He cannot make it on my birthday

[keithkat]

Fact #1: I met this guy in my travels. We really had so much fun traveling hardcore together for 3 months. He visited me after 5 months of LDR and we spent 6 weeks together. He left by the start of October.

 

Fact #2: My boyfriend will be coming over again 3 to 4 weeks from now and will stay for a week or two.

 

Fact #3: My birthday will be in the last week of November so he already said he cannot make it for my birthday.

 

My Dilemma: I feel sad that he cannot make it on my birthday.

 

I questioned him about this decision and he told me he just cannot make it on time. He's just traveling in nearby countries right now and he has no other commitments whatsoever. I don't understand why he can't just make some efforts to make it on time. He told me he cannot just do everything as I wish while I'm waiting in the comforts of my home doing nothing. I re-emphasized that I'm trying to finish the last requirement I need to submit in my studies. He asked me why I cannot just be happy about him coming over again. He said that if I cannot be happy about it then he just won't come at all. It led us to telling each other to just do what we want to do as individuals.

 

I told him that we need some time to think. I said I'm sorry for asking him to compromise too much for me. And that I love him but I need some time to clear things up in my head. He said that he loves me and won't send me a msg until I send him a message after I finish thinking.

 

He's a really great guy and my family likes him. It saddens me that it seems I've been asking for too much. Maybe it has to do with another fact that I haven't made up my mind yet to stay with him in another country in the near future.

 

I don't know the right question to ask you guys. Just tell me your opinion please.

Edited November 6, 2013 by keithkat

[McMike]

I know you're sad that he can't make it on your birthday, it's reasonable. But you can't expect him to alter his plans to suit you. He may have all his flights booked and arrangements made. It's an expensive exercise to switch around flights especially if he's constantly moving around.

 

Why can't you guys celebrate a late birthday together, just the two of you? Not everything is going to go your way in life and I hope you learn that now so you're not disappointed in the future when a lot of things won't go your way.

[keithkat]

I know you're sad that he can't make it on your birthday, it's reasonable. But you can't expect him to alter his plans to suit you. He may have all his flights booked and arrangements made. It's an expensive exercise to switch around flights especially if he's constantly moving around.

 

Why can't you guys celebrate a late birthday together, just the two of you? Not everything is going to go your way in life and I hope you learn that now so you're not disappointed in the future when a lot of things won't go your way.

Thanks for your reply. :-) He hasn't booked any flights yet. He is just spending some travel time somewhere else. Maybe I'm just jealous that he chose other stuff over my birthday. Thanks for your advice.

[McMike]

Did you ask him specifically why he couldn't make it then? He has other plans made already and can't alter them? I say just give him his freedom, like he said, you should be happy that he's even coming to visit you.

 

Hope you guys have a good time together

 

Oh and don't rush into thinking about moving to his country or him into yours, let the relationship take its course and when it gets serious, then sit down and have a talk about it. Still early stages, be patient aye haha.

[keithkat]

Did you ask him specifically why he couldn't make it then? He has other plans made already and can't alter them? I say just give him his freedom, like he said, you should be happy that he's even coming to visit you.

 

Hope you guys have a good time together

 

Oh and don't rush into thinking about moving to his country or him into yours, let the relationship take its course and when it gets serious, then sit down and have a talk about it. Still early stages, be patient aye haha.

He hasn't told me his reason per se. He just couldn't make it. In my own POV he'll just be traveling in another place and not in mine.

 

I think we are already taking our relationship seriously that's why he had spent a lot of his resources and made a major change in his travel plan before just to visit me for the first time. This is also the reason why he's expecting me to be with him and stay in another country (not his own) to accomplish one of his dreams.

 

We are young but serious.

 

Thanks for all your good wishes mate! :-)

[Very soon]

Long distance relationships are hard in the fact that special occasions can't be celebrated in person together. It's sad but birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. sometimes can't be spent together. It's even harder when something bad happens in their life, and you can't be there to comfort them.

 

When he comes to visit, maybe you can celebrate your birthday then and do nice things together. Enjoy him when he visits when it comes to your birthday, he may not be there in.person, and yes it can be painful, but know he will be thinking of you. I'm not sure how you communicate, but a phone call/video call may help you. Also a letter or gift to open on your birthday may be nice from him. Whatever will help you, communicate this to him.

 

When you next speak, tell him how you feel but just understand he can't make it. Be happy he's coming soon! It's great he comes to visit and means alot Moving to be with your Love is a big deal; when you're both ready, have a serious talk together and discuss the pros and cons with detail.

 

Don't feel bad asking him to come visit; you just miss him! all the best!

[d0nnivain]

I know you're blue that he won't be here for your birthday. I would be too but men don't always put as much stock in birthdays & women do.

 

Be happy he's coming at all. Focus on the positive so you don't lose or poison the time you do have together.

[CherryT]

Have you gone to visit him in the time you've been LD? Or has he been the one always coming to you? I can see why you're disappointed because it's your birthday and you want to celebrate it with him. But if he's had plans to travel and he's going to be there close to your birthday, I think that's OK too. He is making the effort to come to you - just not on your birthday.

 

My F and I do our best to celebrate occasions together. But there's been times where we've missed each others birthdays and anniversaries. One year, he flew in just past Midnight on my birthday... missing it by 20 minutes. But he tried. We just celebrated it over the weekend. LDR's and syncing up travel and special occasions are hard. Sometimes I get pulled away or simply cannot financially afford it. Our anniversary and his birthday both fall on holidays and sometimes we just cannot make it on that very day, but we get to each other close enough to it.

[keithkat]

Long distance relationships are hard in the fact that special occasions can't be celebrated in person together. It's sad but birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. sometimes can't be spent together. It's even harder when something bad happens in their life, and you can't be there to comfort them.

 

When he comes to visit, maybe you can celebrate your birthday then and do nice things together. Enjoy him when he visits when it comes to your birthday, he may not be there in.person, and yes it can be painful, but know he will be thinking of you. I'm not sure how you communicate, but a phone call/video call may help you. Also a letter or gift to open on your birthday may be nice from him. Whatever will help you, communicate this to him.

 

When you next speak, tell him how you feel but just understand he can't make it. Be happy he's coming soon! It's great he comes to visit and means alot Moving to be with your Love is a big deal; when you're both ready, have a serious talk together and discuss the pros and cons with detail.

 

Don't feel bad asking him to come visit; you just miss him! all the best!

 

Yes, thank you. :-) Maybe I just need some time for this. I know I should really be thankful. Maybe I just need to convince some areas in my brain. Hehe Thanks again.

 

I know you're blue that he won't be here for your birthday. I would be too but men don't always put as much stock in birthdays & women do.

 

Be happy he's coming at all. Focus on the positive so you don't lose or poison the time you do have together.

 

You definitely hit the mark! It's just not so much of a big deal to him as it is for me. I will try to focus on the positive. Let's dwell in the positive. Thank you! :-)

 

Have you gone to visit him in the time you've been LD? Or has he been the one always coming to you? I can see why you're disappointed because it's your birthday and you want to celebrate it with him. But if he's had plans to travel and he's going to be there close to your birthday, I think that's OK too. He is making the effort to come to you - just not on your birthday.

 

My F and I do our best to celebrate occasions together. But there's been times where we've missed each others birthdays and anniversaries. One year, he flew in just past Midnight on my birthday... missing it by 20 minutes. But he tried. We just celebrated it over the weekend. LDR's and syncing up travel and special occasions are hard. Sometimes I get pulled away or simply cannot financially afford it. Our anniversary and his birthday both fall on holidays and sometimes we just cannot make it on that very day, but we get to each other close enough to it.

 

I haven't really visited his home yet because he has never gone home yet. He's just traveling and just stayed in one place when he acquired a job somewhere for 4 months. We talked that he'd be the one to make the first visit after he finished his work.

 

He's just visiting me again now because he wants to clarify the future with me because I have been hesitant in following him to stay in another country. Plus he wants to travel around the capital city which is far far away from my city.

 

I will really try to be positive. Thank you for your help. :-)

[Els]

What is he doing that he is able to presumably travel wherever he wants for so many months without any commitment?

 

If he is really perfectly capable of being with you on your birthday instead of partying in a neighbouring country, and just chose the opposite - then yes, your concern is totally valid.

 

But is he really? You'd need a huge amount of money to be able to do that. And if he's travelling for business/work reasons, then there is commitment and he may not have that much control over his schedule.

[keithkat]

What is he doing that he is able to presumably travel wherever he wants for so many months without any commitment?

 

If he is really perfectly capable of being with you on your birthday instead of partying in a neighbouring country, and just chose the opposite - then yes, your concern is totally valid.

 

But is he really? You'd need a huge amount of money to be able to do that. And if he's travelling for business/work reasons, then there is commitment and he may not have that much control over his schedule.

He's a bit frugal while traveling and he worked and saved a lot that's why he can just travel.

 

He has the freedom to choose where he should be.

 

I'm a bit sad now.

 

Thanks for your advice.

[Els]

If he genuinely can choose without any repercussions (career, financial, etc) and he chose not to be there on your birthday... yes, I'd be unhappy too.

 

When he told you "he told me he just cannot make it on time", what was his reason? Why do you think he actually can even though he told you he can't?

[ThisGal]

What's the nagging really about?? I mean it's just a birthday. Spend it with your family, loved ones!

 

My real concern would be why he is traveling so much. Sure he saved money but if it is work related it would be at their expense not his. You should know where he's going, if it's a secret or too vague and not clear enough then I would expect a thorough answer for his whereabouts.

 

But seriously, you can't always get what you want in life. You're not a little girl anymore screaming "I want this, not that, mommy!" You're an adult. You need to learn how to choose/pick your battles. Some things in life are just too petty to stay upset about.

 

He's visiting you, that's that! Be content or continue to nag until he's completely turned off. If he's a great guy as you claim then appreciate that.

Edited November 7, 2013 by ThisGal

[ThisGal]

He's just visiting me again now because he wants to clarify the future with me because I have been hesitant in following him to stay in another country. Plus he wants to travel around the capital city which is far far away from my city.

 

Why is he traveling so much??? He's too all over the place to stay committed to a serious relationship. Seems indecisive. Me no like :/

[keithkat]

If he genuinely can choose without any repercussions (career, financial, etc) and he chose not to be there on your birthday... yes, I'd be unhappy too.

 

When he told you "he told me he just cannot make it on time", what was his reason? Why do you think he actually can even though he told you he can't?

I think it's because he wants to travel in other places more before going here. :/

 

I want to clarify this again to him but I actually don't like the idea of reheating an argument.

[keithkat]

What's the nagging really about?? I mean it's just a birthday. Spend it with your family, loved ones!

 

My real concern would be why he is traveling so much. Sure he saved money but if it is work related it would be at their expense not his. You should know where he's going, if it's a secret or too vague and not clear enough then I would expect a thorough answer for his whereabouts.

 

But seriously, you can't always get what you want in life. You're not a little girl anymore screaming "I want this, not that, mommy!" You're an adult. You need to learn how to choose/pick your battles. Some things in life are just too petty to stay upset about.

 

He's visiting you, that's that! Be content or continue to nag until he's completely turned off. If he's a great guy as you claim then appreciate that.

 

I wasn't really nagging. I'm just stating my feelings about it. And I cannot deny what I feel just because other people expect me to not feel anything about it.

 

I know his original and current travel plans and he changed it so he could include me in it. I understand why he decided traveling and I also traveled with him and I know it's a really great and worthy time.

 

Why is he traveling so much??? He's too all over the place to stay committed to a serious relationship. Seems indecisive. Me no like :/

 

We both like traveling and I really like the way he travels. In my opinion, it's better than all those normal tourist stuff. And I appreciate his courage in leaving his normal life and doing the things he's doing now. We already have plans of being together and I think it's unfair to say he's not committed in our relationship when he already invested a lot in it. He's also one of the most decisive persons I ever met.

[keithkat]

Great. 2 indecisive people together. GL!

I don't really know what's the problem with you. Bless your heart and soul anyway.

[Els]

I think it's because he wants to travel in other places more before going here. :/

 

I want to clarify this again to him but I actually don't like the idea of reheating an argument.

 

Well, clearly it bugs you and has been bugging you for the past several days now.

 

So, that warrants a talk. Not necessarily an unpleasant one, just so you can hear his reasons out. Sounds like you don't really know what his reasons are and are just guessing...?

 

Talk, then decide what you want to do about it.

[ThisGal]

I don't really know what's the problem with you. Bless your heart and soul anyway.

 

LOL!

[nomadic_butterfly]

If I live to be 100, I'll never, ever understand young people tying themselves down to what amounts to nothing more than a computer/chat box/email/texting/Skyping/telephone 'relationship.' I just don't get dedicating yourself to someone whose in another country and not allowing yourself to get out and have fun dating and meeting other people like young folks SHOULD be doing. Life is too damned short to restrict yourself for what really amounts to nothing in the end.

 

Good luck to you OP. Hopefully next year you'll be posting about this great guy that took you away for the weekend for your birthday - someone who doesn't live a continent away.

 

I don't think it is always such an open shut case. Sometimes you meet in the same place and for one reason or another (usually work, school, visa being up) you have to go to another country. Depending on the stage one is in life, he/she might be reluctant to relinquish that relationship if there seems to be long term potential.

 

The main thing in my opinion is having a "reasonable" (as per the two people) end date. I have never been one to engage in something long distance but I met someone who stood out above the rest and I am a marriage minded woman. Would be pointless (for me anyway) otherwise. I've even gone on a few local dates recently (he & I couldn't meet earlier b/c visa complexities on his end and me starting a job and having to accrue sufficient vacation days). Still haven't found someone as good or better (provided he has been completely honest with me this whole time).

 

We are very likely to meet within the next few months (specific date is set). He's already waiting for the Greencard visa he won to be allocated in 2014 so if all goes well we will be together next year. If for some really odd reason we part ways, definitely the last attempt at it but I wouldn't necessarily knock those who give it a shot. Different strokes, different folks :p

[nomadic_butterfly]

I think it's because he wants to travel in other places more before going here. :/

 

I want to clarify this again to him but I actually don't like the idea of reheating an argument.

 

Communication, ESPECIALLY IN A LDR is critical to the success of your relationship. If discussing something that bothers you in a calm, respectful, mature way makes you still feel like you have to walk on egg shells, I would seriously question if this is the kind of person you want to be with. Bigger issues will arise and if the two of you cannot come to a resolution on the smaller ones, it is going to be a hec of a lot harder to solve greater dilemmas.

 

Quite frankly, unless he planned his whole vacation prior to knowing your birthday or way before you brought up spending your birthday together, there's a problem. If he did this in a time frame where he could very well have made it on your birthday, I don't think that's cool at all. He could have at least offered to get you a ticket to be where he is if he knew it was that important to you. If I were a woman traveling and would be in a neighboring country of my bf during his bday I'd buy him a ticket if I couldn't go to his country, even if it were just for a weekend. But some people are obliviously inconsiderate. Might be the case. That's my humble opinion of course.

[Sparta]

How come no one to ask you about your boyfriend didn't you say in your original post that you have a boyfriend and he'll be coming staying for a 1 to 2 weeks. You women are something else..?

[Els]

I don't think it is always such an open shut case. Sometimes you meet in the same place and for one reason or another (usually work, school, visa being up) you have to go to another country. Depending on the stage one is in life, he/she might be reluctant to relinquish that relationship if there seems to be long term potential.

 

The main thing in my opinion is having a "reasonable" (as per the two people) end date. I have never been one to engage in something long distance but I met someone who stood out above the rest and I am a marriage minded woman. Would be pointless (for me anyway) otherwise. I've even gone on a few local dates recently (he & I couldn't meet earlier b/c visa complexities on his end and me starting a job and having to accrue sufficient vacation days). Still haven't found someone as good or better (provided he has been completely honest with me this whole time).

 

We are very likely to meet within the next few months (specific date is set). He's already waiting for the Greencard visa he won to be allocated in 2014 so if all goes well we will be together next year. If for some really odd reason we part ways, definitely the last attempt at it but I wouldn't necessarily knock those who give it a shot. Different strokes, different folks :p

 

Uhm. The poster you quoted... the only posts she has ever made in the LDR forums for the past several (very recognizable) reincarnations, have been blanket generalizations about how stupid and useless LDRs are because you can't get coffee with your SO every Friday.

 

This has been going on since before my partner and I closed the distance... meaning for about 3-4 years now.

 

So... don't sweat it.

[Els]

And back to the topic... OP, if you cannot discuss things like this with your bf without unleashing a huge argument, that is a very bad sign, probably more worrying than the birthday issue. You two need to work on that if you hope to stay together.

[keithkat]

To everyone, we already broke up. And it hurts like hell. We really loved each other but I guess we cannot make it through the distance. We still love each other but we're tired of the emotional rollercoaster.

 

Thank you for each one of you who tried to help me out.

 

I just updated this maybe to have a clear end for myself.

 

It really hurts. It was true love. But maybe it's true that love is not enough. :'(