I think I spoke too soon

[momo81]

Hi all

Feel a bit immature about this, but just wanting to put my feelers out.

 

It has been a week since my ex and I broke up. We had been going out for 17 months. I am now 32 and he is 26. In the month of October, I was given the chance to travel to visit my friend in South America, before she moved back home. My boyfriend (at the time), was unable to join me due to work commitments and lack of funds. He was happy for me to go.

 

Leading up to my departure and maybe for a couple of months, we had been fighting, and they had increasingly become worse. We love/d each other and wanted to travel together once he finished his registration for his job (1-2 years), no definite time on it. I wasn't too fussed about marriage and kids (infact this scared me) but was just plodding along and thought if it happens it happens.

 

While I was on my holiday, i "found myself" as some say. I went to places where it made me realise what I wanted in life and yes that was to be married and to have children. I wanted to go back and do volunteer work as well. I let my boyfriend know my ideas while I was away, we kept in contact everyday. He said he noticed that I was "changing". Was he invited in my plans? I said "yes, of course". He said that I was probably just on holiday mode. We said we would talk more when I arrived back. I found myself slowly disconnecting myself from him over the days and on my arrival back home, we had "the talk". I told him what I wanted, that I wanted to be married and have children. He said that he loves me and wants marriage, but wants to live with me first before he decides if he wants to marry me. I said that I had never lived with any previous boyfriends before and ideally would like some commitment if living together would be considered. I added that neither of us should give up our beliefs or values as that could lead to resentment. He said that it would be a while if he does decide to marry me as he needs to travel, work overseas and save so couldn't tell me how long before any proposal.

 

We continued to talk about how things were prior to me going away. Our fighting, the decrease in our sex life..... things that we said we would work on, but we never actually did.

 

On my arrival, I was scared of slipping back into the same old routine, and wanted things to improve. I spoke very fast and we decided that it would be good to go our own ways.

 

On Monday we spoke and I told him i didn't mean to play games, but that I was very very confused. At this point, I could hear anger in his voice. He still stuck to his guns about living with me. He added, "his friends would think he was a joke if he married someone before living with them". I said "i don't care how people think I do things". He said he was still confused he loves me and misses me and we agreed on no contact for a month.

 

Now, heres where FB gets involved. I looked at his page this morning, and he has removed our relationship status. He's done it so that it doesn't draw attention to us. Our friends are devastated and won't stop calling me. It's got to the point i'm not answering my phone now.

 

I need to fufill this NC stage and see how my feelings are after a month. I'm worried i have stuffed up, spoke too soon, and lost the man that I have actually loved differently to my last two boyfriends. I wish he could see that it doesn't matter what his friends do or say or think.

 

If he still says he doesn't know about anything, then it is best that I just say goodbye while it is stilll peaceful? He's young enough.. time is creeping up on me fast I don't know how to take back what I said, but I can't really do anything if its decided that he's not ready for the full commitment right? If it just comes down to living together, then, need to decide if I can forfeit my beliefs to be with him.

 

Thank you for reading this loooong post.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Please explain your "values." A little confused here. So...it's ok to have sex before marriage but living together is not? Please explain.

 

I think his offer for you two to move in together before considering marriage is not only reasonable but wise. You don't really know the true compatibility between two people until they live together. Living habits, daily communication, compromise...

 

As a 32yo woman myself, I would want to know as much as I can about my future mate, including how we interact while living together, before considering a marriage...but that's just me.

[momo81]

I agree with you seekingpeaceand love. I don't think it is unreasonable to do what he feels is right for him to do. I just have been bought up "traditional" I guess. I feel there is so much pressure out there to move in and "see" how it goes. I know plenty of people who have lived together and gotten married, lived together and not gotten married, not lived together and gotten married and not lived together and not gotten married. It all falls onto what the people themselves want. To be honest, I'm scared. At 32 years old, I find being scared to be embarrassing.

 

A lot of whatifs..... what if we move intogether and 3 years down the track he doesn't want marriage what if we we move in together and we do, what if what if what if. I need a slap I know. Moving in and NOT knowing whether or not what he wants scares me. His sister didn't live with her boyfriend, his parents didn't, it worked for them.

 

I asked him why he wants to move in and he said his friends will think he is a joke if he doesn't, now to him thats a substantial reason.

 

The dilemma is, do i just take a leap of faith and go against what I have believed in. I know I can only answer this. Consensus is to live with him.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I think the "friends will think he is a joke," is a secondary concern. I think he's just as fearful as you in regards to what the future will hold and his solution and compromise to your request for commitment is to live together first. Yes, living together is indeed a commitment. Sounds like he's not ready for marriage just yet but he is committed to you.

 

I think most people in this day and age will agree that living together before marriage is a smart decision. It may not be necessary for you but it's obviously necessary for your man.

 

Take the leap! Relationships are a gamble. Don't let fear hold you back. Either you try and it works/doesn't work...or don't try and always wonder what if...

Edited November 8, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove

[momo81]

Thank you seekingpeaceinlove. Your words actually made me see what he has been trying to tell me. I feel like a fool. After days of thinking I now realise I'm happy to let go of how I thought I wanted to do things and try it his way. But, of course, I spoke too soon, because we parted. He has asked to meet up for lunch in two weeks time.... Do I broach the subject then? Saying I made a mistake, spoke too soon etc??

[Janni]

Thank you seekingpeaceinlove. Your words actually made me see what he has been trying to tell me. I feel like a fool. After days of thinking I now realise I'm happy to let go of how I thought I wanted to do things and try it his way. But, of course, I spoke too soon, because we parted. He has asked to meet up for lunch in two weeks time.... Do I broach the subject then? Saying I made a mistake, spoke too soon etc??

 

I definitely think you could do that. Wasnt it to point of this whole thing? To see if you changed your minds, changed your feelings or stuck with how it was? And you've realized how his suggestion might be a good idea - Then tell him! Tell him about your concerns and why not try living together? You could always move out again.

[xUnknown]

I agree with everything above in regards to the moving in. In regards to the facebook - don't take it personally. My ex wanted a break for her to sort her things out (essentially what you two are on). She said " I don't plan on chaning my fb relationship status because I don't think people should know"...essentially she didn't want people confronting her asking whats going on (whats going on with you). I almost went ahead and changed it myself. We weren't together (like you two on your NC - you're separated....) there's no reason for FB to reflect that you two are together when youre not. I hate facebook. Its not real life and everyone takes it so seriously...

[seekingpeaceinlove]

If you really want to give this a true shot and want a future with him then you must tell him when you see him again. Don't let fear or pride stand in the way. He may or may not feel the same way but if you want him... you must try.

 

You did bring up other issues with your relationship in your original post such as fighting, decreased intimacy, etc....reflect on those issues as well and determine if you're willing to put in the work to improve the relationship. If so, then tell him all this and the both of you can discuss it and work towards the future together.

 

I hope it all works out for you. Keep us updated and let us know how it goes.

[momo81]

Thank you everyone for your replies. You are all helping :-) thank you xUnknown for ur reply re Facebook.

 

Now no contact was going well, he then started texting me last week keeping me up to date with things he was up to re work n his recovery from minor plastic surgery. I didn't push anything just asked if he was recovering ok etc and to take care. Over the weekend he sends a picture of himself asking whet I thought of him with his new spectacles. I asked if it was intended for me? Yes, I want your opinion was the reply. Ok... Perplexed? Yes.

 

I took this initiating contact with me as it would be ok for me to MSG him. So two nights okay i asked him how his day was. He replied "do you miss me?" This threw me...

 

I replied "yes". He said "well I miss you sometimes too, but I just don't think we are not going to work, you made ur mind up, are you still confused?" I replied that I was sorry, but I made a mistake and I regret speaking too fast and on emotion and it's the consequences I have to live with." He asked if I made a mistake breaking things off. I felt I had to reply honestly and said yes. He wrote back saying he didn't expect that. He thinks I should go

And finish my travel/find myself etc and maybe in a while we can start over that he wants to come travelling at the end of the year but can't due to work.

 

I said that it would be nice to do these things together. He said to lay off the "we" talk for a bit. And then said that "we need to stop communicating until we see each other in two weeks, that he needs to clear his head and have space" I didn't even bother getting into the whole "you've been contacting me" I

Just said that I respect and understand he needs time and space. Wished him a good week and said bye. He replied he would see me in two weeks and to have a good weekend.

 

To me, he's done. I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it. I know what he's like when he's been hurt and he's doing what he usually does which I understand. I'm just confused with the whole contacting me then going serious when I did. To be honest I don't know meeting up in two weeks will happen and if it does I'm goin with no expectations. Our mutual friends have invited us among our other friends to some events. They said they're not awkward about our situation. I don't know what to do.

[aybc123]

For what it's worth, i wouldn't marry someone who i hadn't lived with for at least a year either.

 

It sounds like this is a case of right guy wrong time, (he needs a year of living with you and also probably a couple of years to grow into it whereas you're ready now).

[Janni]

Thank you everyone for your replies. You are all helping :-) thank you xUnknown for ur reply re Facebook.

 

Now no contact was going well, he then started texting me last week keeping me up to date with things he was up to re work n his recovery from minor plastic surgery. I didn't push anything just asked if he was recovering ok etc and to take care. Over the weekend he sends a picture of himself asking whet I thought of him with his new spectacles. I asked if it was intended for me? Yes, I want your opinion was the reply. Ok... Perplexed? Yes.

 

I took this initiating contact with me as it would be ok for me to MSG him. So two nights okay i asked him how his day was. He replied "do you miss me?" This threw me...

 

I replied "yes". He said "well I miss you sometimes too, but I just don't think we are not going to work, you made ur mind up, are you still confused?" I replied that I was sorry, but I made a mistake and I regret speaking too fast and on emotion and it's the consequences I have to live with." He asked if I made a mistake breaking things off. I felt I had to reply honestly and said yes. He wrote back saying he didn't expect that. He thinks I should go

And finish my travel/find myself etc and maybe in a while we can start over that he wants to come travelling at the end of the year but can't due to work.

 

I said that it would be nice to do these things together. He said to lay off the "we" talk for a bit. And then said that "we need to stop communicating until we see each other in two weeks, that he needs to clear his head and have space" I didn't even bother getting into the whole "you've been contacting me" I

Just said that I respect and understand he needs time and space. Wished him a good week and said bye. He replied he would see me in two weeks and to have a good weekend.

 

To me, he's done. I've made my bed, now I have to lie in it. I know what he's like when he's been hurt and he's doing what he usually does which I understand. I'm just confused with the whole contacting me then going serious when I did. To be honest I don't know meeting up in two weeks will happen and if it does I'm goin with no expectations. Our mutual friends have invited us among our other friends to some events. They said they're not awkward about our situation. I don't know what to do.

 

I've been in your ex's situation. When my ex wanted me back, I reacted like your ex. Said I wasn't sure and maybe it wouldn't work and stuff. Because my ex's thoughts had hit me and I'd been trying to move on, because I had been dumped ofc. Besides, it's a lot easier saying you dont want to get back together, if the other person does. That's all about power. And when someone else takes the weak spot (Wanting to get back together) it's so much easier t o take the "strong" spot (not being sure). I hope you understand. Just keep the NC and he'll probably turn around.

[momo81]

I just wanted to say thank you for all that took the time to read my posts and replying. I really appreciate your perspectives/advice. Will post an update when there is one peace

[momo81]

So we met up for lunch today and although it's easy to say to oneself not to go with any expectations I'd be lying if I said I didn't. I had a little bit of expectations sitting in my heart. He picked me up, there was no awkwardness just normal like the old days and it was so lovely to see him he gave me a big hug and we went to the beach. We talked about what we are doing all the general things laughed and such, then it turned to the serious talk. He is a very logical realistic man. He said that if we got back together right now we would just fall into the same cycle/patterns again. I agreed. He said that he didn't want to have me stuck here while he finished his job for another year or two and he wanted me to go out and reach my goals that I had planned. I heard and understood everything he was saying. I apologised for being hasty with initiating the break up and we agreed it was a long time coming and I just was brave enough to pull the trigger. We said that even though we love each other the fighting n low intimacy was killing us. He said that he has been thinking about me and wanting to get back together but it's just not realistic that maybe after sometime apart and with some time to think we can improve ourselves and we could have a chance again. So we had a big hug and said goodbye. We will be seeing each other at a friends dinner on Thursday but after that we have agreed to limit contact until we have healed.

 

So it was a bitter sweet day. I am now not in limbo and can move forward but I am now without the man I truly love.

[Shadowburn]

I think he never had any intention of marrying you now or anytime in the future, and was trying to get you to move in with him so he can have all the benefits of marriage without any real commitment on his part. I'm sorry, but the whole excuse of his friends to think he was a joke to me seems very immature and disrespectful to you. If he'd truly loved you, his friends opinion just shouldn't matter. Your opinion on what is acceptable to you should be much more important to him, and apparently it was not.

It seems he is relieved that you broken up, and I think the best for you is stop chasing after him, lowering yourself down and agreeing to his terms. Go full NC so you can meet someone who wants the same thing in relationship as you and stop feeling you ruined the best thing that ever happened to you. You lost nothing, the guy who is not committed but doesn't mind to use you just not worth keeping at all.

[cavalier99]

Yup this is over. Sorry. You need to go NC and not look back. Delete, erase, block and eventually forget. Rock on! Cav

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, momo, but it seems you got the closure you needed in order to move on with your life. Good luck and take this time to really focus on yourself.

[momo81]

Thanks everyone for your words and for your time. I must say it does help being on these forums.

 

Soooo, as you do after finalising a breakup, i came home sat down, stared at the wall and had a big cry. Eventually pulled myself together and went for a big walk. Went to visit some friends who have just found they are pregnant and basically just tried to keep myself busy.

 

Our friends (this is going to sound so communal) called and said they had hoped we were going to get back together. They seem more upset than us haha.

 

Yesterday, I get a text from ex "Hey, have you looked for jobs at A B & C" I didn't reply. Then another text "Look, i have been thinking about us, i don't want to lose you, and I know how unhappy you are in your job and that knowing that if you got a new job and your job satisfaction was improved things could be different (i was quite stressed and grumpy from my job). I'm not saying that we will get back together straight away, but i'm saying that would make a bit of a difference". I didn't reply. Then "I just want you to be happy, please let me know what you decide to do, whether you move or you stay, if all goes well in the future, I'd like to be us again, anyways, I'll see you on Thursday" (as we have a dinner at a mutual friends).

 

I had to put the phone down and walk away from the house. After trying to get my head around that we were done, this is said. I didn't know what to say. I just replied, "Hi, will see you at dinner on Thursday, have a good day". I didn't want to get into a dialogue with him. Didn't want to feed the idea anymore and once again put false hope into my head.

 

Although not being in contact and not seeing them again hurts, it is very beneficial to both parties to be NC. It allows both to heal and to move forward. I have told a mutual friend, that after this dinner, I won't be making myself present at all the gatherings that we have. They understood and still love us both and we are still all good friends, as with time, things change and so will our circle of friends. Such is life eh. Sux, but such is life. Who knows, they said, down the line, we may reunite. Well, i thought he made up his mind, so he knows how to reach me. I have no ill feelings towards him. He was great and is, but I cannot hold on to the "hope" that we will be us again, so back into the scary but exciting world of singledom.

 

Peace everyone xx

[momo81]

Last Thursday, had the opportunity to experience my first Thanksgiving dinner. (my friend is american and dates a local girl here). Ex was there, as we are all in the same circle. There was no awkwardness what-so-ever. We all just mingled like mature adults. Food was great, company was great. I decided to leave, so I said good night to everyone and EX said, "ill walk you out". I said "it was okay", but he insisted. As we walked down the stairs, he informed me of the latest with his parents etc. We stood on the porch and i said "goodnight". I was not wanting to wait around for "anything" that could happen. He grabbed me and said he was still confused etc, pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. Yes it was nice, i'm not going to lie. He said "i think about you, i miss you, i just don't want to go back to the cycle etc, things need to change if we get back together". I asked if he was drunk. NO, was the reply. He asked me to go back to his, i said no. He said, what do we do now, i replied 'one day at a time i guess'. I left, and went home.

 

So, today, he texts me. Asked how i am all those usual things. I didn't reply for awhile, until he asked about Thursday night, then i took the bait. I asked again if he was drunk he said "maybe a little, but i was aware and seeing you realised i still have feelings for you, i miss you and i'm so confused". I said "that i felt silly being kissed while he was drunk, that i allowed myself to take that as false hope, that i didn't want to be used as an easy target when he feels like getting it on, and boom i'm around". He said he was sorry and if he didn't have feelings he wouldn't have done what he had done. The conversation seems to be going around in circles. I told him how I feel, he knows that.

 

I'm confused. My head says, remove yourself from all temptation, remove from FB, Phone, Life. My heart says "what if". I mean, I have been given opportunities to have a date, and i politely decline because I'm still holding onto false hope. How sad is that!??

 

It's been a month now, I NEED to have more self control and self respect!!

xx

[LadyM]

This man claims confusion, but I think not. If he really wanted you back in the way you need, he would make that clear to you. But he isn't. He's playing a little game with you, manipulating you because he's lonely. Kissing you when he's drunk because he can. Using you for selfish reasons.

 

If he really wants to work on the relationship, there are many ways to do that, including counseling, but he is not pushing for that. He's pushing because he's selfish and alone.

 

I give you MUCH credit for not letting him use you. You are doing GREAT!!!!

[Shadowburn]

Last Thursday, had the opportunity to experience my first Thanksgiving dinner. (my friend is american and dates a local girl here). Ex was there, as we are all in the same circle. There was no awkwardness what-so-ever. We all just mingled like mature adults. Food was great, company was great. I decided to leave, so I said good night to everyone and EX said, "ill walk you out". I said "it was okay", but he insisted. As we walked down the stairs, he informed me of the latest with his parents etc. We stood on the porch and i said "goodnight". I was not wanting to wait around for "anything" that could happen. He grabbed me and said he was still confused etc, pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. Yes it was nice, i'm not going to lie. He said "i think about you, i miss you, i just don't want to go back to the cycle etc, things need to change if we get back together". I asked if he was drunk. NO, was the reply. He asked me to go back to his, i said no. He said, what do we do now, i replied 'one day at a time i guess'. I left, and went home.

 

So, today, he texts me. Asked how i am all those usual things. I didn't reply for awhile, until he asked about Thursday night, then i took the bait. I asked again if he was drunk he said "maybe a little, but i was aware and seeing you realised i still have feelings for you, i miss you and i'm so confused". I said "that i felt silly being kissed while he was drunk, that i allowed myself to take that as false hope, that i didn't want to be used as an easy target when he feels like getting it on, and boom i'm around". He said he was sorry and if he didn't have feelings he wouldn't have done what he had done. The conversation seems to be going around in circles. I told him how I feel, he knows that.

 

I'm confused. My head says, remove yourself from all temptation, remove from FB, Phone, Life. My heart says "what if". I mean, I have been given opportunities to have a date, and i politely decline because I'm still holding onto false hope. How sad is that!??

 

It's been a month now, I NEED to have more self control and self respect!!

xx

 

If he is confused, you have to stay out of the picture for him to unconfuse himself. I was actually going to advise you against going for that thanksgiving dinner became it was obvious he'll try to use it to his advantage, and he did. Please stay NC. He is messing with your head because he is selfish and don't want you to move on, and his feelings have nothing to do with it. Can you block him on your phone so he won't have such an easy acces to you?

Stay strong girl!

[momo81]

Thank you Shadowburn and LadyM.

 

Yes, i agree, i even said that he doesn't seem to want a relationship again because he's not really doing anything to claim it back. He's response was that this was my doing. I need to show him that it won't go back to the old way, as that is what he is afraid of. I said that i have put things into place to improve myself to prevent that, and asked him what he is doing? No response. I said that i can only apologise so many times and that i have put my heart back on the line and have told him I want to try again. He has this information, its up to him what to do with it. As it seems, yes, its for his own reasons he is keeping me around....

 

Although we ended on friendly terms, i have now come to the conclusion that yes, i need to not have anything to do with him. Because, keeping the contact is just making it hard for me to move on, keeping that false hope alive. NC is beneficial to heal. I now know why they advise it

 

LadyM, Yes, i have the ability to block from my phone. I will have to also block from FB..... such a s*it decision to make eh.

[Shadowburn]

Thank you Shadowburn and LadyM.

 

Yes, i agree, i even said that he doesn't seem to want a relationship again because he's not really doing anything to claim it back. He's response was that this was my doing. I need to show him that it won't go back to the old way, as that is what he is afraid of. I said that i have put things into place to improve myself to prevent that, and asked him what he is doing? No response. I said that i can only apologise so many times and that i have put my heart back on the line and have told him I want to try again. He has this information, its up to him what to do with it. As it seems, yes, its for his own reasons he is keeping me around....

 

Although we ended on friendly terms, i have now come to the conclusion that yes, i need to not have anything to do with him. Because, keeping the contact is just making it hard for me to move on, keeping that false hope alive. NC is beneficial to heal. I now know why they advise it

 

LadyM, Yes, i have the ability to block from my phone. I will have to also block from FB..... such a s*it decision to make eh.

 

Don't feel bad for having to block him because he is obviously not feeling bad for stringing you along while he is "confused". I really don't get the "being confused" thing at all - either you want to be with someone, or you don't, what is it to be confused about. You seem to be very in tune with what you want out of relationship, please keep moving on and don't waste your time on that "confused" individual. I will bet money on his going back and forth on wanting/not wanting relationship with you for the next 6 month or for however long you will allow it. Please stop him now.

[momo81]

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

(just needed to scream)

 

Thanks Shadowburn. I just got another msg about him being confused, it's so damn busy with work that i can't digest anything at the moment, i'll talk to you later, when things calm down. WTF. I'm not important, that's what that message is saying to me, and it's giving me the medicine I need to realise that this is it.

 

I didn't reply. That was on FB. I need to now remove FB.

[momo81]

Five days since my last post - blocked from all media, so i can focus on me, next minute "knock knock knock" at my front door. Its my ex. I've tried contacting you, but you've gone from FB and I can't get through on your phone.

 

We went for a walk. He held my hand did all those things that an EX is not suppose to do. Yes I enjoyed it. We didn't talk about us at all, just about what we have been up to etc, me finding a new job, he finishing his first year having one more year to go. He was interested in what jobs I was applying for, then He said "I don't want to f**k around with your head, but a happier us would change things with us, you and this new job, you won't be unhappy like you are at your current job, and that will change things for us". I just let him talk, I mean, what does one say to that. In the past when i talk about us, he reminds me how it was ME that ended things. So i just don't bring us up now. We talked more, him about missing me and he really wants to work things out with us, he just needs time and he is scared old habits will kick in again. He said he just wants to unwind from this year with no pressure or expectations and see what the new year brings" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? I just said i understood and respect that. My head was spinning. False hope??

 

Deep down, i know what i need to do. I removed the block from my phone cos he asked, but now I'm feeling that it really needs to go back on. I'm doing myself no favours. He knows I want him back, but these mixed signals im getting from him, i've allowed them to do my head in.

 

What can I say, or do I say anything to finalise this all. Meaning, a final goodbye.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

momo81, I can see why you would be utterly confused by him but it seems like he's confused as well.

 

Remember that a successful relationship takes 2 individuals who are willing and ready to give the effort and time to make it work. As we all know, relationships take A LOT of work and both of you have to be equally invested.

 

It sounds like he wants to be with you but he may not be ready or willing to put in the work. Until you believe he will put in the effort, it wouldn't be a good idea to start something up again with him. You'll just find yourself heartbroken and frustrated again.