rainedbows Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 My boyfriend proposed to me a two years ago. I said yes and we continue to have a great relationship. I just want to finish college before I tie the knot. I got a rash on my hands from something in the yard and I took off all my rings, including the engagement ring, until the hives went away completely. In that time, we went to his parents for dinner and it was noticed that I wasn't wearing the ring. Nothing was said at the time, but a few months later my boyfriend went to dinner and he made the comment that his sister (who is married) was being crabby lately and noticed that I wasn't wearing my ring anymore so she wants the diamond back. I had no idea what he was talking about. Then he continued to say that her husband was engaged before and didn't want the diamond so he gave it to my boyfriend to put in a band. It really bummed me out, but I didn't say anything because it is just a ring and he is wonderful, so the ring shouldn't really matter. But I never did put it back on. He asked me recently why I won't wear it and I just answered that it was never meant for me, and I don't want something that someone else wants back. Maybe his sister was just being snippy and said something she didn't mean but I don't want that over my head. He asked for the ring so he could give the diamond back. I never cared for her much before because she is pretty mean to people. I don't see her often, but when I do this coming holiday season I'm afraid she will say something. Am I being weird about this? I didn't know if I was petty and just should accept it the way it was given to me. I would love to wear it because I love him, but every time I look at it I just think that isn't not mine. What do you guys think? Thank you all for your responses! I'm excited to have found this site!
pteromom Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 If the diamond was given with love and openness, I would say you were being petty. But since she wants it back and is making snippy comments about it, I wouldn't want her diamond. Tell your boyfriend that you don't want to feel like you can't or have to wear the ring around his sister, for fear of what she might say or think about it. Ask him to give the diamond back, and ask if you two could go pick out a ring together that wouldn't come with emotional baggage? If money is an issue, tell your boyfriend a simple band is fine and no big diamond is required. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I'm going to split hairs here. I wouldn't want somebody else's unused e-ring either. Based on the title of your post I was going to suggest that you take the diamond & have it remounted in a new setting, but that was already done. My advice: find a way to get over it. If it still makes you uncomfortable, you & your FI need to talk about. Perhaps the 2 of you can come up with a compromise solution including selling/trading the ring he used to propose & getting a whole new ring Your SIL & BIL gave that ring to your FI. It's his & no longer theirs. they have no legal claim to it. He gave it to you. Therefore he has no legal claim to it. All of them have an emotional claim to it & the holidays will be damned uncomfortable if you don't recognize their emotional claim.
CherryT Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 (edited) If I understand correctly, you don't care that the diamond was the BIL's before, but you are more put off by the sisters comments of wanting it back. Because now you feel it's not really yours or meant to be yours? Is this right? Personally, I would not want a ring that was meant for someone else either. If it was because my F couldn't afford one, I would rather just have something super basic but meaningful then to wear something that was someone else's (unless it was a heirloom). One of my ex-coworkers (now husband) e-ring was made with the diamond that was given to his previous girlfriend. He was engaged and it didn't work out and she gave him back the ring. The diamond was almost a 2 CT. He kept the stone only and designed a band customized for my ex coworker. She didn't care because it wasn't 'her' ring... it was just the diamond but everything else was made for her. Did your boyfriend just take the stone and got another band or is the whole thing the same as it was? The sisters comments were a little snotty and it probably didn't help the fact. I mean, she isn't wearing that ring her husband had previously and is asking for it back. I could understand your position... especially because you were taken off guard. You were simply not wearing it because you had an allergic reaction and all of a sudden you found out it was someone else's. I agree with d0nnivain. Figure out a way where you can be OK with it and your F is ok with it too. Can you trade it in or take the stone and design your own band? Edited November 8, 2013 by CherryT
nescafe1982 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Like others here, I find the SIL's asking for the diamond back to be the bigger issue. I, for one, find it silly to want an "unused" diamond and ring specifically because it's what the ring represents that is important. Like Pteromom said, if the ring was given in love and openness, that is what matters... not whether it came directly from the jeweler or via a more circuitous route. But I can absolutely see why you might be less than comfortable wearing a ring that has caused tension and bickering between your fiance and his sister. If she wants the diamond back that badly, maybe you guys can give her the diamond, keep the band, and get another diamond for your ring. That way, the sister can no longer feel entitled to having a "say" in whether or not you wear the ring.
Balzac Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 If the diamond had belonged to an aunt or grandmother? If it was an estate diamond? New setting picked out by your man? The value must be an issue for his sister.
Author rainedbows Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Thank you everyone for your replies! I was mostly upset about the diamond being asked back. It felt terrible to have something that meant to so much to me to not "be mine" if that makes sense. Oddly enough, she went with him to pick out the band to put it in. I would have been happy with a piece of glass in the ring. I really didn't care if it was a used diamond, or no diamond. I wasn't too pleased that he accepted it from his sister and BIL simply because she is a mess, but also because I was never told until there was bad feelings about it that I had no idea about.
Treasa Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Is my reading comprehension off here, or was the diamond meant for someone who came BEFORE his sister-in-law? Sorry, I'm confused, but I don't see how his sister would even have a claim to it if it belonged to her husband and was given to your fiance. However, that being said, if she helped design the band, and you weren't wearing it, maybe she feels hurt because she feels like you don't like the ring, and is therefore expressing why she's hurt/mad. I think maybe you should just start wearing the ring. She said she wanted the diamond back IF you weren't going to wear it. You've had it for two years and you love it. Keep wearing it, girl, and make sure to tell her how much you love the design and how much you appreciate her effort in helping with it.
sabre80 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I'm going to split hairs here. I wouldn't want somebody else's unused e-ring either. Based on the title of your post I was going to suggest that you take the diamond & have it remounted in a new setting, but that was already done. My advice: find a way to get over it. If it still makes you uncomfortable, you & your FI need to talk about. Perhaps the 2 of you can come up with a compromise solution including selling/trading the ring he used to propose & getting a whole new ring Your SIL & BIL gave that ring to your FI. It's his & no longer theirs. they have no legal claim to it. He gave it to you. Therefore he has no legal claim to it. All of them have an emotional claim to it & the holidays will be damned uncomfortable if you don't recognize their emotional claim. 80% of the diamonds on the market aren't NEW. The diamonds nature (being so hard) is that a new and used one aren't discernible. Part of the cartel's strategy was advertising that diamonds never loose value. Diamonds are forever. But they panicked when there was a rush during/after the depression to sell diamonds. That's when they started buying up all the used rings and such (at far lower values) resetting them and selling them new (much higher price).
runningfar Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 If I must have a ring, I'd want it to be "used" because it's more cost efficient (we didn't go the engagement ring route; we can use plain wedding bands once married) But the middle of fighting, awkward- that would bother me.
mortensorchid Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Like the 3rd poster, I am splitting hairs when I say this but ... 1) The Ring itself - This is a symbol of your promise / commitment to another. 2) The Ring's past - If it was something that once belonged to a family member (ex. great grandmother) it is considered a family heirloom. If it was something purchased for another woman from the man's past, well, quite honestly that's tacky of him to have recycled it. 3) The family's reaction - If you hadn't taken it off because of that rash problem, you otherwise would not have found out that your ring was recycled. Ignorance is bliss. Would you have ever found out? I'm guessing not. They should not have told you this. Now that you know this ... You can decide if this ring is important to you or not. If it is replaced with another, will you feel the same about the replacement ring? If I were in his place, I would come clean and then at least offer a replacement. Otherwise, you're in a predicament that others can't help you with.
soccerrprp Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 80% of the diamonds on the market aren't NEW. The diamonds nature (being so hard) is that a new and used one aren't discernible. Part of the cartel's strategy was advertising that diamonds never loose value. Diamonds are forever. But they panicked when there was a rush during/after the depression to sell diamonds. That's when they started buying up all the used rings and such (at far lower values) resetting them and selling them new (much higher price). Interesting. Never heard this before. I've read and understand that diamonds are not as rare as the industry would like us to believe either. It's what the market (people) are willing to pay that matters....my gf doesn't want a diamond ring (yay). She wants something a little less traditional and predictable...
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