hkh8871 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 So for a little backstory- i have been dating this guy for ~10 months. we are long distance (he is in USA i'm in Europe studying to be a doctor and he has a full time job where he works 50/60 hours a week). we are together 6 months out of the year in total (3 months over summer and winter I'm in the usa and usually in-between he comes to visit me for 10 days when he can get off work). in the beginning our relationship was amazing- really sweet guy and nice and the last month i was in america we were having huge issues- he wanted to be with his friends more, didnt want to always come see me since i live an hour away by car when we are both in the usa...we fought every weekend for 5 weekends and as a crescendo he didn't take me to the airport or see me before i left back to europe because of a fight- which he later profusely apologized for and felt terrible about. he came to visit me last week (so about 3 weeks after this whole debacle) and we barely spoke in the weeks before his visit cause i was SO upset at him and so cold that I rarely messaged him or contacted him except with one word answers when he contacted me. while he was here i couldn't help myself and snooped- saw a conversation where he talks about his ex to his friend for a bit. well in that conversation his friend tells him that he should text his ex as a congratulations for getting into law school and that she likes knowing he still cares…to which my boyfriend replied i don’t want to text her while her boyfriend (his previous best friend) is still in the picture and that she had texted him earlier that day and his friend said oh well she asks me about your girlfriend (me) sometimes and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies “next time you should say ‘you guys should get back together’” and his friend responds with “will do” and then the conversation just went a different way!! he dated this girl for 3 years in college and was supposedly a terrible boyfriend to her but he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn’t work…then another part of the conversation was him asking his friend (same friend) to bring girls with him and his friend said he only knows girls x,y and z (which are coincidentally my friends) and then my boyfriend responds with “aka those are the only girls my gf knows in this whole city” to which his friend replies with “ohhh ok”………………this all happened about the middle of october when we never spoke so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't bring it up and just kept moving forward. the entire time he was here he was so affectionate and sweet and holding me and kissing me. At nightwhile i am sleeping i feel him kiss my cheek and stroke my hair. And he still speaks of the future and what we will do next time we see each other. When he left back to the USA I cried like I usually do and he wiped away my tears and held me and kissed me and said that its only 6 weeks til we see each other and that he had fun with me here. I'm hoping our communication will get better now that we both have let go of a lot of resentment and are happier to be in this relationship together. He still hasn't said I love you after 10 months which is a bit strange and worrisome. He also was great at communicating the first few days but now it has dropped off again- he doesn't respond to my good morning or good night texts- only if i ask a question. He has a VERY stressful job tha tis going through the busiest time of the year now but still....i don't know what to do My biggest fear is that I am convincing myself of the worst in a way to protect myself. In my past relationships I have been hurt and cheated on and just treated horribly and I was so invested in these relationships and I put these men on such a pedastool that I feel as though my entire relationship with my SO now has been me constantly trying to convince myself that the bad is just around the corner, to not hold on too tightly or be too invested or to put him on a pedastool. That all these problems that I come up with are just in my head and in reality he is a good boyfriend- not the best type of movie boyfriend but a stable, committed nice guy. My friend had told me that was the case because he does do everything for me- he sacrifices other trips to take the trip to see me, he takes me out, he kisses me and holds my hand and talks of the future together. But it’s the things like the communication (yes he is incredibly busy at work and there is a 6 hour time difference and he is very stressed out- he has a severe case of ADD and takes a lot of adderall for it), and that he hasn’t said he loves me yet that make me second guess everything.
ThisGal Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) My long (lol) responses to you are in BOLD. we fought every weekend for 5 weekends and as a crescendo he didn't take me to the airport or see me before i left back to europe because of a fight- which he later profusely apologized for and felt terrible about. That was incredibly rude of him. No matter how bad the fight was he shouldn't have ignored you. I would be very upset. However, he apologized so let go of this. ...and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies “next time you should say ‘you guys should get back together’” and his friend responds with “will do” and then the conversation just went a different way!! he dated this girl for 3 years in college and was supposedly a terrible boyfriend to her but he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn’t work. You have made other threads about the very same topic lol. Geez. Anyway, him telling his friend to say "you guys should get back together" is very telling. It shows that he still has feelings for his ex and if she was willing to get back in his life he may gladly take her back with open arms. Keep in mind though, just because we are with someone new/in a new relationship does not mean we will forget about someone we dated and cared about. I mean, he was with the woman for 3 years, she's not going to be wiped out his memory, they had a past, just as you had a past with your exes. It does not poof & disappear because we want them to. However, the feelings he has for his ex shouldn't be there and if he's truly content in his relationship with you he shouldn't be telling his friend to tell her that. It's concerning. I would feel uncomfortable knowing this. Can't fully trust someone like that. He still hasn't said I love you after 10 months which is a bit strange and worrisome. He also was great at communicating the first few days but now it has dropped off again- he doesn't respond to my good morning or good night texts- only if i ask a question. He has a VERY stressful job tha tis going through the busiest time of the year now but still....i don't know what to do There really isn't a certain time-frame as to when someone should say the 3 words. It's whenever that person feels ready to say I love you. Because you're ready to say it does not mean he is. Does not mean he doesn't feel it. My b/f said it to me exactly 6 months into dating. His actions already said he loved me, but his words confirmed it. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. But I can understand your concern, however, give it a little more time. It's been 10 months. As for communicating, a drop in communication is a telltale sign that something is off. When you're very interested in someone you want to communicate, even if it's very brief. You want that person to know hey, I care about you and I am thinking of you. But not replying to your text message at all says a lot. Seriously how long does it take to type GM and GN?? Less than a minute. If he's slacking then cut communication off and let him initiate contact. That will let you see how often or how infrequently he contacts you. Don't be so giving of yourself and of your time when he's not reciprocating, um no, it's a 2 way-street here. If he's more lovey-dovey in person, during these visits and not really too communicative when you're not together/distant then he needs to change that and make an effort for you. I don't care how busy he is, how many hours he works, you're busy with school too, and you still make time for him. Even the president makes time to hit a few golf balls. If you've already brought your issues up to him and he still hasn't made an effort to change then he simply does not care enough. at I am convincing myself of the worst in a way to protect myself. In my past relationships I have been hurt and cheated on and just treated horribly and I was so invested in these relationships and I put these men on such a pedastool that I feel as though my entire relationship with my SO now has been me constantly trying to convince myself that the bad is just around the corner, to not hold on too tightly or be too invested or to put him on a pedastool. I so understand where you are coming from. Seriously. I have been in a few unpleasant relationships in the past and I used to just wait for the inevitable to happen...a fallout in the relationship. I learned not to do that, because negative thoughts will foster negative outcomes. Ever heard the saying 'positive and negative thoughts can become self-fulfilling prophecies.' Think positive of your relationship, and especially of yourself because you believe you are deserving of a great relationship, because you're a great woman that has a lot to offer and any man should be happy to have you in their life. You're not an inconvenience, you're an awesome addition to his life. Don't put anyone on a pedestal, no human being will ever deserve that spot because we all have faults, only God should be on a pedestal. I know sometimes we women can overcompensate...if I do this for him, if I give him this, if I...blah, blah, blah, but it will not help. Just be yourself. You're more than enough. If your boyfriend is making you second-guess the relationship then have an adult, mature talk with him. Communication is everything, especially in a long distance relationship. Don't think it's all in your head. No, trust your instincts; but also know when you're being paranoid due to past hurt. If you are able to share your body, you should be able to share your most intimate thoughts with the man you love. You will be OK. Take things one day at a time. Be realistic. Don't look to Hollywood or the 'movies' to define what romance should look like, it's not real. Let your b/f prove to you that he is committed to the relationship and that he can be trusted. ALSO, don't swell on the negatives either. Think of the positive attributes your boyfriend has. How he makes you feel, how he treats you, how he strokes your hair and kisses your forehead and makes you feel loved. I wish you two the very best. Keep us posted. Take care! Edited November 7, 2013 by ThisGal
keithkat Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I think he has to clear things up within him regarding his ex. In my opinion, he hasn't completely let go of her yet. Also, he must not take your texts for granted. He should care to reply. I think you are confused because he seems to be good enough but at the same time there are some issues with him which just cannot make you relax. Maybe you should take the time to think about these issues and be honest with yourself if you feel you want to be in a relationship with these issues, and confront him and try to make things work, or just get out of the whole thing.
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