Socalidude20 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I had a relationship with a MM 2 years ago. He worked with my dad. He was a real family guy type seemingly he'd been married 5 years he was a habitual cheater and I felt no guilt because it seemed like if it was not with me it would be with someone else. I never felt like I loved him or anything the relationship was mostly about sex. The most regret I have about it was that my family found out and it messed up my relationship with my bf. but at the same time I never really didn't want to be with the same guy I kind of needed to be single. I learned my lesson though because of the consequences I got afterwards but idk if I regret it ever happening as I did grow and learn from my mistakes.
bentleychic Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 In my experience and from what I've read here, no it's not usual to feel no guilt.
Author Socalidude20 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 Wasn't* Maybe it's because of the type of mm idk.
whereamigoing Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I felt plenty of guilt during the affair with xMM. I also felt plenty of other things which is why the affair continued. I feel guilt now for the part I play in their divorce but that's just one part of the story. 2
solostand Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I was able to suppress MOST feelings of guilt until my MM of one year had a near death experience. He told me about his wife crying and crying in the intensive care room and yelling at him not to die. Now I walk around with a HUGE ball of guilt and pain in the middle of my chest. Guilt for what I have been doing to this innocent woman. 2
solostand Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Well I dont deserve a halo just yet. He is still in hospital, still phoning me twice a day, still saying ILY. I have visited him and he acts exactly the same towards me. Kisses, hugs, et cetera. I really thought this would rattle him, but he seems full steam ahead on the A. I am waiting until he gets out of hospital to have a serious discussion.
ComingInHot Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 and what did you learn from this mistake you don't regret and how did you grow from it?*
crederer Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 If you don't feel guilty about it, it's probably because: a) you're a sociopath and only care about yourself or b) you believed the lies he's been telling you. Just my opinion, I don't know how you couldn't feel bad about it.
Author Socalidude20 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 I was able to suppress MOST feelings of guilt until my MM of one year had a near death experience. He told me about his wife crying and crying in the intensive care room and yelling at him not to die. Now I walk around with a HUGE ball of guilt and pain in the middle of my chest. Guilt for what I have been doing to this innocent woman. For me my guilt stemmed from hOw I treated my then bf like ****. And it all just being for guys that weren't worth it and didn't love me. By the time I missed what I had it was way too late we'd been broken up and he'd found a girl that could treat him right. But we'd had plans to get married at 18 before all this had happened. He was perfect but I just couldn't see myself with the same guy forever. I was only 16 when it started and I just felt I couldn't commit but I didn't actually want to admit it. Because I felt guilt like he was everything I was supposed to love yet I didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship. However, like I said considering I wasn't at the time ready for the type of relationship I was in it's better it ended than not ending and living in misery. I felt a lot of guilt for cheating and regret but it's like it wasn't going to work anyhow. That's how I found solace instead of continuously hating myself. I guess to me it was my responsibility to not cheat on him repeatedly. At the time, though, I had my own needs and issues and I was selfish for that. But once he dumped me a year later. I felt a lot lighter initially and I was just free to do whatever. I didn't feel I was ruining his family because really I wasn't he was cheating with other girls anyhow. And he wasn't the only one I was with either so I felt like it was open relationship she knew but was acting like she didn't. It's just after it was found out a lot of those in our community really hated me called me a whore home wrecker. I went to college soon and never been back home. But I can guarantee you before during and after our sexual relationship he was with other girls. That's I guess the difference because I felt we weren't ruining his wife or family more he was doing this because that's what he constantly did. It's just like I never blamed him or any of the other guys I was involved with while I was still in a relationship. I guess that's why as the Other Person I didn't feel so guilty over it.
Summer Breeze Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I didn't feel guilty about the A at all. I'm not a sociopath and he didn't lie to me. I was completely up front with the people in my life about the A and I hid nothing. I set out how I expected to be treated in our R and made it clear I had nothing to hide from anyone therefore I wouldn't hide anything. I had no reason to interact with his BS until ddays and when we did interact I was probably more honest about things than she was. I think all of that stemmed from me being a BS in my 20s. My xH cheated and I ended the M. It never dawned on me to place any blame on his OW. He crushed me and he was the one who I blamed and held responsible. I didn't see the sense of blaming someone else for his actions, to me that would have been transferring anger and responsibility onto someone else. Maybe that's why I didn't feel guilty, DMM was a big boy and made his decisions just like I did. Because I don't feel guilty doesn't mean I don't empathize with his xW and she and I have had some really interesting conversations about it in the recent past. I'm not one to spin guilt out of nothing and carry it with me. I feel guilty about plenty in my life and when I do it's more than worthy of me hauling it around. 2
Author Socalidude20 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 and what did you learn from this mistake you don't regret and how did you grow from it?* To admit when I can't do something like commit to a relationship. And let it get to that point. We built our relationship on honesty trust and no secrets and I broke all that down because I felt too ashamed and selfish I could have done things differently so I'd not have cheated, As far as the MM I kind of was just waiting around for it to fall through. It's not a good idea to habitually sleep with an MM. I wouldn't do it again in this day if given the chance.
Author Socalidude20 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 If you don't feel guilty about it, it's probably because: a) you're a sociopath and only care about yourself or b) you believed the lies he's been telling you. Just my opinion, I don't know how you couldn't feel bad about it. What? Lol no he didn't tell me anything to think poorly of her. And no I am not a sociopath. It's just like to me some things need to happen so you can look back and see where you went wrong and why and you later realize it was a lost cause to begin with so you accept it.
Author Socalidude20 Posted November 8, 2013 Author Posted November 8, 2013 I didn't feel guilty about the A at all. I'm not a sociopath and he didn't lie to me. I was completely up front with the people in my life about the A and I hid nothing. I set out how I expected to be treated in our R and made it clear I had nothing to hide from anyone therefore I wouldn't hide anything. I had no reason to interact with his BS until ddays and when we did interact I was probably more honest about things than she was. I think all of that stemmed from me being a BS in my 20s. My xH cheated and I ended the M. It never dawned on me to place any blame on his OW. He crushed me and he was the one who I blamed and held responsible. I didn't see the sense of blaming someone else for his actions, to me that would have been transferring anger and responsibility onto someone else. Maybe that's why I didn't feel guilty, DMM was a big boy and made his decisions just like I did. Because I don't feel guilty doesn't mean I don't empathize with his xW and she and I have had some really interesting conversations about it in the recent past. I'm not one to spin guilt out of nothing and carry it with me. I feel guilty about plenty in my life and when I do it's more than worthy of me hauling it around. THIS is exactly my take on A's. I feel the cheater did it so he's responsible for his obligation to his wife/husband. But what is a BS? 1
CanJanus Posted November 9, 2013 Posted November 9, 2013 If you don't feel guilty about it, it's probably because: a) you're a sociopath and only care about yourself or b) you believed the lies he's been telling you. There have been no lies, no future promises made. I'm pretty sure I'm not a sociopath. I just don't believe in lifelong monogamy. I don't feel guilty at all. I strongly prefer not to get caught, since that would complicate the relationship, but a preference for secrecy is not equivalent to guilt.
Author Socalidude20 Posted November 9, 2013 Author Posted November 9, 2013 I was only secretive about my relationship because I knew how my parents would react. And plus I was a lot younger. Otherwise I'd have likely been more open about it. Because seriously had no shame or any feelings besides when I was in a relationship with my ex. My friends actually knew well one of them did.
cocorico Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I think whether or not you feel guilt depends on both your personal values, and the circumstances of your R. I don't regard a wedding ring as some radioactive "keep out" sign. I believe available is as available does, and if a MP places so little value on their commitment to another that they choose to make themselves available, then their M is of no greater value to me than it is to them. So no, availing myself of a consenting, willing, adult MP is not against my values, and so I do not and did not feel guilt because of that. In addition, the circumstances of my A were such that I had every reason to believe the BW placed little value on the m herself. Apart from treating her H poorly and conducting her life separately - to the extent that several people who knew them, including former housemates, had no idea they were "together" - she was also on record as saying that M meant nothing to her, that she was only doing it for tax reasons, that monogamy was unnatural, that she could not care less if her H was faithful as long as he was "loyal", and she was herself an unrepentant former WS. For someone whose discourse and behaviour was so consistently ant-M and anti-fidelity, it seemed natural (to me) that she meant what she said. (So the subsequent discovery that she had one set of standards for herself, and one for everyone else, came as a surprise. ) 1
dichotomy Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I don't have the statistical basis to claim its usual - only one personal experience - it (lack of guilt) does happen. It can also change later (guilt after fog lifts) and distance/time from the relationship.
Author Socalidude20 Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 I think whether or not you feel guilt depends on both your personal values, and the circumstances of your R. I don't regard a wedding ring as some radioactive "keep out" sign. I believe available is as available does, and if a MP places so little value on their commitment to another that they choose to make themselves available, then their M is of no greater value to me than it is to them. So no, availing myself of a consenting, willing, adult MP is not against my values, and so I do not and did not feel guilt because of that. In addition, the circumstances of my A were such that I had every reason to believe the BW placed little value on the m herself. Apart from treating her H poorly and conducting her life separately - to the extent that several people who knew them, including former housemates, had no idea they were "together" - she was also on record as saying that M meant nothing to her, that she was only doing it for tax reasons, that monogamy was unnatural, that she could not care less if her H was faithful as long as he was "loyal", and she was herself an unrepentant former WS. For someone whose discourse and behaviour was so consistently ant-M and anti-fidelity, it seemed natural (to me) that she meant what she said. (So the subsequent discovery that she had one set of standards for herself, and one for everyone else, came as a surprise. ) Personally that is exactly how my exBw
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