imjustagirl215 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Hey, I'm new to this forum but wondered if anybody can help I met a great guy 3 months ago, and i'm not lying and being rose tinted, he is great. We quickly got serious which is unlike me, and I'm in my late 20's and a professional so not a teenager. However, he got somebody pregnant 9 months ago. I knew before we met as we have mutual friends, and over the time I got used to the idea, we were solid and dealing with everything as a team. The mother made a comment over a heated text that he'd not see his son if he moved on, well actually she said the new girl would never see his son and he'd miss him. fair enough she was hormonal. and she doesn't know i exist. Anyway, fast forward a few months and the son was born a week ago. he expected to not be invlved yet and together we would fight, instead the woman has turned out to be relatively okay. involving him and letting him see his son each day and be supportive. I'm happy for them. BUT, the flippant comment is obviously on his mind. I knew I'd give him space to get his head together and such, but I wasn't expecting him to fall a part and say seeing me is cheating on his son, he's too confused and feels being with me is morally wrong and he can't do it, and that if she finds out about me he wont be able to see his son so easily. However he can call me each night and cry that he loves me and wants it to feel right again but doesn't know how. So last night we talked about work and silly things and hugged and he was exhausted, so i told him i was serious about giving him space and could he didn't have to call me each night and that we'd do something next week and that i wasn't going anywhere. So am I right to give space, am I foolish to stick around? I truly want to and think i can make him happy, I was the one who'se shoulder he cried on when preparing for the birth, even the morning of the birth and he communicated with me throughout (one of the hardest hings i've had to hear when you wish it was you having the child and not her but still) him and her won't be getting back, there's no real love lost there, it was a fling with consequences, and she's much older with other children. but how to give space without pushing him out, and how to not put pressure on him is tough. argh
Mrlonelyone Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Move on. He is going to intensely bond with his child and the mother. As harsh as this will sound, a man doesn't just get someone pregnant, then get over her in a few months. The situation sounds like a train wreck about to happen. He is about to engage in baby mama drama. 1
Balzac Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Sounds as if he has established paternity by putting his name on the birth certificate. Next step is to establish child support and visitation. Surely you and he have discussed this process. He has legal rights for access to his child.
crederer Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Are you sure he's not still seeing this woman? Sounds like he's feeling guilty about something.
Author imjustagirl215 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 positive they're not together. they never really were, they tried to make it work but she's 11 yrs older and a nightmare, her own brother warned him to stay clear. other kids to diff men, you know the deal. he feels guilty thinking he's cheating on his son by thinking about me. and i guess there must be a horrid feeling of failing him by not being there everyday. i cant begin to imagine how cruel it feels to know you'll never be the traditional family he always dreamt of
emva07 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 This lady sounds like she will deff be baby mama drama. If she had to tell him that if he moved on he would not see his child again is because there was something between them that he is "moving on" from. Whether he is over her or not, she is not, and she will make his life a living hell, using the child as a weapon to get what she wants. Whatever their relationship was/is....he is far more invested in his child than he is in either you or her. His child comes first now....and if that means not having you in his life, sounds like he will chose the second option. Sounds like he wants to be the best father possible, and feels that a relationship, at least for the time being, is a compromise to him being able to do this. I understand how you feel, but at the same time, a child is much more important than a relationship, especially one that happened soon after the conception of the baby and has not been a very long one. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 You are not foolish because the heart wants what the heart wants. Unfortunately, he has made a choice & that choice is his son. You can't expect him to be the same as he was before he was a father. As much as you like him. for reasons having nothing to do with you, he's no longer available to date you. Move on. 1
vanek26 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I think I can give you some advice, because I'm basically in the EXACT same situation on the other side. I'm the guy with the baby. I had a one night stand a year ago that led to an unexpected pregnancy. The baby mama found a boyfriend halfway into her pregnancy and promptly blocked my number / facebook and attempted to start her own fairy tale family with her new bf. Much like your man, I was never actually with the baby mama. I simply wanted to be there and be a father for my child. Over the Summer I dated quite a bit and really didn't have a problem with it. It seems selfish, but it's a lot easier when the baby isn't born yet. Things changed once I saw pictures of that baby though. My entire focus has shifted to doing whatever I can to secure time to bond with my daughter. As far as dating, that's a distant afterthought. I would not enter into a relationship right now because I know it would threaten my chances to have access to my daughter. Let's be real here, women are very protective of newborns. I would be shocked if any woman was okay handing off their young infant to a 'dad' who has a girlfriend. They would feel as though there was some sort of competition. I know it isn't right or fair. In my case, baby mama's boyfriend is referred to as 'daddy' on social media sites and it makes me sick to my stomach. But in these circumstances, women hold 99% of the cards and men must just try to walk the tightrope and appease them. So, your bf definitely needs space and you're doing the right thing by giving it to him. It is probably in your best interest to detach yourself as well. Some day he's going to get this all established and settled and he will be able to date again (as will I) but it's not fair to you to wait around for that day. As great as he seems from these three months, you could certainly find an equally good guy without the baby drama while he sorts this out.
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