Dealing with his ex wife

[Charlie8813]

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now. He has a 2.5 year old daughter with his ex wife, so naturally they have some sort of relationship. When it comes to their relationship I am totally supportive of them cops renting and remaining civil.. But it goes further than that.

 

He is the one who initiated the divorce and she still has feelings for him. I should be clear that this truly isn't a jealousy issue.. It's a lack of respect (perhaps partially my fault).

 

When she found out about me she demanded that I not be around their daughter (who I absolutely love and would do anything for). Trying to keep the peace, my boyfriend set up a therapy session for the two of them to get some advice. Of course, the therapist said there was nothing wrong with having me around. I am more than willing to meet her so that she may feel more comfortable her daughter being around me but she's not interested. I am in NO way trying to play mom or step on any toes what so ever.

 

The holidays are coming up and she expects the three of them to spend them together as a family. I wouldn't have a problem with this if I were included, but I'm not. Am I wrong in asking that he gets his daughter half of the day and she gets her the other half? I don't at all want to get in between a family, that's not my intention. I also want what's best for their daughter. My immediate thoughts are that she's so young that she barely has a concept of family, and certainly no memory of her parents ever being together.

 

Is it best for the child to spend the holidays with her mom and dad together, and without me? Is there any alternative? I don't want to be selfish, but if I'm honest with myself I'm not okay with spending the holidays alone while my boyfriend plays "family."

 

I need help putting some boundaries into place. I'm constantly burying frustration when she calls or texts (ALL the time). If she has an emotional issue, she cries to him. I feel like he is constantly tip toeing around her feelings and in the meantime mine are being hurt.

 

Their relationship is still very messy. They own a business together so they share a bank account (which my boyfriend occasionally uses for personal things). They have no custody agreement (I know. INSANE.). Their goal is to avoid the bad things that can come with divorce and protect their daughter, which I respect. But they're divorced. Is it detrimental to their daughter if they act like two people who are no longer together? I'm not suggesting that they are anything but friendly with each other, but that can be done leading separate lives.

 

A big part of me feels bad for this woman. She has pretty serious mental issues and plays the victim. She also put on over 200lbs. I understand that this must be difficult. My boyfriend also feels bad for her, which is, in my opinion, a big factor in why he won't set some clear boundaries with her. I know it's hard for her, but these are HER issues, right?

 

Has anyone been in the same situation? How did you handle it? Every time my boyfriend and I try to talk about this it ends up being a fight. I don't want to fight. Please help!

[Phantom888]

You need to make sure if your BF is actually fully divorced. No custody agreement? This can get really messy. Is he paying alimony and child support? You have to consider all these things when dating a divorced parent.

 

No it is not appropriate for divorced people to spend holidays together as a family. They both attend graduation or birthday parties, but not as a family. Divorce is complete separation except for the child. If your BF insists on spending holidays without you, then he is not ready to move on.

[Yookie]

I agree with the above poster. Your boyfriend has not fully moved on from that relationship and there is nothing you can do about it if he is willing to let the ex-wife continue to dictate what he can and cannot do in his life.

 

She's using the child and the business account to keep him on strings and he's allowing it by not setting up clear boundaries and getting a clear separation from her financially and otherwise.

 

He apparently has no problem with the way things are and you are not important enough to him to make a change so you have to decide if you want to put up with this or simply move on.

[FitChick]

There is no harm in him spending a few hours at Christmas with his daughter at the mother's house. He can arrive with presents for her and watch her open them. Then play with her if he got her any toys or help her assemble them for her. Then leave and spend the rest of the day with you.

 

Doesn't the ex wife have a family? She should be spending the holidays with them so the daughter can get closer to grandma and grandpa.

 

If none of this works for your boyfriend, I'd plan a trip out of town, like maybe to a ski resort if you ski or the Caribbean if you want to escape the cold. Don't tell him you are going. Just go and maybe send him a selfie of you on the slopes or beach with "Hope you are enjoying your holiday! Can't wait to see you when I get back!" He will be miserable.

[Charlie8813]

Oh my blood is boiling!

 

Phantom-- thank you so much for the response. Coincidentally, I got on my computer last night and apparently he had used it earlier to check his email and left his account up. I've never been one to snoop but I couldn't resist.

 

I opened an email from his "ex wife" and it was a picture of her holding some business receipt, I guess to show that a bill had been paid. Part of her hand was in the picture and guess what was on it? A WEDDING RING.

 

Unbelievable!

 

I'm going to the county clerk today to get a copy of their divorce decree. I'm assuming there isn't one because he's still married.

 

Any recommendations on what to say when I break up with him? I don't want to seem crazy. I'm sure he will try and spin it and get angry that I was snooping.

[Saurren]

If he lied to you about the divorce RUN!!!!

 

Don't walk or even say goodbye.

[pteromom]

Am I wrong in asking that he gets his daughter half of the day and she gets her the other half?

 

Yes, you are wrong. Their custody issues are between them.

 

Now, you aren't wrong in expecting him to put effort into your relationship for the holidays as well.

 

But those are two separate issues.

 

I need help putting some boundaries into place. I'm constantly burying frustration when she calls or texts (ALL the time). If she has an emotional issue, she cries to him. I feel like he is constantly tip toeing around her feelings and in the meantime mine are being hurt.

 

You have to leave her out of it. It is on HIM to set boundaries about when/how often she calls or texts, or how often they see each other. If he's not willing to do that, you are left without much choice in the matter.

 

Their relationship is still very messy. They own a business together so they share a bank account (which my boyfriend occasionally uses for personal things). They have no custody agreement (I know. INSANE.). Their goal is to avoid the bad things that can come with divorce and protect their daughter, which I respect. But they're divorced. Is it detrimental to their daughter if they act like two people who are no longer together? I'm not suggesting that they are anything but friendly with each other, but that can be done leading separate lives.

 

I don't think it would be that bad for them to be friends and do things together as a family even though they are divorced. But if he also chooses to be in a relationship, he has to consider that relationship as well. And he has to be willing to stand up for his relationship with you.

 

My boyfriend also feels bad for her, which is, in my opinion, a big factor in why he won't set some clear boundaries with her.

 

Then you are left with no choice to accept this strange relationship of theirs, or not.

[RonaldS]

I'm divorced and don't have a custody arrangement.

[Balzac]

Married persons don't wear the ring / divorced persons do.

 

There is value in obtaining the decree but at some point you either make peace with this or walk away.

[Charlie8813]

Walking out of the district clerks office now. No divorce decree, big surprise.

 

I have asked him point blank before if he was divorced and he said yes (and acted like I was crazy for asking).

 

I'm not going to be some doormat who just looks past something like lying about being married.. I'm not that pathetic.

 

I think I'll take the advice above and "run!"

 

I'm a little stunned at this point.. He's introduced me to his entire family! Ugh, I feel like a complete idiot.

[d0nnivain]

My EX BF had a son with his Ex-wife. She was a piece of work, let me tell you.

 

 

throughout the whole thing when he asked me what he should do, I always said: be generous with your son & fair to your EX wife.

 

 

Although they had been apart for 4 years when he & I started dating, they were not yet divorced. He initially gave me a bunch of BS about why they weren't moving forward with the divorce. After a few weeks I said, I don't care if you don't get divorced; that's your business & your decision but I don't date married men so I'm outta here if the complaint for divorce isn't filed shortly. It was.

 

 

Later he lied to me & said the divorce had been granted. It wasn't because the court's calendar was too full. (Another lawyer told me that so it wasn't just my EX making up the reason for why not) I had been asking for a copy of the divorce decree b/c my EX had asked me to help him file for an annulment. When I didn't get it after asking for several months, I went to the county clerk which is how I found out he lied & wasn't divorced. If he had come home from court the day he supposedly got divorced & said there had been a problem, I wouldn't have been upset (disappointed but not mad at him). The fact that he lied about something so important that was sooooo easy to check ended the relationship for me the second I found out.

 

 

That night when I saw him, in a very calm quiet voice I said I found out you lied to me about the divorce. I can't trust you. I don't like you and this relationship is over. He knew better than to even try to make me change my mind.

 

 

Be firm when you tell him goodbye.