How I broke NC and feel better about it!

[Lizrd3000]

so my ex dumped me a month and 5 days ago, felt like total **** in the first few weeks, managed to pull myself back together somehow, also suffered depression and whatnot.

 

Anyways, I decided to contact her today to see how she's holding up (she hated to break up with me too, things were not working out) and she was depressed, suicidal.

 

she goes to therapy now, and going to get anti depressants (the same kind i take, like i suggested!)

 

anyways, during our whatsapp conversation, i acted very laid back (as I am) and kept my cool and made her laugh! (she's depressed, I made her laugh, yay!)

 

things were going okay, untill she asked me this question.

"I acted cruel before our break up and after it, but this is a stupid question, i know, just say anything you want, but would you want a relationship with me again?''

 

To which I answered

 

''right now? no. I'm happy where I'm at right now, I became a better person, thanks to you, maybe if you didn't act so cold I wouldn't have become like this, so I'm thankful, no anger, don't worry. I started dancing again, and I'm really looking forward to it all''

 

it was complete honesty, and I feel good that I contacted her, I feel like power has been shared equally now, maybe even more in my hands now, which I deserve.

 

 

Honestly, NC is for healing, but sometimes breaking NC with a good mindset works wonders too.

 

Just wanted to share this, thank you LS!

[CharlieKitty]

Thank you so much for sharing this!

 

I feel you have to be in the right mindset if you decide to break NC. You don't want to go in there, here awful things, and fall right back where you were.

 

I am also giving this great consideration, but first, I need to have me in a better place emotionally. Getting there bit by bit every day. I know my relationship wasn't as bad as my ex made it out to be. He has his issues, just like yours had hers. Doesn't mean either of us are bad people, it just means things need to be worked through, either together or separate.

 

Great for you!!!

[CharlieKitty]

I didn't see it as he just wanted his ego stroked and kicked her while she was down. Not at all. He wasn't mean to her, he was honest, which a lot of us never received just the BU and **silence**. Great she is working through her issues, so did he, maybe one day they may get the chance to go at it again when both of them are in better places. jmo

[Lizrd3000]

So you contacted your ex who is having a rough time to reiterate that you didn't want to date her, along with accepting the ego stroke of "making her laugh". You did this with the knowledge that she it's emotionally fragile. You expressed her faults to her, whilst knowing that she is unwell. Basically, you kicked her while she was down, to make yourself feel better.

 

Real nice.

 

She said she was afraid of contacting me, I knew this through mutual friends.

obviously I'm not so stupid to get an ego boost when i know it hurts her.

 

She is lonely, she told me this when we were in LC and I was suffering, so I knew this.

 

She said she was so happy I finally contacted her after 2 weeks of NC. She said I'm one of the few people (1/2) who understands her, so talking to me was such a relief.

 

You act like I'm doing this for my sake. you couldn't be more wrong.

I was hurt, and talking to her was good, so was it for her.

It wasn't an act for my ego, I love her, she loves me, but things are holding us down to have a relationship together, she knows this too.. this was the reason SHE broke up with ME.

 

I'm not the bad guy here man, if you read my other posts you'd know this.

[Zahara]

To which I answered

 

''right now? no. I'm happy where I'm at right now, I became a better person, thanks to you, maybe if you didn't act so cold I wouldn't have become like this, so I'm thankful, no anger, don't worry. I started dancing again, and I'm really looking forward to it all''

 

it was complete honesty, and I feel good that I contacted her, I feel like power has been shared equally now, maybe even more in my hands now, which I deserve.!

 

Feels good because it gave you the satisfaction of crushing her. I'm sure you felt avenged.

 

And to think you called her to genuinely see how she was feeling. Knowing she's emotionally and mentally fragile, you resorted to a low blow. Take the high road next time.

[Lizrd3000]

Feels good because it have you the satisfaction of crushing her. I'm sure you felt avenged.

 

And to think you called her to genuinely see how she was feeling. Knowing she's emotionally and mentally fragile, you resorted to a low blow. Take the high road next time.

DUDE, what's up with you people? why are you so bitter?

 

She was suffering because she has no one to talk to about her issues, besides her girlfriend who doesn't have all her time available for her, and me and her girlfriend are just different.

 

I CONTACTED HER BECAUSE I WAS SUFFERING, AND SO WAS SHE.

I didn't crush her, I helped her.

 

Whatever, I decided to share my story, interpret it in any way you'd like, but you're just making up stories here.

 

I helped her out, I helped myself out. that's how it went. Good day.

[mtnbiker3000]

Please report back with your feelings in 1 day and 1 week... You may feel differently.

[Zahara]

DUDE, what's up with you people? why are you so bitter?

 

She was suffering because she has no one to talk to about her issues, besides her girlfriend who doesn't have all her time available for her, and me and her girlfriend are just different.

 

I CONTACTED HER BECAUSE I WAS SUFFERING, AND SO WAS SHE.

I didn't crush her, I helped her.

 

Whatever, I decided to share my story, interpret it in any way you'd like, but you're just making up stories here.

 

I helped her out, I helped myself out. that's how it went. Good day.

 

Not bitter. Just smart enough to see that you response to HER was bitter.

 

If you know she was suffering and I am sure you know it was very difficult for her to put herself out there and ask you for another chance, why would you respond that way? She didn't ask you if being a cold and ****ty person made a better man. She asked if you would try again. The kind thing to do, seeing how much she has been suffering was to just say, "I'm sorry things ended the way they did and we know that getting back together could never work. I think this is the best for both of us."

 

Instead you went off on your "how great my life is thanks to to your ****ty attitude." If anyone came off bitter, it was you with that immature, passive, jab at you response.

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm guessing your feelings about the effectiveness of this contact change once you come down from your contact high.

[Lizrd3000]

Not bitter. Just smart enough to see that you response to HER was bitter.

 

If you know she was suffering and I am sure you know it was very difficult for her to put herself out there and ask you for another chance, why would you respond that way? She didn't ask you if being a cold and ****ty person made a better man. She asked if you would try again. The kind thing to do, seeing how much she has been suffering was to just say, "I'm sorry things ended the way they did and we know that getting back together could never work. I think this is the best for both of us."

 

Instead you went off on your "how great my life is thanks to to your ****ty attitude." If anyone came off bitter, it was you with that immature, passive, jab at you response.

I asked her back several times during LC, not directly but subtle. she denied everytime.

 

her asking this wasn't to get back together, atleast I don't think it was.

She also had another dude when she broke it off with me, I don't think she really wants us back together again, she made it SO clear to me it wouldn't work out.

 

I'm sorry, english isnt my first language and writing isn't really my ''thing''. but to be honest, what I did wasn't immature or damaging towards her, it was honest and and direct. period.

[Lizrd3000]

this might be a weird stupid question but (okay this is ****ing creapy) (don't think too much about it) (just the first thing that pops up in your mind) do you want a relationship with me again?

(it's just a question)

 

 

does this really count for a get-back-together message..?

 

(translated from dutch to english..)

[TaraMaiden]

The title of this thread, is:

 

"How I broke NC and feel better about it!"

 

Tell me, can you, for sure for sure, honestly, hand-on-heart, stipulate without any shadow of a doubt - That SHE feels better about it?

 

Or could it possibly in hindsight, actually made her feel just as bad, if not worse?

 

That's why your contacting her, and responding the way you did, was actually selfish and probably brutal.

From her point of view.

 

See?

[TaraMaiden]

this might be a weird stupid question but (okay this is ****ing creapy) (don't think too much about it) (just the first thing that pops up in your mind) do you want a relationship with me again?

(it's just a question)

 

 

does this really count for a get-back-together message..?

 

(translated from dutch to english..)

 

No, not really.

 

Read the No Contact link in my signature as to why that is.

[Zahara]

I asked her back several times during LC, not directly but subtle. she denied everytime.

 

her asking this wasn't to get back together, atleast I don't think it was.

She also had another dude when she broke it off with me, I don't think she really wants us back together again, she made it SO clear to me it wouldn't work out.

 

I'm sorry, english isnt my first language and writing isn't really my ''thing''. but to be honest, what I did wasn't immature or damaging towards her, it was honest and and direct. period.

 

There it is. I'd rather you just be honest and say she rejected me several times and this was my way of giving it back to her. You know your own motives.

 

Don't come off pretending that you were concerned about her suffering because when you are concerned about someone's suffering you don't say things that you know is potentially hurting and damaging, especially when that person is mentally and emotionally broken.

[mtnbiker3000]

Tara where have you been? I haven't seen you here in a while

 

Need to read your input on more of these threads!!

[reddragon588]

You always feel better in the short term after breaking NC. A drug addict also feels good after relapsing. It's not about the immediate after, it's the long term.

[Lizrd3000]

The title of this thread, is:

 

"How I broke NC and feel better about it!"

 

Tell me, can you, for sure for sure, honestly, hand-on-heart, stipulate without any shadow of a doubt - That SHE feels better about it?

 

Or could it possibly in hindsight, actually made her feel just as bad, if not worse?

 

That's why your contacting her, and responding the way you did, was actually selfish and probably brutal.

From her point of view.

 

See?

She told me she felt better.. so I think so?

I just protected my heart from possible hurt, you're totally forgetting I'm hurting too. I contacted her for her sake more than for mine, if she wasn't depressed and suicidal I wouldn't have dared to contact her, for MY sake.

 

She TOLD me she feels better now, what possible other sign is there to give..?

 

We're meeting up next week to talk as friends, suggested by her.

She needs some advice on these anti depressants and how I dealt with it.

I'm going to help HER out. I'm protecting myself though, I'm not expecting anything to happen, I don't even want anything to happen, I know she knows it's best not to get back together either, that's why she dumped me in the first place..

 

If it really does seem bitter and selfish, excuse me. But the way she reacted and all doesn't seem like I damaged her.

 

We talked for 45 minutes on whatsapp, obviously I can't give you all the things we've told eachother, but I think I know I helped her out, and myself.

[Lizrd3000]

Christ. You're encouraging a dependence on you and you have no intention of getting back with her. She'll be crushed one she realises she can't win you back.

 

This train wreck is getting uglier by the minute...

 

Myself, myself, myself. This is all about you.

I really just do not understand where you're coming from.. I'm TRYING to understand you, but I just don't.

 

She doesn't want me back.

 

I'm trying to help her out here, no other motives. I don't need an ego boost, I never tried this. I already felt OK before contacting her, why would I do this if I was on the right track?

My only motive was to help her out, I don't want a dead ExGF.

 

Please help me understand where I'm going wrong, I want to understand you, I just don't.

[TaraMaiden]

She told me she felt better.. so I think so?

I just protected my heart from possible hurt, you're totally forgetting I'm hurting too. I contacted her for her sake more than for mine, if she wasn't depressed and suicidal I wouldn't have dared to contact her, for MY sake.

 

She TOLD me she feels better now, what possible other sign is there to give..?

 

We're meeting up next week to talk as friends, suggested by her.

She needs some advice on these anti depressants and how I dealt with it.

I'm going to help HER out. I'm protecting myself though, I'm not expecting anything to happen, I don't even want anything to happen, I know she knows it's best not to get back together either, that's why she dumped me in the first place..

 

If it really does seem bitter and selfish, excuse me. But the way she reacted and all doesn't seem like I damaged her.

 

We talked for 45 minutes on whatsapp, obviously I can't give you all the things we've told eachother, but I think I know I helped her out, and myself.

 

Stop.

 

Cancel this meeting.

 

She needs to do this on her own, and you need to let her.

 

The very catalyst for her depression is going to appear at her side and offer help.

 

You still love her, so you have an agenda.

 

These are totally the wrong foundations upon which to build a friendship.

 

You need to let her work through this on her own. Interference (disguised as support) will only inhibit and impede her progress.

 

You need to let this go.

The only time friendship should be a consideration, is when you feel benign indifference towards her.

 

Have you read the no Contact Guide?

 

You really should....

 

Hi Guys!!

 

I have been really busy!

[Lizrd3000]

Stop.

 

Cancel this meeting.

 

She needs to do this on her own, and you need to let her.

 

The very catalyst for her depression is going to appear at her side and offer help.

 

You still love her, so you have an agenda.

 

These are totally the wrong foundations upon which to build a friendship.

 

You need to let her work through this on her own. Interference (disguised as support) will only inhibit and impede her progress.

 

You need to let this go.

The only time friendship should be a consideration, is when you feel benign indifference towards her.

 

Have you read the no Contact Guide?

 

You really should....

 

Hi Guys!!

 

I have been really busy!

 

Thank you, someone who cares to tell me something besides telling me I'm a total douchebag.

 

She initiated this meeting though, she's lonely.

Is canceling this meeting really the smart thing to do here?

[Never Again]

The best thing you could have done was maintain NC. You didn't do that. You should have just left her alone. What you did was unnecessary and unfair. And cruel.

 

Please be sure from now on to leave her alone. Hopefully, that will minimise the damage.

 

OP, aspiringuitarheroine is right - you should have maintained NC. I'm not going to call you a jerk, but frankly, your intentions honestly don't matter.

 

There's that whole "the road to hell is paved with..." yada yada for a reason.

 

Many people who are heartbroken, even dumpers, do their best to cover it up.

 

Normally, I wouldn't give two sh*ts about a dumpee telling a dumper off. Happens all the time, and sometimes (rarely!) it legitimately is a good thing.

 

However, this girl is emotionally fragile.

 

Even if you meant well, or were trying to be honest...hell, even if she doesn't ever want you back...she needs needs to find stability, and she needs to find it on her own.

 

You need to back off or you risk impeding her personal growth. Hers is just as important as yours, no?

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes, this whole thing is a complete trainwreck. It's time for you to put a stop to it since you started it up foolishly.

[xUnknown]

She initiated this meeting though, she's lonely.

Is canceling this meeting really the smart thing to do here?

 

I 100% agree with Tara. (read through the whole thread). I too feel like your contacting her came off as a bit of an ego boost for yourself. Read the message back to yourself a few times. At first I didn't think much of it, then read it a few more and thought, wow, that sounds kind of sarcastic and aggressive "Thanks to you...I'm better, because of your bitter attitude..ect ect". If she still cares about you, I'm sure she re-read that message, probably more than 5 times -...what do you think she is going to think after she re-reads it.

 

Shes depressed, shes trying to rely on you. Shes hurting. She can't love herself and be happy alone, shes dependent on you (I'm struggling with overcoming this with my ex). She's lonely, but she has to learn to make herself happy and overcome the depression. If she relies on you to be there - what happens when you're not?? She'll just fall back into it again. Its tough, and as much as I want to reach out to see how my ex is doing (because I know she is hurting too...), I don't - because I know

A)It will just confuse the hell out of my feelings more, 2) Set me back again from where I was right after we broke up - an emotional wreck D)Because it isn't what would be best for her and her feelings(or myself).

 

She broke up with me, she's going through the same hurt. Shes making progress I'm sure. But by me reaching out (just like she would reach out to me), it will only set her back. Just like your ex. You're hurting her and making her dependent when she doesn't and CAN'T be - from what you said about her medical/depression/suicidal history.

 

Please do your best and don't contact her. Not even as friends. You'll only hurt yourself and hurt her more. You don't see it now, but re-read this thread a few times, give it a few more days. Soak up all the info and opinions here.

[Mariposa10]

OP, you're super young, you're 18, right? I just checked one of your old threads. This is your first love! Everything will be fine, you just need to keep your distance from this girl. BOTH of you, not just her need to heal on your own.

 

I would also advise you to cancel the meeting.

 

Good luck, learn from your mistakes that way you'll be ready for your next serious relationship.

 

Wish you the best.

[AnyaNova]

Maybe I am just odd, but I really feel like the OP can't win here. And it almost seems a little sexist to me

 

Somehow because he's male, even thigh SHE dumped him and even though she wasn't really asking, he is supposed to not be directly honest and mollycoddle her.

 

But I strongly suspect that if he had he'd be getting hung ou to dry for sacrificing his dignity to his dumper.

 

I'm not saying that he was the most tactful, perhaps, but the one thing that would be worse than anything would be lying, pretending or being false to spare her feelings. People in her spot can sense that really easily, and they hate it with a passion.