell her you love her, you miss her and then let that be.

 

I just feel so wronged. I really feel I shouldn't have to apologize and she's way overreacting by blocking me and everything. It's not like I'm nagging her or anything. It hurts me so much. Besides, it wouldn't help. Maybe she'd get better, but it wouldn't take one day before she'd be angry with me again. I dont know what it is, if it's because I'm her big sister. But everything I say, every time I try to help, every time she asks for my help and I put other things aside to help her because she needs me, every time I do anything she gets angry with me. She yells at me. And then one day later she acts as if nothing happened. I cant do that. It's mental torture. It hurts me so much every single time and then she wants me to act as if it never happens a day later, because she's not angry anymore. Well, she still yelled at me and everything. It's happened so many times and it's breaking me. I cant deal with that. And I especially cant deal with her just abandoning me when she knows what I'm going through. I cant even understand how she can believe it's okay.

 

Next priority. "It's hard enough as it is, trying to accept that I am unable to be the composed, strong and organized woman I used to." You need to fix this. Accepting it is not an option, but changing it is your priority. You cannot let your education go the wayside because of a man. Your participation in school takes precedence over him. I know it's hard but you have to set rules for yourself. You are allowed to cry, mope when you get home. Give yourself a couple of hours to do that to purge your feelings, write in your journal, cry in the shower, vent to your friend. Then you gather yourself and focus on what's ahead of you. You CANNOT let your feelings take over you for days on end and let it engulf you. You must control your bad emotions because if you don't you will be overcome.

 

When you walk into school, you have to consciously change your mindset. And maybe you fall into a puddle of tears when you get home, feel exhausted from trying to hold yourself up, but if you keep doing it, you will be able to slowly start reframing and refocusing. You have to train your brain to focus on your priorities. Your brain is now being trained by you to focus on ex. You have to turn that around.

 

I do go to classes. Most of them. What I mean is, that I am an organized, clever, strong woman. I am the person whom others go to, if they're not sure when the deadline is, or how to do this or that or if they dont understand some of the theories. Thats me. I know everything. I am in control. And know. Know it's a struggle to even get out of bed. All my energy goes into going to class and being present. I cant even pull myself together enough to study when I get home or to keep track of the deadlines or anything. I just go to class, attend and go home. Yes, a lot of students are like that. At least half my class are at that level of commitment. But because I've always been so serious and committed and organized and known all the theories, everyone nags me. I do finish everything I have to. But only barely. And I do whatever I have to. I am not failing a single course. But this is so different from the usual me. It's like going from always winning the gold, to know being happy and struggling to just finish the race. And for some people that's all they can ever dream of. Right now it's all I can ever do, because of the situaton. And I am trying to be alright with that. But when my classmates, on top of my own conscious, starts to nag me and tell me that I have to do better, it just makes me feel like such a failure. Even though I am actually at the same level as them. The only difference is that I am usually much better than them.

if it makes any sense.

[Zahara]

If your relationship with your sister is volatile consistently, then maybe it would be time for you to place some boundaries and stay firm. You could still write that letter, and I'm not asking you to apologize but state how you feel when she treats you the way she does. She sounds somewhat self-centered and sometimes when people are in that mindset, they tend to not be aware of how you're feeling and how their actions affect you. You can tell her how you hope to have a better relationship with her, stating what you feel needs fixing and changing, along with you instilling healthy boundaries that allow you to still be sisters but still be at a distance that doesn't allow her to disrespect and take you for granted. Have your say and then leave it at that. You can't control how she reacts to it. I know it's hard. We all have siblings that we butt heads with but if she is acting immature, then you have to take the high road, acknowledge that it's stemming from her own issues and that YOU are not responsible or in the wrong for her acting the way she does. At some point you have to step back and let go of what you cannot control. Stressing over a little sister that still has a lot of growing up to do will only cause you undue worry and anxiety.

 

As for school, I understand that after a break-up, you will fall into some level of depression. And since it's been a couple of weeks since the ex decided to mess with you head, it's understandable that you have no motivation or joy to face life. But you cannot stay there too long, Janni. If you do, you will have a hard time getting out.

 

I know what it's like to want to just lay in bed. But you have to push. Tomorrow is Saturday. Tonight you plan your day. I will wake up at 8:30AM. Set the alarm. So, 8:30AM - Wake up. (No laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Alarm rings, you jump out, brush your teeth and shower). 9:00AM - Prepare a healthy breakfast. 10:00AM - Go to the gym and exercise for an hour. 12:00PM - Pack a lunch bag and eat at the park. 1:00PM - Study (and even if you're reading the same line over and over again, keep at it. Everytime you realize you are drifting, pull yourself back in). At night, set aside an hour to plan your schedule for school the next day. Once you've done all that, if you want to lay on the ground and cry your heart out, do it.

 

Plan your days. And you HAVE to stick to it. You cannot spend your day sleeping, moping and allowing yourself to wallow and doing the bare minimum. Yes, your friends are pushing you because they want you to excel, they want their old friend back, they want to see you happy. Don't feel like a failure because they do that, feel cared for and loved for because they are trying to push you to move forward. They may not be able to understand your battle but don't take it negatively. You should talk to them and tell them how you are feeling. It would help them support you better.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Zahara

[Janni]

If your relationship with your sister is volatile consistently, then maybe it would be time for you to place some boundaries and stay firm. You could still write that letter, and I'm not asking you to apologize but state how you feel when she treats you the way she does. She sounds somewhat self-centered and sometimes when people are in that mindset, they tend to not be aware of how you're feeling and how their actions affect you. You can tell her how you hope to have a better relationship with her, stating what you feel needs fixing and changing, along with you instilling healthy boundaries that allow you to still be sisters but still be at a distance that doesn't allow her to disrespect and take you for granted. Have your say and then leave it at that. You can't control how she reacts to it. I know it's hard. We all have siblings that we butt heads with but if she is acting immature, then you have to take the high road, acknowledge that it's stemming from her own issues and that YOU are not responsible or in the wrong for her acting the way she does. At some point you have to step back and let go of what you cannot control. Stressing over a little sister that still has a lot of growing up to do will only cause you undue worry and anxiety.

 

Okay. I will consider the letter. Though I dont feel like pouring my heart out to someone who's hurt me and acting like her, even if she's my sister. Maybe.

 

As for school, I understand that after a break-up, you will fall into some level of depression. And since it's been a couple of weeks since the ex decided to mess with you head, it's understandable that you have no motivation or joy to face life. But you cannot stay there too long, Janni. If you do, you will have a hard time getting out.

 

I know what it's like to want to just lay in bed. But you have to push. Tomorrow is Saturday. Tonight you plan your day. I will wake up at 8:30AM. Set the alarm. So, 8:30AM - Wake up. (No laying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Alarm rings, you jump out, brush your teeth and shower). 9:00AM - Prepare a healthy breakfast. 10:00AM - Go to the gym and exercise for an hour. 12:00PM - Pack a lunch bag and eat at the park. 1:00PM - Study (and even if you're reading the same line over and over again, keep at it. Everytime you realize you are drifting, pull yourself back in). At night, set aside an hour to plan your schedule for school the next day. Once you've done all that, if you want to lay on the ground and cry your heart out, do it.

 

Plan your days. And you HAVE to stick to it. You cannot spend your day sleeping, moping and allowing yourself to wallow and doing the bare minimum. Yes, your friends are pushing you because they want you to excel, they want their old friend back, they want to see you happy. Don't feel like a failure because they do that, feel cared for and loved for because they are trying to push you to move forward. They may not be able to understand your battle but don't take it negatively. You should talk to them and tell them how you are feeling. It would help them support you better.

 

I hope you understand that I go to school 4 out of 5 times. I don't know how to explain it better, but I am going to school. I am just not myself. I am almost like a zombie. Though I do feel it getting better day by day. Sometimes I even manage to have fun and not think about my ex for an hour. So that's good.

 

My friends don't nag me because they want me to get better. They do it because they need/want me to be the person I used to be - Taking control, knowing everything, so they can do as little work as they want. Instead I am down at their activity level and that's not good enough for them. My best friend in class even told me she needed me and wasn't sure how to go through this semester without me as the strong person I usually am. That she really had a hard time, now that I wasn't next to her. Which is nice and makes me happy, but it also puts a lot of pressure on me.

[Zahara]

If you don't feel like sending a letter, you don't have to. If sending a letter helps you put your feelings and thoughts on paper in hopes she gets your point, then do that. If you feel it helps you put closure to it and helps you move on from it, then do it. If you feel it's the last thing on earth you want to do, then let it go BUT make very sure within yourself that it is not your issue and you are not responsible for how she's behaving. As in you shouldn't allow yourself to be affected by her actions. It's completely your choice to do it. I'm only suggesting it.

 

You are explaining it fine. And my response to you is exactly that. It's understandable you are a zombie. You just broke up. You are going to feel depression but you cannot stay there too long. You said you can't get out of bed so I suggested you plan your day to give you that push you need when you do feel down and out.

 

If you feel that your friends only want you back so that you can take the load again and leaving them with less work, then they aren't your friends. In that sense, you have poor boundaries. You're not their mother. You need to change that. Friends are supposed to be elevating you when you are down. Instead they are pushing you to be there for them, when they should be there for you in this time of need.

 

Boundaries, Janni. You need them. You go above and beyond for your sister only to get trampled on. Then you do everything for your friends and when you're down, they're not happy because you are not giving them what they need. Sounds an awful lot like co-dependency. Read up on it.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Zahara

[Janni]

If you don't feel like sending a letter, you don't have to. If sending a letter helps you put your feelings and thoughts on paper in hopes she gets your point, then do that. If you feel it helps you put closure to it and helps you move on from it, then do it. If you feel it's the last thing on earth you want to do, then let it go BUT make very sure within yourself that it is not your issue and you are not responsible for how she's behaving. As in you shouldn't allow yourself to be affected by her actions. It's completely your choice to do it. I'm only suggesting it.

 

Even if I don't think I should write her a letter, and I don't think I did anything wrong, I can't just stop getting affected by my little sister cutting me out of her life. But I can stand my ground.

 

I know they are not real friends. I don't consider them as such. And that's why I haven't told them everything about what I'm going through, but they don't get that.

 

I will read up on it.

[Mariposa10]

I don't really have much advice to give you. The only thing is that my sister did not support me while going through my breakup nor did I need her support... We love each other and all that but our relationship has always been kind bumpy, so maybe that's why for me it was not a big deal.

 

I think you need to stop thinking about your sister, and keep focusing on yourself. Thinking about the problems you have with your sister does not help your healing process AT ALL.

[Zahara]

Even if I don't think I should write her a letter, and I don't think I did anything wrong, I can't just stop getting affected by my little sister cutting me out of her life. But I can stand my ground.

 

I know they are not real friends. I don't consider them as such. And that's why I haven't told them everything about what I'm going through, but they don't get that.

 

I will read up on it.

 

The letter isn't to admit fault but for you to express your feelings as to why you are hurt by her actions, what you feel needs to change, etc. I'm not asking you to apologize of admit wrongdoing. That is all it was. Cutting you off social media is just immature. Let it go. She'll come around when she realizes you are paying her no mind. I have a feeling she is an attention seeker. She likes that you do it all for her and she knows you will because through all her BS, you're there. Let her feel you absence.

[aybc123]

What kind of sister deletes you from Facebook? :/ I don't really get what you could've said for that to happen.

[Mariposa10]

What kind of sister deletes you from Facebook? :/ I don't really get what you could've said for that to happen.

 

This is just immaturity. I don't think her sister is evil, she just immature.

[headinthecloud]

Some people just can't handle the emotional pain you're going through so they cut you off abruptly. It's horrible. I know because a very close friend did the same to me...that's when I found this forum. I had to find my own path of healing and stopped looking to others to help me through it.

 

You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else. When your thoughts stray to others try to refocus them to you and how you can better yourself and create a happy life. You will surprise yourself.

[JDPT]

I can certainly resonate with your current situation. Throughout my breakup my brother as been intermittently there for me. I can't be upset at him as he works crazy hours and has his own issues to deal with but I somehow managed to inadvertanly build resentment towards him. I'm not certain that your sister is handeling this care issue maturely. You can't allow a vehicle to get between you guys, at the end of the days you guys are sister. However, you are certainly dealing with too much I would only suggest to try to minimize your heartaches until you are in a better mental state. I really hope it all works out for you.

[Janni]

I think you need to stop thinking about your sister, and keep focusing on yourself. Thinking about the problems you have with your sister does not help your healing process AT ALL.

 

Yes, I think so too and most of the time I do not think about it. But when I find out she's deleted me or blocked me, that ofc upsets me.

 

The letter isn't to admit fault but for you to express your feelings as to why you are hurt by her actions, what you feel needs to change, etc. I'm not asking you to apologize of admit wrongdoing. That is all it was. Cutting you off social media is just immature. Let it go. She'll come around when she realizes you are paying her no mind. I have a feeling she is an attention seeker. She likes that you do it all for her and she knows you will because through all her BS, you're there. Let her feel you absence.

 

I see. In that case I will consider writing it. I don't think she realizes how much it affects me - or that it does affect me at all.

 

What kind of sister deletes you from Facebook? :/ I don't really get what you could've said for that to happen.

 

I am shocked too. She deleted our dad earlier this year too, because she was angry with him. (I was too, but I didn't delete him.)

 

This is just immaturity. I don't think her sister is evil, she just immature.

 

Yes, she is. And I think she wants some sort of reaction.

 

Some people just can't handle the emotional pain you're going through so they cut you off abruptly. It's horrible. I know because a very close friend did the same to me...that's when I found this forum. I had to find my own path of healing and stopped looking to others to help me through it.

 

You are responsible for your own happiness, no one else. When your thoughts stray to others try to refocus them to you and how you can better yourself and create a happy life. You will surprise yourself.

 

I believe she does struggle a bit. She cant imagine my situation at all. but I also think she's just stubborn.

 

Yes, and I try not to think about it, but when she deletes me and blocks me, it affects me and hurts me.

 

I can certainly resonate with your current situation. Throughout my breakup my brother as been intermittently there for me. I can't be upset at him as he works crazy hours and has his own issues to deal with but I somehow managed to inadvertanly build resentment towards him. I'm not certain that your sister is handeling this care issue maturely. You can't allow a vehicle to get between you guys, at the end of the days you guys are sister. However, you are certainly dealing with too much I would only suggest to try to minimize your heartaches until you are in a better mental state. I really hope it all works out for you.

 

Yes, I have build some resentment towards my sister too, because she should be able to look past her anger and understand, that I need some support. In my opinion.

 

I don't really know how to minimize my heartaches.

[Janni]

So it just keeps getting worse..

My friends .. "friends" are fed up with me being sad. They dont want to listen to me or talk with me about it anymore. When I open up, they dont respond or just says "okay". I feel so alone in this world.

 

My dad keeps nagging me about my sister. Saying I'm the older sister so I should apologize and make everything better. That it's my responsibility. She blocked me on snapchat too. And despite that, my dad still thinks I should contact her and find out when she needs to take the bus to get to my grandparents' in time for family dinner tonight. Like she can yell at me, treat me as horrible as she wants and I cant be mad, or want her to apologize because I am the older sister and I have to accept everything. Let her treat me as disrespectful as she wants.

 

I cant deal with this. I feel like I am drowning. I have no one to talk to about it. Both my parents believes I should be the grown up and let my sister do whatever she wants because she's the younger sister. She's 20 fgs. She's not a child. And as I said, all my "friends" ignore me. They only "support" me in going out with me and socializing with me. But no talking about anything that bothers me. I dont know how to get through this.

[j.gman]

Hey, at least you're having a lot of friends around after a breakup.

You should hang out with them and clear your mind of the breakup.

[aybc123]

you cant expect your friends to always be able to lend an ear, they should be able to initially but its very possible to lean on them too much and exhaust their patience. It sounds harsh but it's the reality, they want the old you back, the one that they enjoyed being friends with and while they may be sad that you're upset they can also be exhausted with it, especially if nothing they say really helps. The only exemption here is if you have a friend who is also heart broken because misery loves company.

 

Remember as much as it may feel like they are sometimes friends are not family, they don't have to love you (your sister is a different issue here). If you cant talk to your parents about it or your sister then i'd suggest taking up some kind of counselling service, you're in glorious socialist nordic europe so there should be a free one, this way you can have someone whose job it is to listen to you be sympathetic and help you figure out your problems and it will keep you from pushing your friends away and making the situation worse.

[Janni]

you cant expect your friends to always be able to lend an ear, they should be able to initially but its very possible to lean on them too much and exhaust their patience. It sounds harsh but it's the reality, they want the old you back, the one that they enjoyed being friends with and while they may be sad that you're upset they can also be exhausted with it, especially if nothing they say really helps. The only exemption here is if you have a friend who is also heart broken because misery loves company.

 

Remember as much as it may feel like they are sometimes friends are not family, they don't have to love you (your sister is a different issue here). If you cant talk to your parents about it or your sister then i'd suggest taking up some kind of counselling service, you're in glorious socialist nordic europe so there should be a free one, this way you can have someone whose job it is to listen to you be sympathetic and help you figure out your problems and it will keep you from pushing your friends away and making the situation worse.

 

Yes, I am aware of that. Though it might have seemed otherwise. And I do try not to exhaust their patience but telling them to tell me if I talk too much about my heartache and tell them to tell me to stop. What bothers me is when they dont, when they say it's okay and then they ignore me. That's just unfair. My mother has had enough, too. She cant see me unhappy anymore, so I dont really talk to her. Only when it's really bad - Like when my ex emailed me. And my dad .. Yeah. I'm daddy's girl and he cant understand that I am this hurt, because in his eyes I am a beautiful young woman who's every guys dream. And my ex was a douchebag who doesnt deserve a single thought from me. So he isnt good at lending a shoulder to cry on. Also, he's always been the type of man to not fight for anything. He just gets angry as **** and leaves, because "it/she/he isn't worth it." So LS is really my biggest support right now.

 

Okay, I dont know what you know about Scandinavia and more specifically Denmark, but you rarely get counseling for free. That only happens if your admitted somewhere. Otherwise it's limited - Four or six sessions if you've been raped or tried committing suicide. But yes, I am seeing a therapist and paying for it. I do get a student discount. It's still expensive but I need to see her for my own sake.