ClapYou123 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 After years of dating the wrong women and constantly getting hurt, I've met someone truly decent. It's all very very new, and everything is perfect. But I have crippling anxiety that she will leave me - either because she gets bored or finds someone else. Despite the fact that she has pretty much made it clear to me that is fully committed to me and wants a future with me, deep down I still don't really believe her (I never admit this to her, I don't want to look weak and insecure all the time). I find myself engaging in self-sabotaging actions like openly flirting with other women on Instagram or starting arguments for no reason - mindless, immature behaviour. It's like I want her to end things, but obviously, I don't! I don't know why I do it, because if she left I would be heartbroken! I love her. I have been awake all night thinking about this - my body is unable to even relax, the amount of anxiety coursing through me at the moment. She is also staying with me now, because she recently lost her place and didn't have anywhere else to go to. I wouldn't usually have someone stay with me so soon, but it was either that or her sleep in her car, and well, it's winter so I won't let that happen. I guess I'm just putting this out here in the hope I can get some advice on how to deal with all this relationship anxiety, it's 5am here and all my friends are asleep so I can't talk to them, really. I'm starting to not enjoy our time together because all I do is worry and I want to enjoy the moment, but this anxiety is growing
laylay305 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Have you considered therapy? I did a lot of self-sabotaging in previous relationships, and going to therapy has really helped me get to the root of the problem and work towards fixing the underlying issues affecting my relationships. though i don't know you, and don't know why you self-sabotage, it might be worth investigating. 1
Author ClapYou123 Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Have you considered therapy? I did a lot of self-sabotaging in previous relationships, and going to therapy has really helped me get to the root of the problem and work towards fixing the underlying issues affecting my relationships. though i don't know you, and don't know why you self-sabotage, it might be worth investigating. I go to group therapy once a week, and I have never felt to talk about it. I feel too embarrassed although this is clearly a big thing so I really should.
beyondcrushed Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I felt your pain completely in my last relationship. I had anxiety so bad, it drove him away and eventually he just wanted to be friends. This was 7 weeks ago. It was a self fulfilling prophecy. I think it had a lot to do with being codependant. I think what happens is once you invest your emotions in the relationship you become vulnerable and fear rejection and hurt. Then you do everything you can to hang on to that person. You start to read into things/actions, overanalyze. Fear its them losing interest and any moment they'll end it. My advice: *detach yourself/let go. It's easier said than done when you're in it. I KNOW. Focus on yourself and your life. Do not think about her all the time. make plans with friends or take up a sport/hobby *appreciate the moments/time you have together and think of them positively e.g. she hugs you = proof she LOVES you, she makes plans with you = she still ENJOYS your company and wants to BE with you, she texts/calls you = she IS interested in you. See these actions as what they are, proof she is interested, enjoys and loves you. And let them comfort you. Think of all the ways today that show you she cares. *DO NOT keep asking her if she loves you, wants to be with you. Observe (as per above) You will see through her actions. And yes, vent to a friend. Bottomline, its not her. You have to look to yourself to find comfort and feel secure in the relationship. (Which usually is by loving yourself and being secure in yourself.) Because no matter what she does to make you feel secure (by you asking her), you will still feel anxious and just end up pushing her away. She will feel like nothing she does helps and will feel too much pressure and effort to make you feel 'better'. It may be too much for the type of person she is and end it. Or she may love you and be able/willing to help you through it. Work on yourself, enjoy your relationship, observe her and you will see where you stand. I hope this helps.
beyondcrushed Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Have you considered therapy? I did a lot of self-sabotaging in previous relationships, and going to therapy has really helped me get to the root of the problem and work towards fixing the underlying issues affecting my relationships. though i don't know you, and don't know why you self-sabotage, it might be worth investigating. Yes, absolutely look into therapy. I'm going myself because of the same -- self-sabotoging. I am reading self help books on codependancy and joining a codependency 12 step group therapy program -- CoDA. The book "Loving Him without losing you", is good and although geared towards women, may apply to your situation. Some people have a personalty type that can handle peeps like us, and stick it out. Other people can't and bail. I think it's best to better ourselves so we can have healthy relationships.
heartshaped Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 One of the biggest things that has helped me with my anxiety issues (with relationships and in general) is mantras. Statements that I repeat over and over to myself. For instance in your case I would say, "she wants to be with me" aloud or in my head until I believed it. It works wonders for me. I also meditate, do breathing exercises, and keep a journal in which I work through the things that make me anxious.
beyondcrushed Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 That's great advice. The power of positive thinking too. It helps a lot!
marigo Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I haven't posted on here in a long time and was deciding whether or not i should as i am going through this whole anxiety thing myself...and then I saw your thread. I completely understand how you feel. I feel like because of my paranoia and anxiety, I think I may have pushed my man away. Just like you, I have been hurt before and was left numerous times by guys for their ex gfs (reason for my insecurities). I met a decent man and even though he has reassured me that he likes me, whenever he wouldn't text as much, i get so anxious. I don't necessarily say anything to him but behind closed doors i was driving myself crazy. I finally asked him if he was still interested and i think he felt pressured and mightve ended things. I'm still trying to figure out where we stand now. I do think because you are so afraid to get hurt again, you try to prepare yourself for the worst that could happen. To the point, that your actions are making your fears actually come true if that makes sense. Basically a self fulfilling prophecy. I think you should consider therapy (a one on one), I am going to one this weekend. I know it's hard to think positive when you get anxious but really try to think of the positive things she say and do for you as opposed to the negatives. I feel like when we're anxious, we only focus on the negatives because that's what we want to believe. You should try to enjoy the time that you spend with her and try not to overthink. There's nothing she can say really that will make you believe. It has to come from within you. You have to believe that you are worthy of loving.
beyondcrushed Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 You should try to enjoy the time that you spend with her and try not to overthink. I agree. But its the hardest thing to do when your mind just automatically works that way. You have one negative thought and it just snowballs. I wonder what strategies are out there for people like us to not overthink and to gain control and calm ourselves down. Anyone know?
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