Mr Weir Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 My first posting! OK I would like a female viewpoint please. I split with my ex g/f 18 months ago and it ended in an unpleasant fashion. But I moved on by brushing the whole thing under the carpet. But last Dec she turned up and returned two books and some wine glasses. I'd forgotten she even had them! Barely a word was spoken and she took off. Then for 6 months....nothing. But then she texted me out of the blue. Initially wanting answers to "what when wrong" and that she was angry. She included her new house phone number as she'd moved ( I didn't phone her ) She also phoned for a brief chat. Anyway we fell out and the texts stopped. She actually has a b/f but apparently is an on-off saga. Curious she never mentioned him once in her texts. They bought a flat together but he didn't move in. Instead he lives 20 miles away! Now, my ex has a 4 year old son and the curious thing is that this house is 5 metres from a v busy road. Not the actions of a man who wants children in his life! ( but not my business I suppose ) We bump in to each other now and again and the atmosphere is v awkward ie love/ hate/passion and butterflies etc However we never speak The big question is; was she after closure has has she failed to let go bearing in mind her current relationship is obviously is bad nick. Help!
tattoomytoe Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 sounds like she is reaching back to someone she has known (you), possibly to hook up with you. i wouldn't acknowledge her at all...that is why she is an ex right? so her life sucks...she calls, i bet in the interim times between your contact- things were fine.
Author Mr Weir Posted December 16, 2004 Author Posted December 16, 2004 Tattoomytoe You're soooooo right! I know all her ups and downs through this guys cousin ( at my workplace ) so I'm getting all the gossip and juicy bits !! He paid for a holiday in Australia and backed out 3 days before they were due to fly out. But eventually he went but there were major fall-outs and so they split when they came home. Consequently he bought other property to live in ( must have money ! ) It was at this time the texts started. The usual s**t. eg "I hated it and loved it when we split" "the real me never got out" "the timing was all wrong" I texted her saying "you're clearly not 100% happy" The reply being " who IS 100% happy" Clearly not her. She even suggested we met ( I didn't fany it ) Not sure if this was to "discuss our relationship" ot to see if she could sweet talk me. Other things I found out were that his parents didn't care for her at all. Death knell for a relationship in my book. Families see things in a different light! She even phoned his father late one night to complain that life had treated her s**t. He had just started a bottle of whisky! I'd complain if the phone rang if I were contemplating a delicious malt. Half of me laughs out loud when I hear the whole saga. But I do have feelings and so I feel sorry for her. But I never understood her for one second. Thanks again for your posting Oh she also fell pregnant to him ( but lost the baby ) But I bet she was never pregnant. She was either trying to put a rope round his neck or use it to get one over on me!
moon Posted December 17, 2004 Posted December 17, 2004 So this girl broke up with you? Did this other guy she is seeing play into it at all? Did she know/see/talk to him before you broke up? Just curious as to if he was a rebound relationship. If he was then she's going back to the source and trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship and maybe why she found this other flake appealing. Maybe she never got over you....don't know. Why did you break up? It sounds like ultimately your ex and her current bf are having a bad relationship. Things are up, things are down. She probably knows that a long lasting functional relationship with this guy might not be able to happen. It is probably more obvious to you or those around you, though. As you might know, when you are in those kinds of bad relationships you are hoping things can work out, you are hoping the people will change, grow up, be a man....whatever. But in the mean time I am sure there is a sneaking suspision in you ex that she's in a dead end relationship. She's probably turning to you for new drama (if that is the type of person she is) or she's looking for comfort (when and if she needs it). If I were you I'd sort of steer clear of her. It sounds like she might be having sort of a dysfunctional, can't live with you, can't live with out you, type of relationship. You could get sucked in the middle. I mean talk to her if you wish, but I wouldn't be getting any romantic notions about it at this time. You know the thing is, I bet she might come to you soon wanting something else from you. You will be her escape from this guy, maybe. But I can't help but think that it will be very temporary and you'll just get very hurt as she runs back and forth between you and that other guy. It's funny because you're asking for an opinion from a girl. I would never do what I just said your ex would do (nor have I ever done it). But I have known people like her. I mean, who call up the last guy they dated a year later, while they are with somebody else and asks to know again what went wrong and are maybe trying to relite the flame again. She's hoping you can be the guy she falls back on I think. That's just my jaded, view from a far here observation--could be wrong. This is my case in point that there are few people in this life that you actually love, but the ones you do, you never forget, no matter how much you want to say you hated them at one time or you don't want to see them, love is rare. Those people stay in your mind or heart in some way, shape or form......Sorry off subject. Anyway, so just because this girl is barking up your tree again........and you may still love her (I am sure you do) doesn't mean she isn't just going to use you as a pit stop in between mad arguments with her current boyfriend or as a shelter when he kicks her out........only to let her back in a few days later. Iick. I'd stay out of it. I'd stay out of it until (and only when) she's single and gotten over this past one. Very important. I'd follow your head, not your heart on this one. Maybe this is giving you some pleasure. Maybe it rightfully is. But I wouldn't get yourself hurt in the process.
Author Mr Weir Posted December 17, 2004 Author Posted December 17, 2004 Moon, thanks for your reply. My goodness, lots of info for me to digest. Maybe my posting struck a chord with you. But I can't make a long reply as I overslept this morning and I'm late for a meeting so tomorrow I'll post a more considered reply! Thanks again for your v accurate assessment. You certainly read the situation well!
Author Mr Weir Posted December 18, 2004 Author Posted December 18, 2004 OK Moon. I'm so ill today. Drank too much beer last night! The split was because of a silly arguement. She stormed off in tears saying she never wanted to see me again. Usual script. Anyway, I could tell from her body language that she still wanted the relationship but between us we couldn't resolve all issues. So we split. The guy she is with was more of an acquaintense than a friend ( of hers, not mine ) Bizarre thing is that he lived on the same street as her but in our 4 months together I never met him and she only casually mentioned his name once. So my guess is that she sold him the big sob story and threw in some s*x to keep him sweet. I'll also bet she is serving him the same type of relationship that I got and maybe he realised that he was the fall guy/rebound man. As for drama, well, drama was her middle name. She should have been an actress. I'll bet she initially used him as a "therapist" to get over me. And maybe he sussed that and tried to split up. She does struggle to keep decent relationships going with men ie she never knew her own father. Her father beat her mother etc. Then between 16 and 22 years of age my ex was in an abusive relationship. So I come in to her life and as a quiet educated guy, it was something she'd never experienced before. I think her destiny is to be in a torrid type of relationship. She is 38 and has a 4 year old son, lots of relationships, no career as such and is clearly desperate to settle down. But my guess is that she'll settle for the wrong guy. Also since her son was born she's had 6 guys in her life which must confuse her son. She has now been pregnant to 3 different men ( mis-carried twice ) and as a guy that isn't good news ( and I bet you agree! ) My vent is nearly over. Even last night in the pub someone I scarcely know chose to casually mention her name. It's like the "relationship that never died" You clearly sussed that I have strong feelings for her and I wish I could help her but I don't have the mental energy to deal with her attention seeking ways. AmI right in saying that my story has struck a chord with you? Have you been in a similar situation? I'm dating someone and we've bumped in to my ex g/f twice and on both occasions she threw me a "look" and headed off in an other direction. Keep in touch and thanks again for your posting.
Weird Posted December 18, 2004 Posted December 18, 2004 dude, no doubt it sounds to me that she still has feelings for you and as has been mentioned, is coming to you because her life sucks. It is like she really is trying to put you on her bench in case this dysfunctional relationship she is in goes sour she has you to go back to. Good to hear you aren't being fed by her BS machine and indeed, she sounds like a weird one (knocked up by 3 diff guys? Sheesh, use some protection) who possibly subconciously needs a dysfunctional relationship to keep her going.
Author Mr Weir Posted December 20, 2004 Author Posted December 20, 2004 Weird, thanks for your reply. I had the misfortune to bump in to my ex yesterday. She was in a cafe with her b/f, son and mother. I was sat near the door but out of harms way. Or so I thought! Because as she left she did that loud voice thing ie made a comment that i was meant to hear. it was a bs thing to say. And then for good measure as they stood out side zipping up jackets etc she starts snogging the guy under my nose! Now, she clearly set out to wind me up and to a degree it worked but of course the very fact she chose to act like that was proof I was still on her mind. Plus, the poor guy surely realised that he was being used. I'm old enough and wise enough to know this "problem" has got legs. It's like the relationship that never died. Plus I'll wager he'll dump her again. All the non verbal indicators are pointing that way
Weird Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 what was the comment she made? sad to see that at 38 she still resorts to acting like a teeny bopper. I also do find it funny she obviously has you on her mind and has a strong opinion of you to be so childish. Good job leaving your mark.
Author Mr Weir Posted December 20, 2004 Author Posted December 20, 2004 Rob There were two remarks. 1. I feel sorry for him 2. That would be cruel ( god knows what was behind that ) Of course there could have been a legit reason for the remarks but I doubt it. My instinct is that during the summer she was trying to worm her way back but because i didn't take the bait she's goading me! She'll hang on to her man for grim death but if you've read the earlier postings the signs are that he'll dump her again. ( he's dumped her twice apparantly ) Thanks for your interest
Weird Posted December 20, 2004 Posted December 20, 2004 oh man, i cant wait until she gets dumped and tries to come back to you. this happened wiht a friend of mine. his ex broke up with him after almost 5 years and then started to trash him to everyone. she got dumped by some guy and now wants back with him. he told her to take a hike but she keeps pressing.
Author Mr Weir Posted December 20, 2004 Author Posted December 20, 2004 We'll see Rob I forgot to mention something from when she phoned in June ( if she thought I was such a w****r, why did she still hold on to my home number? ) Anyway, the day she phoned.......her opening line and I quote " Ally, don't think I'm a psycho and I don't want you back but I want to talk" Sure we talked for 20 mins but her opening statement. Personally I disagreed on both counts. Nuff said....
donside Posted December 21, 2004 Posted December 21, 2004 Mr Weir Sounds like a fun relationship! So, she has had 18 months to get over you - and probably hasn't! But that's not your problem, it's hers and her b/f's. If my wife still had unresolved issues about an ex then I'd worry about our future together. The biggest victim may be her b/f. Maybe he'll guess that he was at the wrong end of a rebound relationship. So don't worry too much. You may get the last laugh !!
living well Posted December 22, 2004 Posted December 22, 2004 I'd steer well clear. your relationship didn't work and her new "thing" doesn't appear to perfect. but that's no reason for you to get involved. let her stew in her own juice.
Author Mr Weir Posted December 28, 2004 Author Posted December 28, 2004 I don't want to harp on about this subject.....but I will! I sat two tables away from my ex in a cafe. We were both with friends and never spoke but the atmosphere was v tense with the odd half glance/stare. I don't get it. Can't work out if it's a unfinished business scenario or just residual tension thaat will go on forever!
the thinker Posted January 3, 2005 Posted January 3, 2005 I'm fed up hearing these kind of stories. There are so many people attracting "the wrong kind of person" Well surely "you are what you attract". The women you're describing sounds as if she is attracted to bad guys. Well leave her to it. Please don't tell me you want a lifetime of emotional grief on your hands. Leave it to the other guy. Maybe he's getting the same treatment as you, he's dumped her once or twice - y/n? Move on.....
Author Mr Weir Posted January 3, 2005 Author Posted January 3, 2005 ok ok "the thinker" point taken but i still cared about her enough that if she wanted to talk to me - i'd listen life isn't always black and white. that's why so many people use this forum. right?
swimming Posted January 6, 2005 Posted January 6, 2005 Doubt if this was closure. If her new man didn't give her what she wanted then naturally she'd reach out to you. It does sound like unfinished business. And there's only one way to fimd closure for yourself and that is...speak to her b/c i think you still care. i can feel the tension between u 2 from here!
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