vrtrooper Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Hi, I've searched several websites for advice on how to get my ex girlfriend back or try to gain closure so I can move on (not that I want to, or feel strong enough to), and I've read a lot about it in here. I'll play my record for the first time with you: My girlfriend (27) and I (25) have been together for almost 4 years, and we've been friends since we met 10 years ago; for the past year, we've been planning on our wedding, buying stuff (furniture and home appliances) and going forwards to the next step, her mom and dad are splitting up after 30 years because her dad was having an affair which I believe has caused her a lot of insecurities that she has drained in our relationship. Last month, we had a heated argument about her obsessive cleaning behavior and me being sweaty on her bed that ended on me leaving her house so we wouldn't discuss anymore (I did not break up with her, she thought I did); she called me, apologized and so did I, then we spent the afternoon together and ate dinner. I thought everything was back on track, then a week later, she expressed her doubts about us being able to live together and not fight all the time, because that discussion was intense. I have lived some experiences in which people have left me or stopped loving me before, so my insecurities arose, I started pressuring her because I thought she didn't love me anymore and maybe she had someone else. Which she always replied "I Love you, I still wanna marry you, but I'm allowed to have doubts; there is no one else", I can be very insecure about this, so I did insist on the subject several times, a mistake that I now realize and I'm working on resolving (through therapy). On October 21st, she was changed to another work department so she could build up files for her and her coworkers, because their contracts were going to expire on November 1st and she didn't know if they were going to be renewed. I think she was very upset about it, and concerned because she was about to lose her job. I felt she was distant and didn't talk much about that subject. That night, I called her and asked about her day, she said she was tired and that maybe we could talk the next day. Then, Tuesday went by, barely talked through text messages, then after she got out of class, I called her and asked her why she was so distant, if there was something going on and if she was cheating on me or no longer in love; she replied she was very tired and that she didn't want to discuss about it that day; I pressured the conversation, and she ended up saying she was avoiding me because she was having a lot of trouble with her job and that I only put more troubles into her with my insecurities. (she was right). I told her that was a breaking point for me, that after 4 years she couldn't share her issues with me; I broke up with her, she said I was just manipulating her so she would ask for forgiveness, and broke down crying and yelling at me. She hung up. I regretted what I had done... I was making her suffer during a hard time for her. The next day I asked her if we could talk that afternoon, and told her I loved her, she replied with "OK, I love you too"; that night, I went over to her house, we talked about each other's day then she dropped it, I had put the cards on the table, she didn't think we were compatible anymore, we fought too much, I was too needy and I made her job issue about us instead of supporting her and that she was very afraid of things not working out if we got married. She told me, she didn't want to try again because things were not going to change, and that she didn't want to have to be with me if we tried again and nothing changed. She said repeatedly that she loved me and that I was the love of her life, but we were not possible anymore because she wasn't feeling alright about me making her job issue a situation about us; it was really tough, she cried and yelled and so did I, I proposed we went to couples therapy so we could rebuild and make it right, but she refused and I even said hurtful things while trying to convince her to try again, I eventually left, and I've suffered so much ever since. I broke NC twice, the first time she replied to my I love yous and said that she missed me a lot and that texts didn't bother her because she did miss me, had some small talk and then I cut the conversation quickly; later that afternoon she called me in what she called a "unconscious call" to see if I was going to a mutual friend's book presentation; this was very confusing to me and still is. A week after we broke up, I gave in again, and asked her about why she didn't call me unconsciously or texted me, she said she didn't want to have me on stand by, and said a final "I love you but I dont wanna try again" I never replied to this, she was very dry and hurtful this time, that's the day I started going to the therapist, which is helping a lot, even though appointments are not as often as I feel I need them. Last friday she texted me to see how I was and to tell me that was her last day at work, her contract was not being renewed, and I kept the conversation to a minimum, I said I was fine and had a lot going on at work; she tried to small talk but I stopped replying. After that, she's liked my facebook updates (none are related to her, just random images that I consider funny), and has tried to see how I was doing though mutual friends (which are most of our friends because of our friendship lasting so long) and not making any real effort to talk to me. I'm very insecure about infidelity, because of my previous relationship, I've thought about her being after another man as the main reason, but there is no evidence to support it, I just dont know what to make of this, was it cold feet? was it because of her parents splitting up? was it because of her losing her job and me putting pressure? I'm having a really hard time, we were very close, did almost everything together and now her life is going to the dumpster, she failed all her tests last week, and has been going out on what her mother called "avoiding the issues" with mutual friends, one of them is the only person that has backed up her decision, but is the most unstable person I've met (when it comes to relationships). She didn't ask for time, she just said she was scared, and doesn't want to try. Just give me some input, I would like to have her back and try again for good, I feel as if we were draining our job/family/school stress in the relationship, and that it didn't help... but we had great times, she does make me happy and I think I make her happy too, she was very excited about getting married a month ago, her dad is even building a second floor so we can live in it (which is almost finished) Sorry If this comes off as a wall of whiny text, it's the first time I put all of this into words. I just need some support or light in my tunnel.
xUnknown Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I think everything you've mentioned has to do with it. The job loss, her parents splitting, plans for the wedding, the arguments. It all took its toll on her. If she is unwilling to try again, then she is unwilling to try again. It takes two people to get into a relationship, but only one to get out. I think you should just let things settle down and let them be for a little and keep going to therapy and work towards getting over her. Who knows, after all the dust has settled maybe she will be there. It seems everything was just a bit overwhelming to her. She has zero control and this was one thing she could.
reddragon588 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 My exes parents are also splitting up. I think it takes a big toll on them. They may be unconsciously trying to imitate their parents to seek acceptance.
Author vrtrooper Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 I just dont see the reason to not try to work things out... It's been a whole week without contact, except for a few breadcrumbs (likes on facebook)... I'm affraid she might be seeing someone else now that she has no responsabilities with work and that she will just convince herself we cant be together until she forgets about us... I'm really sad.
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I just dont see the reason to not try to work things out... She doesn't trust ANYTHING at this point. . . not herself, not you, not work, not her parents, not love. Her whole world view got rearranged in short order & she's freaking. She doesn't feel like she can rely on anybody. Only she can fix that. You simply have to let her go so she can find her own way back to a world order that makes some sense. 1
Author vrtrooper Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 How do I know if it's a definitive thing?
xUnknown Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 How do I know if it's a definitive thing? You don't, but are you really going to live months hoping and hurting? I'm in the same situation...I truely believe my circumstances are the reason and she wants to hold out until they are over before continuing (she hinted to that in the BU). But I don't want to keep hoping that which may never happen will. I'm hurting now because there is that part of me that still is hoping in a few months we'll be back, but I can't think like that. I'm getting nowhere. Just as you will get nowhere and keep hurting if you keep hoping. Hope is the downfall here...its what causes the pain.
Author vrtrooper Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Well, that's just f***** discouraging. To see everything go to crap and not being able to do anything. I'll stick to NC until she either wants to come back... Or I run into her dating someone else so I can confirm my suspicion. Last time it took me 3 years to get over a break up. Hopefully it wont be as hard, even though I have this gut feeling that there are so many unresolved things between me and her. I find it so hard to trust anyone enough to give them my heart again... She was my best friend, I wouldn't have tried at all if it had been someone else.
xUnknown Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Well, that's just f***** discouraging. To see everything go to crap and not being able to do anything. I'll stick to NC until she either wants to come back... Or I run into her dating someone else so I can confirm my suspicion. Last time it took me 3 years to get over a break up. Hopefully it wont be as hard, even though I have this gut feeling that there are so many unresolved things between me and her. I find it so hard to trust anyone enough to give them my heart again... She was my best friend, I wouldn't have tried at all if it had been someone else. I know man. the ball is in her court...shes got ya by the balls. The only way you can take them back is by remaining NC. As soon as you start pursuing you'll come off as desperate and push her even further away. The only way you can reclaim your balls is by remaining NC, stick to your guns. That's just my opinion but I'm sure many will agree with it.
Author vrtrooper Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 She texted me: "Hi. How are you?" I haven't replied, not sure if I should, I dont wanna appear resentful or as if I'm holding a grudge. Or perhaps I dont wanna close the door in case she's missing me. Any input?
Author vrtrooper Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 It's happening, I replied with "I'm good, working right now" She said: "Oh ok, I just wanted to know when you had time so we could talk like you said" We went on about the time and date, and we agreed tomorrow at 10 a.m. I want to go with no positive expectations, I dont know the topic we will discuss, I have a hunch that. She wants to meet me and kill every shot I might think we have. If this is the case, I will get up and say "This isn't what I came for" and leave. What are the other possible motivations for the meet? And how do I respond to them?
Blastoplast Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 It's happening, I replied with "I'm good, working right now" She said: "Oh ok, I just wanted to know when you had time so we could talk like you said" We went on about the time and date, and we agreed tomorrow at 10 a.m. I want to go with no positive expectations, I dont know the topic we will discuss, I have a hunch that. She wants to meet me and kill every shot I might think we have. If this is the case, I will get up and say "This isn't what I came for" and leave. What are the other possible motivations for the meet? And how do I respond to them? Yeah, go in with no expectations. Other motivations? To squash any chances on reconciliation, for her to ask for your forgiveness and a second chance, or for her to say she's sorry and that while she sees a future, she's not ready to date you again. No matter her decision, don't plead or over-react to anything she says. If she does want to get back together, I would take it very slow and start dating like you're strangers again -- because if you go back to how "things were" it's not likely to work out. Keep a clear mind, keep your chin up, and if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. There are worse things that can happen in life, trust me.
Author vrtrooper Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 Well, we met up as planned, this is how it went: She got there, leaned in for a kiss in the cheek, I bought two cups of tea, then asked her how she was, she said she missed me a lot but was trying to go forward, then she told me she asked me to talk because she didnt want to miss the chance to do so when i asked her to (two weeks ago, when she replied 'i love you but i dont want to get back together', the one thing that made me go NC. I told her things were going well, that I had started to sort out my life, but I also told her that I didnt need to talk after that message, that it was pretty clear to me, and that if she called me in to insist about the subject, we had nothing to discuss. She said that she was sorry for making me waste time, that she had asked me for a time apart, and that I said no, to which I replied 'I did give it to you, but it's been 20 days.' She started crying and broke down several times before she asked me if we could try from a friendship and then maybe move on to something else, that she wasnt ready to take any other steps right now, i said 'i wont accept anything less than a relationship, have a good day'. I stood up, and left. It's been 3 days of NC and now I'm starting to question if she's ever coming back and the way I behaved... I've read so much about women asking for time to try things with someone else, that I'm starting to wonder if that's what she's doing or can a woman really need time to figure out her fears of marriage (cause by her parents separation) with no third party involved? My mother says she's just paralized by fear of failing in the future.
Author vrtrooper Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 She also said her feelings for me had not changed, but her feelings for the relationship did. I dont understand this quite well. Overall, she was pretty sad and her voice broke when trying to talk to me, she also smiled when she arrived, as if she was happy to meet me. Last night she updated her facebook status 'someone shoot me'... I got scared
reddragon588 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 Sounds a lot like my ex. You just have to let her figure it out. Your mom is right and what is going on in her family life is shaping her view of relationships right now. My ex kept saying after her parents split, I'm never getting married it's just a bunch of pain and then we split a few months later. Let her figure it out.. If it's meant to be she will come back. But she needs the space to realize what she's missing and she needs the space to see that your relationship isn't her parents relationship.
radiodarcy Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) Speaking as a woman whose parents are twice divorced from each other (they married, divorced, remarried then divorced or "re-divorced") dealing with parents splitting up is a very draining, stressful, difficult process. I found out things about my parents relationship that I never wanted to know. Not to mention, seeing how it affected them, affected me in ways that are still being felt now, over ten years later. I think your ex wants to have a relationship - - whether it's with you or with someone else down the line - - eventually. But watching her own parents' relationship deteriorate is shaking her confidence as to whether or not she can have it. Despite your assurances that that's what you want. It may not be something she can handle right now. But you need to take care of you right now. Unfortunately it sounds like your relationship with her has fallen victim to circumstances beyond either of your or her control. I don't think you did anything wrong by holding to your bottom line. But I also don't think you're going to be able to expect to resolves anything with her until things with her parents settle down and she gets some counseling and help in figuring out what she wants. I would suggest moving on. This doesn't sound like an ideal situation to stay and work things out. Edited November 12, 2013 by radiodarcy
Author vrtrooper Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 Well, today is day 5 of resumed NC. I miss her a lot, and I wonder if I did the right thing standing up and leaving... Maybe she really wanted us to be friends and then something else. I'm so insecure about going NC. Even my therapist says it might not do us any good if she's not feeling backed up by me. I feel like crap, I wish I could be positive about her coming back but my mind keeps telling me she wont... I know you guys have made clear points about trying to heal and move on, but we had invested so much into our relationship and future life together that I just dont know what to believe anymore.
Author vrtrooper Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 I dont think I can do this anymore... I think I ruined all my chances by saying no to her and leaving. She probably thinks I left her out in the cold with her issues, or maybe kicked her into the abyss. Someone please, help.
Author vrtrooper Posted November 19, 2013 Author Posted November 19, 2013 Day 7, 8 and 9 were the worst. I had them work free so I finally had to face the things I had been burying. I keep trying to convince myself that there is another man... because I read so many things online that say "99% of the time a woman leaves because of another man", and I just dont know what to believe. She hasn't called or texted, and I've gone full NC. I'm not feeling any better, if anything I feel worse... I had hopes that someone could reply to the other two posts I made, but still no answer.
Sparky9 Posted November 19, 2013 Posted November 19, 2013 You are having so many doubts now, because you love and care for her. I'm not sure what the "right" answer for you is. Without fixing, or changing a lot of the dynamics in your relationship with her...you will fall back into the same process again. Continue going to therapy, fix yourself, become happy with yourself. Whether or not you get back together, this will make you a much stronger person...for her, or your next relationship. Right now is about YOU! If she does break NC...you may need to ignore it. She wants to be friends which is great...however, the hardest thing about being a friend to her will be the possibility of her moving on at some point. If you still have feelings for her...this will tear your heart out. I hope things go well for you...don't obsess...try to find things to occupy your time 1
Author vrtrooper Posted November 23, 2013 Author Posted November 23, 2013 Could there be a hidden reason for the breakup? Or do odds point to what she stated? At this point I think I would have understood almost anything... Even falling out of love or cheating.. But silence is just ****ed up. Today it's a whole month since the BU, and day 14 of NC... Not a single word from her.
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