Cooling off [update]

[emva07]

It looks like you are saying that before all this, he seemed like the perfect potential father, and now you are running out of time for childbearing so you might as well take the risk and not use birth control. Am I misunderstanding?

 

 

yeah, this is where i got lost too... at first i thought she just wanted to have sex with a condom and he wanted the pill.

 

but now i'm starting to think she just wants to be impregnated by any joe schmo that walks her way because she's a manic time bomb.

 

 

MY understanding is that OP wants this guy to marry her and impregnate her ASAP because he already said he would and she doesn't have any time to waste so might as well be like yesterday.

 

...even though it's only been three dates and know NOTHING about each other.

Edited September 9, 2013 by emva07

[snowflakes88]

I hate to say this OP -- but given your mentality, you really have no business being someone's mother. Not at this time, anyway. You need to get yourself together before you can be responsible for another little life. Have you ever been in therapy?

[so gutted]

yeah, this is where i got lost too... at first i thought she just wanted to have sex with a condom and he wanted the pill.

 

but now i'm starting to think she just wants to be impregnated by any joe schmo that walks her way because she's a manic time bomb.

 

 

MY understanding is that OP wants this guy to marry her and impregnate her ASAP because he already said he would and she doesn't have any time to waste so might as well be like yesterday.

 

...even though it's only been three dates and know NOTHING about each other.

 

 

Ok the options are:

 

1) i wait it out, he is sulking and has not brought it up again but still keeping in contact once or twice each day,

 

2) i ask to talk about it, even though he is sulking in the hope of persuading him to drop the pill issue and carry on as normal.

 

3) i contact him and agree to it.

 

4) i say NO

 

Which do you suggest?

[fanine]

Have you actually thought if this is a guy worth being with still? Also have you taken notice of what other posters have said about your own self esteem? These are the things you need to think about ...

[so gutted]

Have you actually thought if this is a guy worth being with still? Also have you taken notice of what other posters have said about your own self esteem? These are the things you need to think about ...

 

Yes - a lot but they are not living this.

[fanine]

Yes - a lot but they are not living this.

 

Well talk to him. Ask him why he wants you on the pill. You barely know him. Only three dates. See how he reacts when you say how you feel about the whole situation.

[clia]

Ok the options are:

 

1) i wait it out, he is sulking and has not brought it up again but still keeping in contact once or twice each day,

 

2) i ask to talk about it, even though he is sulking in the hope of persuading him to drop the pill issue and carry on as normal.

 

3) i contact him and agree to it.

 

4) i say NO

 

Which do you suggest?

 

You say NO. You are a woman in your late 30s. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. End of story.

 

I took a look through some of your old threads, and your problems with this guy appear to be a recurring theme for you over the past 7 years. You meet a guy online, he talks marriage right away, he tries to have sex with you within the first few dates, and the end of the day the guy poofs.

 

Why do you think this continues to happen to you?

 

Have you learned anything about dating or men over the past 7 years?

 

Why do you continue to allow yourself to be treated like a total doormat?

 

Have you noticed that the only constant here is YOU?

 

Because after reading some of your old threads and considering your age and how much dating you have done, I don't buy this "naive," inexperienced woman act. I also question what signals you have put out to this guy. In one of your previous posts on a similar issue with a different guy, you acknowledged that your online profile might be "steamy." In another post, you also admitted to meeting guys online solely for sex, to the point that you called it an "addiction." What kind of birth control did you use with them?

 

Date three is way too soon to be discussing longer term birth control options such as the pill. But this didn't come out of nowhere. Before I throw this guy under the bus for being a creep, is there anything in your online profile that he could have taken the wrong way? Did you meet him on a normal site, like Match? Have you talked about sex with him? Have you sexted with him? If you are doing those things, you can't complain that he wants sex from you. Don't talk about sex at all with men you have just met.

 

From the few prior threads of yours that I read, I also get the impression that you feel like the only way to attract a guy to you is to use sex. And then when the guy wants to take you up on your offer for sex, you freak out, and try to act like he is the problem. You are never going to meet a marriage minded man if you continue doing what you are doing.

[so gutted]

You say NO. You are a woman in your late 30s. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. End of story.

 

I took a look through some of your old threads, and your problems with this guy appear to be a recurring theme for you over the past 7 years. You meet a guy online, he talks marriage right away, he tries to have sex with you within the first few dates, and the end of the day the guy poofs.

 

Why do you think this continues to happen to you?

 

Have you learned anything about dating or men over the past 7 years?

 

Why do you continue to allow yourself to be treated like a total doormat?

 

Have you noticed that the only constant here is YOU?

 

Because after reading some of your old threads and considering your age and how much dating you have done, I don't buy this "naive," inexperienced woman act. I also question what signals you have put out to this guy. In one of your previous posts on a similar issue with a different guy, you acknowledged that your online profile might be "steamy." In another post, you also admitted to meeting guys online solely for sex, to the point that you called it an "addiction." What kind of birth control did you use with them?

 

Date three is way too soon to be discussing longer term birth control options such as the pill. But this didn't come out of nowhere. Before I throw this guy under the bus for being a creep, is there anything in your online profile that he could have taken the wrong way? Did you meet him on a normal site, like Match? Have you talked about sex with him? Have you sexted with him? If you are doing those things, you can't complain that he wants sex from you. Don't talk about sex at all with men you have just met.

 

From the few prior threads of yours that I read, I also get the impression that you feel like the only way to attract a guy to you is to use sex. And then when the guy wants to take you up on your offer for sex, you freak out, and try to act like he is the problem. You are never going to meet a marriage minded man if you continue doing what you are doing.

 

Yes true.

 

This profile was not steamy at all, it was based on long term stuff.

 

It was not sexual.

 

In our first discussion he asked me what i wanted, i said a companion.

 

First date we met etc, ended with a hug and kiss on cheek.

 

Second and third a bit more but no sex.

[so gutted]

I then asked him what he was after and he said similar also said can get pure sex anywhere etc.

 

I mean what i say, i have only had experiences listed here no lasting relationships including sex. Thats why i want one...

[snowflakes88]

I mean what i say, i have only had experiences listed here no lasting relationships including sex. Thats why i want one...

 

You aren't going to find a lasting relationship by throwing your morals and standards out the door just because someone bought you a meal. Lasting relationships are built on mutual affinity and respect. No way in hell a man will have any respect for a woman who feels she owes him unprotected sex -- without any discussion of STDs, no less -- because he bought her dinner.

 

And yes, I can relate to you. I'm in my 30s, and I'd like to be married and have a family. I date quite a bit, but I'm not currently dating anyone I'm crazy about. Do I worry about it? Yes, sometimes. But I also know my worth. I'm an attractive, smart, successful, cool-ass chick, and I carry myself that way. I don't hop into bed with every man who takes me on a date, and I don't throw all of my standards out the window in a fit of desperation. I remind myself that I have value, that I am worthy of respect, love, and full reciprocation. Period.

 

You cannot be a good romantic partner OR a good parent if your own self-esteem is in the toilet.

[so gutted]

You aren't going to find a lasting relationship by throwing your morals and standards out the door just because someone bought you a meal. Lasting relationships are built on mutual affinity and respect. No way in hell a man will have any respect for a woman who feels she owes him unprotected sex -- without any discussion of STDs, no less -- because he bought her dinner.

 

And yes, I can relate to you. I'm in my 30s, and I'd like to be married and have a family. I date quite a bit, but I'm not currently dating anyone I'm crazy about. Do I worry about it? Yes, sometimes. But I also know my worth. I'm an attractive, smart, successful, cool-ass chick, and I carry myself that way. I don't hop into bed with every man who takes me on a date, and I don't throw all of my standards out the window in a fit of desperation. I remind myself that I have value, that I am worthy of respect, love, and full reciprocation. Period.

 

You cannot be a good romantic partner OR a good parent if your own self-esteem is in the toilet.

 

Ok that all makes sense.

 

How do I progress here, he is talking to me but not about that. Do i bring it up?

[snowflakes88]

Ok that all makes sense.

 

How do I progress here, he is talking to me but not about that. Do i bring it up?

 

If you want a serious relationship, I would let him know that you are open to continuing to see him but that you are not ready for sex until you know each other better -- assuming that is the case. Since he's already brought up the birth control issue, I'd also let him know that if and when you decide you're ready, you are not comfortable using birth control and want to use condoms. Period.

 

If those are deal-breakers for him, I can assure you he isn't interested in anything more than sex anyway. A man who is truly interested in a woman for the right reasons won't walk because she wants to protect her health and get to know him before having sex. You deserve someone who is interested in you for the right reasons, so keep reminding yourself of that!

[so gutted]

If you want a serious relationship, I would let him know that you are open to continuing to see him but that you are not ready for sex until you know each other better -- assuming that is the case. Since he's already brought up the birth control issue, I'd also let him know that if and when you decide you're ready, you are not comfortable using birth control and want to use condoms. Period.

 

If those are deal-breakers for him, I can assure you he isn't interested in anything more than sex anyway. A man who is truly interested in a woman for the right reasons won't walk because she wants to protect her health and get to know him before having sex. You deserve someone who is interested in you for the right reasons, so keep reminding yourself of that!

 

Thanks. We are talking and he has not mentioned it since.

 

He has mentioned marriage and having kids a lot, each morning.

 

Says " i cannot wait to marry you, have our kids etc"

 

An odd way to start the day. Can it all be false or an element of truth ?

[GorillaTheater]

He has mentioned marriage and having kids a lot, each morning.

 

Says " i cannot wait to marry you, have our kids etc"

 

An odd way to start the day. Can it all be false or an element of truth ?

 

Have you been on a fourth date yet?

 

I'd opt for answer C: psychotic.

[so gutted]

Have you been on a fourth date yet?

 

I'd opt for answer C: psychotic.

 

Why is it psychotic?

[GorillaTheater]

Why is it psychotic?

 

Why is it psychotic to talk about marriage and kids (and what kind of birth control he wants you on) this early in the relationship?

 

If I have to explain it, I suspect there's no point. So let me take a different approach: does it seem normal to you? Is this what you're used to?

[KathyM]

You need to be very careful about men who come on so strong so early on, and talk about marriage, kids, etc. Especially one who is pressuring you for sex so early on. Lose this guy, seriously. He is trying to make you think he is serious about a relationship. I can almost guarantee you he is not. Men who are serious about a relationship actually take the time to get to know a person before suggesting marriage and children so that they make the right choice in a partner. This guy is just looking to get laid, and feeding you whatever lines he thinks you need to hear in order to get what he wants. As soon as you give it to him, he'll be gone. Dump this guy.

[so gutted]

You need to be very careful about men who come on so strong so early on, and talk about marriage, kids, etc. Especially one who is pressuring you for sex so early on. Lose this guy, seriously. He is trying to make you think he is serious about a relationship. I can almost guarantee you he is not. Men who are serious about a relationship actually take the time to get to know a person before suggesting marriage and children so that they make the right choice in a partner. This guy is just looking to get laid, and feeding you whatever lines he thinks you need to hear in order to get what he wants. As soon as you give it to him, he'll be gone. Dump this guy.

 

So its all lies? Just to get laid? Doesnt seem like a liar.. In other areas..

[KathyM]

So its all lies? Just to get laid? Doesnt seem like a liar.. In other areas..

I don't know this man, I'm just saying it is a common tactic that some men use to get laid. They make promises way too early on or start talking way too seriously too early on because they think that will get the woman to think he is interested in an actual relationship rather than just sex. By holding off on sex, you will be weeding out the men who are only interested in sex. The men who are interested in an actual relationship will likely stick around to get to know you. This is also a tactic used by men who are abusive. They start putting the rush on you and start talking marriage with you right from the start without knowing you. I've learned this in my domestic violence classes that I needed to take to get my degree in counseling. And I've seen it in real life. My older sister's husband was physically abusive to her. He had the exact same behavior you described. Rushing her for sex from Date #1. Talking about marriage and children with her in the first two weeks of knowing him. She was rebounding from a breakup with her fiancé, and ignored the red flags. She paid the price for it. Fortunately, she is now divorced from that asswad.

[snowflakes88]

Thanks. We are talking and he has not mentioned it since.

 

He has mentioned marriage and having kids a lot, each morning.

 

Says " i cannot wait to marry you, have our kids etc"

 

An odd way to start the day. Can it all be false or an element of truth ?

 

Likely false, intended to get you to drop your guard (followed by your panties). By your most recent posts, I'd say it's working. I'm sure this guy can smell your naivete and desperation a mile away.

[snowflakes88]

So its all lies? Just to get laid? Doesnt seem like a liar.. In other areas..

 

You've been on three dates with him, sweetie. Three. You don't know him nearly well enough to make this evaluation.

[GorillaTheater]

Here's something I told you four years ago. My opinion remains the same.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/200698-he-said-his-gran-has-died-do-i-believe-him-2.html#post2362345

[so gutted]

Here's something I told you four years ago. My opinion remains the same.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/200698-he-said-his-gran-has-died-do-i-believe-him-2.html#post2362345

 

Gosh thats cringeworthy. At least i have progressed since then, onto dating past a first date.

[emva07]

Three isn't progress.

 

Let's say he does want marriage, the fact that he keeps repeating it is so you fall for him before his abusive or whatever is wrong with him comes out. Seems to have worked, now you don't want to leave him no matter what happens.

 

But as long as you're married and with kids, how a man treats you doesn't matter right?

 

Some women are ok with being in a manipulative relationship, in relationships where the men hit them, etc.....because they are just happy to be with someone.

 

I always wonder why these women complain about being forced to do things but do nothing to get out of the situation. They could've left three dates into the relationship....but end up leaving 20 years later or never.

 

To each their own I suppose.

Edited September 10, 2013 by emva07

[Maleficent]

Yes most men want it very soon, especially if they buy you dinner or if you meet via the internet.

 

He said it was double protection for me.

 

I react badly to most medicine.

 

Also, it makes me feel guilty.

 

I want kids, sooner rather then later ( with a suitable man).

 

Why is he focusing on marriage, kids but then saying go on the pill.

 

Is he using marriage to secure the deal?

 

'Nuff said.