Do I deserve better?

[KS11]

I feel like such an idiot for posting here again and I know there will be people who have followed my story beyond belief that I'm still in the mess i'm in, but I honestly like i'm on the verge of falling in to an even darker place.

 

I don't think I have the strength to write everything thats happened over the last three years, a lot of it is already on here. But for those, kind enough to read, i've basically been in love with this girl ever since i first met her, along the way we have tried periods of NC, originally she only saw us a friends, and that became too hard for me and so either mutually or through my doing we instigated NC.

 

This continued up until a few months ago, when she came back to me saying she wants to give things another go, can't live without me etc etc. Previously when we have tried, she has always felt that something was holding her back, whether that be me not being forward enough or that it felt awkward because we had be such close friends for so long.

 

Anyway, this time it was different. Things came to a head one evening, I again said things, as they stood with us just being friends, weren't working and essentially we had two choices. It ended with me breaking down and leaving thinking that was it. Next morning however, she messages saying she can;t lose me again and maybe she's given up too quickly.

 

The next few weeks were amazing. The best they've ever been. I can't even begin to describe how amazing it felt to be able to hold her in my arms at night, and then wake up and see her next to me. Even just writing about it kills me. Things then started to go back to a familiar way, she became pretty distant and non-communicative. We arrange to meet up for dinner one evening, shes been having a tough week so i bring her this little gift. SHe turns up late to the restuarant and the first thing she says is 'sorry im late, i was with work people and didnt want to leave', in contrast, I give her the gift. I don't know why im telling you this, but that moment just seems to sum up our whole dynamic. She treats me badly and I reward her for it.

 

After that night, we had an argument over text (bad i know) but it was the culmination of distance, and me wanting to see her more. For the next couple of weeks things were sh*t. Then a couple of weeks ago we meet up for diner again. The argument still never being addressed, even though I tried on several occasions, everytime I was met with a break wall. Including one time we were out for my birthday and she told me she would leave if I tried to talk to her about what was going on. So we meet up for dinner, arranged by her. It was the end of term(she's a teacher) and had been out for a few drinks with workmates. Turns up pretty drunk, barely talks to me throughout the meal, until i gave up trying. She then said why are we like this, not talking? To which I was like, well there's clearly some tension still from the other week which hasn't be resolved. Basically she then launched in to a tirade of swearing saying how she doesnt care about any of this ****, and that im so selfish. That just did it for me. I got up and left. I've never done anything like that in my life, and on reflection I really shouldn't have, but that's the one thing I couldnt stand to hear. I've done everything for her.

 

I'm sorry, im going on for ages..I'll try and wrap this up! The next day we meet up and shes very apologetic saying she was drunk. We then both agreed that thigns cant go on as they are, there's clearly something not right.

 

So again we are this situation of what to do. I said again that clearly you don't want to be with me in the same way and theres nothing that can be done. As i got up though she said no, she wanted me to stay, she can't lose me all over again, adn that we would talk when she got back from holiday.

 

That brings us to this week. One of her close relatives is really ill at the moment so i'm trying my best to be there for her, but i've she is being so distant. It wouldn't bother me so much, but i know from facebook that to everyone else she seems fine.

 

I just don't know what to do. It feels like this was all part of her plan. She's taken away so much from me I feel like i have nothing left. There's part of me that thinks I deserve better, but I'm so ridiculously in love and attracted to her I just cant walk away. Especially when she has all this other stuff going on at home. But then I think, when is she there for me? Does she really not care what this is doing to me?! Im just so lost.

 

I'm not sure if anyone's got this far, but if you have i could really use some advice. I cant take feeling like this anymore. Its been three years. My biggest problem is the pain of being with her is almost as bad as being without her so I cant see the way out?

[ampxo]

You do deserve better. But I know the feeling of knowing you deserve better & deserve to be with some that cherishes you & wants to be with you & puts in the effort to make a healthy lasting relationship, but you still cant let go because you hope that things will be different the next time. I feel for you & what you are going through

[KS11]

So, I think after 3 years of trying to make it work, trying to be enough and all the rest of it, I've managed to almost convince myself that it's never going to happen.

 

My question is, at the moment, she is going through a really tough time. Her grandad passed away a couple of weeks back, who I know she was really close with.

 

In the weeks before that, we were on the rocks again, and on the verge of going out separate ways (again) but she still said she 'wasn't sure what she wanted' and with everything else going on she couldn't cope with dealing wit 'our situation' at the moment.

 

Of course, I realise there are much bigger things than us, and i've tried really hard to be there for her. Initally I sent flowers and made it very clear numerous times i'm here if she wants to talk, but we barely have. Not sure what to make of that to be honest, people grieve in different ways and I appreciate that, but i'd be lying if I said it doesn't bother me that she's not comning to me for some sort of comfort, maybe thats selfish on my part i duno.

 

Anyway, so like I say it's difficult to know what the right thing to do is. I want to just say something like it's pretty clear we're not going to happen. But I know she will get pretty angry. However, I can't go on in this limbo, and I certainly don't want to drag this into another year. Of course there is still that bit of hope that we could work things out, but truthfully, thats not going to happen.

 

What is the right thing to do in this situation? I don't want to come across like I haven't considered her situation, because I have! I'm constantly thinking/wondering how she's doing, but we've barely spoken in the last month so its obvious she doesn't want me in her life like she used to...

[KS11]

Anyone? Sorry to ask, but i'd really appreciate some advice on this.

 

The thing is, if I were to just not even bother bringing the subject up again, accept things for how they are, without having the 'final' conversation and go nc..then firstly, I know in a week or so she would get in contact and i'd have to ignore her right? I don't want her to think I'm just abandoning her but equally I can't stay in this situation when I think there's part of her thats using this as an opportunity to delay pulling the trigger.

 

And then the other thing is obviously if I'm going to just go nc without us talking about it first, then things like deleting from social media etc, will get a reaction.

 

I really don't know what the right thing to do is?!

[NTRDR]

If you have to ask... then yes. You deserve the universe. You deserve what will make your heart soar. The Earth tremble.

 

Simply....yes

[ks0985]

Clearly there is a pattern with this girl. People never change at the core of who they are. Move on because if you do not this is not going to go away trust me. 3 Years is a long time to invest in someone to still see the same results. If you do you will find someone else and ask your self why the **** you put up with that **** for such a long time trust me.

[KS11]

Thanks for the replies. I know I deserve better and I need to move on, but my problem is whats the best way to do that, given she's going through a sh*t time at the moment, without making it worse??