strive Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I don't know what I'm feeling right now. Short history: We were together for 11 years before he officially dumped me last month, but for him we broke up 2 months ago. We had 2 talks, the first one I was begging him to reconsider breaking up our family, and the final one is before we started living separately. We have one child together, but we're not married. It wasn't exactly smooth sailing for us, lots of history of hurt and resentment (from me) and eventually resentment (from him because I was hurting and lashing at him). I'm not ready to talk details, but suffice to say the breakup was long overdue, which is how I had learned to accept it. I wanted to fix it but he didn't so I had to accept that. I followed all the breakup rules from Breakup Recovery Guide as best as I can and kept LC. Never initiated contact unless it's about our daughter, and never answered any breadcrumbs. I blocked him from social media almost 3 weeks and last saw him in person maybe a few days later when I was taking my stuff. The thing is, I'm ready to forgive him as a partner. He hurt me and I hurt him. But I realize that this is what needs to happen so I can learn to be strong and independent. I'm on my way to healing though it's going slowly and I'm optimistic that someday I'll be more than fine, I'll be fantastic! But I hate him as a father to my child because he keeps making promises to her that he never fulfills. I let him take her during weekends but instead of spending time with her, he goes out of the house and lets his parents take care of her. My daughter is hurt and I just want to stop making excuses for him. He's a huge disappointment as a father. (His biggest fear when we separated was that I won't let him see her anymore -- he cried about that too!) Now here's the thing, just this morning a friend I haven't talked to in a while contacted me asking if we're separated because she keeps seeing him with another girl. (Actually I think one of the breaking points is that even when we're still together he's been attracted to her and compounded with all our problems, he broke it off with me to have a chance with her without being a cheating *******). My problem is that I think I should feel hurt or anger towards him. But so far, I just thought "Ah, so that was the reason." And then I'd think of all the times my daughter went to see her and he wasn't there and I'd think "What a f****** deadbeat dad." So I don't know. Am I just feeling numb from shock and will probably explode or cry later, or am I just numb from indifference? Thanks for reading, I think I just need to vent so that I don't bottle it up inside. Any insight would be very much appreciated.
maiden555 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Whoa. You sound like you're doing really well and being extremely strong, especially considering the length of your relationship and that this guy is a horrible partner as well as father. That's awful. I hope you are letting yourself feel the extent of it- scheduling time to yourself to grieve. 3
Author strive Posted November 7, 2013 Author Posted November 7, 2013 Thank you so much. I think you're right, my problem is I try too hard to cope and get over it that I haven't been grieving the loss properly. Except that grieving makes me remember, and remembering makes me hurt. And everytime I feel hurt I feel like absolute **** because I shouldn't be hurting, I should be happy that I'm free. My head is full of contradictions.
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