argh I think I ruined everything

[drearydream]

My ex broke up with me a few days ago because we haven't seen each other in a while (for a specific reason) and got distant, and also we've been having some problems which broke the camels back.

 

Anyway after the break up I begged for two days, and then decided to go NC. FOR THE PURPOSE OF MAKING HIM MISS ME/REALIZE HE NEEDS ME BACK. **please please please do not give me advice for the purpose of forgetting him and moving on because right now my goal is to make him come back. Obviously if it doesn't work I will move on but at this point I need to try so please respect that and only give advice pertaining to that goal.

 

Two days after I went NC he called me twice, I ignored both. The next day he sent me a bunch of texts asking if I hate him, and then even called me, I ignored everything. Then he sent me a text saying please talk to me one last time and then I'll leave you alone.

 

At this point I called him back because it sounded important.

 

During our conversation, first he talked about how he doesn't want me to hate him because he always wants me to cherish our memories because he will and it would hurt him a lot if I didn't feel the same. he also said he wants to stay friends because if I dropped out of his life it would be hard for him. I basically told him I don't hate him and not to worry.

 

Next he asked me if I'm doing okay with the breakup, and I acted like I was totally okay and he was REALLY surprised and kept asking questions about why I'm suddenly okay with it.

 

Next I brought up an award I got recently and we talked about that and then he talked about some personal problems he was going through and I helped him through that. *I just thought that if we bonded maybe he will feel more connected to me again*

 

After that we hung up and I started thinking I screwed it up because I basically gave him assurance that I don't hate him so now he won't worry anymore.

 

So I called him back and told him I wasn't completely honest about hating him and I don't really see him the same anymore. He said he understands but as long as I remember the good times too he will be happy.

 

THEN I had to ask .. I said since everything went downhill because we were apart, do you think if we started seeing each other more often things could go back to normal? He asked why I'm asking hypotheticals. I said it's not a hypothetical, I'm talking about the future. He said he actually does think things would go back to normal. I asked if he wanted to try. He said he needs some time to think about it. Then we hung up.

 

 

NOW IM WONDERING....Things seemed to have been going good at first when he was begging to talk to me....but now that we had those conversations do you think it ruined it?? Do you think he is even less likely to miss me now?? And if so, what can I do to fix it??

 

The reasons I thought it might be ruined are:

1. maybe back when he thought I hated him, that sadness he felt would have made him more likely to miss me, but now that I told him I don't hate him he won't be as affected. To fix this I thought I could make him think I hate him again.

2. maybe since I gave him that option of getting back together and said he can think about it, he will have the attitude that he still has me .. and won't miss me. To fix this I thought I could tell him I'm starting to see other guys, so that he realizes he might lose me.

 

Can you please reply to each of those (1&2) and tell me if each of them individually are true, because I am really bothered by both and feel like a fool.

 

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you releived his guilt then he gave you just enough to make you wonder and keep you around as an option.

 

Don't try to fix it or manipulate him into any sort of decision. He made this choice all by himself, and the only way you'd ever have a healthy relationship with him in the future is if he comes to that conclusion himself without any pressure. Whatever was wrong with the relationship needs to be corrected while apart by both parties before a second chance could ever work.

 

You need to take care of yourself, work on healing, and work on moving on. If things end up working out, great, we'll be happy for you. If they don't, at least you didn't waste your time and you're already ahead and in the middle of your healing process.

 

Again, manipulating him into changing his mind... a choice that he made completely on his own... is not going to cultivate a relationship that will not suffer the same fate in the future.

[Zahara]

The reasons I thought it might be ruined are:

1. maybe back when he thought I hated him, that sadness he felt would have made him more likely to miss me, but now that I told him I don't hate him he won't be as affected. To fix this I thought I could make him think I hate him again.

2. maybe since I gave him that option of getting back together and said he can think about it, he will have the attitude that he still has me .. and won't miss me. To fix this I thought I could tell him I'm starting to see other guys, so that he realizes he might lose me.

 

1. He wouldn't feel sadness. He would be feeling guilt. If you want to guilt someone into being with you, then chances of it working out is zero because at some point the reasons as to why he left you in the first place will resurface.

 

2. He already knows he has you. He may miss you but not with the emotional intensity enough to make him want to resume a relationship again. You can tell him you are seeing other guys but that would just be childish game playing. The only way he can feel the loss of you is for you to dissappear.

[strive]

because you tried to play mind games, that's why it backfired.

 

sorry that's all I can say. the advice I have is the one you don't want to hear.

[drearydream]

how can I fix it?

I could stop talking to him but I'm not sure how much good that would do because now he has that comfort of knowing I'm sticking around for him. He will not worry while that comfort is still there. I think I need to take that safety net out from under him before going NC again otherwise NC will mean nothing to him, he will think I'm still waiting around.

[Philosoraptor]

You may not be happy with the answer, but it's the truth. If he made the choice to leave on his own, he needs to make that same choice to come back all by himself. You'd be best off starting to heal, grow, and starting the process of moving on. It will give you the best chance at a happy future whether that is with or without him.

 

You needn't tell him you're going NC, he will find that full force when he reaches out and gets no response. Block him on facebook so he can't contact you that way, and so you don't cause more pain by checking up on his life.

[drearydream]

You may not be happy with the answer, but it's the truth. If he made the choice to leave on his own, he needs to make that same choice to come back all by himself. You'd be best off starting to heal, grow, and starting the process of moving on. It will give you the best chance at a happy future whether that is with or without him.

 

You needn't tell him you're going NC, he will find that full force when he reaches out and gets no response. Block him on facebook so he can't contact you that way, and so you don't cause more pain by checking up on his life.

 

okay I know it is true that he has to realize it on his own which is the entire point of me doing this. your feelings completely affect your beliefs and decisions. if someone knows a person is sticking around they are less likely to take them seriously and realize they need them, because they think they have all the time in the world. if someone is scared of losing a person it forces them to consider how important that person is to their life.

 

So I understand that he needs to come back on his own (which is why I'm not calling him trying to convince him to come back). I am letting him come back on his own however I am trying to create the best scenario possible to avoid him getting feelings of comfort/safety net which will HINDER his consideration of my value.

[Zahara]

how can I fix it?

I could stop talking to him but I'm not sure how much good that would do because now he has that comfort of knowing I'm sticking around for him. He will not worry while that comfort is still there. I think I need to take that safety net out from under him before going NC again otherwise NC will mean nothing to him, he will think I'm still waiting around.

 

You don't fix it. It's the responsibility of the dumper to win you back. And the best way to value yourself, is to walk away. He will either feel the loss or he'll keep on moving. Either way, you are focused on healing and moving forward.

[Philosoraptor]

Look, no words will do nearly as much as action will. He will contact you because he feels safe, and that safety net will be ripped out from under him if you suddenly start going NC.

 

Telling him "I'm going NC to take care of myself blah blah" is just going to give him a reason. If you say nothing his mind will be going as wild as yours is, just like when he felt the guilt and had to make sure you didn't hate him. That, or he'll never contact you again and that clearly tells you he has no interest in rekindling your romance.

 

Either way, right now you need to be selfish and just take care of yourself. He needn't know your reasonings for doing anything, as you owe him nothing.

[drearydream]

Look, no words will do nearly as much as action will. He will contact you because he feels safe, and that safety net will be ripped out from under him if you suddenly start going NC.

 

Telling him "I'm going NC to take care of myself blah blah" is just going to give him a reason. If you say nothing his mind will be going as wild as yours is, just like when he felt the guilt and had to make sure you didn't hate him. That, or he'll never contact you again and that clearly tells you he has no interest in rekindling your romance.

 

Either way, right now you need to be selfish and just take care of yourself. He needn't know your reasonings for doing anything, as you owe him nothing.

 

do you really think he will contact me if he feels safe? i am just worried that the safety net will push him further and prevent him from reaching out. the safety net is a powerful thing. even though he broke up with me, at first i kept thinking about him ... but when he acted desperate to talk to me, I felt MORE at peace with the breakup and wanted him back LESS! and that is ALL because of the safety net feeling. Just knowing that he is there prevented me from missing him (even if I did want him back I just didn't feel the urgency). And I am worried the same will happen to him. Since I unfortunately gave him the treacherous safety net, any potential feelings of him missing me might be killed because of it.

[Philosoraptor]

do you really think he will contact me if he feels safe? i am just worried that the safety net will push him further and prevent him from reaching out. the safety net is a powerful thing. even though he broke up with me, at first i kept thinking about him ... but when he acted desperate to talk to me, I felt MORE at peace with the breakup and wanted him back LESS! and that is ALL because of the safety net feeling. Just knowing that he is there prevented me from missing him (even if I did want him back I just didn't feel the urgency). And I am worried the same will happen to him. Since I unfortunately gave him the treacherous safety net, any potential feelings of him missing me might be killed because of it.

He may, he may not. No one here is a fortune teller. If he doesn't, then you'll have your answer. If he does, you'll reenforce that you're not a backup option when you don't respond.

 

And you don't respond back until you see a complete turnaround. "I was thinking about us", "I thought about you earlier", "I miss you"... not good enough. Just ways to lure you into conversation. You see it too often that something little is said to lure the dumpee back then they are cut off once they are reassured that they are there to respond.

[lindsay1990]

There's nothing you could have done or can do NOW to make him come back. it's out of your control, there's no strategy for controlling other people's feelings.

 

so, you can't bring him back but you can definitely annoy him and push him away. This is why you have to go NC and save some face while you still have some. the safety net is a real thing, but I personally believe that when a man loves a woman nothing can keep him away from her and if he doesn't, then nothing can make him stay.

 

If he loves you and comes back, it's not going to be because of some strategy you use now, it will be because of what he knows about you and the pondering and deciding he does now, on his own. Why do i say that NC or any other "strategy" won't work to bring him back? Because if he really wants to break up with you, he'll just be happy it's over between the two of you. He might feel nostalgic, guilty or miss you or sad, but ultimately he will have gotten what he wanted so, the only thing for you to do is to give him what he wants. And that's your absence because he broke up with you.

 

Just my opinion.

[drearydream]

He may, he may not. No one here is a fortune teller. If think sohe doesn't, then you'll have your answer. If he does, you'll reenforce that you're not a backup option when you don't respond.

 

And you don't respond back until you see a complete turnaround. "I was thinking about us", "I thought about you earlier", "I miss you"... not good enough. Just ways to lure you into conversation. You see it too often that something little is said to lure the dumpee back then they are cut off once they are reassured that they are there to respond.

 

If he doesn't reach out isn't it because the safety net stopped him from doing so? i think sometimes a safety net can stop someone from reaching out...

[lindsay1990]

If he doesn't reach out isn't it because the safety net stopped him from doing so? i think sometimes a safety net can stop someone from reaching out...

 

If he doesn't reach out it's because he doesn't want to.

 

Let's say it's because of the safety net, then. You can't remove the safety net now, you can only decide to not feed it and strengthen and let it fade out slowly, with time.

 

I have to insist: You can't remove the safety net. Personally, I think that calling him or somehow letting him know that you actually do hate him, actually don't forgive him or actually don't want to be his friend will just make matters worse.

 

Negative attention is still attention and will feed the safety net. If you want to have any chance at fading away what you said (removing his guilt and giving him safety net) you need something more than words now. And the only thing louder than words is action. And the only thing louder than both of them? SILENCE.

 

Silence is golden. Who knows? Maybe with your prolonged silence, and when he contacts you and you don't respond, he will being to wonder "What if she just said she didn't hate me because she felt sorry for me? Or because she didn't want me bothering her any more? After all, I did tell her that if she heard me out I wouldn't call again so maybe she just played along to get rid of me and that's why I haven't heard from her? I can't believe I fell for that, now what?"

 

Anything's possible.

 

If you don't want to move on yet and you want to use NC as a strategy, then go for it if you feel you must it. But do it like a boss and make it count.

Edited November 7, 2013 by lindsay1990

[Saurren]

Yep you screwed it up by asking him if he wanted to get back together. You could have just not said anything about your relationship at all and naming all the things that were wrong with it.

 

When you want someone back dont treat it like the old relationship because that is the reason why it was broken anyways. Just act like he was a really old friend you havent met in years.

 

Don't ever initiate contact even if you want to get a message across. Conversation should never last longer that 2 minutes over the phone. Texts messages should not be replied on the same day.

 

Go out and take pictures with friends and new guys and post them on your social network. Be ambiguous when you post pictures and message on fb or something. (make sure you guys are still friends on social networks)

 

Perfect plan to get back someone and start a new relationship without bringing all the drama from the past relationship.

[drearydream]

If he doesn't reach out it's because he doesn't want to.

 

Let's say it's because of the safety net, then. You can't remove the safety net now, you can only decide to not feed it and strengthen and let it fade out slowly, with time.

 

I have to insist: You can't remove the safety net. Personally, I think that calling him or somehow letting him know that you actually do hate him, actually don't forgive him or actually don't want to be his friend will just make matters worse.

 

Negative attention is still attention and will feed the safety net. If you want to have any chance at fading away what you said (removing his guilt and giving him safety net) you need something more than words now. And the only thing louder than words is action. And the only thing louder than both of them? SILENCE.

 

Silence is golden. Who knows? Maybe with your prolonged silence, and when he contacts you and you don't respond, he will being to wonder "What if she just said she didn't hate me because she felt sorry for me? Or because she didn't want me bothering her any more? After all, I did tell her that if she heard me out I wouldn't call again so maybe she just played along to get rid of me and that's why I haven't heard from her? I can't believe I fell for that, now what?"

 

Anything's possible.

 

If you don't want to move on yet and you want to use NC as a strategy, then go for it if you feel you must it. But do it like a boss and make it count.

 

 

Thank you lindsey, that was very helpful. I think you're right and I'll go back to silence now.

 

But one more thing, in which situation would the silence be MORE powerful:

 

If he knows im talking to other guys and I am silent

If he doesn't know im talking to other guys and I am silent

[lindsay1990]

Thank you lindsey, that was very helpful. I think you're right and I'll go back to silence now.

 

But one more thing, in which situation would the silence be MORE powerful:

 

If he knows im talking to other guys and I am silent

If he doesn't know im talking to other guys and I am silent

 

 

Which do you think?

 

/enabling

[drearydream]

Which do you think?

 

/enabling

 

Well....I thought the first one (he knows I am talking to other guys)...

[lindsay1990]

The second one.

 

If he knows what he's doing and knows what you're doing, then he knows what everybody's doing and will hold all the cards.

 

And you? You won't know what he's doing and on top of that if/when he doesn't come back you'll be thinking. "i shouldn't have told him I was seeing other guys, he thought I moved on, that's why he didn't come back, I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME, WAAAHHH!".

 

So, stop blaming yourself and put it all on him. This is not in your control anymore. Go silent and don't him knowledge over you, even if it's fake. The strategy is NO CONTACT not MISINFORMATION/FAKE JEALOUSY.

 

Ok, seriously, done enabling. good luck.

[Janesays]

Thank you lindsey, that was very helpful. I think you're right and I'll go back to silence now.

 

But one more thing, in which situation would the silence be MORE powerful:

 

If he knows im talking to other guys and I am silent

If he doesn't know im talking to other guys and I am silent

 

 

Either way, you shouldn't be talking to other guys unless you're serious about giving those other guys a real shot. Remember, those guys are people with emotions and feelings too. Not toys that you use and toss away in your quest to win your boyfriend back.

[ponchsox]

You can't make him come back. It's over. Move on.