butterfly4me Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 Hi everyone. I lived with my ex for two years and before he broke up with me he would always say he could forget me and be with someone else within a week. I always thought he was just talking. Now he is gone, and I haven't heard from him in a month. Do you think he moved on? Or do you think he is trying to make me stew? Thanks
XNemesisX Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 I'm not a guy but I guess that would depend on the situation. Why did he break up with you? If you did something wrong, he's probably just going to let you stew. If you did nothing wrong and he just broke it off...he probably means it. Can you elaborate a little more on the circumstances?
Author butterfly4me Posted December 15, 2004 Author Posted December 15, 2004 Well, we were fighting a lot, basically over the fact that he stopped showing me affection, stopped telling me he loved me, not really acting sexually into me.....so I finally said I would have to find someone else--who desired me and appreciated me--and he up and left haven't heard from him in a month
Moose Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 Well, what did you expect? You told him straight up. If you think he's going to come back with conditions, you're sadly mistaken. Typical......just because a man doesn't show love and appreciation exactly the way the woman wants him too, it doesn't mean that he doesn't.
Author butterfly4me Posted December 15, 2004 Author Posted December 15, 2004 Heh Moose--what do you mean come back with conditions? So I just figured he left b/c he didn't want to show me the love and affection I needed, therefore, he must not have loved me. Don't you see it that way? He tried nothing, just packed up, moved away, and no word from him since. Do you understand this? Please explain if you do
Moose Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 Well, if you flat out laid it down to him that he needs to show you love and affection, those are the conditions. He could've been showing you all that in his own little way even though you didn't see it. He might've figured, "Jeeeez, if she can't tell I love and appreciate her now, I'll never be able to please her", and decided it best to leave and allow you to find what you need. The reason for the no contact could be that you hurt him. Saying that he doesn't show you love and affection, (even if he thinks he has), may have registered to him as you're disappointed and ashamed of him......I'd avoid you too. Sorry, just my opinions......
Scott S Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by butterfly4me Heh Moose--what do you mean come back with conditions? So I just figured he left b/c he didn't want to show me the love and affection I needed, therefore, he must not have loved me. Don't you see it that way? He tried nothing, just packed up, moved away, and no word from him since. Do you understand this? Please explain if you do To me, that would suggest that love was never there in the first place. I believe your perception is correct. While many men are not overtly emotional, they still have feelings. While he wasn't as demonstrative as you wished for, if there was love, it still would not have been easy for him to simply walk away from the relationship as if it never existed. Does that make sense?
azzer2000 Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 only you know how strong minded he is. Strong minded people can move on easily, and only you know how much he loves you, you must know what he is upto by what ur friends say.
Scott S Posted December 15, 2004 Posted December 15, 2004 Originally posted by butterfly4me .....so I finally said I would have to find someone else--who desired me and appreciated me--and he up and left haven't heard from him in a month This is a risk inherent to making an ultimatum, that is, "calling the bluff." One needs to be careful about doing this, and prepared to go through with what was threatened.
ConfusedInOC Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Originally posted by butterfly4me Hi everyone. I lived with my ex for two years and before he broke up with me he would always say he could forget me and be with someone else within a week. I always thought he was just talking. Now he is gone, and I haven't heard from him in a month. Do you think he moved on? Or do you think he is trying to make me stew? Thanks If he told you that then my first question to you is "Why did you tolerate it?!" He's basically saying "You don't mean jack to me..." Why women will put up with men like that while tossing aside nice guys, I'll never know. Being a nice guy does not mean you are a wimp or spineless....
Naive Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Originally posted by butterfly4me Hi everyone. I lived with my ex for two years and before he broke up with me he would always say he could forget me and be with someone else within a week. I always thought he was just talking. Now he is gone, and I haven't heard from him in a month. Do you think he moved on? Or do you think he is trying to make me stew? Thanks If he would tell you this and now that you guys are broken up he does not call, I have to say he was not bluffing.
Author butterfly4me Posted December 16, 2004 Author Posted December 16, 2004 Heh everyone. I really appreciate all of your replies, b/c this has really been tough on me. For the first year of so, he was so loving and affectionate. That's why when that part ended, I was upset. I just thought he needed a nudge to get back to the way he was, but obviously I was being led on. When his time came to make a perfect exit, he did with no looking back===or calls for that matter.
johnnyl321 Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 the reason he left and has been gone for a month is because he's done with you. obviously he was done when he stopped touching you. same way a woman is done with a man when she stops touching him, or telling him i love you. don't hold your breath. take a little time off from relationships, catch your breath and just live. it'll all come back to you again. life is cyclical, we do it over and over and over again
SpaceCoyote Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 For the first year of so, he was so loving and affectionate. That's why when that part ended, I was upset. I just thought he needed a nudge to get back to the way he was, but obviously I was being led on. When his time came to make a perfect exit, he did with no looking back===or calls for that matter. Maybe it wasn't entirely leading you on... the relationship is always a little different in the beginning, because it is new and exciting and there's more of a desire then to please the other person. Some of that affection may have just been him doing what he thought you wanted in order to make you happy but some of may have also been truly a part of him, but he came to decide he didn't want to be that way anymore. I really don't know enough to say, but my gut instinct tells me he was just tired of it. And then when you held the door open, he took the opportunity to walk through it. It was kind of a relief for him, and hence the no calls.
jellybean Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Sounds like he had one foot out of the door, for a long time.... I'm not a guy...just my 2 cents worth
havNfun Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 I sincerely think that he is done. It is not like a guy to not call and be gone for that long if he wasn't through. Usually guys are not too good at the non-contact thing just for the sake of making a point or tuff love. I think he's gone. So, I suggest you move on.
moon Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Butterfly, only you know your boyfriend, sorry ex-boyfriend. I am sure what people are saying here hurts. Ouch it hurt me a bit, too. My ex hasn't been in contact with me at all in over two months. But he moved on to somebody else right away, so why would he call me?? What to make us (new girl) and me duke it out for his love? He wishes. But my break was pretty nasty, so he won't be trying to rehash that anytime soon. I told him to lose my number basically. We knew each other four years, went out for about three, with, yes, a year break in there and he was the one who did the returning (I sort of broke it off when he couldn't fully commit). He came back one year later. He, by the way, had no problem with no contact two weeks after the first break up, one month, six months.........but one whole year.....he reared his ugly head. But, I think that if somebody doesn't call you with in the first month of breaking up usually they are thinking or yes they have moved on for the time being. If it was painfully obvious that the relationship was over.......he's not going to keep calling you to... What... talk? Talk about the fact that you have been nagging him for a year to be more affectionate and he doesn't feel like doing that. What are you going to discuss? It seems like your relationship as it was ran it's course. But if it was a significant relationship and due time has passed.......a few months, six months, longer even. After the guy has run off for his rebound. He might get to thinking that you weren't all that bad. Then he may try to contact you......who knows? Maybe he won't. Maybe you won't care one way or another. I agree guys aren't great at no contact, if you are just having little tiffs and breaking up like high school kids, but if you are in a real relationship and there is ACTUAL trouble and you can't come to a compromise, I doubt that guy is going to see to it in himself to call a few weeks later or even a month. The problems are still there in his head. He's out looking, man. He's searching for that girl who doesn't care if he is affectionate or not. So let's see that includes hum.........nobody. So don't be surprised if one day he might see the error of his ways and return. But not until he's checked out the others out there who he assumes will only expect small pecks on the cheek from his every two weeks. If he does find that other girl who makes less demands and just lets him be his own cold self---then he might never come back. If he starts signing up for a single's hotline because others see him as you did---a real cold fish, then he might call. I think it's all about what happens to him personally after the break. I think love plays into this a lot, too. But let's just assume most people who go out for two years love each other. To what degree, who knows? So anyway, I doubt I am making a lot of sense. But I have had guys come back years later with a fresh new perspective realizing they weren't mr wonderful to me. But who cares really? Why wait around. Meet somebody else. If your ex comes scurrying around because he realizes HE has the problem........let him come back WITH CONDITIONS. You want a guy who shows his love for you, right? Is that so hard? As a matter a fact (!!), don't let your ex come back until he agrees to this. If he does come back, just to make him a little crazier, INSIST he act ga ga in love with you at all times or the deal's off. If he can't do that, show him the door. But what do you care.....I know from experience that second time around breaks are harder than the first time!! You expect even more for that person. So it might be better to find a guy who can be what you want. Good luck.
Author butterfly4me Posted December 16, 2004 Author Posted December 16, 2004 You have all been so helpful. I guess it's just hard to face that you were that easy to walk out on and forget. I thought that I meant more to him, but I guess you have to face the actions. When they stop calling, they are done... the words were probably all to keep things smooth while we were together, but things didn't feel smooth b/c there was no intimacy anymore. Oh well... everyone's opinions have made me stop living in fantasyland. Does anyone else do that? Just not fact the actions, and hope that some mystical thing will happen?
GreenCap Posted December 16, 2004 Posted December 16, 2004 Butterfly I have the same thought that our memories meant something and that after a while a part they could bring us back together. But seriously, it takes to hands to clap so if the other party can't even firstly acknowledge the issue then find ways to solve, but instead take the first opening to run out and hook with somebody else, then you know it is over. I am suffering in the same situation - with moods swinging wildly from confident to a needy, whiny child. Man are generally not good at no contact, that is true, especially when they know something beautiful ended with no identifiable reason (not saying there is no reason but men are pretty clueless, and I am close to being #1). I did my best to win her back but she found another and indicated that he's the one she will marry. I am left alone with a rng (was going to propose Xmas), broken heart, deflated self-esteem and a trashed psyche. If I value my own happiness and life, I have to move on. But the tough part is, I built my world around and included my dreams and aspirations with her in them - they all come to naught.
Author butterfly4me Posted December 16, 2004 Author Posted December 16, 2004 I am so sorry, Greencap.. I guess we were fools. It's hard, especially this time of year, but, at least we know the truth. My heart is broken
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