After sexting affairs, extreme guilt

[Clotilde]

During a rough marital patch I had several sexting affairs with men I met online (online forums, craigslist). The first one was a friend from a forum that turned flirtatious and during a period of grief (3 deaths in the family in 1 month) he became a confidante, which led to flirting which led to emotionally involved sexting for a period of about two weeks. My husband was out of town for work most of that time. Even though this man and I live very far apart and there was no chance of meeting IRL he ended things because he felt guilty about messing around with a married woman. I was crushed by this rejection and that is when I started seeking out other men to replace him, none of which I became emotionally involved with but did exchange nudes and talked about sex with probably 5-7 different men from around the country.

 

During this time I plotted how I might divorce though financially it was not possible. I started feeling guilty and gave a partial confession during an argument when I blurted out "I'm thinking about having an affair". My husband apologized for allowing our marriage to get to that point and vowed to show me that he could work on all the things I had ever brought up as issues. I did not tell him about the sexting but I did stop doing it, deleted contacts, removed myself from the forums I was on etc. that was a couple weeks ago and as my husband has done more and more work on the marriage (and so have I, I really want to stay together) my guilt has grown and grown to the point that I have fallen into a mini-depression.

 

I am writing this here partially as a way to get it off my chest but also to find out how people have overcome the guilt. At this point I don't think telling him about it will help anything, I don't want to hurt him more I just want to work on the marriage and move on.

 

My guilt is killing me though. What to do?

[RightThere]

My guilt is killing me though. What to do?

 

Tell him. The guilt will never go away and you won't be able to properly repair your marriage if you don't come clean.

[Clay]

Sadly it wont every go away until you deal with it. You will have to tell him. He come tell you he was sorry for allowing things to get this way so it does sound like he is trying to fix the issues you both have. Give him a chance to have all the information you do so he can make clear choices for himself.

 

Hopefully you both can move passed this and fix your marriage.

 

Clay

[Owl]

You can't alleviate your guilt by confessing to anonymous internet strangers.

 

You can only fix this by confessing to the one you betrayed, and working with him to repair the damage you've done.

[Clotilde]

That's what I was afraid of.

[Clay]

I am sure it wont be easy but you have to do it if you want any clear chance of fixing your marriage. What is the sense of being married if it is built on lies.

 

Clay

[Clotilde]

I knew I was getting closer to confessing and posting this here was just the final push. He is out of town for work right now and won't be back until tomorrow. It will be difficult to hide the feelings in my voice when we speak. I don't want to tell him over the phone though but now that I've decided to tell it will be hard to stop myself from telling.

[RightThere]

I knew I was getting closer to confessing and posting this here was just the final push. He is out of town for work right now and won't be back until tomorrow. It will be difficult to hide the feelings in my voice when we speak. I don't want to tell him over the phone though but now that I've decided to tell it will be hard to stop myself from telling.

 

Don't do it over the phone. Face to face.

 

He'll need to see how sorry you are and know that you are committed to working on the marriage.

[harrybrown]

Write your husband a letter and have him read it. Write about the things that you did.

 

If you sent a nude picture, you better tell him. That picture could be anywhere now.

 

If he did this, wouldn't you want to know? You need to go to counseling to get over the grief , but also to help your husband and deal with the guilt.

 

If you give him all the information, you will not make the mistake of trickle truth that is so damaging to spouses. Also show him the pictures you sent so it will not be so damaging when someone hands him a nude picture of you and he goes crazy like my friend did when someone asked him if the nude picture was of his wife.

 

Do not do this to your H, tell him before someone shows him.

[Clotilde]

The pictures were not sent to anyone that either of us know or would ever be in contact with again so I can't see how it would be presented to him. I made sure to do this with people far away so that real life cheating would not be a possibility and also so that he would not be humiliated in front of people we know.

 

In hindsight I've been able to see why I sunk to a point where I needed that kind of attention and will have to work on making sure that doesn't happen again. As well as keeping myself out of places (online) where I can easily get that kind of attention. It's so easy to do. It's a battlefield.

[Clotilde]

He did do something similar but on a much smaller scale (with someone I know, it was awful) and I found the pictures she sent that he left on our computer. It still haunts me. He has never done anything like that since.

 

There may have been some element of revenge though I have taken it so much further. Now I worry we are doomed.

[RightThere]

There may have been some element of revenge though I have taken it so much further. Now I worry we are doomed.

 

I believe that it is never too late. Ever.

 

You will just need to show how sorry you are and that you are going to put in 100% of yourself to fix it.

[atreides]

 

My guilt is killing me though. What to do?

 

It's a good thing that you have ended the sexting, however your guilt will not go away in my opinion without telling your H. As for "Hurting your H more" the damage is done and your H is working on your M as well as you... so you stated, but you did not confess... "partially" that was more of a threat. Since you no longer are sexting, confession is a stronger position to be in to truly have an M without lies and issues.

Since your goal and your H's goal is to rebuild your M, a new foundation without hidden lies is a great place to start.

[Clotilde]

These men don't need to tell your H for him to find out. Did it ever occur to you that one of the men you sent pictures to could easily put them on the internet?

 

No of course not AT THE TIME. I was very much swept up in the good feelings this behavior gave me- it was like a drug. I wasn't thinking clearly at all.

[harrybrown]

That is how my friend found out about his wife.

 

Hopefully, none of the pictures show your face or any anything from your house or you that he would recognize.

 

Please tell him so he does not find out another way.

[BetrayedH]

I agree with the others about coming clean being your only real way forward. I'm glad you also agree.

 

They are also right that you MUST avoid trickling the truth. While the truth will hurt your H, he will not be able to reconcile with you while he thinks you're lying. I can't stress this enough. Just take your lumps and fix your marriage.

 

For what it's worth, most betrayed spouses try to reconcile (it's about 80-85% of men). A confession doubles your chances of reconciling. And the lack of actual physical sex matters a lot to men.

[Clotilde]

That is how my friend found out about his wife.

 

Hopefully, none of the pictures show your face or any anything from your house or you that he would recognize.

 

Please tell him so he does not find out another way.

 

Can you explain a bit more about how that happened? I was exchanging pics with men in other states that knew only my first name. What kind of websites are people posting pics like this on?

 

I'm not asking because I'm trying to hide from him- I will tell him everything I just have a hard time imagining how one just stumbles upon something like that online- I mean, what are the odds?

 

Genuinely curious.

[crederer]

There are plenty of sites men can post these on. Also, you probably didn't cover your trails nearly as well as you think you did. There is always evidence around in some shape or form and it is likely a matter of time before he gets suspicious by finding a trace, and then going into full detective mode.

 

Also the guilt you have is part of your punishment for what you've done. The other part of the punishment is how your husband reacts once you tell him/once he discovers what you've done.

[bubbaganoosh]

The pictures were not sent to anyone that either of us know or would ever be in contact with again so I can't see how it would be presented to him. I made sure to do this with people far away so that real life cheating would not be a possibility and also so that he would not be humiliated in front of people we know.

QUOTE]

 

After reading the above statement you posted, I have a question and I want you to think about it for a minuet.

 

C-a-n y-o-u s-a-y I-n-t-e-r-n-e-t-? Honey in this day and age it wouldn't have mattered if this dude lived on Mars. Your naked ass in those pictures has circled the globe about a dozen times as we speak minimum.

 

I understand that your depressed by deaths in your family so how is taking your clothes off and taking nude pictures of yourself helping not only the tragedy in your family but the problems in your marriage?

 

Now the fun part begins. You haven't been honest with your husband and maybe he will forgive you but in his mind, he will always wonder if this guy you sexted lived closer would you have jumped into bed with him. Not to mention that $h!t happens. What would happen if those pictures surfaced? You don't know that guy any better than the man in the moon. He could have passed them around or posted them somewhere on some amateur porn site.

 

Just be prepared that some day your husband may come home and ask if you have pictures of you naked and when you say no, he asks you if you want to buy some.

 

It just boggles my mind that anyone thinks that in the computer age where EVERYTHING IS AVAILABLE with just one click that doing something like this could be harmless and never be traced back to you.

 

Don't know if you have kids but if someone at school finds them on WOO WOO.com how are you going to explain it to them.

[Clotilde]

Was planning to tell husband about the sexting when he returned from his work trip tomorrow but we were on the phone, on FaceTime, and he could see I was upset and I was trying to be vague about our relationship but it was impossible to keep it in and I started crying and just told him. I think since we could see each others faces not too much was lost emotionally by doing this on the phone. Because I had already made behavioral changes at the time I stopped all the sexting (a few weeks ago) he believed me when I said it was over and that I was committed to the relationship. He also had seen me slip into this sad state gradually so he was relieved to know what was bringing it on. We talked at length about what led up to the affairs, what took place, how they ended and everything. He was very understanding, and hurt and it was very sad. We have been through this (he cheated in the same fashion just not so extensively) very early in our relationship so he understands how one can be vulnerable to such a thing. He was very gracious while at the same time being firm about his boundaries and together we established some strategies to protect ourselves from outside influences in the future. We cannot afford counseling at tbls time (but have gone before with good results) but have decided to use other resources (books, Internet, journaling) to work on the marriage trust together. We both expressed continued commitment to staying together and working through this. He is very kind and generous and will not resort to petty punishments- we will actually do work to fix the problems instead. I look very much forward to his return tomorrow so that I can comfort him and be with him and go forward.

 

I am so glad I posted this topic today, I received the advice I was hoping to receive and I am very grateful.

[atreides]

good for you.

 

cheers to you and to fresh starts.

[whichwayisup]

He did do something similar but on a much smaller scale (with someone I know, it was awful) and I found the pictures she sent that he left on our computer. It still haunts me. He has never done anything like that since.

 

There may have been some element of revenge though I have taken it so much further. Now I worry we are doomed.

 

You both have messed up and both deserve a chance to make things good again.

 

Kudos to you for opening with your husband and telling him you were thinking of having an affair. Not many actually DO that, so it's a good start.

 

When he is back, just tell him the truth. If you feel comfortable, print out this thread or direct him here. Maybe he can even join in or at least read what others are advising you to do.

 

You made some mistakes, owned them (now it's time to own them in front of him) he's made mistakes as well..

 

I do hope though that your pictures don't end up in the wrong place.

[whichwayisup]

Just read your update.

 

Your marriage is going to be fine. You both are on the same page and wanting to work together to make things better.

 

All the best.

[harrybrown]

Hope it is a happy return.

 

If he does get angry, do not try to close him out. Tear down the wall, do not build one between you.

 

Try texting with him, if it does not bother him.

 

You should show him all the pictures so he is prepared.

 

Many people know what you look like and there is a very wide circle of these people.

 

Most of the those "guys" have already posted the pictures.

 

You did something great by telling him. Way to go.

[Confused48]

 

You should show him all the pictures so he is prepared.

 

 

I strongly disagree with this advice. Not unless he asks for it. Do not do this unless he asks. If he is smart, he won't ask. You can't un-see something once you see it.