butawhimper Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I'll try to make a long story short. Two years ago I met my current boyfriend. We dated for a few months but things didn't work out due to long distance issues while I was away. Our relationship wasn't a very serious one, mostly centering around the physical, so it didn't surprise me when it ended. He contacted me a while ago and we again hit it off and have been dating now for almost a year. During this relationship he's gained a bit of weight, but it never mattered to me because I truly do care for the person inside rather than just the body. I love being with him and he is the light of my life, but it seems as though I am becoming less attracted to him physically. This is becoming a problem in that he attempts to initiate regular sex, but I am generally uninterested and it's putting a huge damper on our relationship. Sometimes I will go back and look at pictures of him from when we met two years ago and it makes me miss the physicality we had back then. I love him regardless of how he looks, and have no intentions of breaking up with him because of his weight, but he is getting increasingly annoyed with my constant avoidance of sex and it's causing him to be agitated and start fights . I don't want to tell him that his weight makes me less attracted because I dont want to hurt him and make him self conscious. So, what do I do? Note: I've already tried encouraging him to get into shape WITH me, even though I am in pretty good shape already, but he didn't take this seriously.
Outsider77 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 You need to just tell him. Things won't change otherwise.
ascendotum Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) Just so we can get the context of this. Can you estimate what he weighs now and how much he put on in the last 2 yrs? This is tough thing to deal with. I've been there and became less attracted to the girl. For the partner putting on the weight it can become a very touchy subject, but the trouble is just avoiding discussing the matter (which is what they want) doesn't change anything. they continue to put on weight while you continue to become frustrated that your desire for them is fading even though they are same person (albeit fatter). The fat person will throw you the 'but if you really love me it shouldn't matter I'm still the same person'. You throw them the line 'but if you really love me you will want to be the best person you can to please me'. "I love him regardless of how he looks" Not quite. Love him in a spiritual sense yes, but not when it comes to the sexual aspect. You are not as non shallow as you would like to claim with that line otherwise you would not be posting here. I totally get why and I can relate. I think you better rethink your intention to never break up with him over his weight. How long are you going to be fine living in a sexless/passionless relationship for? Maybe for a quite a while (and quite a few kgs more) but I'm going to guess it will be longer than what he is prepared to. The fights are going to be get more common. You say you dont want to hurt his feelings over his weight but you are hurting his feelings now I'd say over your rejection of his advances. You did the right thing and tried the subtle approach by offering him to exercise with you (which often does not work). I think you just have to sit him down and tell him your true feelings. Its going to hurt his feelings and he'll likely guilt you for it, but you need to cater for your needs & desires in a relationship for a long time to come (and currently its not exactly covering his needs either). This issue has come up before a number of times on LS and you can search for past responses. I had the impression most responders would ultimately leave their (STR) partner over this issue. (they tend to tie it to lifestyle incompatibility) Edited November 6, 2013 by ascendotum
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