hurtnomorerika Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I was reading another thread where the MM "threw the OW under the bus" in front of the wife to protect himself. I had this happen to me recently. Is this common behavior of the MM/MW when the BS finds out about the affair. Even though I know he was doing it to protect himself and his actions of the affair. It still made me feel like crap. How did you handle the MW/MM doing that? What did do they to make up for it when they decided to swindle themselves back to you as the OM/OW? Did they apologize? Did you accept?
Socalidude20 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Well yeah when people found I don't really get why I was thrown under the bus. And people didn't really blame him. I was blamed for seducing him. When he actually pursued me. Some thought I was trying mess a home up when I was not emotionally attached at all.
violet1 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Yep, it happens all of the time. I've been on various forums for years. It's rare to hear of an OW/OM not getting thrown under the bus. The only times it doesn't happen is if the MW/MM are truly unhappy in their marriages or in an exit affair. 2
Summer Breeze Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 It's very common and it's very much human nature. A kid gets caught doing something wrong and there's always someone else to blame. Real live adults learn over their lives that is not the way to go but some never get to the status of real live adults. I learned in therapy that most people use a knee jerk reaction for self preservation and most MM/MW do just that. Caught and cornered so the quickest and easiest way out is to lie and blame someone else. And as my therapist said, a lot of BS will naturally hate the OW so often will help WS out with unique ways to put her under the bus. Mature adults take responsibility for their actions and the repercussions of them. 4
waterwoman Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 What does throwing the AP under the bus mean? H told OW it was over by text. I don't know what he said for certain but he tells me he simply said I had found the texts and they had to stop. As far as I know he wasn't rude or aggressive. He didn't minimise their relationship or blame her to me - he took all the blame on himself. Because he loved us both but I forced him into making a choice. Is that throwing her under the bus? If so what would be classed as doing it right?
RickFox Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Yep it's the most common and quite hurtful reaction and most go through it one way or the other. it didn't matter to me that xmw did it to keep herself safe out simply negated anything she had said to me. Even then most of us will allow them back at some point
veryhappy Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Common, expected, cliché, 99% guarantee. My exAP threw me under the bus even if his W didn't find out about the A. Asking me to resume the A in the same breath with telling me how he never meant that he wanted to be with me and he's committed to the W. Oh, and I thought my A was not a cliché. Told him all along that I really didn't want to get there and gave him exits at all times. Most of them can't see the big picture, very much like a child who is potty training, convinced he's got it, but because he's not there yet stil wets himself. 1
underwater2010 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I guess my FWH and his MOW are the exception. They both took blame for the affair. Guess what my husband wasn't looking for an exit or that unhappy. Just passing time while I was at work with the sexting and chatting. He was kinda of a chicken and couldn't bring himself to met up with her. She on the other hand was also bored, but had a f'ed up childhood and equates sex with her husband to be lights out and at night. Any extra fun sex is for prostitutes and affairs. She is a serial cheater. I am sorry you find yourself to be one of the many that were thrown under the bus. But this is why I always tell the OW/OM to answer any questions that the BS comes up with honestly and not hide behind the curtain for them. 1
liloldlady Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 It's rare to hear of an OW/OM not getting thrown under the bus. The only times it doesn't happen is if the MW/MM are truly unhappy in their marriages or in an exit affair. Interesting! I did some things I am sure he had to explain away, and I'm sure they weren't flattering toward me, however he's still returned to me and acknowledged me on social media (at my slight prodding albeit), so whatever he said/perpetuated, if anything during our brief hiatus, must not have been so bad. As for him being unhappy..not my business. (That his part of life, not mine.) 1
MissBee Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I was reading another thread where the MM "threw the OW under the bus" in front of the wife to protect himself. I had this happen to me recently. Is this common behavior of the MM/MW when the BS finds out about the affair. Even though I know he was doing it to protect himself and his actions of the affair. It still made me feel like crap. How did you handle the MW/MM doing that? What did do they to make up for it when they decided to swindle themselves back to you as the OM/OW? Did they apologize? Did you accept? Yes it's common behavior. It didn't happen to me, as there was no dday and things ended without one. Not sure how I would move on from that, but there have been OW in the past who've expressed that for them that didn't matter, as they felt he " had to" and once things cooled down they were back on. It would personally make me feel even more minimized and like the whole thing was a sham...but it really depends on your whole orientation towards the A. I imagine in cases where both are married, the throwing under the bus thing seems more understandable to the people involved while in the single AP and MP case it may be more hurtful. 1
Got it Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 It didn't happen in our situation. He took responsibility and blame for it when we had a dday. 1
cocorico Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I expect it's pretty common where the BS discovers the A before the WS is emotionally ready to disclose it. I guess the OW who've lived through that either take it personally as being "minimised", or see it as an inevitable part of a conflicted dynamic where the WS seeks to buy more time by doing whatever they feel they need to at the time to stave off having to take decisions they are not yet emotionally ready to take. I cannot say how I would have responded in such a situation as it did not happen to us. There was no DDay. He informed her that he intended to leave (and why) and then did so when he was able to.
MorbidFever Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Not at first. He did try to make himself a martyr to his fan base though. However, privately, in the beginning, he let her know we were still in contact and told her he loved me. He felt the need to send me screenshots of their text messages about me for some reason. Now? Since our plans to be together crumbled, he feels the need every now and then to publicly hurt me through social media and make excuses for his actions.
violet1 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Interesting! I did some things I am sure he had to explain away, and I'm sure they weren't flattering toward me, however he's still returned to me and acknowledged me on social media (at my slight prodding albeit), so whatever he said/perpetuated, if anything during our brief hiatus, must not have been so bad. As for him being unhappy..not my business. (That his part of life, not mine.) A lot of affairs will go underground after a D Day too. I was on a few forums specifically for waywards for a long time. A lot of times AP's will discuss their back up plans if there's a bust prior. I'll be honest, my OM and I have had the discussion. I'm sure if we had a D Day though it would be a different story. I actually expect him to throw me under the bus although he says he wouldn't. Waywards a lot of times try to minimize the BS's pain by blaming the AP. It's not right, but IMO it's the nature of the beast.
bentleychic Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I'm curious if ANY WS out there talked to the OM/OW during the A about what would happen if DDay occurred and actually did just as they said they would.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 Yes - it is very common. At first my xMM tried to convince me (we were supposed to be in NC but still had contact during the first couple of months after dday) that he wasn't, but it became obvious as the months went on, and things I heard from others that he definitely did. And then after NC really did happen for good, it was very, very obvious by the actions by him and by his BS - I was thrown under the bus, left for dead and had to pick up the pieces on my own. But it eventually comes out in the wash - the truth does come out, it just takes time. Even though it was the hardest thing I ever did, I stood tall within my community and I am now back and respected, probably more than ever. He cannot hardly show his face around here anymore because he ran and never faced anything - and it's his hometown as well. He is not thought of well at all - he is looked at as a manipulator, douche bag, arrogant and egotistical. At the time, it was so hard for me because it appeared he got off scott free. But he didn't - not by a long shot. But, yes, the story is age old.
Author hurtnomorerika Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 Yes - it is very common. At first my xMM tried to convince me (we were supposed to be in NC but still had contact during the first couple of months after dday) that he wasn't, but it became obvious as the months went on, and things I heard from others that he definitely did. And then after NC really did happen for good, it was very, very obvious by the actions by him and by his BS - I was thrown under the bus, left for dead and had to pick up the pieces on my own. But it eventually comes out in the wash - the truth does come out, it just takes time. Even though it was the hardest thing I ever did, I stood tall within my community and I am now back and respected, probably more than ever. He cannot hardly show his face around here anymore because he ran and never faced anything - and it's his hometown as well. He is not thought of well at all - he is looked at as a manipulator, douche bag, arrogant and egotistical. At the time, it was so hard for me because it appeared he got off scott free. But he didn't - not by a long shot. But, yes, the story is age old. It hurt me, but you're right. The truth will come out eventually and everyone will know who he truly is.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I was the OW but we discussed it. In the end, I disclosed the affair to his wife and he went into damage control mode. Still, I believe I would have been thrown me under a semi regardless. Of course he previously said if we had a dday, he'd never do do that. It would all be in the open and we'd be together. The affair was already over when I disclosed but I think he could have driven the bus over me no matter how it was discovered. In his last text to me, he said he intended "to pick up the pieces, not knowing if he could salvage his marriage or not." Despite nine months of constantly claiming his marriage was over, he sure changed his tune. This must be a very common theme. My XMM also wrote (my husband read it and so did his bs) in a letter to me "if it all blows up, I will stand beside you and we will face it together". That he would not "abandon me". His words were worth nothing.
MorbidFever Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 It hurt me, but you're right. The truth will come out eventually and everyone will know who he truly is. At least in my case, those that know are the ones that truly matter to me. Even those that don't know the full story, this is what I can conclude - the men don't care and the women distance themselves from you. It's such b.s. how other women blame just the woman only for a relationship/affair. HE was the one that started it. Could I have ignored him? Sure. But, I was flattered and had been in awe of him for some time before he noticed me. Not trying to excuse my behavior, but had he never contacted me, this never would have happened. I also find, even those that you care about, that know the truth, there is still a stigma of 'fooling around with a married man' crap. The majority of people never blame the MM no matter what the facts are.
MorbidFever Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Also, check this out. Can you think of any character or entity where a man is a seducer? We have one. Jezebel. The evil demon form/spirit that seduces all those poor helpless unsuspecting men. History has taught this for years. They even teach men how to spot and avoid these 'types of women'. I've seen YouTube videos about how to spot a woman that the Jezebel spirit lives within :roll eyes:
yellowmaverick Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 At least in my case, those that know are the ones that truly matter to me. Even those that don't know the full story, this is what I can conclude - the men don't care and the women distance themselves from you. It's such b.s. how other women blame just the woman only for a relationship/affair. HE was the one that started it. Could I have ignored him? Sure. But, I was flattered and had been in awe of him for some time before he noticed me. Not trying to excuse my behavior, but had he never contacted me, this never would have happened. I also find, even those that you care about, that know the truth, there is still a stigma of 'fooling around with a married man' crap. The majority of people never blame the MM no matter what the facts are. It is human nature to judge people based on their behavior, especially when the general public finds the behavior to be immoral or offensive. The solution is simple, though - if you are offended by being judged for having sex with a married man, then stop having sex with married men. If you choose to continue to behave in that manner, then you have to accept the fact that you will be judged for your conduct. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I think the point she is making is that there is a double standard. In most of these cases the woman is the one at fault. Let's even take the "woman caught in adultery" in the New Testament. I always wondered where the man is - it said this woman was caught in the "very act". Surely there was a man! This is always the way it has been. Men are expected to have affairs. But obviously they have to have an affair with someone. It's so ridiculous.
yellowmaverick Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I think the point she is making is that there is a double standard. In most of these cases the woman is the one at fault. Let's even take the "woman caught in adultery" in the New Testament. I always wondered where the man is - it said this woman was caught in the "very act". Surely there was a man! This is always the way it has been. Men are expected to have affairs. But obviously they have to have an affair with someone. It's so ridiculous. I don't really see much of a double standard. Married men are not "expected" to have affairs where I live (the U.S.). For me personally, my opinion is the same for anyone engaged in an affair. IMO, OW should worry about what they can 100% control and stop worrying about what they cannot control. Stop whining about how YOU are perceived/judged and CHANGE the situation if it bothers you that much. If you choose not to change a situation that you have CHOSEN to participate in, stop whining about it. You (general) have 100% control over your actions, but you have very little, if any, control over the consequences. That's life. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Look at history and look at the books written on the subject - the biblical example I just gave you, the scarlet letter, etc. - it is always the woman who is blamed no matter what. It is what it is. And I live in the US as well - my xmom and my husband (who is a fws) both got off way easier than I did. It is life.
Got it Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I don't really see much of a double standard. Married men are not "expected" to have affairs where I live (the U.S.). For me personally, my opinion is the same for anyone engaged in an affair. IMO, OW should worry about what they can 100% control and stop worrying about what they cannot control. Stop whining about how YOU are perceived/judged and CHANGE the situation if it bothers you that much. If you choose not to change a situation that you have CHOSEN to participate in, stop whining about it. You (general) have 100% control over your actions, but you have very little, if any, control over the consequences. That's life. Yes but that has little to do with the posts that you are replying to. What the poster is saying is that there is a double standard. And I am in the US and I have seen that. Where it is more of the female's responsibility for a male's sexual transgressions (OW) as well as the male's sexual happiness (bs). And since people are allowed to post here, I don't see the topic, or the comments as "whining" or against LS policy. So I believe they are allowed to continue posting. 1
Recommended Posts