teeth Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) Four years ago before my husband and I got married he told me while we were dating he had slept with a girl. I was thankful that he laid everything on the table so that we could start our life together on a clean slate. We had agreed that he would not contact her again. One year into our marriage I found out he had called her for directions. I was very upset. He once again promised me that he would not contact her again. Well three years into our marriage (just last week) he went to her daughters house and had dinner with her and her children. He said they only talked and there was no physical contact. He said that he was curious about her kids since he had known them for years. My big problem is that he hid it from me. I found the message on facebook from the lady's daughter asking him if he wanted to come over and she would cook dinner and have her mom come over. He looked me right in the eye's and lied. When I asked why he told me he wanted to be friends with her and to find out what the kids were up to these days. He said they had a friends with benefit relationship before he met me and now all he wanted was to be friends with her. He let me check his phone which at this point he did not have her number stored in there. He also encouraged me to check the phone records which he had not contacted her in the past years. So why now?? His answer he wanted to be friends with her. I finally told him that there must be something there. He must have feelings for her in his heart or why else would he be even thinking of her? So I told him this "You are a grown man and if you choose to be friends with her I have no problem with that. Just remember I am a grown women and I have choices also. I would choose not to be in your life if your choice is to be her friend." He immediately told me she is a nasty person anyways and not that important to break our marriage apart. I was really confused just 20 min earlier he was telling me how he really wants to be friends with her and now she is a nasty person and he will never contact her again. OMG am I stupid or is there more to this than I am seeing???? Help!!!! Edited November 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and moved to separate thread 1
underwater2010 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I say lay low and keep your eyes wide open. As far as him letting you check his phone, there is a possibility he could have another....might want to check his vehicle while he is sleeping. It could be just what he is saying....but I wouldn't be comfortable with the friendship either.
Snowflower Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I finally told him that there must be something there. He must have feelings for her in his heart or why else would he be even thinking of her? So I told him this "You are a grown man and if you choose to be friends with her I have no problem with that. Just remember I am a grown women and I have choices also. I would choose not to be in your life if your choice is to be her friend." He immediately told me she is a nasty person anyways and not that important to break our marriage apart. I was really confused just 20 min earlier he was telling me how he really wants to be friends with her and now she is a nasty person and he will never contact her again. OMG am I stupid or is there more to this than I am seeing???? Help!!!! First of all, I love what you told him (the bolded part). You showed strength and resolve and didn't get nasty or began pleading with him. You just politely told him that he is free to do as he pleases, you won't control him, but his choice to do that will lead to your choice to not be with him. I love it! I do agree with you that his response was puzzling. Most cheating spouses will not acquiesce that quickly so I'm not sure if he was trying to placate you or realized you weren't going to rise to the bait. How are things between the two of you since then? 1
stillafool Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 You're right it doesn't make sense that they were only FWB and now he wants to be her friend? He goes over to have dinner at her house and he thinks this is appropriate? Red flags are flying everywhere. He definitely still has feelings for her and is trying to throw you off the scent with the "nasty" comment. If she's so "nasty" why eat her food? 2
whatatangledweb Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 There is something there. I don't know if he is cheating with her or just thinking about it . I have seen too many stories where they pick back up after the marriage. I would stick to your guns and tell him any more contact and he is out of the house. There is nothing innocent when he sneaks off to see a woman he had sex with in the past and lies to you.
dichotomy Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) When they (he) are hidding these things - they KNOW its wrong and you would not approve. I did not understand something with him going to exgf kids for dinner- where is her hubsband/girls dad in all this? Is exGF divorced? Your response was along a book I read on Boundaries in Marriage - basically "you choose X - I will choose/respond with Y" Bascially your not "controlling" but laying down boundaries and cause and affect. Well done. oh --and I agree with anthoer poster - he was too quick and sure to hand you his phone. Bet they communicate another way, or maybe some different phone number or name associated with phone number. My wife had ex-OM listed under a business name in her phone address book. Edited November 7, 2013 by dichotomy
cozycottagelg Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 It sounds like the daughter invited him over, and the mother as well. And he claims he wanted to see how the kids were doing. If that is the case, she didn't even have to be there. I don't really have any advice..but I'm sorry he's being like this.
Spark1111 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 My fWS had his OW listed under a man he worked with.....
Spark1111 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 You can go underground to collect more info.....always a good idea. but I am very curious WHY her grown child would just invite HIM to dinner. Does she know he is married? Why not invite BOTH of you to dinner? Very strange....Does he and she claim he is separated to the daughter? Meeting the children is a huge step. How does he know them again? And WHY weren't you at that table? From wanting to be her friend to throwing her under the bus is a HUGE flag. keep quiet and keep digging. 1
Realist3 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Here is my question. Why does he have such a relationship with her daughter to where she would ask him over for dinner? FWB don't have relationships with daughters of the FWB. Just my instincts, but there is way more to this than you know. 2
yellowmaverick Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Here is my question. Why does he have such a relationship with her daughter to where she would ask him over for dinner? FWB don't have relationships with daughters of the FWB. Just my instincts, but there is way more to this than you know. TBH, I was thinking the same thing. I hope we're wrong.
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