brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 My ex boyfriend broke up with me in July because he felt like I was too controlling. It's been almost 4 months since then. During the first month after break up, I've asked him a few times and even begged him to give me a chance but he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. I told him I was gonna wait for him but he told me to move on. We were together for 2 years and it feels like he just threw everything we had away. I stopped asking him after trying for one month but we still keep in contact because we have classes together. Sometimes, when I don't bother him, he starts being nicer to me and he talks to me when he needs help with the classes. But sometimes, when I ask him to go eat with me, he would seem annoyed and it didn't seem like he wanted to be there with me. But I plan on waiting until 5 months later to write him a letter and telling him how I've changed and how I feel about him. I will tell him that I want him to be happy whether it's with or without me. And I'll ask him to meet me somewhere so if he comes, that means we still have a chance. And if he doesn't, then I will never bother him again and that'll be the end of it. Do you guys think this is a good idea?
Grumpybutfun Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 brokenheart: You haven't changed. You are still controlling. This entire post is how you are trying to get him back by harassing him, controlling him to take you back with promises and begging. No, do not write him a letter because he has broken up with you and you are not respecting his decision. That letter will be just one time you will have tried to make him do what you want through persuasive manipulation....also known as controlling. Leave the poor guy alone and try to find out why you must control others. Good luck, Grumps 2
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 brokenheart: You haven't changed. You are still controlling. This entire post is how you are trying to get him back by harassing him, controlling him to take you back with promises and begging. No, do not write him a letter because he has broken up with you and you are not respecting his decision. That letter will be just one time you will have tried to make him do what you want through persuasive manipulation....also known as controlling. Leave the poor guy alone and try to find out why you must control others. Good luck, Grumps I guess I just want some closure too.
Riou Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 He seems cold to you so you probably won't get any closure from him.You just have to move on and make some good changes for your own sake,maybe he will see you in a new light. 1
Fufu Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 My ex boyfriend broke up with me in July because he felt like I was too controlling. It's been almost 4 months since then. During the first month after break up, I've asked him a few times and even begged him to give me a chance but he said he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. I told him I was gonna wait for him but he told me to move on. We were together for 2 years and it feels like he just threw everything we had away. I stopped asking him after trying for one month but we still keep in contact because we have classes together. Sometimes, when I don't bother him, he starts being nicer to me and he talks to me when he needs help with the classes. But sometimes, when I ask him to go eat with me, he would seem annoyed and it didn't seem like he wanted to be there with me. But I plan on waiting until 5 months later to write him a letter and telling him how I've changed and how I feel about him. I will tell him that I want him to be happy whether it's with or without me. And I'll ask him to meet me somewhere so if he comes, that means we still have a chance. And if he doesn't, then I will never bother him again and that'll be the end of it. Do you guys think this is a good idea? Writing a letter won't change the outcome, If he wants to be with you, he will do it. The letter itself will not be the decision maker for him. 1
lindsay1990 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 (edited) You have closure: he told you he doesn't want to be with you. There is no circumstances of this 'break' that will be on terms that make you happy. Unfortunately for you, the guy has made up his mind and your insistence will only confirm that the break up is in his best interests. You say you want him to be happy, then leave him alone. If he has stated he can't be happy with you and is so reluctant to even hang out, do the honorable thing and let him be. As for asking him to meet somewhere as a sign that you still have a chance, that seems somewhat manipulative of you. As if the guy is going to come and you can hold him to that or read so much into him coming. He has TOLD you "no", and since you say you won't bother him again after that proposed meeting, well, why not just leave him alone now. It's not up to you to tell him when he is dismissed, he has quit. It's not your decision when you actually disconnect and on what terms, he has made those decisions for himself. You can control how you react and what you do, but not what he does now. Edited November 6, 2013 by lindsay1990 1
d0nnivain Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 You haven't changed. You still want this to work out on YOUR terms regardless of what he wants If you want to change so you don't ruin your next relationship the same way, learn to be more open to other people's ideas. If you want / need to write the letter OK. That can be a good way of purging your feelings & organizing your thoughts. However, you can't send the letter to him. Letters never work. The other person doesn't come back. In some cases, the recipient shares the intimate details on paper in black & white with others to humiliate the sender. It's a lose lose proposition. If you must write the letter, fine. Put it away for at least 1 month after you write it. Then pull it out, re-read it & burn it as a symbolic way of letting go of the relationship.
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 Writing a letter won't change the outcome, If he wants to be with you, he will do it. The letter itself will not be the decision maker for him. Well, it's because if he wants something, sometimes he's afraid to go after it. Like before we started going out, I was the one who asked him out and I initiated everything.
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 You have closure: he told you he doesn't want to be with you. There is no circumstances of this 'break' that will be on terms that make you happy. Unfortunately for you, the guy has made up his mind and your insistence will only confirm that the break up is in his best interests. You say you want him to be happy, then leave him alone. If he has stated he can't be happy with you and is so reluctant to even hang out, do the honorable thing and let him be. As for asking him to meet somewhere as a sign that you still have a chance, that seems somewhat manipulative of you. As if the guy is going to come and you can hold him to that or read so much into him coming. He has TOLD you "no", and since you say you won't bother him again after that proposed meeting, well, why not just leave him alone now. It's not up to you to tell him when he is dismissed, he has quit. It's not your decision when you actually disconnect and on what terms, he has made those decisions for himself. You can control how you react and what you do, but not what he does now. Well, I won't ask him to meet up with me. But I feel the need to just tell him how I feel so I can move on with my life.
emz23 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Well, I won't ask him to meet up with me. But I feel the need to just tell him how I feel so I can move on with my life. That's quite selfish.
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 That's quite selfish. How is telling him that I still love him but I know that I have to move on selfish?
emz23 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 How is telling him that I still love him but I know that I have to move on selfish? "But I feel the need to just tell him how I feel so I can move on with my life." 1
MoooOinkBaaa Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 He knows how you feel. Do you think he will be surprised you still love him five months later and he'll come back? Doesn't work like that if he wanted you back he would be making an effort wouldn't he? It's not hard to send an e-mail. Even if you tricked him into being back with you, that would suck right? Wouldn't you rather want someone who actually cared enough about you to want to be in your life?
Keenly Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 How is telling him that I still love him but I know that I have to move on selfish? You are not doing it so you can move on with your life, you are doing it in hopes that he feels guilty enough to come back to you. 2
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 "But I feel the need to just tell him how I feel so I can move on with my life." Okay then if it was you and you still loved someone so much even after he broke up with you and still feel like you can't move on after 4 months, what would you do?
emz23 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 You don't need closure he's already told you he isn't interested and told you why. That's closure. He knows how you feel. You don't need to tell him again so that you can move on with your life. Just move on anyway. If he decides he wants you back he'll let you know. If he doesn't then you just need to find someone new.
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 You are not doing it so you can move on with your life, you are doing it in hopes that he feels guilty enough to come back to you. Don't jump to conclusions because honestly you have no idea what I'm feeling. I am doing it to move on because I've already tried for a few months and I know it's not going anywhere. SO in the end I KNOW I have to move on but I do still love him. AND I know that making someone feel guilty isn't gonna lead me to anywhere.. cause I don't want someone to love me just because they're feeling guilty.
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 You don't need closure he's already told you he isn't interested and told you why. That's closure. He knows how you feel. You don't need to tell him again so that you can move on with your life. Just move on anyway. If he decides he wants you back he'll let you know. If he doesn't then you just need to find someone new. Thanks for the advice.
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 You don't need closure he's already told you he isn't interested and told you why. That's closure. He knows how you feel. You don't need to tell him again so that you can move on with your life. Just move on anyway. If he decides he wants you back he'll let you know. If he doesn't then you just need to find someone new. And the things I've done in past like still being clingy after he broke up with me might have pushed him away even more. I just wish I went straight into NC right after the break up, then maybe he would've seen me in a different light.
emz23 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 If it helps...I think I broke my relationship by going NC before I realized how much I missed him. I was the dumper though so maybe its different. I guess my point is that we all make mistakes. I don't think it really matters what you did. If he wants to come back then he will. If he doesn't then it's a harsh lesson learnt for next time. x
Keenly Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Don't jump to conclusions because honestly you have no idea what I'm feeling. I am doing it to move on because I've already tried for a few months and I know it's not going anywhere. SO in the end I KNOW I have to move on but I do still love him. AND I know that making someone feel guilty isn't gonna lead me to anywhere.. cause I don't want someone to love me just because they're feeling guilty. I do know what you are feeling actually. You are me one year ago. You know what I did? I cried. Then I got angry. Then I sucked it up and moved on. Took me like 6 months. 1
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 I wish I posted on LS earlier and read people's advice earlier so all those stupid things I've done after the BU could've been prevented. Oh well.
pixelish Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Don't be so hard on yourself! Hindsight is 20/20. The best you can do now is NC and come to terms with the personal problems you have and do everything you can to overcome it. Keep a short list in your mind of goals you set for yourself, things you'd like to improve. Keep them in mind as you go about your day and apply them when necessary. Just remember, you're doing this change for yourself, not for him. When you notice yourself slipping, stop, back up, and apologize if you think you hurt someone's feelings. It can take a while, and also helps if you have some real life peoples as support, who can tell you to your face that you're doing better. If you ever feel you're ready, speak to your ex again and tell him this time, you honestly have changed. Ask him out for coffee or something so he can see for himself. And if not, don't sweat it. You can get someone a million times better
Author brokenheart1992 Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 Don't be so hard on yourself! Hindsight is 20/20. The best you can do now is NC and come to terms with the personal problems you have and do everything you can to overcome it. Keep a short list in your mind of goals you set for yourself, things you'd like to improve. Keep them in mind as you go about your day and apply them when necessary. Just remember, you're doing this change for yourself, not for him. When you notice yourself slipping, stop, back up, and apologize if you think you hurt someone's feelings. It can take a while, and also helps if you have some real life peoples as support, who can tell you to your face that you're doing better. If you ever feel you're ready, speak to your ex again and tell him this time, you honestly have changed. Ask him out for coffee or something so he can see for himself. And if not, don't sweat it. You can get someone a million times better Do you think I need to apologize to him?
BC1980 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Do you think I need to apologize to him? F@ck no. That's breakup 101. Dumpees don't apologize. 1
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