translating guy speak

[ana0pera]

About a month ago I met this guy, and we clicked instantly. We talk everyday and have a lot in common, I haven't felt this good about someone since my last LTR and honestly this new guy gives me much better vibes. I am still trying to stay calm and realistic and things are progressing well. We met once thus far (he lives about an hour away) and it was great...good chemistry etc. We still talk constantly after meeting and I was on a trip last week and we still talked all the time. I like where things are going.

 

I haven't seen him since we first met ~3 weeks ago, though, and he hasn't mentioned anything about meeting up again. Last night I asked when I was going to see him again and this morning he responded that he didn't know but hopefully sometime soon.

 

(This might be a good point to mention that I haveno idea how fast things progress when it comes to dating, my ex was ldr in another country and the last guy I went out with was super into me overnight so we saw each other a lot over the 1.5 months we were together).

 

 

I have a problem overanalyzing things and I am trying to play it cool but in my stomach I have an uneasy feeling about his response. He has always been straightforward with me so I am taking it at face value, that it will be soon, but at the same time it could easily mean that he doesn't want to go out agin since he has been very eager to set something up previously...soon is vague. And when I made a joke about hoping that his comment wasn't guyspeak he completely ignored it and changed the subject, which isn't really like him.

 

I am talking to other guys but I honestly like him the best and see a lot of potential for us even though it is early...but maybe he doesn't? He definitely calmed downnsincewe met but he still responds to texts and initiates conversations...It is like 50:50 with initiation now when it was 70:30 before with him doing most of the initiation.

 

I am frustrated because I've dealt with a lot of douchebags since my ex (hell, including my ex) and this guy exhibited no red flags whatsoever, yet I have a feeling he isn't interested anymore which kind of sucks. And I have a hard time not taking it personally, but I guess if he doesn't feel it I can't force it right?

 

What are other people's read on this situation? I am just going to go on with my life and text when he initiates but I am not going to it more effort into it than that because I need to guard my feelings...I am a hopeless romantic in recovery should I put an expiration date on this, like if there are no plans to meet before say thanksgiving (or earlier I dont know) do I just stop contact at that point? I don't want to play games if I like someone I am transparent and I value communication, and he told me he values communication too, but for some reason I feel like he is holding back. Thoughts?

[pteromom]

Yeah, I get the "not interested" vibe too. If he really liked you, he'd find time to see you within three weeks. Or if it was just a crazy time and he truly couldn't get to you in three weeks, he'd already have the next date set up so you wouldn't get away.

 

I wouldn't necessarily stop talking to him, but I'd keep dating other guys and wouldn't put all my eggs in his basket.

[tlegend]

Yeah, I get the "not interested" vibe too. If he really liked you, he'd find time to see you within three weeks. Or if it was just a crazy time and he truly couldn't get to you in three weeks, he'd already have the next date set up so you wouldn't get away.

 

I wouldn't necessarily stop talking to him, but I'd keep dating other guys and wouldn't put all my eggs in his basket.

 

I agreed with this initial assessment, however, after carefully reading what you posted, I think you should share a little about this individual before we can give advice.

 

Reasons for why I think we should find out what he does for a living:

1) He is still initiating texts.

2) He still wants to meet up sometime "soon"

3) You are guarding yourself due to past experiences, and in your post, you repeatedly mentioned he gives you good vibes and there have been no red flags. Not sure if this was subconsciously done or if you were validating your own observations in fear of them being wrong, but needless to say, it was posted.

 

Therefore, I believe that you should think more into this rather than his vague replies through text. He could've been having a bad week due to work. He could of been in a bad mood due to breaking something in the house. There's a million and a half reasons as to why he sounded "vague" in a medium of communication that has no way to determine the 90% of nonverbal communication that isn't apparent in a text.

 

What does he do for a living? Does he have children? How old is he? Is his week / day filled with appointments and errands and whatnot? Is he normally an extremely busy individual who gets home in time to eat and sleep?

 

A lot of these factors need to be taken into account when judging if someone likes you or not.

 

Based upon just comparing stories here on loveshack....I would propose you set a date as you are obviously into him, and he is obviously entertaining your communication.

 

It doesn't have to be the guy who sets the date. It takes 2 to tango.

[Treasa]

Yep, pull back, don't contact him, start seeing other guys and doing more things with other people. His actions will show you how he feels, either way.

 

Definitely don't tip your hand. Even if you suspect that a guy is doing something, don't mention it to him. Just pull back and observe.

[tlegend]

Yep, pull back, don't contact him, start seeing other guys and doing more things with other people. His actions will show you how he feels, either way.

 

Definitely don't tip your hand. Even if you suspect that a guy is doing something, don't mention it to him. Just pull back and observe.

 

Ugh....as I guy, and being a undercover romantic, I can't tell you how much this would annoy me....to no end.

 

But, it IS true that if I am into a girl and I feel her pulling away, I would try harder...for a short while.

 

Please keep in mind the key phrase in my observation. "...for a short while".

 

EDIT: Reason? Because my friends would be giving me the same advice you people are giving her. "Pull back, see if she contacts you". If we are both "pulling back", there is no chance that this would ever work, making it a self fulfilling prophecy.

[d0nnivain]

Until he starts to initiate more in-person contact do not put all your eggs in his basket. You are only 1 hour apart; that's not far at all. Heck DH works an hour away from home.

 

 

You should be at least seeing him weekly if he was serious. He may still be playing the field so you should too. Be cool. Talk to him when you like but guard our heart until he gets off his duff & meets you more often.

[ana0pera]

I agreed with this initial assessment, however, after carefully reading what you posted, I think you should share a little about this individual before we can give advice.

 

Reasons for why I think we should find out what he does for a living:

1) He is still initiating texts.

2) He still wants to meet up sometime "soon"

3) You are guarding yourself due to past experiences, and in your post, you repeatedly mentioned he gives you good vibes and there have been no red flags. Not sure if this was subconsciously done or if you were validating your own observations in fear of them being wrong, but needless to say, it was posted.

 

Therefore, I believe that you should think more into this rather than his vague replies through text. He could've been having a bad week due to work. He could of been in a bad mood due to breaking something in the house. There's a million and a half reasons as to why he sounded "vague" in a medium of communication that has no way to determine the 90% of nonverbal communication that isn't apparent in a text.

[/Quote]

Thanks for playing devil's advocate, you bring up some good points

 

What does he do for a living? Does he have children? How old is he? Is his week / day filled with appointments and errands and whatnot? Is he normally an extremely busy individual who gets home in time to eat and sleep?

 

A lot of these factors need to be taken into account when judging if someone likes you or not.

 

He is my age (25) but is definitely an old soul like me, he is more mature than any of the guys I've dated in the past who've been 27 - 34. He just moved and is still setting up his new place, he is basically renovating the whole place. He manages a store and has been pretty busy at work lately (sometimes working 6 days a week) and generally he likes to keep busy so that could be why he was so vague...I just hate the vagueness! That and the distance doesn't make it easy to do something during the weekdays...we are basically confined to weekends. That is why his "soon" might have been vague but honest.

 

On the flip side, he could've said, "soon I hope" and gave some timeframe with the condition that it's tentative? is that asking for much? he just sort of dismissed the topic like the plague lol.

 

Based upon just comparing stories here on loveshack....I would propose you set a date as you are obviously into him, and he is obviously entertaining your communication.

 

It doesn't have to be the guy who sets the date. It takes 2 to tango.

 

True. I was trying to show initiative by asking when we were going to see each other, to get the ball rolling on discussing the matter. Maybe I should've been more blunt and asked, "what are you doing this weekend?" I am really good (too good, maybe) about setting dates, I don't want to come off as too forward though :/

[Keenly]

I think you need to reel it in a little, for your own emotional well being. For only seeing this guy once, you sure sound extremely emotionally invested into something that's no where near a sure thing. So be careful here.... the potential to get hurt is very high.

[ana0pera]

Definitely don't tip your hand. Even if you suspect that a guy is doing something, don't mention it to him. Just pull back and observe.

 

Thanks. Yeah, I am going to play it cool. I am usually fiery and passionate lol but I am going to stay calm with this one and just see what happens. I have enough stuff to keep me occupied as it is and I'd love to spend more time with him but I am not going to let him know it, because then he could use that in a manipulative way. I hate thinking like that but again, I need to keep my guard up until feelings have developed on both sides and the feelings are shared

 

Ugh....as I guy, and being a undercover romantic, I can't tell you how much this would annoy me....to no end.

 

But, it IS true that if I am into a girl and I feel her pulling away, I would try harder...for a short while.

 

Please keep in mind the key phrase in my observation. "...for a short while".

 

EDIT: Reason? Because my friends would be giving me the same advice you people are giving her. "Pull back, see if she contacts you". If we are both "pulling back", there is no chance that this would ever work, making it a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

The funny thing is that we already had a conversation about how communication is important and basically one of his exes did this thing where she pulled back for no reason (or at least didn't give a reason). That is not how I am at all and it pissed him off that she did it so he isn't like that either, and I also told him that I value honesty because my last BF was a liar. I feel like he was chasing me but I wasn't pulling back at all, I responded timely and then we met he pulled back. That's when things started to pick up at work for him I guess, and I was away all of last week so I pulled back a little but honestly, we still talk a lot for young busy people who work and have social lives. But I don't want a texting buddy.

[tlegend]

True. I was trying to show initiative by asking when we were going to see each other, to get the ball rolling on discussing the matter. Maybe I should've been more blunt and asked, "what are you doing this weekend?" I am really good (too good, maybe) about setting dates, I don't want to come off as too forward though :/

 

As much as I like to stand up for our gender....it is very true we miss the "signs" women give us.

 

My advice is to combine the other good advice and do it all at once. You want a 2nd date? Ask him.

 

You want to keep your heart and feelings guarded? Do it.

 

You want to toss him to the curb and go for someone else? All the more power to you!

 

All I ask is that you don't throw this guy to the curb with the assumption that he doesn't like you.

 

From your response and hearing he's doing a renovation, managing a store, and working 6 days a week. Seems like his time is very valuable, and he still has managed to keep contact with you daily(?).

 

I think it's worth a shot. Had he not been interested, I feel he wouldn't initiate texts....or at the very least, try to ...get something from you.

[ana0pera]

I think you need to reel it in a little, for your own emotional well being. For only seeing this guy once, you sure sound extremely emotionally invested into something that's no where near a sure thing. So be careful here.... the potential to get hurt is very high.

 

yeah, not going to lie, i do get emotionally invested in people (even platonic friendships) really early on and this guy and I have definitely opened up to one another about some deep stuff even before we met. It's probably good for both of us that we don't talk 24/7 like we did when we first started talking (definitely good for my sleep schedule )

 

tbh i don't really like dating around and flirting, i like to focus on one person at a time and getting to know him, but i am trying this whole dating around thing out and seeing how it goes. it's too early to tell with him so I'll just let it continue to progress and see what happens. I'll give him time and won't bombard him with requests although now that he knows I want a second date, I will put the ball in his court. If he doesn't take it, NEXT

[Phantom888]

You sound like a real romantic and desirable girl. But I don't think he is interested. He is likely talking to other girls, and going out with someone closer to him. When guys are excited about a girl, they don't mind driving an hour in the middle of the week. I was dating a girl who lived an hour away, and I saw her every other day! So my guess is he is not interested, and is just putting you on hold until he confirms his feelings for someone else.

[Treasa]

If he was putting effort into her, I wouldn't advise what I did. However, he's not putting effort into her, and her response (I know because I used to have this same response) is to try to question or cling tighter. That only makes them pull away more.

 

I said she should get more invested in herself and other guys, and if this guy comes around, then she can decide what to do. They clearly aren't in an exclusive relationship.

[Phantom888]

Ana0pera, you also need to look at the facts - you yourself claim that once you both met face to face, he appeared to have cooled off and isn't initiating conversation as much as he used to BEFORE you met. That's very telling.

 

It's highly possible that the communication leading up to your first meet was more exciting for him than the actual meeting in person itself. For whatever reason, he wasn't as drawn to you physically as you were to him, and that appears to be why he's cooling off.

 

I agree. This happens to all of us. You can be the most sexy movie star, and to some people you are not that physically attractive. The spark may not be there, and that's why he has cooled down. Chemistry is everything, and it cannot be explained or replicated.

[tlegend]

She already asked him ONCE about getting together - he was vague and non-committal. What is she supposed to do, show up on his front porch and force him to take her out???? You're acting as though the onus is ALL on her to make this happen.

 

She REACHED across the aisle. He didn't reach BACK. Jesus.

 

Getting a text saying "we should meet up soon" is not setting a date. That's as noncommittal of a text you can get. It doesn't set a date, it holds you to no accountability, and it accomplishes nothing other than to let the person know....you want to meet up soon.

 

She didn't ask for a date. She has mentioned such, and therefore, I suggest that if she is into the guy, then ask him out on a date. Everyone else here is saying to distance yourself. However, in the OPs mind, he was really into her, and over the course of 3 weeks (2 weeks if you count the week she was unavailable, as she metioned), combined with his hectic schedule, it seems that "distancing" has come from both sides.

 

Why should she cut and run when every other sign has been for her to chase? You are telling her to basically leave this guy alone based off your assumption and your past experiences.

 

I'm doing the same, except from the opposite perspective. You say she reached by giving him a vague proposition that is usually taken as a comment in passing. I'm saying she didn't reach across the aisle by doing the same thing.

[ana0pera]

I agree. This happens to all of us. You can be the most sexy movie star, and to some people you are not that physically attractive. The spark may not be there, and that's why he has cooled down. Chemistry is everything, and it cannot be explained or replicated.

 

This is very true and I agree, BUT i think the physical chemistry was there (and coming from both sides) when we met. There was kissing, hugging, etc. That is why I am kind of clueless. If we had just hugged goodbye that would've been one thing but we kissed goodbye, and it wasn't the first time we kissed either during the date or touched.

 

I feel like I am defending him which is not my intent. I like him as a prospective romantic partner, sure, but I am neutral about him with regards to the present situation if that makes sense/seems possible. I try to see the positive over the negative these days hahahaha and I guess my trying to see the positive in the situation comes off as defending him?

 

The whole thing is just kind of confusing that I don't know what to make of it. We are both kind of socially awkward and the fact that he "cooled" off never set off an alarm bell because it's not like he was ignoring me, it's just that instead of texting every chance he got during the day (which was literally like hours of the day, I am not joking), it's mostly at night now, and I am still the one usually ending the conversations, and if he doesn't respond within an hourn or two he always apologizes (and i've never called him out on not responding and I don't keep messaging if he stops responding... not my style). We talk about the same type of stuff (serious things, silly things, etc) and he definitely isn't half-assing his messages when we talk---he literally sends paragraphs. it's just that instead of sending me novels from 9 - 2 pm and 8 - 2am (when i would force myself to go to bed), it's maybe a few paragraphs from 9 - 5 and a novella from 8 - 12 (when I normally go to bed).

 

I've been overthinking this today but mostly because everything seemed to be "right" and this is the only thing that seems "wrong" thus far---but it isn't necessarily "wrong." everything could be fine. My stomach---which has been fed by manipulative *******s---is telling me that his words mean he's not interested.

 

But then I do what I shouldn't do and contextualize everything with my head (he just moved, work is busy, 1 day off a week, an hour away by car---plus I don't have a car so I'd have to public transport to him...but he's totally okay driving here which I feel guilty about---I was away, we talked about what we'd do together in the future even though we didn't put concrete calendar days down for future dates etc etc) plus from what I know of him thus far, I just have a hard time believing that he is the type of guy who would still put in as much effort to talk to me if he wasn't interested, or would actually lead me on with a "soon." he could be seeing other people but honestly, with the amount of time he spends talking to me i don't see how that is possible either (the weekends we were not together we were talking non-stop, and the weekend we did go out he didn't pick up his phone once, and we were together for basically the entire day).

 

I am happy with myself in that I have not lost my cool about this and I plan not to invest anymore emotionally, I want to figure out where he stands and if he wants to see me again, great, if not, that's great too. Maybe there isn't chemistry like I thought there was, there are two people looking at this situation afterall, so I need to continue having my guard up. I feel like my guard is up with him but I took it down for you guys

 

i just need to calm my sh*t i guess.

[spiderowl]

If he's not trying to find a way to meet again by now, he's not interested. Sorry. It could be that a dose of 'not very interested' from you could shake him up and into action, but if he's lukewarm now is there any point?

[tlegend]

If he's not trying to find a way to meet again by now, he's not interested. Sorry. It could be that a dose of 'not very interested' from you could shake him up and into action, but if he's lukewarm now is there any point?

 

Yes, there is a ****ing point.

 

Am I the only one seeing a different perspective in this entire thread?

 

I apologize. I don't agree with just tossing him to the side. The way you typed about him, you were really into him. The reasons you gave are basically that you feel he is losing interest, yet he still initiates half the conversations, and from your last post, does not seem to be the type of guy to lead you on. You yourself said you were too busy for 1/3 of the time you knew him, and he has a busy schedule himself. Sure, he could slowly be losing interest, but instead of letting him lose the rest of the interest, since you are clearly into him, why don't you just simply ask for a 2nd date.???????

 

I truly think you overanalyzed this. However, I could be wrong. I sincerely doubt it though.

 

(I will offer a formal apology if you actually try to set a date and time with this guy, and he doesn't go for it. However, I am willing to bet he will say yes.)

[ana0pera]

Yes, there is a ****ing point.

 

Am I the only one seeing a different perspective in this entire thread?

 

I apologize. I don't agree with just tossing him to the side. The way you typed about him, you were really into him. The reasons you gave are basically that you feel he is losing interest, yet he still initiates half the conversations, and from your last post, does not seem to be the type of guy to lead you on. You yourself said you were too busy for 1/3 of the time you knew him, and he has a busy schedule himself. Sure, he could slowly be losing interest, but instead of letting him lose the rest of the interest, since you are clearly into him, why don't you just simply ask for a 2nd date.???????

 

I truly think you overanalyzed this. However, I could be wrong. I sincerely doubt it though.

 

(I will offer a formal apology if you actually try to set a date and time with this guy, and he doesn't go for it. However, I am willing to bet he will say yes.)

 

hey tlegend, no worries, I agree with many of the things you say but I don't want to put so much effort into this that it comes off as clingy. He is obviously busy right now (he doesn't know when he can see me again, afterall) so I am not going to ask him today if he wants to go out on X date but I figure I will come up with something... and ask soon...if he says "yes" we have an answer, if he says "no" we have an answer.

 

If he says the timing is not right/he's busy but "soon," I am back where I am right now and I have a plan of action. Instead of pursuing him further, I think I will put an expiration on it, continue seeing other people, talk to him when he initiates, and give up if "soon" does not materialize in a timely fashion.

 

If I like someone I don't drag it out. I don't want others to do it to people and I shouldn't let others do it to me. I've allowed it in the past but fortunately I am a smarter woman now lol. One of my friends started seeing a guy over the summer, he was "busy," left for Europe for a month, came back and was still "busy" then all of a sudden had time and contacted her out of the blue. She was considering seeing him and I basically bashed her in the head because he was here for an entire month and didn't call her once even though she contacted him and he had time to write blog posts about his trip to Europe. While our situations are different in some ways, I will not be hypocritical and come back to someone who cannot make time for me.

[pteromom]

Here's the thing though - even if he is interested, and the only way he can communicate that interest is by texting since he is too busy to drive the hour to her, what is the point of pursuing a relationship?

 

If the relationship progresses and she only gets to see him once a month because he's busy, is that really the kind of relationship she wants?

 

His intentions or interest isn't even really the main point here. It's a matter of two people either being on the same page or not. Here, they are not.

 

But still - I didn't say to quit seeing him. I said, date other people and continue to talk to him and see what happens.

[BluEyeL]

I haven't read anything other than the OP, but the guy is definitely a time waster. Once a month and he doesn't know when?? I would cut him off before he could blink! 1h away? Are you kidding me? The guy I dated this summer was 1.2h away and he was driving to me twice a week.

 

This will not have a happy ending and you are wasting your time.

[PutARingOnIt]

when i hear the word "busy" it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. busy means "i don't want to be bothered with you". that's my cue to just cut contact and if he is really interested, he will contact me again. if not, oh well.

[Zahara]

Too much analyzing. Very simple actually.

 

When someone wants to see you and is excited about you, trust me, they make time. Three weeks and you've seen each other once and his response to you asking when you can see him again is that he doesn't know?

 

Someone that likes you, isn't going to leave you unattended for three weeks. They want to be present in your life.

 

It's nice that you both still text but it's the lazy way of keeping someone available while he's scratching his balls.

[Zahara]

when i hear the word "busy" it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. busy means "i don't want to be bothered with you". that's my cue to just cut contact and if he is really interested, he will contact me again. if not, oh well.

 

That guy, Greg Behrendt that wrote the book "He's Just Not That Into You"...termed "busy" as another word for asswhole.

 

He mentioned that he would do that to women he was just cruising through but when he met his wife, he was always looking forward to when he could see her again.

 

I now hate the word "busy".

[pteromom]

That guy, Greg Behrendt that wrote the book "He's Just Not That Into You"...termed "busy" as another word for asswhole.

 

He mentioned that he would do that to women he was just cruising through but when he met his wife, he was always looking forward to when he could see her again.

 

I now hate the word "busy".

 

If someone is legitimately too busy to date, and he is talking to someone he is interested in, he would be apologizing and scrambling to make SOME kind of plan to see her. He wouldn't want her to assume he's not interested and disappear on him.