I just broke no contact after 5 days

[Lennon]

So my girlfriend and I went out for four months. We were madly in love with eachother but unfortunately she had to move back to her home in Australia. She's much younger than me. I'm 25 she's 18. I didn't plan it, it just happened and let it keep happening till we were deeply in love with eachother.

She told me on numerous occasions she loved me more than anything in the world and I loved her the same.

When she left we said we weren't going to do the long distance thing but we said we'd be together again some day. When she moved back we would talk onl the phone, she would ask me to move to Australia. I was thinking of my job as a career at the time, and i also thought she needed time to grow and do the **** i did when i was her age, i didn't want her to look back and regret her younger years by being in a deep relationship with a guy much older than her and I told her I never seen myself in Australia. She's coming back to travel Europe in a few months btw. She was in Europe to travel, she didn't work.

After two weeks i realised how much I loved this girl, we lived together for a month and a half, she had to move in with me out of necessity as her former room mate broke their lease and left her with a massive bill. So she just left and said nothing. I loved every minute I spent with that girl.

Like i said during these two weeks I realized how much I missed this girl and loved her and was a fool to let her get on that plane, I would come home from work and tears would well up in my eyes she wasn't lying beside me in bed.

So I facebook messaged her one night saying I loved her and would be willing to travel with her when she was back and even maybe willing to move to Australia.

She completely changed how she spoke me, she was cold and clinical. She said she's rather travel alone and not to move to Australia for her. She said i thought you didn't "see" yourself in Australia. She said she didn't love me anymore. I spent all night fb messaging her. (I couldn't call her, I was at home with my folks and the wifi sucks, all i had was fb) asking her what happened, why she was doing this. My heart was breaking. I eventually got it out of her. She said she loved me, she loved me.

I had to wait to days till i was back in Dublin to get decent wifi to call her.

I immediately broke down crying, begging her not to this, asking her why, she said she was confused and was happy being single. To cut the story short i spent the next four weeks messaging and calling her, begging and pleading and getting crushed every time. There were two times she stop the hardness and coldness. She called me one day thinking she was pregnant, and after a couple of days called me again to tell me she wasn't. She said i'm sick of being hard. We spoke for and hour before I went to work. I had her back again, I was speaking to the girl I loved. We talked about what we would have done if she was pregnant. She told me because it was us, she would have kept it, an answer that made very happy. I thought i was getting her back, we ended the phone call saying we loved eachother. I was mistaken she started being cold and hard again saying she wanted to be single and was confused.

The next time she let her guard down was when she rang saying she was ill. All signs pointed towards lymphoma. We were on the phone again to eachother for ages again. She told me she had been listening to a voicemail I sent her months ago when she was travelling in Asia for a couple of weeks where i said i missed her. She's fine btw, she messaged me saying it was glandular fever after getting all xrays, bloods and sti tests.

 

Over these past weeks she keeps crushing me but tells me stuff like she still sleeps in my sweater, beside a plush doll i bought her as a gift. I had to post off some her belongings two weeks ago, she asked me just to post off these two large art books she loved, I posted over the books and a load of clothes she had to leave behind and loved as a suprise. I also sent over a saint Christopher pendant as a gift, i gave her one before, one which my mother gave me to keep me save, ( her words) she lost it by accident. I sent a letter over two saying she had made me want to be a better person and included some good memories and said i hope she has great life. She facebooked messaged me saying i was her first true love and will never forget me and she'll wear my necklace everywhere she goes.

Its been 5 days since we've been in contact with eachother. I feel like i have done alot of damage with my begging and pleading. I am deeply in love with this girl, my heart is broken, I've lost a stone and a half in weight, haven't been able to sleep and I lost my job because of depressed, erratic and irresponsible behaviour at work.

I've been back at home with my folks for two weeks, i'm working out, I'm eating again, and some nights i can sleep, I'm also going to be moving to France to work in an Irish pub for a year in December. I miss her so much. I've been reading about no contact and I've been i hadn't contacted her or looked at her facebook in five days. However today has been a hard day, I woke up in tears, got up ate breakfast, went for a run, broke down in tears half way through it. Got home and have been depressed all day. I sent a message to her an hour ago. Nothing serious, She loves zombie movies and books, this is the message ( just watched world war z, the other night, it reminded me of you :] , the zombie apocalypse could happen ) inside joke. She won't see it for a couple of hours as its like four in the morning over there.

I need advice, I love this girl, I know if i was there in person I could bring her around and we would be together again.

What do I do?, I am making positive steps in my life but i can't let her go, i want her back, when she's back in Europe in a couple of months I'll be in France when shes back. I keep hoping if i give her time to miss me, the novelty of being home will wear off and she'll want me back. She used to tell me she hated home, She had a hard upbringing and was living and working by herself from the age of 16 and doing school on top of this too. Her mother and father split up when she was a kid and made her and her twin sister choose between the two of them. She chose her dad, her sister chose her mum. Her mum always held this against her and then her dad was abusive to her and ****ed off when she was 15. She's now living with her mum, her new boyfriend, her twin sister and her mums boyfriends daughter. She is the only one paying rent, her mum is making her pay it. She also wouldn't pay for her hospital bills when she was ill but would pay for her sisters no problem.

Please I need help, will she come around, I treated her like a princess, I love her, I don't want to give up hope we'll be together again. I think she's the one, I have never experienced what we had with anyone in my life. I have i done too much damage and chased her off with my begging. I'm sure she still loves, she has to, she said I was her first true love, she told me she loved me more than anything in the world, these feelings couldn't just disappear. She's carrying on in life while im in so much pain.

[ponchsox]

Sorry for your loss. What you are describing sounds like something that could be turning into a mental illness, and I don't mean that disrespectfully. When it affects you to the point that you lose your job, it's time to see therapy and professional help. We all have emotional triggers and the mind is something you have to get right in order to move on.

[Lennon]

thanks for the concern but i am making an effort to pull my life back together,

the job i worked in, had incredibly intense hours and the pay was ****, so i'm glad i left it,

if i hadn't left if i wouldn't be moving to france to work in a couple of weeks which is what i really want, a fresh start, in a beautiful country, it'll keep my mind occuppied.

I just can't give up on her, i'm improving myself for my benefit and my mental health. I said i was making positive steps to recover, but i just can't stop thinking of her. Even now, i'm hoping for her to meet me in france as friends and see how things go. I'm a fool maybe, but i love her. But thank you for the concern

[Chi townD]

Dude, you have to move on and let her grow up and experience things that are involved with growing up.

 

Dude, she's 18. BARELY legal. She is a TEENAGER!! When you were in secondary school, she was probably still playing with Barbie Dolls. Now, I'm not calling you a pedophile, because she's of age and this has only been a 4 month relationship; however, she still has a lot of growing up to do.

 

 

Due, you're going to be spending time in France! Seeing the world! Doing things. Enjoy your time, because that's exactly what she's doing right now.

 

Time to move forward.

[Lennon]

So sorry you are suffering Lennon. You mention that she needs to grow up and experience more of life. I think you are on track. If you are meant to be together time is on your side. If you are not, then time will also reveal that. It is hard waiting, but continuing to communicate and be her friend, will prove that you are there for the long run and will build a foundation of experience for a potential future relationship. Here is a good checklist for relationships: Ask the Tough Questions About Your Relationship - Focus on the Family.

Thank you LisaMT,

The reason i let her go in the first place is because i had those thoughts exactly, even If i love her to bits. I just feel like i may be losing her forever, making anxious and panick. I'm thinking of staying in contact with her through the medium of letter writing.

I find a letter more personal and physical, she knows i don't like talking about serious matters via facebook or any form of messaging. It should be face to face or phone call.

So i think I'll just send her a letter every month to let her know how i'm doing and i'll ask her if she feels she would like to do the same. I think its a good way to stay in contact with her even if it is just as a friend for now. I care about her too much to cut her out of my life. I mean it kills me to not be there to comfort her when she's upset or going through a hard time. People do say a girl never forgets her first love. Although i'm quite a bit older she was my first love as any progression towards a relationship I've ever had i ended it as I always felt there was no spark. With her it was different, it was pure, unconditional love, extremely comfortable and caring. I've never let my guard down completely with anyone before in my life. I did with her, I just wish age, time, distance and experiences and certain peoples judgements were not against us, which is why i think she ended it. Too much pressure. I also think she's being advised against it by family or friends back home because when she was here with me, she always said age doesn't matter and used her uncle and aunt as an example. He was 28 and she was 18 and they are happily married now. I love her and I believe she still loves me but I guess only time will tell. If its meant to be, its meant to be. I don't have faith in God, i'm sorry if that offends anyone but i do believe people should do good for the sake of good even if there is no reward when we go and I do believe in love, I've experienced it for the first time in my 25 years and its beautiful. Hopefully we'll be together again someday because right now nobody could compare to her. She's beautiful inside and out, I know she's not perfect, nobody is, but if there is such thing as a soul mate she was the closest thing i have ever found to it.