Need some more help and advice - ready to call it a day?

[sylviaguardian]

Some of you will remember from a post I wrote a while ago. Basically, the story is this: My h had an emotional affair with a co-worker for about 18 months (as far as I know). He hid it really well although he got caught out a few times (e.g. coming home smelling of perfume after he had hugged her). He managed to lie his way out and I believed him.

 

After I found a text message from her he stopped the texting (they were texting and phoning up to 15x per day). It took another two miserable months for him to finally admit that they had left work to go for walks and had hugged and kissed a couple of times. I do believe him that nothing else happened. I finally got him to realise that he could have no contact with her at all and he told her that.

 

OK, so you are thinking that this doesn't sound too bad. It's been six months now and I am not over it in any way. I am so messed up inside by the way he lied to me and deceived me. I have lost all respect for him. We went to counselling but in a way it made things worse becasue the counsellor asked him a lot of questions about the OW which I couldn't bear to hear.

 

My h still sees the OW occasionally at work. We cannot afford for him to give up his job as he would be unable to get another in his area and we would basically starve! It bothers me that I can stop him texting etc but of course, if there are still feelings there I can do nothing about that.

 

I am still so angry at him all the time. He was to move on and has said he will change but I'm not sure that he can. I don't see how someone who had no respect for his wife's feelings can just 'change'. The worst thing is that a previous b\f of 6 years cheated on me. He knew about this and how much it messed me up inside and he still did the same.

 

I am so angry too that she has got off with this and still has her marriage intact whilst mine is crumbling. I've often threated to tell her husband and my h said that if I do that he would have as much respect for me as I do for him at the moment. I feel like he is protecting her.

 

At the moment I have one good day and six bad days. The constant arguing is affecting the children and it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. Anytime I do feel closer to him and let him in, the next day I just feel so resentful that he's put me in this position.

 

Yesterday was a bad day. I bought my h something for christmas, to wear to work and I thought I was a total mug because it's just going to make her think how attractive he is. My h phoned through the day and when I told him that I was feeling really down he said J****! in an annoyed way. No sympathy there then.

 

Now I am wondering what I should do. We had a pretty good marriage (or so I thought) and he is a great dad. We've always worked together well as a family. I don't want my kids to grow up without a dad.

 

I am so fed up with this that I'm now considering asking him to leave. My other option was to stay together but detach myself from him so I wouldn't be so angry all the time. I figured we could go on as we were before (i.e. a good family but not great as a couple) but I would at least not be thinking that every thing was great. I would know exactly how much respect he has for me and I would be looking for another relationship at some point.

 

I just don't know anymore. This just seemed to have wrecked the feelings that I had for him. Is it time to call it a day. Advice would be appreciated.

 

Sylvia

[Ladyjane14]

I've only got a minute this morning Sylvia. So please forgive the brevity.

 

Are you journaling? If not, consider keeping 2 journals. One for venting which you will keep private. The other for sharing, which both you and your husband can post in. It helps to get it all out and keep it from swimming around in your head all day. You need to stop bringing it up everyday in conversation. That becomes detrimental after awhile.

 

Also, think about active trust as a verb, something that you do everyday.

 

Try to remind yourself daily that you have chosen forgiveness, and that it's unfair to give it, and then take it back.

 

I know how hard it is to get over a betrayal. But you can't allow the insecurity to get the better of you. It will destroy the marriage if you don't get it under control soon.

 

{{{{{Sylvia}}}}}....hugs.

[murasaki]

Hi sylviaguardian,

 

I can only imagine how much pain you must be going through, I'm sorry you've had to go through it at all. I think that Ladyjane has made a very good point: if you've made the decision to forgive you must find a way to forget, at least to the extent that the affair isn't a chronic dark cloud over your head. That's not good for you, your marriage, or your family ... and ultimately isn't fair to your husband, although that's kind of a secondary concern, in a way.

 

I look at it like this: when people cheat, it's either because there's a genuine problem in their primary relationship, or they've got a fundamentally flawed character. I realize that in most cases it might be a little bit of both -- not everyone with a problematic relationship cheats, for example -- but I think that in the aftermath you need to reach an understanding: did this occur because somehow you and your husband had drifted into an unsatisfying relationship and that made him ripe for cheating (in other words, the affair was largely a function of circumstances), or did this happen because your husband is incapable of being a faithful, emotionally mature person?

 

If you conclude it's the latter, you probably can't stay with him. If you conclude it's the former, and you and he have explored and discussed the faultlines and know that you can improve your relationship so that the conditions won't be repeated, then you've got a shot at making it work -- but you need to be able to let him move forward with you. You can't hold him in perpetual contempt, and you shouldn't, really, if you've concluded that this was a mistake, a bad mistake, but not an indictment of his entire character. You have to decide if you can trust him, and as Ladyjane says, that's going to be an active choice at first.

 

But "forgiving" someone and then expecting them to live in perpetual purgatory isn't a good idea -- not for you (you're still miserable) and not for your husband.

 

The journaling idea might be a good one, although I wonder if it would just help you keep your pain and resentment alive. I'm not saying you should suppress your pain, but it seems like you need to be able to reach an understanding about who you are in your marriage, why your husband has chosen to stay with you (because he loves you, not just for the kids, etc.), what you want for your life. Maybe going to individual counseling would help.

 

Take care, and keep posting here!

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

 

Are you journaling? If not, consider keeping 2 journals. One for venting which you will keep private. The other for sharing, which both you and your husband can post in. It helps to get it all out and keep it from swimming around in your head all day. You need to stop bringing it up everyday in conversation. That becomes detrimental after awhile.

 

Try to remind yourself daily that you have chosen forgiveness, and that it's unfair to give it, and then take it back.

 

 

{{{{{Sylvia}}}}}....hugs.

 

LadyJane,

You are so right about the journal - I should do that. And the idea about the shared journal is good.

 

My problem is that I have not chosed forgiveness. I feel like I haven't really decided yet

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by murasaki

 

if you've made the decision to forgive you must find a way to forget, at least to the extent that the affair isn't a chronic dark cloud over your head. That's not good for you, your marriage, or your family ... and ultimately isn't fair to your husband, although that's kind of a secondary concern, in a way.

 

I look at it like this: when people cheat, it's either because there's a genuine problem in their primary relationship, or they've got a fundamentally flawed character.

If you conclude it's the former, and you and he have explored and discussed the faultlines and know that you can improve your relationship so that the conditions won't be repeated, then you've got a shot at making it work -- but you need to be able to let him move forward with you. You can't hold him in perpetual contempt, and you shouldn't, really, if you've concluded that this was a mistake, a bad mistake, but not an indictment of his entire character.

 

But "forgiving" someone and then expecting them to live in perpetual purgatory isn't a good idea -- not for you (you're still miserable) and not for your husband.

 

 

Goddamit - you lot always give such good advice! You are right I am totally miserable, my h is totally miserable. It can't go on...

 

i don't think my h has a totally flawed character (he managed to stay faithfull for the previous 7 years - as far as I know!) but I do think there's a bit of an ego problem going on. I accept that there must have been a problem in the marriage but I really don't know what it was and he says he thought everything was ok too. Sigh, I just wish he would talk a bit more.

 

Anyhow, thanks for the constructive comments. Shall mull them over further.. Just feels so good to get a perspective on it from so who knows.

 

Sylvia

[veronese]

Hi sylvia,

 

I know how you're feeling and it's totally crap!

 

I very nearly called it quits at exactly the same point as you are at now. The never ending doubts and insecurities became so overwhelming that the thought of living in such a confused mental state appeared to be masochistic at the very least. I ended up telling him I wanted out...

 

You're having yet another bloody horrible week sylvia, but there's every chance you are about to turn a corner in the healing process. I am now at the 8 month mark and can promise you that despite ongoing bumps in our journey, I'm a lot saner now (well, marginally saner if I'm honest!) than I was two months ago.

 

Baby, I can't tell you what you should do, I don't even know what I should do!! But remember that when marriages go through the problems we've encountered this year, the consensus of opinion is that it takes at least two years to repair the damage, that is, if BOTH spouses have that objective in mind.

 

It's true we shouldn't be beating up on our husbands indefinitely, our marriages will eventually collapse under the pressure.

 

Just hang on in there for today, tomorrow may put a whole new perspective on things.

 

Big hugs gorgeous

 

V xx

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks doll - I need a big hug. Sigh..I'm going to go home now and not think about it anymore. So tired of thinking about it.

 

Catch you all later,

Syl

[holden]

i understand ur pain sylvia. i am going through the same thing. i caught my wife trying to cheat and we are trying to mend things now. trouble is, it seems to me that I have not healed, I have not got adequate closure on the episode whereas everyone else is moving on. My wife wants to move on, the other guy has moved on but i am still hurt and noone seems to care about that.

 

i know you are angry all the time because you feel helpless . u feel although u can check text messages u cant monitor his whole life . and this makes u upset. i am similarly upset frequently too.

 

what i suggest is something i am trying to do myself. try not to think about it . i know its tough but keep urself busy. as soon as u start dwelling on it, call up some fried of yours and chat with that person for sometime (1/2 hour at least) about stuff other than this realtionship. talk about anything else. try not to be idle and keep urself busy .

 

also try talking to your husband . tell him that u feel insecure and that u need extra attention from him right now. tell him that you are healing and you need affirmation of his love every single moment. i am sure your husband will understand.

 

and always remember this - you are a strong person . you have proved this already by trying to hold the marriage together. you could also have tried and done something similar as some sort of revenge. instead you are for the kids and for your husband. you are a better person and thats what differentiates u from others. keep calm , it will pass. there will still be moments of doubt and bad days sometimes but they will gradually start becoming less and less frequent. believe in yourself, your strength will see you though.

 

take care.

[Joyce]

Sylvia,

 

You have every right to feel the way you. You will never forget but will take time for your heart to forgive. You have worked so hard for the last six months.. don't give up now. The bad days or weeks are terrible. It will get easier and it will be worth it!! Hang in there... it's a rough ride but you are strong and you can handle it.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by holden

i understand ur pain sylvia. i am going through the same thing. i caught my wife trying to cheat and we are trying to mend things now. trouble is, it seems to me that I have not healed, I have not got adequate closure on the episode whereas everyone else is moving on. My wife wants to move on, the other guy has moved on but i am still hurt and noone seems to care about that.

 

i know you are angry all the time because you feel helpless . u feel although u can check text messages u cant monitor his whole life . and this makes u upset. i am similarly upset frequently too.

 

what i suggest is something i am trying to do myself. try not to think about it . i know its tough but keep urself busy. as soon as u start dwelling on it, call up some fried of yours and chat with that person for sometime (1/2 hour at least) about stuff other than this realtionship. talk about anything else. try not to be idle and keep urself busy .

 

also try talking to your husband . tell him that u feel insecure and that u need extra attention from him right now. tell him that you are healing and you need affirmation of his love every single moment. i am sure your husband will understand.

 

and always remember this - you are a strong person . you have proved this already by trying to hold the marriage together. you could also have tried and done something similar as some sort of revenge. instead you are for the kids and for your husband. you are a better person and thats what differentiates u from others. keep calm , it will pass. there will still be moments of doubt and bad days sometimes but they will gradually start becoming less and less frequent. believe in yourself, your strength will see you though.

 

take care.

 

Thank you for your kind words. i do try to keep busy but like you, I feel nothing has been resolved. And you're right I just feel so helpless. I can understand that my h wants to move on and forget things but I feel like that won't stop it happening again in the future.

 

You are right that I have never done anything in revenge but I have thought about it many, many times! Sometimes I wish that I could perform voodoo. I would like the OW to have to slip in dog **** everyday for the rest of her life!

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by Joyce

Sylvia,

 

You have every right to feel the way you. You will never forget but will take time for your heart to forgive. You have worked so hard for the last six months.. don't give up now. The bad days or weeks are terrible. It will get easier and it will be worth it!! Hang in there... it's a rough ride but you are strong and you can handle it.

 

Thanks Joyce - you are such a sweetie! How are things with you?

 

Syl

[Joyce]

This week has been much better. In fact I asked my H the other day if he was ready to burst because he holds all of his emotions in. He said that he doesn't think about it anymore. That the reason why he didn't want details was because he didn't want them repeating in his mind. He said he is moving on and he wants me to too. He said we have a choice whether to dwell on what we should have done or could have done differently or we can choose to move forward. He told me that he knows I am a good person with a big heart he feels lucky to be married to me.

 

My H is my inspiration. It still blows me away that I am the one having a hard time and he is picking me up when I am the one that had an affair. I was so wrong thinking I could find someone else and be better off. No one can ever even come close in comparison.

 

Thanks for asking Sylvia. I wish things were going better for you. You said you fight a lot. Is it because of the affair? Or is it the anger coming out because of it?

[Joyce]

Are things going any better for you today Sylvia?

[sylviaguardian]

Hi Joyce,

 

You are lucky to have a husband like that. He must be a really big man. I know what he means about not wanting the details - they do just go round and round in your head all the time. I'm glad to hear that things sound OK with you.

 

I am having a rough time just now - just fed up with the constant arguing and feeling angry all the time. On Thursday when I came home I wrote a letter to my husband explaining why I felt things were not moving forward and I printed a letter off the Dear Peggy site which explains why the injured party needs to keep asking questions. it explained it much better than I could. He said he cried when he read it and that he would respond - but not that night. That made me angry as I feel like he is keeping all the control.

 

Anyway, it's Sat night and i still have no response. I am not angry anymore. I am resigned to the fact that he cannot or will not communicate with me and I don't want any more arguments. Until I get some sort of committment from him that this relationship is worth working on, I won't do anything either.

 

Sigh..Sorry if this sounds so depressing. My only goal at the moment is to get through the holidays without the kids hearing anymore arguing. Actually, I can't wait to get back to work!

 

Syl

[Joyce]

Sylvia,

 

I am sorry you have had such a rough time latley. I don't blame you for not wanting to argue anymore. Everyone communicates differently especially when they are under a lot of stress. A lot of people think that if they don't talk about it then their problems will disappear. I don't understand why your H is acting the way he is. It has to be extremely hard to overcome your spouses infidelity and you probably question your future with him. I believe that people should follow their hearts and make themselves happy. If your H doesn't want to reassure you then maybe you should decide if you would be happier without him. I hate to be negative but he is the one that betrayed you he should be reassuring you everyday if needed. You are such a nice person.. I wish I could knock some sense into your H.