heavyheartedone Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I've done something really bad and I don't know how to come to terms with myself again... My ex and I recently broke up after a three year long relationship that was marred with many instances of him cheating on me. It's a very long story so I won't go into detail on everything since this small portion that is eating me up is so long. Anyway, what happened was: We were about to enter into a long distance relationship and he knew I was nervous that when he went back to his hometown and I stayed in mine, that he would start seeing one of the girls that he cheated on me with there. Then, I received an email from that girl. The email said that he was emailing her and talking to her on the phone about getting together, telling her he loevd her, that he didn't care about me at all. I confronted him with it and he started yelling at me that I made it all up, I was a liar, I was trying to manipulate him. Finally he accepted that the email was real but said that she was lying about all of those things to make me mad at him. I told him to show me his phone/email and he refused and then started yelling at me for being so untrusting and disrespecting him to the point where I just started crying and he left and told me to 'grow up.' The next day he apologized and said he never should have spoke to me that way and swore that she was lying but said that he understood why I would believe her and he was sorry for being so cruel to me, etc. etc. I told him I was sick of being treated this way and I never wanted to see him again but then after begging and begging we were on good terms again. The next day he took me out to do nice things and try to make us better again. I was feeling really good about us and decided to tell him about this job I had just found in his hometown that would be perfect for him. He told me that he gets angry at me and he talks to other women because he feels like I don't trust him and that makes him feel bad and do these things... I thought that if I showed him it would prove that I was supporting him/happy with him. He asked me to send him the job announcement, so I did. Then when I got home that night, I got another email from her which made me realize that she definitely wasn't lying. WHen I called him about it he just cursed me out, called me a bitch and then told me to never speak to him again if all I was going to do was attack him with lies. He then said okay fine, show me the email and then I'll believe you, so I forwarded him the email and he told me that the email was all a lie and that he never wanted to talk to me again. He blocked me everywhere and never responded to my emails asking him to talk so that if we ended, we could at least end without our last words being him telling me to go **** myself. I begged him to apologize and after six emails his only response was: "I have nothing to apologize for. I don't have time to talk about this with you, my flight home is tomorrow and that job application is due then too. Take care of yourself. Goodbye." I told him that I thought it was ****ed up that he wasn't going to even apologize to me and that his excuse was that he didn't have time to because he needed to apply to the job he never would have heard about had I not told him of its existence. I was so angry and hurt, I was blinded by my emotions. I felt like he had tricked me into giving him that job and that he was fine with hurting me but was still going to apply for the job that I only gave him because he had convinced me that things were good between us. And the way that he spoke to me made me feel so angry and worthless... So the awful thing I did was: I had the password to his professional email account because he gave it to me once a year ago and since he rarely uses it, I never check it and he never remembered that he gave it to me. I decided to check it to see if he really was going to apply to that job. I saw him send in his application through that email and I was so angry. I checked it the next week and saw that they wrote back to arrange an interview. I know this was awful but I did it anyway... I was so angry that he hadn't apologized to me or spoken to me or done anything to indicate that he cared about me at all for a whole week that I responded to the email. I pretended to be him and told them that he was no longer interested in the position and thanked them for their time. I know he knows what I did. He changed his email password and has told a few of our friends that I'm a crazy bitch. Of course he didn't mention anything to them about what he ever did to me... I guess there is a chance that he could have written back to the job saying that his email was hacked and that he wanted the interview, although I don't know if they'd believe him or not. But that's besides the point, what bothers me is what I did. My heart is so heavy with guilt about what I did. He hasn't written to me to say a word about it, but I almost wish he would so I could apologize. Sometimes I justify it to myself saying, well if he hadn't been so mean to me I never would have done it or by saying that if he had confessed that he really was talking to that girl, I never would have told him that the job even existed and then he would never have applied to it, so really what I did makes no difference... but I know that that is just me being cowardly and trying to justify things to myself. I feel like I am just as bad as he is and that what I did is totally unjustified and even worse... that it was completely insane. Like maybe I am the crazy bitch that he told me I was on the phone. Nobody has ever called me crazy or paranoid before him, but now I do feel crazy and paranoid... I try to cut myself slack and say that he drove me to the end of my rope and that he deserved it and I never would have done that if he hadn't treated me so badly, but I know that is just an excuse. So... I don't really know why I am writing here. I guess I'd like someone to tell me that yes, I am that crazy bitch he tells me I am and that what I did was completely insane and evil and that there is no way I should ever forgive myself. Or I'd like someone to say that they understand what I was going through and that even though it was ****ed up, I shouldn't be killing myself over it. Or something in between? I don't know. I just need something to help me deal with all of this guilt that I have weighing down on my shoulders.
strive Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Your relationship is terrible to begin with and you're feeling hurt/miserable/angry which is why you did it. Sometimes terrible emotions make us do terrible things. Yes, what you did was pretty ****ty and I understand why your ex is calling you crazy. But what you have to take from this experience is that you KNOW you're wrong, you're SORRY for ever doing it, and you'll never EVER do something like that again, especially if your emotions are controlling you. You might never get the chance to apologize. Don't justify your actions. Accept that you did wrong and live with the guilt for a little while. However, it is VERY IMPORTANT that you realize that eventually you NEED to forgive yourself. It's the only way to ever come out of this as a better person. Be gentle with yourself. We all make mistakes. 4
ponchsox Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Make sure you are right with God, first. I wouldn't bother apologizing to your ex.
Zahara Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I think the best thing for you to do is to let this go. Everything about your relationship with him was toxic. I understand that you were angry but it wasn't the right thing to do. Just move on from this. Accept responsibility for your own actions and find acceptance that its done and put this all behind you. In future, this should be a lesson that you cannot just react because of your emotions.
Author heavyheartedone Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 thank you everyone for your comments, they are very helpful.
lop98 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 You didn't murder old people, don't sweat it. You got in a toxic relationship and you're both just as guilty in making it dirty and taking a low route. What's damaged right now is your dignity, you didn't take a dignified approach, but then that's normal in toxic relationships... you lose sight of who you are before you know it. Just move on, heal, focus on yourself... love yourself again... NO CONTACT! Good luck. 2
Canadiangirl78 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I have to admit when I read what you did I had a little chuckle and thought atta girl! Not that it was right at all but he sounds like a douchebag.. Like someone already said, at least you feel guilt and know it was wrong. However, look what this scumbag has been doing to you all this time and he thinks he has nothing to apologize for? I don't understand that. Don't torture yourself over it, it happened, forgive yourself and carry on. You sound like a lovely caring person and that jerk doesn't deserve one more minute of your time. Let him be someone else's problem. If he can't even acknowledge what he did is wrong or feel any sort of remorse for what he's done to you, then there is definetly something wrong with him. Try not to worry about it, you could have done much worse to him.. 2
crazy1234 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I've done something really bad and I don't know how to come to terms with myself again... My ex and I recently broke up after a three year long relationship that was marred with many instances of him cheating on me. It's a very long story so I won't go into detail on everything since this small portion that is eating me up is so long. Anyway, what happened was: We were about to enter into a long distance relationship and he knew I was nervous that when he went back to his hometown and I stayed in mine, that he would start seeing one of the girls that he cheated on me with there. Then, I received an email from that girl. The email said that he was emailing her and talking to her on the phone about getting together, telling her he loevd her, that he didn't care about me at all. I confronted him with it and he started yelling at me that I made it all up, I was a liar, I was trying to manipulate him. Finally he accepted that the email was real but said that she was lying about all of those things to make me mad at him. I told him to show me his phone/email and he refused and then started yelling at me for being so untrusting and disrespecting him to the point where I just started crying and he left and told me to 'grow up.' The next day he apologized and said he never should have spoke to me that way and swore that she was lying but said that he understood why I would believe her and he was sorry for being so cruel to me, etc. etc. I told him I was sick of being treated this way and I never wanted to see him again but then after begging and begging we were on good terms again. The next day he took me out to do nice things and try to make us better again. I was feeling really good about us and decided to tell him about this job I had just found in his hometown that would be perfect for him. He told me that he gets angry at me and he talks to other women because he feels like I don't trust him and that makes him feel bad and do these things... I thought that if I showed him it would prove that I was supporting him/happy with him. He asked me to send him the job announcement, so I did. Then when I got home that night, I got another email from her which made me realize that she definitely wasn't lying. WHen I called him about it he just cursed me out, called me a bitch and then told me to never speak to him again if all I was going to do was attack him with lies. He then said okay fine, show me the email and then I'll believe you, so I forwarded him the email and he told me that the email was all a lie and that he never wanted to talk to me again. He blocked me everywhere and never responded to my emails asking him to talk so that if we ended, we could at least end without our last words being him telling me to go **** myself. I begged him to apologize and after six emails his only response was: "I have nothing to apologize for. I don't have time to talk about this with you, my flight home is tomorrow and that job application is due then too. Take care of yourself. Goodbye." I told him that I thought it was ****ed up that he wasn't going to even apologize to me and that his excuse was that he didn't have time to because he needed to apply to the job he never would have heard about had I not told him of its existence. I was so angry and hurt, I was blinded by my emotions. I felt like he had tricked me into giving him that job and that he was fine with hurting me but was still going to apply for the job that I only gave him because he had convinced me that things were good between us. And the way that he spoke to me made me feel so angry and worthless... So the awful thing I did was: I had the password to his professional email account because he gave it to me once a year ago and since he rarely uses it, I never check it and he never remembered that he gave it to me. I decided to check it to see if he really was going to apply to that job. I saw him send in his application through that email and I was so angry. I checked it the next week and saw that they wrote back to arrange an interview. I know this was awful but I did it anyway... I was so angry that he hadn't apologized to me or spoken to me or done anything to indicate that he cared about me at all for a whole week that I responded to the email. I pretended to be him and told them that he was no longer interested in the position and thanked them for their time. I know he knows what I did. He changed his email password and has told a few of our friends that I'm a crazy bitch. Of course he didn't mention anything to them about what he ever did to me... I guess there is a chance that he could have written back to the job saying that his email was hacked and that he wanted the interview, although I don't know if they'd believe him or not. But that's besides the point, what bothers me is what I did. My heart is so heavy with guilt about what I did. He hasn't written to me to say a word about it, but I almost wish he would so I could apologize. Sometimes I justify it to myself saying, well if he hadn't been so mean to me I never would have done it or by saying that if he had confessed that he really was talking to that girl, I never would have told him that the job even existed and then he would never have applied to it, so really what I did makes no difference... but I know that that is just me being cowardly and trying to justify things to myself. I feel like I am just as bad as he is and that what I did is totally unjustified and even worse... that it was completely insane. Like maybe I am the crazy bitch that he told me I was on the phone. Nobody has ever called me crazy or paranoid before him, but now I do feel crazy and paranoid... I try to cut myself slack and say that he drove me to the end of my rope and that he deserved it and I never would have done that if he hadn't treated me so badly, but I know that is just an excuse. So... I don't really know why I am writing here. I guess I'd like someone to tell me that yes, I am that crazy bitch he tells me I am and that what I did was completely insane and evil and that there is no way I should ever forgive myself. Or I'd like someone to say that they understand what I was going through and that even though it was ****ed up, I shouldn't be killing myself over it. Or something in between? I don't know. I just need something to help me deal with all of this guilt that I have weighing down on my shoulders. forgive yourself.
mikejensen3355 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Yeah, what you did was wrong. But he also cheated on you. He deserved it. But you also learned that revenge like that doesn't make you feel better or make you a better person. Forgive yourself, you did it to a scumbag that cheated on you. And start the process of letting this all go and becoming a better, stronger person. 1
aybc123 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Hahahaha, amazing. To be honest it sounds like he had it coming, if you're gonna be a cheating douchebag at least have some class and admit it when you're caught red handed with physical proof. Karma is a bitch, not you. Dont worry about it, seriously. Just be glad you're out of that relationship and can actually meet a decent human being in the future 1
Sugarkane Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I wouldn't even bother apologizing and I think if you do contact him again, he might try and suck you back in again once more. And I mean it's not like you ever get an apology from these people! It's nice to hear karma actually get an Ahole for once, instead of them getting zero consequences.
Author heavyheartedone Posted November 10, 2013 Author Posted November 10, 2013 thank you everyone for your comments, they have really been helping me. I will have to learn how to forgive myself. And I need to do it without trying to get him to forgive me too. I'm trying really hard not to write him an apology email... it's hard because it's his birthday this week and will be the first time I don't spend his birthday with him. I just keep telling myself that no matter how many wonderful times we had together, there were also a lot of bad times that made the relationship very unhealthy and that it's better to just deal with this on my own than to contact him and risk getting involved in this toxicity any further. It is very hard though 1
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