Sunnywishes Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I need help, suggestions, advice. Please. Not but a few days ago my ex-fiancé contacted a family member that he would like them to let me know that he wants to talk to me and apologize. He wants my cell phone number to call and speak with me directly. It has been over 10+ years since I've seen or spoken to this man. I was with him for several years and engaged, and near the end of our relationship I suspected he was cheating. He dumped me btw, and at the end didn't actually break up with me, but left me hanging for months (as I was stupid and deeply in love with him) until a cold email that ended it completely. To shorten this up, he hurt me deeply and I don't know if his apologies will make any difference now. I have been out of love and over with him for many years. Not to say the emotional wounds are completely healed because they caused scars obviously. He is happily married now so I don't see this as an attempt to gain me back in any way. I don't see how this apology will do me any good, but dredge up uncomfortable memories that I don't want coming back into my life. I'm dealing with other hardships right now that have me under enough stresses and this is only adding additional discomfort. Thoughts? Thanks everyone
aaron11892 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Forget his apology. He sounds like his married life isn't going too well if he wants to contact you. Leave him be. He left you and it kinda sounds like he regrets it. An apology isn't going to do you or him any good. He may just want to relieve some guilt he has for leaving you all those years ago. Let him live with it. 2
strive Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Either aaron is right or he just wants to reach out and be friends and finally put the past behind. But if you're not comfortable with it, ignore him. 1
headinthecloud Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 There could be so many reasons for contacting you - friendship, apology/closure, he's ill, he could be separated and wants to rekindle - none of the reasons matter. The question is what do you want? Emotional scars can still be reopened so are you prepared for having them opened if you do connect with him. Do what's best for you, but from the sounds of it he doesn't deserve a second chance in your life under any circumstance. He can also give your family member a letter to pass along to you rather than call you. Good luck and let us know what you decide. 1
emi Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Simply said : the mistake he made in the past is catching up with him. If you are uncomfortable, dont response. Hes married, you are healthily living your life. Dont let yourself involve in this, tell your family to tell him that you do not wish to stay in contact, you have forgiven him, but do not wish to be friend 1
ayudorama Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I'd put myself first. How do you feel about all of this? Doesn't matter what his motives are, really. It's all about what you are comfortable with
greenfairie Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 The fact that it took him this long is surprising, makes me even more curious about his motives to reach out to you. If you aren't in a relationship or are emotionally healed from whatever happened between you two, maybe talk to him and see where he's at in his life since he was someone you cared about in your life once? Doesn't mean you guys have to get back together but if that happens, cool! But if you feel that it would negatively affect you by reaching out, then leave him be and go on with your life taking care of you. Now you have the power to not answer, and silence is a strong answer too. It'll make him sit and think for a bit. I think answering would make him feel better by thinking you're not upset/angry with him and I wouldn't want you to get hurt if you responded and he ended up ignoring you, that's a pain. Do what you feel is right.
Haydn Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Tricky one, 10 years is a long time. If you are happy and comfortable to accept an apology, then i agree with most of the others, a letter is the best way. See what he has to say and then decide if you want to divulge your number. But on the other hand if it opens up pain again then ignore and live your life. Tough call.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Maybe he's part of a twelve step group and hes on the "amends" portion. But either way this apology seems less about you and more about him. 3
hestheone66 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 If he is being deceitful to his wife this request will sort it out. Or tell your family member to tell him to put in writing. The power is yours.
Mario79 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 You get the feeling that from your post that this would be a big deal for you. You have to guard your feelings and do what is best for you. Although curiosity does make one crazy
BC1980 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I think he is apologizing to absolve himself most likely. I don't think you would get anything out of it since you have already gotten over him.
Sugarkane Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I've realized that it's very rare to get an apology from someone like this. After 10 years it's like what's the point?! Why did it take him this long to do it? It's a bit ridiculious. I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd be tempted to never answer, just like they never answered you. 1
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 LOL 10 YEARS TEN YEARS Do you even remember what his face looks like? What goes through the mind of someone who does this. I would guess he's feeling a little nostalgic. 3
Author Sunnywishes Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 I want to thank all of you for your honest responses and advice. I do remember what he looked like (I have a really good memory for faces) but having him contact me even this many years later, I can still remember what I went through as well. He had hurt me badly and I can see no other reason myself for him to contact me after all these years other than selfishness. With everything you all said, and my gut telling me "hell no!" I decided to not contact him at all. What's past is past, and it would do me no good to return to the past and have to remember and feel what I went through. I don't want to know why, and even though I might be a little curious, bah! So again, thank you all for your support!
Sugarkane Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 I envy you for ignoring someone who never had the decency of giving you closure in the first place. I've read some guys leave this way on purpose just so they can press the reset button with you, later 1
Sugarkane Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 This just fascinates me. They should apologize at the time, not 10 years later when you can barely remember them!
Recommended Posts