Is it over once you start daydreaming about a relationship with someone else?

[Moonbeam18]

Sorry this is so long, just feel like the details are important to understand our relationship and since its been on-going for almost 10 years, it's hard to sum up in a few words. Thanks for taking the time to help.

 

 

I have never been the type of girl that sticks to a committed relationship. My current boyfriend and I met when we were both young, only 11 years old, and were almost immediate best friends. As we got older, I could tell he felt more than just friendship for me, and I had an inkling of those feelings for him, but I was still wrapped up in a long-term crush on another boy and being an exceptionally rational pre-teen, I worried that if I tried to date my best friend it would only end with our friendship being destroyed.

 

So, we never took it any farther, and eventually grew apart (partially due to my treating him terribly in favour of new friends) through high school, and I moved away for three years while returning quite often for visits, which sometimes included him.

 

Than one day I woke up with this panicked feeling. As if I had lost him. I called crying and calmed down once he reassured me that we were still, and would always be, best friends. And just like that we were back. And he had a new GF, who I was very jealous over, but she turned out to be a wacko and when he soon became single again. It took no time before I had moved back to the town I'd grown up in and my boyfriend and I were jumping into bed every night; spending as much time as we could together during the day.

 

 

But there was still another man in my life. My best friend for 5 years at that point. A man, who for 3 months had shared my bedroom without any sexual conflicts, that I could argue with and not fear hurting his feelings or alienating him, the only man to ever recommend, not just a band I actually did come to adore, but specifically pick out the songs I would add to my top played list. A man, who I had been more honest and real with than anyone else ever, but who was exceptionally self-destructive and together we encouraged a mutual self-destruction, mostly through drug abuse. We had been pinpointed by friends and by complete strangers at parties as the perfect couple. Often, I felt that we really could be, but I was unwilling to destroy our friendship because of how important he had become to me, and I was too afraid to admit my feelings in fear of alienating him.

 

Than he admitted it to me. On New Years, which we had spent together, as the night was wrapping up. And I slept with him. And than I did it again. And again. But I couldn't get passed the fact that he had so many obvious issues with alcohol dependence that he needed to figure himself out before he tried to add me to his life. So I told him just that. And he told me he understood and just wanted me to be happy,, no matter what that meant.

 

I believe he meant it when he said it. Nonetheless, he found a way to start a huge fight between my boyfriend and I and himself. It grew to the point that I had to remove him from my life and I haven't spoken to him in over a year. But I miss him every day still. I've been told him wants to apologize now, but because this is the second time his drug issues have hurt me someway, I can't bring myself to forgive and forget again. But I think about him all the time. And I miss the relationship that we used to have, and I miss having that person who knows me better than I know myself.

 

Within a few months of this happening and about 9 months into serious dating, my boyfriend and I had moved in together and everything was going fantastically. I'd began to really enjoy being in a relationship that let me be independent, but also provided security and companionship. And being with him was also very effective for keeping me from the destructive path I make a habit of walking.

 

Over time, two other guy friends had grown to be my best friends and while one of them consistently hinted about me being the perfect girl, I was very much in love and had no qualms about confronting him, making it clear that I loved my boyfriend and despite the occasional complaint, I was never going to cheat on the boyfriend. He said he understood and was only having fun, and understood he was only going to get turned down. This went fine, and he still has not ever pushed me to leave my boyfriend or to cheat or even made any move that felt too close or too intimate for friendship.

 

Still, somehow, I find myself falling for him. And I want to spend more time with him and less with my boyfriend. My boyfriend always seems to be at odds with me. We fail to find common ground on almost anything, and never do anything together besides an occasional dog walk or movie on the couch. I feel trapped into being his mother. Cooking, cleaning, and finding his keys for him. Always having to nag him just to get little things around the house done for me. Spending the weekends doing laundry and cleaning while he is out hunting or taking extra shifts at work. I hate listening to him complain about work, and complain about my friends. Often, I find myself thinking he is acting like his father, who is insanely egotistical, selfish, and old fashioned in his view of the world. Not so much in a chauvinist type of way, but in a "work til your 50 and than retire too raise your grandkids" sort of way. I don't want marriage, kids, or to retire. I want to travel sooner, not later. I want to explore the opportunities I have been lucky enough to be born into. None of this seems to be reality to my boyfriend though, who routinely will pepper conversations with things like "when we have kids..." or "when we get married.."

 

But than, he is also so perfect. So encouraging and comforting when I feel lost and stressed to the max. He always lets me know if he isn't going to be home or if he will be late out with friends. We agree on so many of the big picture things. Be it political issues, religion, sex, or even just how to handle tough situations. Never gets jealous over my excess of male friends (Ive never been good with girls) and never lets a day pass where he doesn't remind me he loves me more than anything. Yet, when he buys me gifts for my birthday or our anniversary, he doesn't know me well enough to purchase a gift I love without my pointing him in the right direction. He has even got me a gift which I routinely say is a useless item to me because I never think to use it. It still has never been used.

 

At several points in our relationship, I have found myself questioning staying with him. And always end up glad I stayed, but lately I have been seeking solace in my personal addictions, and wanting to spend more time with friends and family over spending time with him. And that one flirty friend has become my own crush. He seems to get me more on a personal and unique level than my current boyfriend. But, this friend once again has his own demons, and encourages mine (but less destructively than the last one) which keeps me from envisioning us as much more than **** buddies. But I still find myself daydreaming of being single with him. Not to mention my friends are sick of listening to me complain about the same annoying things my boyfriend does all the time, and tell me that I sound almost cruel when I reference him.

 

I know I am saying things I shouldn't and that it would hurt my boyfriend to hear them, but I can't bring myself to break up with him over GIGS, let alone separate our lives from what they are. (We have a dog, share a house that I own but he has helped deal with renters and bills) He does mean a lot to me, and I love him, I can't imagine life without him there to back me up. Even my family loves him. I don't know whether this is just me destroying another relationship (usually I dont make it passed 6 months and this is going on 4 years) or if my judgement is clouded with stress, drugs, and GIGS. Or even if I'm just kidding myself over our relationship.

 

I'd appreciate any advice. Often strangers can see between the lines better than anyone near the page, let alone the author.

Please help me clear this confusion up, and tell me if I'm being a bitch letting this continue, or if I'm an idiot to give up what I have.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe you need to be on your own for a while and do some bonding with women friends.

 

It seems you get all your needs fed by different male friends, so having one relationship you commit to is impossible. Is it that you can't be faithful or that you feel trapped to commit to one person? That maybe someone better will come along?

 

You let yourself get very attached to men, instead of just one..The person you're with. Having boundries is a good thing and keeps feelings in check, keeps the friendship light and platonic.