Mariposa10 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Maybe I am just odd, but I really feel like the OP can't win here. And it almost seems a little sexist to me Somehow because he's male, even thigh SHE dumped him and even though she wasn't really asking, he is supposed to not be directly honest and mollycoddle her. But I strongly suspect that if he had he'd be getting hung ou to dry for sacrificing his dignity to his dumper. I'm not saying that he was the most tactful, perhaps, but the one thing that would be worse than anything would be lying, pretending or being false to spare her feelings. People in her spot can sense that really easily, and they hate it with a passion. Did you read how he answered her when she asked to get back together?? Can you think of a worst way to answer? Ok, maybe it wasn't the worst, but it was pretty bad. It's even a little bit passive aggressive... Anyway, OP you're young and you're hurting THAT'S WHY you should've have contacted her in the first place, but you already did, so let's focus on how to fix this situation.
xUnknown Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 should've **Shouldn't have** lol, yeah he definitely should not have contacted her. (sorry, I wanted to make sure it was clear)
Mariposa10 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 **Shouldn't have** lol, yeah he definitely should not have contacted her. (sorry, I wanted to make sure it was clear) Haha, I'm sorry thanks for clearing that up. I wanted to edit it, but I couldn't.
Author Lizrd3000 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 I messed up... I see that now. I honestly didn't take her get-back-together message THAT seriously, but what IF it was a genuine attempt, I kinda made a hurtful response.. So.. Cancel the meeting > Go full NC Should I explain to her as to why we can't talk anymore though? I don't want to hurt her neither give ''mixed signals''. Just straight to the point and clear. To be honest, I don't think a specialist would be able to help her, she needs people that love her. she was in therapy since a very young age due to being bullied and having ADD and whatnot, she doesn't have high expectations for the therapy either. but I'll go with the advice you can give me. I really thought I was doing the right thing though..
Zahara Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Cancel the meeting then go NC. Sometimes it's better to just cut cold instead of explaining because that opens up back and forth and the possibility of caving and re-engaging. She needs love but not the type of "romantic love" that can potentially hurt her again.
Mariposa10 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Cancel the meeting then go NC. Sometimes it's better to just cut cold instead of explaining because that opens up back and forth and the possibility of caving and re-engaging. She needs love but not the type of "romantic love" that can potentially hurt her again. I don't know, I think I would just be honest and tell her that you two need to heal on your own. That right now it's not the best time to get together, things would only get more complicated. But then again, I'm not really familiar with your story. I just know that you two are too young to be dealing with all this and make everything super complicated. 1
geegee81 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Im not sure if this call was the best thing to do. Your ex girlfriend probably feels like there is a chance for you to reconcile. She will feel devastated again once she realizes that there is not a chance at a relationship.....It will hurt. And the guilt will eat you.
barky2 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) You two, now, are better off apart, away. Let her do her thing, let her heal on her own. As you do the same. You may be on cloud nine because you threw it back in her face, let me know how you feel in a few weeks... Unfortunately seen it a few times. Continue on your path, give her your best. Barky Edited November 7, 2013 by barky2 3
headinthecloud Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 You two, now, are better off apart, away. Let her do her thing, let her heal on her own. As you do the same. You may be on cloud nine because you threw it back in her face, let me know how you feel in a few weeks... Unfortunately seen it a few times. Continue on your path, give her your best. Barky ^^ very true. Barky knows what he's talking about! It might be best to prepare yourself for the storm of doubt and pain that will hit you in a few days. Just try not to let your mind spin when it does. Hoping the best for you and that you really do have closure. 2
Riou Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Anyone else read his feel like his the dumper thread? Maybe that thread can serve as a reference..to be honest i feel the op is devastated and in delusion.
what_a_blonde Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Please report back with your feelings in 1 day and 1 week... You may feel differently. Agree. While it may have been exhilarating and felt great to speak your mind to her and find out she misses you AND be able to turn her down... you may find yourself at a lower point tomorrow, or next week, or in two weeks regretting what you said to her and running back to her to get her attention. Then the ball will be in her court, and the cycle will start all over again. She can decide to ignore you, break your heart, whatever. Not trying to say what you did wasn't a good thing, bc I agree with you that as long as you're in the right mindset to go for it. However you have to be aware that sometimes that mindset doesn't always stick, and you have to powerthrough when it starts to slip and when you start to doubt what you did. Just a heads up, but good for you.
Author Lizrd3000 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 I feel fine the next day.. Like I said, before contacting her I felt OK, I don't think I'll get set back, and if I do, it won't be much. As for now I'm OK, so is she. Also, if she shows me she changed the way she behaves a reconcillation would be possible, but that's totally up to her and how she is now.
todreaminblue Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I didn't see it as he just wanted his ego stroked and kicked her while she was down. Not at all. He wasn't mean to her, he was honest, which a lot of us never received just the BU and **silence**. Great she is working through her issues, so did he, maybe one day they may get the chance to go at it again when both of them are in better places. jmo i would prefer silence if i were her...says more productive things for the person who is unstable.....making soemoen feel hopeful of reconcilliation not a done deal in my book....make her laugh then shoot her down way to maintain stability ...high......kamikaze crash to the netherlands......yay fun....not....... if a guy did this to me ........and i cared for him........well...it is why i dont care for guys a lot......not fun...not productive soul crushing stuff.......i normally only give my my heart away when i know i have theirs..pretty cold handling there .......from the op the making her laugh before ripping her heart out.....yeah .....quick and clean is better... but wanting power....a bit narcissistic...i would rather be left with silence that's closure for me....a quiet unobtrusive ending
Author Lizrd3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 I'm meeting her tomorrow, despite the advice you gave me. reason for this is: I'm considering taking her back. Read: considering. She left me due to problems of our own, and another guy came along and she decided to go with him, to figure out that she didn't like him that much. If she's able to win my trust back and appologize for what she's done, I might take her back. She hasn't appologized for it yet. We're meeting at my house, my family isn't home. I told her that we're gonna have a fun time by playing on the Wii with Just dance, she can't wait for tomorrow, neither can I. I'm not expecting anything, I'm hoping for it though. I won't get physically close to her tomorrow, I want everything sorted out. If we do end up back together, I want to take things very slow, and keep my guard up before I fall hopelessly in love with her again, I don't want to hit rock bottom again. Just thought I'd share this with all of you, call me stupid for considering taking her back, but I love her, and so does she. it's just hard to forget the problems we had and she left running for another guy instead of fixing them. Also, I don't know if she truly misses ME, or misses a relationship, so I'm very cautious for this.
Author Lizrd3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 You've been broken up for 5 mins. Expecting a fundamental change and a relationship to suddenly work is foolish. It's your funeral, I guess. I think she's too emotionally vulnerable right now, but whatever... a month and a week.. I know it isn't long, but I've reflected alot, and learned alot about myself. It still may not be enough time for a fundamental change, but I can positively say something has changed. Who knows, it might be my funeral, but it could also blossom into something entirely different. There isn't an exact guideline for relationships, you can't say it won't work for sure. And if it doesn't work out this time, it'll be clear to both of us and I can truly move on, and hopefully her too. I might be immature for thinking this way, but if it's doomed for sure, I guess I'll have to figure this out on my own, this was my first relationship and obviously BU ever, I can't expect myself to do everything exactly the way it should be done, I'm human, I can make mistakes and forgive myself.
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I'm meeting her tomorrow, despite the advice you gave me. reason for this is: I'm considering taking her back. Read: considering. She left me due to problems of our own, and another guy came along and she decided to go with him, to figure out that she didn't like him that much. If she's able to win my trust back and appologize for what she's done, I might take her back. She hasn't appologized for it yet. We're meeting at my house, my family isn't home. I told her that we're gonna have a fun time by playing on the Wii with Just dance, she can't wait for tomorrow, neither can I. I'm not expecting anything, I'm hoping for it though. I won't get physically close to her tomorrow, I want everything sorted out. If we do end up back together, I want to take things very slow, and keep my guard up before I fall hopelessly in love with her again, I don't want to hit rock bottom again. Just thought I'd share this with all of you, call me stupid for considering taking her back, but I love her, and so does she. it's just hard to forget the problems we had and she left running for another guy instead of fixing them. Also, I don't know if she truly misses ME, or misses a relationship, so I'm very cautious for this. Holy smokes... Good luck, sir
Author Lizrd3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Holy smokes... Good luck, sir Thank you. Could you give me your opinion on this situation? Even if it's negative I'm happy to hear from you
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Thank you. Could you give me your opinion on this situation? Even if it's negative I'm happy to hear from you 100% NC. Learn, grow and move on. This one is done There is one elephant in the room. She chose to 'be with' another guy instead of you. Now, you can justify it and say 'she doesn't like him now. She had GIGS but came around'. But, that doesn't matter. If she was serious about you, there would be no other. None. But, there is another guy, so the equation fails right there... No need to think any further about it. OVER!! 1
Author Lizrd3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 100% NC. Learn, grow and move on. This one is done There is one elephant in the room. She chose to 'be with' another guy instead of you. Now, you can justify it and say 'she doesn't like him now. She had GIGS but came around'. But, that doesn't matter. If she was serious about you, there would be no other. None. But, there is another guy, so the equation fails right there... No need to think any further about it. OVER!! You're right, this bothers me alot, I want to hear her explanation, but really.. I don't think it really matters. I justified it by saying that i was a little clingy, which was true. But I don't think it's justifiyable (if that's a word) Thanks for the input, I'll keep my eyes open and my heart save. But as naive as I am, I'm continueing this meeting. I truly appreciate the input though, but the thoughts of ''what if she truly noticed how much she loves me during our time apart and NC, this could really work out'' just eats at me. I hate myself for having these thoughts, but if I make a mistake now and fall flat on my face, I'll have learned from this experience and never make the same mistake ever again, so I don't think I can lose here.. I feel like people will comment on me saying ''all you do is think about yourself''. So before I get bashed on that, yes, I'm thinking about myself here, but taking her issues into mind aswell. This could turn into something beautiful, or something aweful but still be something to learn from, I think it's a win-win. And pain is only temporary.
McMike Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 Good luck, let us know how it turns out buddy.
strive Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 What's so difficult is that here everyone is so determined to help others stay NC and move on. And it's really the right thing to do. But sometimes people get a chance at reconciliation and it's hard to see if it's genuine or not if people keep telling you to ignore it. I say go for it but keep your cards close to your chest. I think you're strong/healed enough to see if it's a real chance or if she's playing you. Good luck and keep us updated. 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 You're right, this bothers me alot, I want to hear her explanation, but really.. I don't think it really matters. Absolutely correct!!! I truly appreciate the input though, but the thoughts of ''what if she truly noticed how much she loves me during our time apart and NC, this could really work out'' just eats at me. This is ALL you. It's 100% in YOUR head! You will be disappointed!! I hate myself for having these thoughts, but if I make a mistake now and fall flat on my face, I'll have learned from this experience and never make the same mistake ever again, so I don't think I can lose here.. Ok... If that's what will help you. By all means... This could turn into something beautiful, or something aweful but still be something to learn from, I think it's a win-win. And pain is only temporary. Actually, it's a win-lose at best, and a lose-lose in all probability. Again. Good luck, sir Here's a thought. Why not try to benefit from what you are being advised on? Save yourself some pain? 100% NC. Heal. Grow. Learn. 2
Author Lizrd3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 I'll tune in again after the meeting tomorrow, and tell how it went. Thanks for the posts!
Author Lizrd3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 Absolutely correct!!! This is ALL you. It's 100% in YOUR head! You will be disappointed!! Ok... If that's what will help you. By all means... Actually, it's a win-lose at best, and a lose-lose in all probability. Again. Good luck, sir Here's a thought. Why not try to benefit from what you are being advised on? Save yourself some pain? 100% NC. Heal. Grow. Learn. There's a side of me that completely agrees with you, but there's another side that agrees with you but still want to find out what happens when I do continue, that's the curious side of me. I'll tell you how it went tomorrow, thanks for the luck, I'll need it!
mtnbiker3000 Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 I'll tell you how it went tomorrow No need. The outcome has already been played out. We know the ending... 1
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