beta13 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I have been lurking here for a while now, and have decided to share my story. My H had a short affair. It didn't last long, and when I found out about it, he begged me to forgive him. I wanted to try and keep our M together, so we got counseling. I wnated to know everything I could about the A, and our counselor encouraged me to ask as much as I needed to know. I asked a lot of questions, and I really needed to know who his OW was and see what she looked like. He didn't want me to know, but he was told that if I felt I needed that information, then he needed to share. It turned out to be a woman I knew as kind of an outlier in our social circle. To be blunt, she is well known amongst us as someone who has some emotional problems and who seems to prefer the company of men in committed relationships. Her dramatics have become tiresome for all of us, but she did seem to have some good qualities and we had been willing to overlook that behavior. It ws a mistake. One evening when we were all out as a group, She was flirting with my H right in front of me , but he laughed about it at the time and brushed her off. I remember how upset she was and she was quite rude to me after that when I asked her to stop because it wasn't funny. After I found out that the A had been with her , I couldn't stay with my H. If he could risk our marriage just to sleep with someone like that, I don't think I can really ever respect or trust him again. We have begun the process of getting a separation and eventual divorce. The whole thing has been very painful, so I've started seeing a therapist on my own. While working through what has happened, I have found that I have a lot of questions about affairs and why they happen. We were having plenty of sex that wasn't just of the typical vanilla variety, we seemed to be getting along fine and as from what my H told me, he was happy. If this is the case, then what is it about a woman like her that could turn his head? She does tend to fawn over married men in a way that is almost childlike, maybe he liked that kind of thing? I can see how it could be flattering, but I can't forgive his behavior. I have also been trying to understand why she acts the way she does, which my therapist says is a normal question to have. She's told me that women like that often have really low self esteem and even psychological problems or personality disorders. That's sad, and I guess I should feel sorry for her, but I don't. i went out with my friends the other night, and we had a great time. Neither my ExH or his former OW were invited to come along,and it was nice to not have to put up with her drama. As far as I can tell, we've all had enough of both of them. I don't feel one bit sorry for either of them. I got a sarcastic message yesterday in my inbox from her thanking me for getting out of the way so they can be together, and also some nasty comments about how great the sex had been. It was so pathetic I almost laughed, and probably would have if I hadn't been feeling so sad. He's told me he has no intention of being with her even if we divorce. I hope that being with her was worth it for him. I hope that me being hurt like this was worth it for the both of them.
BetrayedH Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I think most people that engage in an affair have an excessive need for external validation. Getting it from a spouse is not typically much of an ego boost because their spouse is essentially stuck with them. But getting it freely from someone else, well, it's more convincing. Many cheaters have been known to "affair-down" because it's the validation they want and for someone with low self-esteem, they'll take it where they can get it. It's about opportunity. This speaks to something being broken within the wayward moreso than something being wrong at home. He probably never would have chosen to leave his wife; he just wanted "more." As for the OW, this applies even more to her. OW frequently have low self-esteem. It's almost a requirement in order to accept sharing their man. But an affair is a ego-boost to them. "I must really be something if he's willing to risk his life and family for just a few minutes with me." Imagine how much more of an ego-feed it is to be able to steal the man away. 6
Grumpybutfun Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 You are a very strong person, and you will be okay. I don't know why affairs happen because I don't understand the lure of them. Why get married if you are still going to date or have sex, but BetrayedH has had more experience in this area than me, so he probably has great insight. The thing that bothers me the most about your story is that he acted like it was a joke, basically acting like she was beneath him, then participated in this to the detriment of his marriage to you. The OW definitely owns responsibility in this, but it is your H who was committed to you and your marriage, so the blame must be doubly for him. Of course, it wasn't worth all he lost to be with her, but that is something you see often here and in real life....people losing everything and wishing they had a do over. Do you have children together? In support, Grumpy
Spark1111 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 well, now they both have a real dose of reality in having to bear the consequences of their actions. You are separating and moving to divorce him and she will most definitely be excluded from your social group for her antics. Women do not like women who target MM. If a man was constantly flirting with his friends wives, most likely a jealous H would punch him in the nose or never have anything to do with him socially again. Congratulate her and wish them both well. remember living well is the ultimate revenge.
waterwoman Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Garrggghhhh!!!! I so dislike emotional leaches like that. H's OW was a victim-type too. No-one has a life as hard as her, she was so misunderstood I am in the process of detaching myself from a 'friend' who is the same. They suck all your energy and life and give nothing sustaining back to you. Of all the things that infuriate me about H's affair it was that he fell for it hook, line and sinker. She made him feel strong. My fault was that I always seemed to be strong myself - he didn't feel I needed taking care of (I did - we all do at times!). It has taken him 17 months to realise that he was taken for a mug. 3
underwater2010 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Just so you know there are a lot of single women just like her. They lay on the flattery/ego boost thick and have no issue going after ANY man....married or not. I experienced one of these about 6 months after Dday, when my husband came up to my work. He happens to be a really nice guy and decided to help a friend of my friend out by giving her a ride home after she was left behind. He thought it was the right thing to do. (We have talked about this as it is a poor boundary he crossed). Of course he got a message on facebook from her...they were not friends....that she had broke her ankle, gave him her cell number and said they should hang out. It got deleted right away. She showed up at my work the other day, new boyfriend in tow and her eldest daughter. She was being really snotty and asked what my name was. I told her brought her a beer and asked her name....it was pretty sure it was her. She gave me her first name and I asked if xyz was her last name and walked away. When I came back she asked how I knew...I repeated the story looking her dead in the eye. She sputtered and her boyfriend says your husband is a great guy...still looking at her I acknowledged him and repeated that she gave a married guy her number, unprovoked, and asked to him to hang out. They left within 2 minutes, leaving her child with a friend for over an hour and picked her up without coming inside. The basis for this story.....call them out. They don't like it when other people become aware of the sick games. 2
Author beta13 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 I know I may give the impression that deciding to divorce was easy, but it wasn't. We've been married for six years, and I thought that we'd always be together. It's pain to realize that he wasn't the man I thought he was. I don't want this in my life, and I can't be with a man I don't trust. At least we have no kids to worry about. As a group, we've decided that we don't want this to be friends with this woman anymore. We can't trust her, don't need her drama, and we just can't condone her behavior. Yes, men should have better sense than to get involved with her or fall for her tactics, but she should also be a better person and not try to sleep with married men. We don't want to be associated with someone who does. Lesson learned, I guess. 2
crederer Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 She sent a message saying how good the sex was? That is just downright cruel. A few years back my buddy's girl left him for another guy that he knew. They weren't friends but knew eachother. As if the guy wasn't heart broken enough, this douche knob sends him a pic a couple weeks later of his ex sucking his dick in his bed with the pic dated while they were still together and had the caption "I guess I get to have this as much as I want now" or something along those lines. I seriously wanted to go over there and stomp the ever living snot out of this guy. I'm getting all worked up now just thinking about how downright cruel some people can be. I was literally walking out the door to get this guy when my buddy stopped me and said he doesn't care. Let it go. I mean, what was the point of saying that (her, and this guy I'm talking about)? What the hell are these people trying to accomplish with that? 1
BetrayedH Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Some people just need a hug Around the neck With a rope. 10
dichotomy Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 If I may, single OW certainly would be the focus of many emotions and thoughts, but your husband really is the one a fault right and should be the real focus. You were in therapy for a while – what did your husband tell you and therapist was behind his motivation to cheat ? Was he just some low self-esteem guy or dog who took the first opprtunity with a gal who was clear she wanted some fun with him? 1
Author beta13 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 We had several counseling sessions together, both before and after I found out who he had the A with. He was never able to tell me his reasons why. At this point, it doesn't matter that much, at least in regard to him. I would like to understand the psyche of someone who does this purely for my own future bennift. even though the idea of having a future relationship with someone new is not even on my radar, I do want to protect myself and maybe recognize the warnings signs. 2
Author beta13 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 She sent a message saying how good the sex was? That is just downright cruel. A few years back my buddy's girl left him for another guy that he knew. They weren't friends but knew eachother. As if the guy wasn't heart broken enough, this douche knob sends him a pic a couple weeks later of his ex sucking his dick in his bed with the pic dated while they were still together and had the caption "I guess I get to have this as much as I want now" or something along those lines. I seriously wanted to go over there and stomp the ever living snot out of this guy. I'm getting all worked up now just thinking about how downright cruel some people can be. I was literally walking out the door to get this guy when my buddy stopped me and said he doesn't care. Let it go. I mean, what was the point of saying that (her, and this guy I'm talking about)? What the hell are these people trying to accomplish with that? There is something very humiliating about him choosing to be with her. Given her past behavior, I guess she thought that he could sleep with her and I'd never find out because she seems to be happy being a side dish. Why she chose to rub it in my face, I'll never know. If she wants him, she can have him, and in a few years, she'll probably find herself right where I am right now. That will be my revenge. 1
RightThere Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 There is something very humiliating about him choosing to be with her. Given her past behavior, I guess she thought that he could sleep with her and I'd never find out because she seems to be happy being a side dish. Don't concern yourself with the "why". People always cheat down. Sometimes waaaaaaaay down. He didn't cheat with her because she is better than you. He cheated with her because they both have low self esteem and thought the affair might help each other out. But it only makes them worse off. They just don't know it yet. 1
Author beta13 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 Don't concern yourself with the "why". People always cheat down. Sometimes waaaaaaaay down. He didn't cheat with her because she is better than you. He cheated with her because they both have low self esteem and thought the affair might help each other out. But it only makes them worse off. They just don't know it yet. Intellectually, I came up with this same conclusion. Emotionally, it's a different matter, I still feel really small and like there is something wrong with me that he could do this. My best reason as to "why" they got together is that they both wanted easy sex, and this was a way to get it. She may have thought that she was getting in a jab at me with her message, If she knew how quick he was to immediately end things with her to be with me and fight for our marriage, it would make her head spin. It would be like a slap in the face. I don't know if they are together now, but if they are, it's only because I don't want him. His problem is that I wasn't willing to put up that same fight. It was a case of too little, too late. I'm just glad I found out before he passed along a std to me. I've been tested, and so far, so good. Unfortunately, we did have sex a few times before I found out about his A, and I feel like I've been put at a real risk, Given her promiscuous behavior, and the fact that I can't trust him when he says thy used protection, I'm still worried.
RightThere Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Intellectually, I came up with this same conclusion. Emotionally, it's a different matter, I still feel really small and like there is something wrong with me that he could do this. My best reason as to "why" they got together is that they both wanted easy sex, and this was a way to get it. Now I won't say you are totally blameless in terms of the breakdown of your marriage, but he still made a choice. There was something he wanted (be it sex) and did not communicate well enough with you to make you understand how important it was and give you a real chance to fix it. I felt small and inadequate as well. Especially when they cheat so far down you think "Really? You could have done so much better." But it's not as much about the "who" as it is about "what" they thought they were getting (the attention from a loser, the cheap sex, the thrills). His problem is that I wasn't willing to put up that same fight. I got the same load of crap from my STBXW. These other idiots fought for her more, so it's my fault she ended up there. They want you to do all the hard work (fight) but they took the easy road because someone else showed them attention. They are weak. And you are strong. They chose to "live in the moment" without any thought of the consequences. And now that the consequences are here, they turtle up because it's too hard again. 1
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