LDR - time to let go?

[SherryEast]

I'm so very confused, and of course this is due to my emotions clouding my judgement. Please help me out here.

 

I had met a guy only once in person when he was here in town, and he is from another country. On the verge of divorce with a child, I wrote him off thinking it's best he go back to his wife.

 

He friended me on all social networks and we'd talk online daily, for months, but I was all tied up with work - we are in the same industry.

 

Anyway, with lots of off an on with me avoiding him because he's so far away and because he told me he cannot leave his country - he has to remain there to stay with his child, that's legit - I told him like 5 months ago we could not talk anymore. I told him I needed someone WITH me, in the same town.

 

Well he comes back at me 2 weeks later saying he would like to try it here, meaning move to where I live. I believed him.

 

All we did was talk a lot, flirty outrageously, and this went on for a few months... but then once he knew he had me where he wanted me, it was "you know I can't leave here and we can't have anything serious... "

 

I felt mislead, very hurt, so I ended it. He wanted to stay friends, and I said no in that moment.

 

As weeks passed and I realized how attached I had become, how much I missed him, it was awful!!

 

Well here and there we did sometimes talk in chat/IM and once I did send him some kisses, but he didn't send me any back.

 

So we kept on communicating, about work stuff mostly, and now I did re-friend him on social media.

 

Long story short, he says NOTHING romantic anymore, and doing this ''friends'' thing is HARD and it's confusing me.

 

If I send an email or anything, he responds immediately, is always friendly, helpful, etc., yet I don't see him initiating contact - he's passive.

 

So I don't know how you can go to all hot and heavy so to speak to just friends and not feel anything, but that is how he acts now.

 

For the guys reading this, would you keep a woman you had romantic/sexual feelings for as a 'friend' if you didn't want more?

 

For everyone, is me just letting go the best thing to do? I believe that had it not been for the distance between us, none of these problems would be going on.

 

More than anything, I want to know how he feels but he says nothing.

 

And I don't get WHY he wants to be 'friends' on Facebook, like that's so important to him, yet he hasn't said a word to me on there in 2 days?!

Edited November 6, 2013 by SherryEast
slight update

[keithkat]

Maybe there are other factors which made him decide to be just friends with you. He didn't follow through his word of cutting the distance so maybe he realized he just cannot make it happen as he first thought. And now he's already giving you the "just friends" treatment.

 

I think it's time for you to just move on. There's nothing you could do if he already made up his mind that he just wants you to be his friend. He needs to know for himself that he wants to be with you and is willing to compromise for your relationship. It seems that he realized he actually couldn't do it with you.

 

Move on. Let go. And let the strong power of love find you. :-)

[Eternal Sunshine]

You need to torch that bridge. This half-assed friends thing is making you miserable. You keep picking at your wound so it can't heal. Let him go, sure it will hurt for a while but it will get better.

[umirano]

The best thing IS to let go. I've never kept friendships of any sort with girls that I once fell for, and I don't know of any buddies of mine who did. I guess some guys just don't want to or can hang out with a girl casually once they were sexually attracted to her. I'd say he realized there's no way you really ever can be together physically, so he retreats. Out of politeness he keeps the contact alive, but he's hesitant to juice it up.

[SherryEast]

Maybe there are other factors which made him decide to be just friends with you. He didn't follow through his word of cutting the distance so maybe he realized he just cannot make it happen as he first thought. And now he's already giving you the "just friends" treatment.

 

I think it's time for you to just move on. There's nothing you could do if he already made up his mind that he just wants you to be his friend. He needs to know for himself that he wants to be with you and is willing to compromise for your relationship. It seems that he realized he actually couldn't do it with you.

 

Move on. Let go. And let the strong power of love find you. :-)

 

All good points! I think that he had some fantasy thing about me and doesn't have the ability to make it real. I also believe that maybe this time he got it that he was hurting me and that it was time to stop misleading me, because prior to this, no matter what, he wouldn't leave me alone.

[SherryEast]

The best thing IS to let go. I've never kept friendships of any sort with girls that I once fell for, and I don't know of any buddies of mine who did. I guess some guys just don't want to or can hang out with a girl casually once they were sexually attracted to her. I'd say he realized there's no way you really ever can be together physically, so he retreats. Out of politeness he keeps the contact alive, but he's hesitant to juice it up.

 

I agree - and like I said, I went NO CONTACT but it was him wanting us to stay friends. I don't know that it's out of just politeness here motivating him. This has been off and on for a good 2 years already. Again, we are very used to sharing events in our lives with each other. I didn't want make the post too long initially, but note that when I did end it, he was very hurt, too. Maybe it's just the same for him as it is for me, hard to just completely let go.

[SherryEast]

You need to torch that bridge. This half-assed friends thing is making you miserable. You keep picking at your wound so it can't heal. Let him go, sure it will hurt for a while but it will get better.

 

You're right... because I was feeling fine the less we kept in touch and now it's all back to thinking about him/missing him, so we tried this friend thing too soon. It's like going in two directions at once.

[SherryEast]

Maybe there are other factors which made him decide to be just friends with you. He didn't follow through his word of cutting the distance so maybe he realized he just cannot make it happen as he first thought. And now he's already giving you the "just friends" treatment.

 

I think it's time for you to just move on. There's nothing you could do if he already made up his mind that he just wants you to be his friend. He needs to know for himself that he wants to be with you and is willing to compromise for your relationship. It seems that he realized he actually couldn't do it with you.

 

Move on. Let go. And let the strong power of love find you. :-)

 

And the one time I sent him kisses and he didn't respond, well that's one thing. However, given that he STILL stays in contact with me after that, it's another thing. What I mean is, if he didn't want to encourage those feelings, he would have said something, or cut me off... but he didn't.

 

Oh well, too bad the new guys asking me out aren't inspiring LOL but thank you so much for your help

[OnlyHonesty]

I think once the line of friendship has been crossed, thinking you can go back is naive. I believe people say 'lets just be friends' without thinking, sometimes they say it to lesson the hurt but regardless of the reason, I think it rarely works in any place other than the persons head.

 

If you are feeling more at peace without contact with this person then that's all that matters. I notice that so often, people invite disharmony and doubt (back) into their life because they can't let go of the fluffy cushion of emotion that covers the spiked pillow of reality.

[OnlyHonesty]

<--snip-->

 

Oh well, too bad the new guys asking me out aren't inspiring LOL but thank you so much for your help

 

 

Perhaps the new hand of inspiration fails to grasp the fingers that still hold onto the past love.

[SherryEast]

I think once the line of friendship has been crossed, thinking you can go back is naive. I believe people say 'lets just be friends' without thinking, sometimes they say it to lesson the hurt but regardless of the reason, I think it rarely works in any place other than the persons head.

 

If you are feeling more at peace without contact with this person then that's all that matters. I notice that so often, people invite disharmony and doubt (back) into their life because they can't let go of the fluffy cushion of emotion that covers the spiked pillow of reality.

 

Well said! Yeah, more at peace, because in spite of even some more work stuff we discuss as 'friends,' yesterday, dealing with him also sparks feelings of anger - he had NO right to come off for so long as someone who offered something sincere when in reality he could not.

 

So now there's a lot of 'I can't wait to fall in love with someone else because I know that'll hurt him' thinking going on last night/today.

 

It's just wasting time/energy on the wrong person... and I can't fully forgive someone toying so much with my emotions, and maybe some part of me stays ''friends'' with him so I can do the same to him and then walk away?

 

It doesn't matter that I was the one who broke up with him, this all hurt me a lot. Maybe a good dose of his own medicine is what he needs.

[sunmaid2010]

I met my ex (I’ll call him ex because he asked for “time and space” while I was on an extended vacation in the US in 2011. I live in a different country. We hit it off instantly. He is a Gemini, working as school administrator and he does counseling for children. He is divorced, with a teenage son. He has good relations with his ex wife.

 

We first got to know each other thru an internet dating site while I was on vacation. We decided to meet, with me flying over to his place. We hit it off instantly. I’ve met his son, his ex and his friends. They were all very nice to me and liked and loved me for him.

 

Then I had to leave the US to return to my country and we promised to hold on to our relationship. Even oceans apart, we manage to keep our relationship. Although, December 2012, I caught him going back to the dating website where we met. He said he did not mean to date anyone but he was pretty lonely and he wanted to know if I was the one for him. He asked for forgiveness which I gave him,

 

This year, 2013, I went back to the US for a visit. I stayed at his place for the duration of my vacation. I am friends with his ex and his son and all of his friends. And in some occasions I feel that he is pressured because his friends and his son kept on asking when we are going to marry.

 

We never had any argument, whether big or small. We are happy together, we always laugh and we do things together like walking, exercising, going on countryside trips, cleaning his house and his garden, cook together. We have good conversations, we can discuss almost anything under the sun. I give him his “alone time” as he respects mine too.

 

But as a Gemini, he is what we some would call a “chick magnet”, he likes having female friends. While I do not want him to lose his friends, I sometimes feel that he prioritize his friends over me. We have a healthy discussion about this and he explained why he does this. And I tried to understand that he is generally a nice guy with big heart for anyone in need.

 

While I was still in the US, we discussed our situation. He said that ours is a difficult situation because it is a long distance relationship. He said that the ideal scenario is for me to live there independently and we date. But I said that when he pursued me, he knew our situation. He said that he did not want to be pressured into marrying me And I said that I was not pressuring him at all. We actually planned for me to study there and continue with our relationship.

 

The time has come for me to return to my country. On the day of my departure, he said that if I cannot visit him in December then he would visit me in the summer (June) and that I should come with him when he return to the US.

 

So I went back to my country, resumed my work because if I were to go schooling In the US I wanted to have some money and not be financially dependent on him.

For the last 3 months we have been in constant communication. Knowing that his son stays with his mom more than he stays with him, and he being alone most of the time, I saw to it that I would text him in the morning and in the evening. I thought I would keep the communication constant and for him not to feel totally alone.

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, he suddenly asked for “some space” to think if he is “ready for marriage”., if he is ready to marry me, since we cannot continue “just visiting each other. But this is after we made plans for summer. He said I “perfect” and that there is nothing wrong with me but it was him who has a problem.. that he has issues with marriage. He said that he married his ex-wife only when she got herself pregnant, and the other woman whom he had a long relationship also tried to force him to marry him so that is why they broke up.

 

I told him that I never put a pressure on him. In fact I was thinking of ways to be with him. Of course, I did try to convince him that we were good together, and enumerated my traits and qualities. I know this sound desperate, and I shouldn’t have done that. But despite of the shock and pain I felt, I still tried to understand him. I gave him the “space “ he asked for. I wrote him a letter stating that I support his desire for a Space, reminded him of our good times together, that I do not want to beg him because I want to keep my dignity, and assured him that I love him. I closed my letter stating that I hope he finds his way back to me in time.

 

He said it was a “break up but only different”, akin to a cooling off period. But when I asked for the parameters , he just said that he will be sure of his feelings by summer, that we can still communicate and text each other with friendly texts, and that he has no interest in meeting other women during this period.

 

I do not know what to make of this. It seems to be that he is just readying me to a final break up. He still says that he loves me and asked me to bear with him for his inconsistent behavior. He just needed to be sure if he wants/or ready to be married.

 

I try to make excuses for what he is undergoing. He definitely feels pressured at work, and maybe feels pressured by his friends constantly asking us about our status. I am also aware that he probably feels sad during this period because it is holiday season and he is there and I am here. I do believe he loves me, but I am not sure now if he is still in love with me despite him saying so.

 

I initiated a no contact rule the day after we broke up/cooled off (November 5). A catastrophe hit my country and yet despite of that he did not send me a message. I broke off the NC when I texted him about the tragedy in my country. He said he was very worried about me and he tried texting (viber) but that the messages wouldn’t go through. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though I felt so sad that he couldn’t bring himself to ask my situation on a time like this.

 

It’s been 9 days of no communication between us. I tried to resist sending him messages. Whenever I have the urge to send him a viber message, I would turn off my phone. I threw myself into exercising and volunteering for relief operations in our country. I tried to make myself busy but at the end of the day, I still think of and miss him a lot.

 

I know that I love this man, and even if I understood and supported his desire for a break, I fear that we will drift apart because he refused to contact me. He is a counselor, and I am sure he knows this NC rule, and is probably using it against me too. He is a Gemini and I know that people under this sign is vey stubborn and they have really big ego/pride, and I think he won’t contact me because of this. Gemini man has a tendency to be bored easily, although I know that if he is going to be bored of me it was because of our distance and not my nature.

 

I don’t know what to do this time. I love him and I really want for us to work on this relationship but he seems to have quit without even trying. I sometimes feel that I m the only one doing everything to keep our relationship going. It seems he only likes things/relationships to be somewhat easy. Of course nobody wanted a complicated relationship, but if he jumps bail his early, then how can I rely on him when the relationship gets into a really tough time in the future (if there is even a future). I know I shouldn’t feel this way but Ive always believed that when you are with the right person, it just gets better in time, and that if he is happy with me then he wouldn’t question his feelings or desire to commit to me.

 

 

Does the 8-month cooling off period , really a cooling off period? Or is this his way of saying it is a final break up? He has always been vocal with me, but im not sure this time around if he is just softening the blow for me. I don’t want to give up on him and I want to give our relationship a chance because I believe God did not allow us to go this far without any plan for us.

[justwhoiam]

So, are you keeping NC?

 

"you know I can't leave here and we can't have anything serious... "

I guess I could have accepted the first part of the statement, but not the second one, no. No one should play with my feelings ever.

 

The let's-be-friends thing can work when there's a long relationship on record, not a few months of flirting. Also, you need to love someone deeply and think: ok, I'm not in love with this person anymore, but I will always love them (dearly).

 

More than anything, I want to know how he feels but he says nothing.

That's a very possible consequence of him still being attracted to you. So he's trying to behave the best he can. That means not being around too much, nor have conversations that last for hours, to clearly avoid getting weak with you.

 

And I don't get WHY he wants to be 'friends' on Facebook, like that's so important to him, yet he hasn't said a word to me on there in 2 days?!

Being friends there assures some continuity, you are accessible there for when he wants to say happy birthday, merry christmas or whatever, and he can know what you're up to, he's into you so he wants to know about you and what happens to you. Not talking for 2 days is no big deal.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Move on. It is time to let go.

Edited November 28, 2013 by nomadic_butterfly