I had to leave, his words were terrible.

[wispa2013]

Hi, I do appreciate you reading this.

 

I met my partner about a year ago, within 3 months he moved in with me (early I know). He didnnt have a place on his own, so moved back in with parents at the age of 36 before he met me, because he was still completing his doctors degree and he is on the last 3 years of it now. He is a doctor studying to be a GP and will be fully qualified in roughly 2015. He works long hours, studies hard and you can imagine knackered.

 

He started late and admitted he wished he started early to have his own place or even rented but his studies and student years meant he was on the move alot.

 

I am 38, have my own place, I love my job, work freelance and financially secure and have a nice life, not stressful really just nice. I dont really drink or socialise that much, thats because my job takes up alot of my time and I feel that when I see my friends its more coffee, catch up...etc.

 

When I met my partner, he told me he suffered from depression and so did his dad. Which I found upsetting to hear. He also had diverticulitis from stress and poor diet many years ago and that he is due an operation in a few months time. Which means he will be off work for 3 months. He took very ill when he was with me a few months back and it really scared me.

 

He is has Rosaccea on his face too which he cant handle too well when stressed he has a huge flare up. So there are many insecurities around him and incredibly difficult to handle at times too. I use to find it hard to be attracted to him during those times, that sounds so shallow but his face was terrible alot of the times. However I did deep down love him.

 

The relationship trust me was lovely, really lovely, romantic and I felt I had met my match. My only concern was his fiery temper whenever I would have an opinion about something. It was so bad that I would chuck him out the house every now and again because his fowl language would make me feel totally deflated and also very upset and angry like I was nothing...he always had to get the last word in. In the end I would go passive, he would carry on and I would resort to silence. In the end he would come round and apologise with presants, gifts and also saying sorry. Tears would be there too....

 

I am not one for opening up, or saying sorry, I am not that affectionate either but he did help me in those areas and I am thankful for that.

 

When the relationship was up and down he use to say "You cant chuck me out the next time ok, I wont allow it!" which made me think he had some kind of hold over me which wasnt particularly nice in the end.

 

Recently a few weeks back I had to do the same, chuck him out and now for good. He called me (lets just say it begins with F and the next word is C) and for me that was it. He said, he has nowhere to live, said "are you just going to throw me on the streets? and I will make your life here a nightmare if I have to stay here a month for me to find somewhere else.?"

 

Luckily, a friend of his had a room for rent in London for £1000, ouch I know and now he is staying there, not happy because its so expensive but admits she was lovely for putting him up with her partner and all his cousing friends are nearby, he loves london.So I am glad he has found somewhere to live as I cant live with him at all or want him at the moment.

.....just before I chucked him out he said that whenever we argue he finds it hard to love me....interesting!!

 

He texts me saying he misses me, loves me, it hurts...etc etc..and I have become cold, distant and very harsh with him which is the way I react to things and him, its not a good trait I know and I never say sorry as I can say hurtful things too, trust me..but he seems to be able to handle it better whereas I dont...

 

I use to suffer from panic attacks and depression myself but that was roughly around 18 years ago, never took any drugs or saw anyone just wanted to deal with it myself and since then its hasnt come back, fingers crossed ....however I am not that confident....at times with myself and relationships more so with being assertive.

 

so i have given him space as I feel he needs his own space/place and looking after as his insults even to the point of saying I had a chip on my shoulder about his job being a doctor? (which didnt make sense) to saying my job was easy and all my friends and life are around here and he had nothing.....I felt a pang of jealousy with him and he was incredibly so with my male friends or any men around me, whether work, gym, on the street...or anyone that looked at me.

 

I still, love him dearly, finding it hard to move on, I throw myself into work alot, go to the gym, read, friends, family, social, dance etc...and yet still miss him...damn!!

 

Then my mum kindly reminds me of his bad points and says that his good points were that he lived in my flat and you miss his company....

 

I feel weaker around him, I was upset alot and became what I would call emotionally needy...which scared me....and also very angry and resentful.

 

I am still feeling emotionally needy, we have text, but he cant believe I left him out cold, who does that he says? I said I do because you called me a FC!

 

not sure he gets that part....I feel I have done the right thing but another part of me misses the love, his cooking, his sweet nature and intelligence, that I truly admired....and was adorable with everyday messages, calls and real love for me.

 

His brother, hate to say this, committed suicide when my partner was only 20 and since then, he literally went off the rails and cant come off these anti depressants, when he does I cant explain how horrific it is, dark is the word. He also smoked alot of weed and drank alot in his time to combat this..his mum dealt with it by drinking and since then its been a horrific time....18 years later...I am sure he hasnt still got over it...he doesnt drink anymore or take any drugs just very strong anti depressants.

 

he was very bitter about his last partner who treated him badly and left him twice too...and cheated on him, (I havent) and his last partner the same...I am starting to wonder if there is a pattern.

 

Thank you for reading, sorry its so long, I just wanted someone to read and if thats all then I dont expect a reply.

 

best wishes

x

[darkmoon]

you are dealing with a 37 y o man, let him rent his own place, let his friend reduce the rent, let him make his way in the world, he is a grown man not your son (not even a husband) okay

 

 

meet with him forgive him if you like for his FC attack, until you can live together amicably, well, just meet for weekends, I think he misses and loves your home as much as he misses and loves you

 

 

I see a man who is old enough to live drama-free, so his idea of you being chippy because he will be a doctor makes him a lousy stable-mate and companion, for it is petty bitching based on his imagination

 

 

good luck with that

[Zahara]

You can take him back. But will it change the fact that his temper is never going to change until he gets help controlling his rage?

 

All you'll keep doing is kicking him out and taking him back again. You miss the comfort of him. That comfort isn't worth taking someone that disrespects you with that much vile. A man calls me the C word and he's out. Someone that views me in such a degrading way isn't someone that loves me or respects me.

[wispa2013]

You can take him back. But will it change the fact that his temper is never going to change until he gets help controlling his rage?

 

All you'll keep doing is kicking him out and taking him back again. You miss the comfort of him. That comfort isn't worth taking someone that disrespects you with that much vile. A man calls me the C word and he's out. Someone that views me in such a degrading way isn't someone that loves me or respects me.

 

Thank you for your reply, the C word was enough for me and thats exactly what I thought....I have never heard that before which was pretty degrading to hear.....

[Zahara]

Thank you for your reply, the C word was enough for me and thats exactly what I thought....I have never heard that before which was pretty degrading to hear.....

 

Yes, very disrespectful. If I loved someone, it would never cross my mind to ever be so vile. You will try very hard to stay away from any name calling, especially slinging a word like that.

 

Aside from that, he generally has a bad temper. It's toxic and damaging.

[Haydn]

My ex used foul language and violence. (I put up with it) But i would now tell anyone else NOT TO. He will not change, and to call you that is beyond belief. You will always remember how he spoke to you. And if you take him back you will grow to resent him. That`s my quids worth. Take care.

[lindsay1990]

You should take some time and do really serious introspection as to the hurtful things you admit you say (even if you don't curse) and you definitely need to learn to apologize, as there is no replacement for it in rebuilding after conflicts result in hurt feelings.There is never an excuse for failing to deliver an apology to someone we have hurt. Work on your self-regulation and self-accountability.

 

I advise you that because everybody is responsible for their own actions. You say you feel like are doing the right thing by having him move out. It definitely sounds like the better, healthy options at this time. But it takes two to tango and two to deteriorate relationship dynamics, so the best advice is for you to really work out yourself in this time and get to the bottom of why you either push his buttons, why he can get a reaction out of you that results in worse fights or maybe why you have lasted a year in this this dynamic.

 

Perhaps you have some self-esteem quirks to sort out, or perhaps you think that what you say to him when you fight isn't as bad as what he says to you. In any case, some introspection and self-analysis could help you gain a lot of perspective in this case as you can only be accountable for your actions.

 

He does not make you do anything - be hurtful, be cold, etc. - but you ALSO DON'T MAKE HIM FLIP OUT AND CALL YOU NAMES. What people do is on other people, but how we react is on ourselves no matter how much we want to think we are driven to something. Again, this applies to both of you.

 

Adults don't react, they respond. Remember this, and use some distance and time to sort out your feelings and maybe where the dynamics are coming from between the two of you, and also between yourself. Maybe he will be doing the same, maybe not. But you only have to gain from this process.

 

Also, remember that just because you are not explosive and calling names your lack of affection and coldness isn't hurting him. It could be that you are passive-aggressive towards him and this fuels the fire. However, it could just be a matter of incompatibility and you are better off apart unless you can compromise to fulfil each other's differing needs.

 

 

Good luck.

Edited November 7, 2013 by lindsay1990

[wispa2013]

You should take some time and do really serious introspection as to the hurtful things you admit you say (even if you don't curse) and you definitely need to learn to apologize, as there is no replacement for it in rebuilding after conflicts result in hurt feelings.There is never an excuse for failing to deliver an apology to someone we have hurt. Work on your self-regulation and self-accountability.

 

I advise you that because everybody is responsible for their own actions. You say you feel like are doing the right thing by having him move out. It definitely sounds like the better, healthy options at this time. But it takes two to tango and two to deteriorate relationship dynamics, so the best advice is for you to really work out yourself in this time and get to the bottom of why you either push his buttons, why he can get a reaction out of you that results in worse fights or maybe why you have lasted a year in this this dynamic.

 

Perhaps you have some self-esteem quirks to sort out, or perhaps you think that what you say to him when you fight isn't as bad as what he says to you. In any case, some introspection and self-analysis could help you gain a lot of perspective in this case as you can only be accountable for your actions.

 

He does not make you do anything - be hurtful, be cold, etc. - but you ALSO DON'T MAKE HIM FLIP OUT AND CALL YOU NAMES. What people do is on other people, but how we react is on ourselves no matter how much we want to think we are driven to something. Again, this applies to both of you.

 

Adults don't react, they respond. Remember this, and use some distance and time to sort out your feelings and maybe where the dynamics are coming from between the two of you, and also between yourself. Maybe he will be doing the same, maybe not. But you only have to gain from this process.

 

Also, remember that just because you are not explosive and calling names your lack of affection and coldness isn't hurting him. It could be that you are passive-aggressive towards him and this fuels the fire. However, it could just be a matter of incompatibility and you are better off apart unless you can compromise to fulfil each other's differing needs.

 

 

Good luck.

 

thank you thats very good advice and I will take that into consideration, I am now learning to say sorry, be more assertive with my feelings instead of passive aggressive because I know I can be. I know it takes two and I guess i must have fueled his fire, which isnt nice, so I am taking the blame here too, I will admit it and I am at fault, he use to say this to me too.....

 

oh dear I have alot of learning to do still I feel....I will keep it up and I want to have successful relationships whether its with him or with someone else. thank you again.

[lindsay1990]

thank you thats very good advice and I will take that into consideration, I am now learning to say sorry, be more assertive with my feelings instead of passive aggressive because I know I can be. I know it takes two and I guess i must have fueled his fire, which isnt nice, so I am taking the blame here too, I will admit it and I am at fault, he use to say this to me too.....

 

oh dear I have alot of learning to do still I feel....I will keep it up and I want to have successful relationships whether its with him or with someone else. thank you again.

 

 

 

No problem.

 

Just remember that passive-aggression is still an aggression. Even if you're not the first to shout doesn't mean you didn't start it. Just watch YOURSELF, it's all you can do and all you have control over

[esteem-jam]

He is has Rosaccea on his face too which he cant handle too well when stressed he has a huge flare up. So there are many insecurities around him and incredibly difficult to handle at times too. I use to find it hard to be attracted to him during those times, that sounds so shallow but his face was terrible alot of the times. However I did deep down love him.

 

I have a skin condition, and I am perceptive how people react or disreact to it. Maybe it is not your cup of tea. Should have decided at the start. You say you found it hard to be attracted to him, at times. Now I would feel ****ty if suddenly I am the monster in the room, and its not even my fault.

However I did deep down love him.

Maybe you stayed out of guilt?!?

 

Yes, very disrespectful. If I loved someone, it would never cross my mind to ever be so vile. You will try very hard to stay away from any name calling, especially slinging a word like that.

la la la I am so good he is so bad. How low. This wont get nobody nowhere.

What lindsay1990 said.

[Zahara]

la la la I am so good he is so bad. How low. This wont get nobody nowhere.

What lindsay1990 said.

 

I'm not sure what crawled up your butt and your reason to diminish it when it's perfectly right to refrain from calling someone the degrading C word when you "love" them as the OP's partner declared. It wasn't directed at you and if wasn't of help to you, there was no need to be an ass.

 

"lalala I am so good he is so bad?" I'm sorry that's your take. We don't always have to be profound in our responses but sometimes just reinforcing that the OP is right in feeling the way she feels can be just as beneficial.

 

If the OP doesn't find it helpful, I'll accept that. But I'm not sure why you have a need to be rude.

Edited November 7, 2013 by Zahara

[lindsay1990]

I'm not sure what crawled up your butt and your reason to diminish it when it's perfectly right to refrain from calling someone the degrading C word when you "love" them as the OP's partner declared. It wasn't directed at you and if wasn't of help to you, there was no need to be an ass.

 

"lalala I am so good he is so bad?" I'm sorry that's your take.

 

If anything, if the OP doesn't find it helpful, I'll accept that. But I'm not sure why you have a need to be rude.

 

 

What I meant was that OP should look at herself and the dynamic because it sounds pretty volatile and I believe these things don't just happen. I advise OP to see (1) if she pushes her bf's buttons more than she realizes and aggravates the situation, and (2) why she allows somebody to get her to REACT instead of RESPONDING.

 

Maybe since OP says herself she has a hard time accepting blame, and bf has also said that and she does not deny, I think OP could benefit from that. For this purpose, I emphasize that just because OP doesn't curse or use bad words, doesn't mean her bf doesn't get hurt or deserve an apology too.

 

To some people (like myself) curse words said in a rage slide riiiiight off my back, but other things, like being called irrational (gaslighting?) makes me infinitely more upset. So I'm not suggesting OP is deflecting blame entirely, but just that perhaps she could be more empathetic to her bf. KNOWING that's it's not okay to attack somebody (either actively like name-calling, or passively like withholding affection or stonewalling) but that it's not okay for somebody to attack you either.

 

In my opinion, she is right to back off from her bf if she snaps and calls her names that hurt her. Also, her boyfriend is right to back off as well if he feels unattended and neglected. But the important thing for OP is to realize that it's pointless to wonder if she did right in kicking bf out because the patterns remain. The only thing in HER control are her own behaviours that could benefit from increased self-awareness and accountability, and she can only hope her bf does the same process. Did not mean OP is saying bf is bad, but since she herself she needs to work on her responsibility taking, it's a wise step to encourage.

[Zahara]

Lindsay, my post was not directed at you but to esteem-jam. Your advice is spot on. My post to the OP was just reinforcing that what her partner was doing wasn't right. Agreed the OP isn't a saint but there certainly is an imbalance between the two of them in terms of the toxicity in their individual behaviors.

Edited November 7, 2013 by Zahara

[lindsay1990]

Lindsay, my post was not directed at you but to esteem-jam. Your advice is spot on. My post to the OP was just reinforcing that what her partner was doing wasn't right. Agreed the OP isn't a saint but there certainly is an imbalance between the two of them in terms of their individual behaviors.

 

 

I know, I just quoted yours:)

 

I agree that they have an imbalance. And a huge deal of compatibility is having similar fighting styles, as in agreeing on what is an ultimate "no-no".

 

Calling somebody a Cu.nt is pretty bad, but I suppose that if OP called her bf a similar curse word he wouldn't be too distraught and would easier let go of it. Unless of course he has a double standard which would be a bigger issue altogether, ha

 

I guess what I'm saying is that if OP loves her guy still and is conflicted about saving the relationship, she'll have to accept that it looks like each of them have different views on "what is worse" do to when fighting.

 

It strikes me as that for OP is the name-calling (which I agree is revolting, and dirty strategy because it puts you on the defensive) but for the boyfriend it's the coldness. Myself, for example, would rather be told I'm "being a bitch or a cu.nt" than be told I'm "being stupid or irrational".

 

At the end of the day, if their fighting styles don't match, OP will have to accommodate herself to her bf's feelings and sensitivities during a fight but he should definitely accommodate to hers too.

 

For what it's worth, name-calling is so specific and disrespectful that no one should accommodate to that. When I say OP should be empathetic it's to her boyfriend being more sensitive to her coldness and maybe being more reactive/aggressive-aggressive than passive. But no name-calling for sure. Two wrongs don't make a right, so they should both be better.

[Zahara]

True. At the end of the day though, a healthy relationship shouldn't be about compromising between two toxic ends.

 

I can understand the OP's reaction to being passive and cold. I had an ex that used to name call, stupid, idiot, etc. but when he called me the C word that first time, that was it. I started growing extremely resentful and I think that my nature to retreat and shut myself out was from being defensive and to passively express my rage. I understand where she's coming from. And in that sense, when I did that, it angered him more and he would react to my coldness with more anger and hurtful words. It was just a vicious cycle.

 

But you are right that two wrongs don't make a right. I'm not even sure how much change can happen with someone that is inherently bad tempered though, if OP and partner choose to work things out in terms of working out their approach to one another.

Edited November 7, 2013 by Zahara

[esteem-jam]

I dont think the poster should get back together with the person.

I also dont think its right to use swear words towards your partner (unless you are into BDSM stuff).

 

But name calling happens. And physical abuse (not this case). But it does not just happen in one day. There is stuff that leads to that.

 

What got me, Zahara, was your simplisticated view of the situation.

Suppose you see one guy hit other guy in a bar. By your previous answer, I suppose you would blame the "hitter". Case closed. But what if the "hit" guy insulted other guys girlfriend? What if he spilled other guys drink. What if he parked/blocked the car in other guys place and refused to do anything about it? God forbid you`d be a judge.

[lindsay1990]

 

I can understand the OP's reaction to being passive and cold. I had an ex that used to name call, stupid, idiot, etc. but when he called me the C word that first time, that was it. I started growing extremely resentful and I think that my nature to retreat and shut myself out was from being defensive and to passively express my rage. I understand where she's coming from. And in that sense, when I did that, it angered him more and he would react to my coldness with more anger and hurtful words. It was just a vicious cycle.

.

 

 

This makes me kind of sad, you know why? Because I feel that if we are gaslit or abused enough we might start to believe the bad things someone can say to us. Maybe I did act stupid, maybe I did act irrational, maybe I am always looking to fight, maybe I am combative, maybe I am the one emotionally abusing this person. These are all plausible things in life and if you're broken down, looking for explanations as to why you get blamed or abused, it's too easy to believe them. But when you're called a nasty word you kind of snap out of it, kind of like "Wow. Well, I know it's not okay to call me that, you jerk."

 

I guess that's why I "prefer" to be called a name than to be put-down with non-curse words, you know? It's less...... insidious.

 

Btw, you were the first to reply to my own thread and helped me realized my ex was prone to gaslighting so thanks.

 

EDIT: Typing this I just to realize that MAN is gaslighting a bitch. Seriously, it has somebody saying they'd rather be called a bitch or a cunt than irrational. Way to break the spirit, gaslighters of the world.

Edited November 7, 2013 by lindsay1990

[Zahara]

I dont think the poster should get back together with the person.

I also dont think its right to use swear words towards your partner (unless you are into BDSM stuff).

 

But name calling happens. And physical abuse (not this case). But it does not just happen in one day. There is stuff that leads to that.

 

What got me, Zahara, was your simplisticated view of the situation.

Suppose you see one guy hit other guy in a bar. By your previous answer, I suppose you would blame the "hitter". Case closed. But what if the "hit" guy insulted other guys girlfriend? What if he spilled other guys drink. What if he parked/blocked the car in other guys place and refused to do anything about it? God forbid you`d be a judge.

 

You still didn't have to an ass about it. You could have presented your issues coherently.

 

And I don't condone hitting under any circumstance. So, scratch that hypothetical.

 

If you read my last thread, I was in a similar position as the OP. Don't you judge me because you believe I'm just talking out of my ass. It's one thing to be cold and passive but it is another to be verbally abusive and ill tempered. You can't even understand what it does to a woman when a man degrades her that way.

[Zahara]

This makes me kind of sad, you know why? Because I feel that if we are gaslit or abused enough we might start to believe the bad things someone can say to us. Maybe I did act stupid, maybe I did act irrational, maybe I am always looking to fight, maybe I am combative, maybe I am the one emotionally abusing this person. These are all plausible things in life and if you're broken down, looking for explanations as to why you get blamed or abused, it's too easy to believe them. But when you're called a nasty word you kind of snap out of it, kind of like "Wow. Well, I know it's not okay to call me that, you jerk."

 

I guess that's why I "prefer" to be called a name than to be put-down with non-curse words, you know? It's less...... insidious.

 

Btw, you were the first to reply to my own thread and helped me realized my ex was prone to gaslighting so thanks.

 

EDIT: Typing this I just to realize that MAN is gaslighting a bitch. Seriously, it has somebody saying they'd rather be called a bitch or a cunt than irrational. Way to break the spirit, gaslighters of the world.

 

Name calling is verbal abuse. It will break you down. I remember growing up and my father used to call me stupid and good for nothing. It chipped away at my self-esteem. When that ex called me stupid, idiot, dumbass, it was almost as if I felt I deserved it. But when he called me the C word, it set me off into another orbit. I felt crushed and broken. I would ask myself, "He can't love me if he calls me that, can he?" I even used to think that maybe I did something wrong and deserved it. Yes, gaslighting. I couldn't tell right from wrong because I was conditioned to be verbally abused and to accept it and to believe it was all my wrongdoing.

 

It's damaging to the self-esteem. A name or curse word, no one should tolerate it.

[lindsay1990]

You still didn't have to an ass about it. You could have presented your issues coherently.

 

And I don't condone hitting under any circumstance. So, scratch that hypothetical.

 

If you read my last thread, I was in a similar position as the OP. Don't you judge me because you believe I'm just talking out of my ass. It's one thing to be cold and passive but it is another to be verbally abusive and ill tempered. You can't even understand what it does to a woman when a man degrades her that way.

 

This is where I have to disagree. Being cold and passive (passive-aggressive I mean) is also abusive. Not verbal abuse but emotional abuse yes I believe.

Withholding (affection, communication, ...) and stonewalling (blocking attempts at discussion, being indifferent, ...) are also ways to either diminish the other person's feelings or control them, by either controlling entirely the outcome of the discussion by refusing to engage or making them feel that their feelings don't even deserve a response.

 

As for being passive-aggressive (again, I don't mean just a more passive personality) I find this so covertly abusive that I would consider it borderline gaslighting: "Why are you being like this to me? You've barely spoken a full sentence to me all night?" "Oh my God, I'm just resting. Can't I rest? Now I also have to be talking your ear off otherwise something's wrong? I can't do anything right."

[Zahara]

This is where I have to disagree. Being cold and passive (passive-aggressive I mean) is also abusive. Not verbal abuse but emotional abuse yes I believe.

Withholding (affection, communication, ...) and stonewalling (blocking attempts at discussion, being indifferent, ...) are also ways to either diminish the other person's feelings or control them, by either controlling entirely the outcome of the discussion by refusing to engage or making them feel that their feelings don't even deserve a response.

 

As for being passive-aggressive (again, I don't mean just a more passive personality) I find this so covertly abusive that I would consider it borderline gaslighting: "Why are you being like this to me? You've barely spoken a full sentence to me all night?" "Oh my God, I'm just resting. Can't I rest? Now I also have to be talking your ear off otherwise something's wrong? I can't do anything right."

 

And that is why I noted how I felt in my own relationship with my ex. I am not a passive person by nature but in that relationship I was because I didn't know how to deal with the verbal attacks. Was I that way in other relationships? No. I was able to express myself, deal with conflict in a postive way.

 

I believe the OP stated that her passiveness and coldness would occur when she was verbally attacked by her partner, just as I was. It becomes a defensive tactic. Turning cold would help to "unfeel" the pain. Avoidance. I don't think she is generally a passive person by make, that chooses to stone wall, withhold, turn cold but it's reactionary to how she faces his behavior. I have dated guys that are naturally passive and it's their make, whether the relationship is good or bad, their passiveness is always present. I believe that OP turns passive because that is how she deals with her partners behavior.

Edited November 7, 2013 by Zahara

[Haydn]

A woman who treats me this way? My fault? You can't even understand what it does to a man when a woman degrades him that way.

You still didn't have to an ass about it. You could have presented your issues coherently.

 

And I don't condone hitting under any circumstance. So, scratch that hypothetical.

 

If you read my last thread, I was in a similar position as the OP. Don't you judge me because you believe I'm just talking out of my ass. It's one thing to be cold and passive but it is another to be verbally abusive and ill tempered. You can't even understand what it does to a woman when a man degrades her that way.

[lindsay1990]

A woman who treats me this way? My fault? You can't even understand what it does to a man when a woman degrades him that way.

 

 

In what way do you mean Haydn? The coldness and indifference?

 

 

I think that more than a gender difference it's a matter of fighting styles, and what each individual finds the most hurtful, as I wrote previously.

 

To me, the day after fighting all night that I woke up to find my ex was gone (if only for coffee however GONE) from the apartment was like a slap in the face and I... lost it. I had asked him to let me know if he would leave "for work" as I didn't want to wake up and find him gone, however, in his rationalization since he didn't go to work but for coffee it wasn't the same thing.

 

To me, indifference personally is the way to kill me. I have memories of my ex raging and screaming at me, but I'm not overly traumatized by it. But the images of me crying at his feet and him looking over me stone cold as if I was a ghost?

 

*shudders*

 

Those will haunt me forever and are ultimately the things that made me feel worthless and unloved. No abuse is okay but there is very, very special kind of worthlessness in indifference, that unless someone is sensitive to it, they will never know how others feel about it.

[Haydn]

I agree. This is not having a ago. I know about indifference. I merely wanted to point out that its not always the woman who gets this.

In what way do you mean Haydn? The coldness and indifference?

 

 

I think that more than a gender difference it's a matter of fighting styles, and what each individual finds the most hurtful, as I wrote previously.

 

To me, the day after fighting all night that I woke up to find my ex was gone (if only for coffee however GONE) from the apartment was like a slap in the face and I... lost it. I had asked him to let me know if he would leave "for work" as I didn't want to wake up and find him gone, however, in his rationalization since he didn't go to work but for coffee it wasn't the same thing.

 

To me, indifference personally is the way to kill me. I have memories of my ex raging and screaming at me, but I'm not overly traumatized by it. But the images of me crying at his feet and him looking over me stone cold as if I was a ghost?

 

*shudders*

 

Those will haunt me forever and are ultimately the things that made me feel worthless and unloved. No abuse is okay but there is very, very special kind of worthlessness in indifference, that unless someone is sensitive to it, they will never know how others feel about it.

[Zahara]

A woman who treats me this way? My fault? You can't even understand what it does to a man when a woman degrades him that way.

 

This is my last post on this but if you read her post her coldness and passiveness was stemming from his consistent verbal attacks. The more he did it, the more she retreated. Of course, passive aggressive behavior is a form of abuse but the OP isn't doing it as a form of abuse but as a defensive tactic.

 

I've been with a passive aggressive man, the silent treatment and coldness is a consistent trait. The OP stated that she began to retreat when she was beginning to feel defeated by his verbal abuse. She isn't passive aggressive as in personality disordered but because that was her coping mechanism in dealing with the situation. It wasn't good but in a toxic situation it's sometimes difficult to find the right way to deal with it.

Edited November 8, 2013 by Zahara