Marriedold Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 This is my first post looking for help... My wife and I have been married for a week shy of 3 months. I have two kids, one of which, lives with me full time and the other with his mom full time. My kid plays sports at his school so he must remain in the area to continue going there (every year they require proof of residency). She really wanted to find a new place so we could be starting our life fresh together even though my place had all of the amenities that we both wanted and for a much lower price that other places in the area rented for. Unfortunately, in the 4 months prior to our wedding we searched high and low and could not find anything. At that point she agreed to move in provided changes were made. The building owners agreed and made all of the changes she/we requested. I stayed on them to make sure these changes were being made knowing that this was not an easy decision for her to make. Well, before she moved in I went through all of my old stuff to remove anything that may have remained from my past relationships. Unfortunately, an old xmas card (1 to me and 1 to my kids) and a picture of my kids mom was missed in the clearance. She recently found them. She confronted my asking why I held onto them. I told her that I was not holding onto them and it was a miss in the clearing out of things. She handed me the card and I immediately threw them out, without reading them. I apologized for them being there for her to find. This was 4 days ago. She has since accused my of breaking the trust as well as her heart and there was nothing I could say or do to make things right. I tried speaking to her but she locked me out of the bedroom. I slept on the couch a couple of nights and last night she decided to not come home and stay at a hotel (don't know which one or where). I do not know what to do here... I knew she had security issues when I married her, but not to this degree. One half of me says she is your wife and you need to work through anything. And the other half of me says, what kind of wife leaves you even for one night. I know we need to talk and communicate, that goes without saying. How can you come to grips with when the going gets tough (and you arent even 90 days in) she will just run and hit the road. What to do?
pteromom Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I think her response is WAYYY out of line. An old Christmas card and a picture of your children's mother? Who cares! I think it is sadder that your kids can't even have a photo of their mother around, or that you would throw away a card from their mother to them just because your new wife has issues. As far as her staying in a hotel for one night - that is not such a big deal. At least it wouldn't be IF the reason she needed that was an actual PROBLEM she was dealing with. I would be concerned about her overreaction to this. Oh and - always put your kids first. They didn't choose this woman. But their mom will always be important to them, as it should be. 12
Balzac Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Resist getting sucked in to her drama. She will undoubtedly calm down but she must want to come home. Sadly I'm sure you know this cycle will continue. She needs to build a skill set to manage her anxiety - fight or flight. Try not to personalize her behavior. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Your new wife is a drama queen. You could not have handled the matter better. You did everything right. That said, this isn't about being right. Get your wife into a quiet place tonight. Tell her again that you are sorry that you missed the cards & picture when cleaning. Ask her what you can do going forward to make sure that she is secure in your love for her. If it's not unreasonable do it.
lollipopspot Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 So your kid can't even have a picture of his mom in the house? Why is that acceptable to you? Your kid didn't divorce your ex-wife.
crederer Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I wouldn't apologize to her cause it validates her response. This is a pretty excessive reaction.
Balzac Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Often these women come home and pickup life as if nothing happened. It will boil over again.
bubbaganoosh Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Whoo boy. Sounds like a very immature woman you go there. If she's going to act like that with a old Xmas card with a picture, maybe you better make it real clear that you share two children and there will be interactions with your ex wife so if she's going to get bent out of shape over this, how will she act when you have to have a face to face with your ex or a phone call? You better square her ass away real fast friend. If not, sooner or later she's going to make life really bad. Her reaction to this was unacceptable and you better let her know that she better grow up and start acting like a mature woman rather than some spoiled teenie bopper.
central Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 She's way out of line. With any luck, she won't come back. I think it was a mistake to marry her, but you can fix that. If you don't she'll use this (and any other little issue) to control you the rest of your life.
down hearted Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 so lets see shy of three months into the marriage and she reacts in such a way for something minimal? I don't see the big deal. She should of at least heard you out instead of storming off like a child throwing tantrums. Your ex wife whether your new wife likes it or not will always be in your life, specially with 2 children, did you explain this well to her and made it clear that you have to interact with the ex due to children etc? How does she deal when you go see or visit your other child? She is acting very immature, she knew what she was getting in to marrying someone with children.
Mint Sauce Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 is your current wife your former OW? Did you leave your wife to be with her? That would explain her almost irrational fear, in particular if it took you a long time to actually separate from your wife. If the two of you met under perfectly clean conditions, her behavior is way out of line. Both me and my partner have a lot of stuff from our previous marriages in "memory boxes" in our house. Neither of us feels threatened by that.
sabre80 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I agree with the posters here. Her reaction was overboard. More importantly. . . She needs to get herself to a position of accepting that because of your children, your Ex will always have a presence. Your current wife even needs to support this. If she is constantly patrolling the house for any sign of ex your children will begin to resent her. Children should not be forced to take sides. And if they have to they will usually choose bio parent over step parent any day.
firemanq Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Your new wife is a drama queen. You could not have handled the matter better. You did everything right. That said, this isn't about being right. Get your wife into a quiet place tonight. Tell her again that you are sorry that you missed the cards & picture when cleaning. Ask her what you can do going forward to make sure that she is secure in your love for her. If it's not unreasonable do it. Then cut off your dick and give it to her. Maybe then she will be happy, but probably not. She does not sound as if she wants to be in a partnership, but will always want to be in control. Hide your password from her, you will need to come back here again.
Clockwork Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Very excessive reaction. Your kid's mother will be part of their life, and to a lesser extent your life, forever. She should know this going into the marriage. It wasn't a secret. But you always have to be careful when you marry a person with insecurities. There are going to be the odd time when you and your ex-wife have to be in the same room. I figure you'll act civil, but will your current wife? She has to realize this is all part of the deal, but at the end of the day you divorced the kids' mother for a reason and you married this woman for a reason. She should realize this and if that doesn't mean she's the #1 woman in your life, nothing will.
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