exWP and OW don't want me to date.

[bentleychic]

I'm an OW and I would have laughed in his face and told him to go f*&@ himself.

 

Did he give you an option before he started screwing around with OW? No. He no longer deserves a choice in your personal life.

[runningfar]

When I told my ex this, he said that he and ow discussed this and think it would be better for me to not date at all until our son graduates college. ?

 

 

What the hell?!?! Why would they think they have any right to discuss you.

 

Tell him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. I tend to be balanced on all this - I am friends with my wayward ex husband- but **** no.

[SoAlone88]

When he cheated, was he thinking of your son? When he left was he thinking of your son?

 

Have him start babysitting more so you can date every night of the week.

 

Only talk to him when necessary about your son and get this jerk out of your life.

 

And what lie did they tell Dr. Laura about the situation anyway? It could not have been anything with the truth involved, because of all the lying and cheating.

In a previous post I said "his lady called Dr Laura" That was a typo. I meant to write "This lady called Dr. Laura". I know the wording is confusing. I should have put "this lady named Dr. Laura". Sorry.

[BetrayedH]

They're insane. Quit worrying about what they think.

[Solcita2]

I too thought I read everything here... I'm glad to read that you later said that you don't plan on listening his words and do whatever you want.

However I do tell you one thing: he has NO SAYING in what you do with your life from now on, if you wanna marry somebody else, have more children with that person, it's up to you... HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT...

Remember, you didn't have a saying when he left, right?

The same applies to you from the moment he left your house...

 

You are NOT supposed to ask him what he thinks... you, out of policy, might INFORM him... Actually I wouldn't even tell him you're starting to date until you are in a serious relationship or even thinking about introducing your new so to your son.

 

Best of lucks

[Mr. Lucky]

he said that he and ow discussed this and think it would be better for me to not date at all until our son graduates college.

Why does his AP get to have an opinion on how you live your life?

 

How much weight did they give your input on their affair ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Grumpybutfun]

Why did you even tell him/ask him anything about your personal life? When he cheated on you and destroyed your family, he lost all rights to you. The only thing he has a right to is his son as per law and any concerns regarding your son. You are off limits...stop discussing your life, interests, plans or anything with him. He is not married to you anymore, so you no longer have to walk on eggshells and kiss his arse in fear of retaliation due to his control problem. You really need to see a T if you even allowed him to get a sentence in on your dating or sex life.

Wow,

Grumps

[whereamigoing]

I'm an xOW and I think that is complete and utter crap and your ex is a butt. It is my belief that children benefit most from being surrounded by love and by being given shining examples of loving, caring relationships that are equal and supportive, regardless of who is married to who.

 

Also, no one will be happier than me or xMM when his BS finds happiness with someone else so this attitude really surprises me, even though there are no children in our situation.

Edited November 6, 2013 by whereamigoing
spelling

[cocorico]

A little over a year ago, I found out my partner was having an affair. A couple months after I found out, he told me he no longer love me and that he loves her and he wants to be with her. He left and I was heart broken for a long time. We have an almost 3 year old together, and I did not want to seperate him from his father so I also had to come to terms with the OW being around our son.

 

I feel that I am ready to start dating now. When I told my ex this, he didn't seem to care. Shortly after this a co-worker who had been flirting with me for a while asked me out and I accepted. When I told my ex this, he said that he and ow discussed this and think it would be better for me to not date at all until our son graduates college. His reasoning was that our son already had to get used to having another woman around and that he shouldn't have to do it again, should I decide that I want to marry another man. He said that when he has graduated college, he should be almost fully independent by then and thus would not be badly affected if I choose to date.

 

This seems totally unfair to me. I did not choose to be single. HE put this all on me. I LOVED him with all my heart and he left. So not only does he think I have to deal with the blow my self worth and happiness he took away from me, I also have to deal with being without the emotion and physical intimacy of a relationship for the next 18+ years? I told him this and he said I should be focusing 100% on our son and that I shouldn't need a relationship to make me happy. Our son is supposed to be the only love I need.

 

Does anyone agree with this?

 

It sounds to me like he is trying to justify his picture of you as asexual / a mother rather than a lover. If you date, fall in love, or remarry, he will not be able to sustain that image of you and his justification for his A (I'm assuming here) will be shown to be groundless.

 

It's also completely hypocritical, as others have pointed out, and completely fallacious.

[whichwayisup]

Everybody here agrees with one another and I can't think of any sane person that would agree with your ex H and his gf/Ow.

 

LIVE your life and don't even consider his request. He's nuts.

[underwater2010]

I think they can both blow it out their butts. If he didn't want you to date until his kid was in college, he should have kept in his pants and stayed married/faithful.

 

He no longer has any say in what you do with your romantic life. He burned that bridge awhile back.

 

I say go out and have some fun, but DO NOT introduce any new men to your kids until you are 95% sure that he is your next long term partner. It is not good for the kids to have mommy's or daddy's new boyfriends/girlfriends coming in and out of their lives. Kids get attached very easily and don't understand adult breakups. All they see is that life is unstable.

[underwater2010]

I just wanted to see if anyone here actually thinks this way and why. He isn't the only one who has said things like this. Apparently, his lady called Dr.Laura also thinks this way and she has a very large following.

 

First I used to listen to Dr. Laura all the time. If the case was presented as such by OW/now girlfriend/wife: My current significant other has and ex wife who wants to date....should she their child is x age. I can guess her response. She can but should not be introducing them to the child until they are prepared to make plans to marry.

 

My guess is:

A) she lied about calling. This is why you should ask them to find the podcast for you to listen to.

B) She misrepresented the case....ie made it sound more like you are a serial dater that brings men home. Again....ask for the podcast.

C) They listen to Dr Laura and just took the advice from someone with a similar question. Again, ask for the podcast.

 

Either way....why does their opinion matter one little bit. Yours didn't matter when he threw your marriage away like garbage.

[ClemsonTigers]

First off….she referred to the ex as her former "partner" which is a pretty good indication that they weren't married. He broke it off with her and started dating someone else. That doesn't make his new relationship "sinful" and the ex's girl an "ow". By definition, unmarried people are free to date whomever they want.

 

I certainly agree your ex (and/or his girlfriend/wife whom I doubt said anything) doesn't have any business telling you how to live your life and whether you can date. I can't believe you'd asked him for his opinion.

 

That being said. The question of whether or not YOU yourself should decide to date and/or possibly marry one day while raising a child is a good idea is a completely separate issue.

 

My position is that a single mother should wait and/or try to delay remarriage until the children are at least all teenagers and certainly until they are all supportive of the notion.

 

Remarriage and blended families are incredibly unstable relationships. Approximately 85% of such marriages fail. The other 15% are mostly living under a cloud of difficulties and anxieties with the constant threat of failure. This inherent instability is more stressful on children than just having a single parent focused, primarily, on their needs versus their own desires. To be clear, I'm not telling anyone they have to sacrifice for their children only that - from the kids point of view - it's often the better alternative and leads to arguably better outcomes for both mom & the kids in most situations.

 

Another reason. In general (there are millions of exceptions) it is extremely difficult for a young mother to find and marry a "good man". Most of the "good men", particularly young "good men" want their own children and don't want to raise another man's child. Therefore the single mother desirous of a relationship….ANY relationship with a man almost always have to make severe adjustments to her standards in order to secure such relationships. They end up with men they wouldn't date if they were childless and, consistent with such notion…don't stay with after the children are older. I try to advise such women that although, yes, they will be older when they finally do get the chance to seek a partner, the chances of finding a "good guy" actually increases as their children mature (the younger the children the more burdensome on the new guy) while at the same time the number of "good" divorced men in the dating pool whom have already had "their" children increases. Waiting is again a win - win for both mother AND the children.

 

Finally. Almost all child abuse both sexual and physical occur at the hands of step parents. Men with those tendencies target young desperate lonely single mothers. A single mother that just has to date better have some really good boundaries when it comes to involving her children in the relationship and I encourage such women to merely "date" for a good long time until they really learn a lot about themselves and what they want out of a relationship. If they really have to date…try to think of it as practice dating until the kid(s) are older and you can really start looking into pursuing a more serious relationship…even marriage later on.

Edited November 6, 2013 by ClemsonTigers

[underwater2010]

First off….she referred to the ex as her former "partner" which is a pretty good indication that they weren't married.

 

You are correct on that point...they were not married.

 

He broke it off with her and started dating someone else.

 

A little wrong on that point. She caught him cheating a year BEFORE he broke it off.

 

That doesn't make his new relationship "sinful" and the ex's girl an "ow".

 

It does if they were in a monogamous relationship. If they were "partners", had a child together and were in a monogamous relationship that makes her the OW and him a full blown cheater.

 

By definition, unmarried people are free to date whomever they want.

 

So by that standard if you are in a committed relationship or engaged, you are free to screw whom ever you chose? Sorry that doesn't fly in my book or the book of everyone I know.

 

.

 

Other than most of the above I agree with you assessment of single moms/dads bring people in and out of their kids lives without a second thought to the possible issues. All you have to do is watch the news and/or do a little research on the internet. Plenty of sick men and women out there that do not hesitate to terrorize kids that are not biologically theirs.

[ClemsonTigers]

So by that standard if you are in a committed relationship or engaged, you are free to screw whom ever you chose? Sorry that doesn't fly in my book or the book of everyone I know.

 

That doesn't fly in my Book either. In my Book you shouldn't be "screwing" anyone you aren't married to.

 

Fornication doesn't make couples exclusive…marriage does.

 

Cheating, while not nice, isn't adultery.

[underwater2010]

That doesn't fly in my Book either. In my Book you shouldn't be "screwing" anyone you aren't married to.

 

Fornication doesn't make couples exclusive…marriage does.

 

Cheating, while not nice, isn't adultery.

So by this standard...do you not recognize common law marriage?

[ClemsonTigers]

So by this standard...do you not recognize common law marriage?

 

Is/was the original poster in a common law marriage? Strange that she'd refer to her common law husband as her "partner".

 

I've met hundreds of common law married couples. Most elderly and married for years coming out of the Appalachia Mountains. These couples generally had what they'd refer to as a wedding date and both held themselves out as married from the day they moved in together. I'm not much of a fan of individuals whom choose to simple cohabit being referred to afterwards (typically by one against the other in a legal matter or blame game) as "common law married". The law is the law but I'm not in favor of gay marriage either so even if a state recognizes it doesn't mean I have to or that it's right. I kind of take the same approach the Supreme Court takes when assessing whether something is pornographic or not - - - - "I'll know it when I see it". YMMV

[Try]

Shortly after this a co-worker who had been flirting with me for a while asked me out and I accepted. When I told my ex this, he said that he and ow discussed this and think it would be better for me to not date at all until our son graduates college. His reasoning was that our son already had to get used to having another woman around and that he shouldn't have to do it again, should I decide that I want to marry another man. He said that when he has graduated college, he should be almost fully independent by then and thus would not be badly affected if I choose to date.

Both your ex and the other women (OW) are selfish proven liars and cheats, that do not care about you at all. They have lost their moral compasses, and have no standing to try to tell you what the correct path in life is best. Go date and find happiness, while you are still young enough to have a good chance at finding someone that is a good person. Your happiness will make your child happy, and will be best for both you and your child.

[SoAlone88]

First off….she referred to the ex as her former "partner" which is a pretty good indication that they weren't married. He broke it off with her and started dating someone else. That doesn't make his new relationship "sinful" and the ex's girl an "ow". By definition, unmarried people are free to date whomever they want.

 

My ex was screwing her while we were still in a relationship. Or are you trying to say that since we weren't legally married, he should have been able to do whatever he pleases? That doesn't sit well with me. I can understand if very religious people feel that taking an oath under god is the only commitment one can make to another person. But to people who aren't it makes no difference.

 

I don't think it's fair that I would have to wait years and years for any type of emotional or physical intimacy.My ex certainly didn't. He has someone to share the rest of his life ( possibly ) with. Those are both basic human adult needs and a child does not replace those.

 

Furthermore, if someone waits that long, it would be extremely difficult to get back on the dating scene again. Maybe even impossible. Especially if they became a single mom at an older age. What if the woman in questions is 37? She wouldn't be able to date until she is 55. If she waits until her kids finish college like my ex suggested, she would be 60. Who would want to date a woman who hasn't had any type of relationship, or sex in so long that she forgot what it's even like? It would be like dating a teenager who is awkwardly trying out dating for the first time.

 

If a women both waits to date, and also has to remain celibate until she is married ( as you seem to suggest ) I doubt she would ever find anyone to marry. How many men are there that would be in her age bracket would be willing to be celibate during a relationship until they get married ( which takes years )? Most men at that age are not virgins and I find that even men who are religious find it very hard, or are not willing to give up sex. If a man IS a virgin, he surely wouldn't want to date a woman who had kids outside of marriage or a divorced woman. He would want a woman who also is a virgin.

[ClemsonTigers]

I'm very sorry he cheated on you. I'm not saying he was right, I was merely commenting on others describing his new relationship as "sinful".

 

I am a Christian counselor. I merely shared my ideas that I hoped you'd consider. I don't dictate whom you or anyone can have sex with or how you conduct your life. You came here, I presume, for an array of opinions. Mine differed from the others so maybe it gave you something extra to chew on as you determine how YOU want to live your life.

 

Having a child out of wedlock appears to have been a mistake (I'm certain you love your child and I'm not calling him or her a mistake)

Having a child with your ex-boyfriend live in lover was apparently a mistake too. (he's certainly proved himself to be a bad choice)

You can do better.

 

It appears you aren't exactly an expert on this whole dating…living together…picking the right person thing yet and NOW there's another person (your child) in the picture hoping you figure things out including his/her best interests as you do so. I'm only encouraging you to stop and think. Try to avoid living a life based upon feelings and being happy versus doing what is right (how ever you logically define that). If you just have to date…consider continuing to post about your dating experiences and thoughts with other women. If a successful relationship is your desire find a mentor that's a former single woman now happily married raising children versus just speaking to and sharing with other single mothers that have themselves been unsuccessful. Success breads success.

 

You are RIGHT…it's not fair. Your ex isn't and hasn't considered the best interests of your child together for years….but consider that just maybe your child doesn't need TWO parents that both put themselves ahead of his/her interests completely. That…years from now…you'll be proud of yourself for standing by your child and putting him/her/them first. Again…you don't HAVE to forego anything…just educate yourself and do better and be smarter than you've been up to here.

 

BTW...You aren't alone…these forums are full of people learning and trying to do better (including an old fart like me).

 

I wish you and your child the best.

Edited November 6, 2013 by ClemsonTigers

[peruano99]

You can date whoever you want. I wish you find the right man out there for you. Best of lucks.

[ClemsonTigers]

 

I feel that I am ready to start dating now.. Shortly after this a co-worker who had been flirting with me for a while asked me out and I accepted.

 

 

What made you feel you were ready to start dating now? I tend to find that this happens at the precise moment an opportunity arises. For example, in this situation, co-worker flirts with you and seems nice. Once the flirting has escalated to a point of attraction suddenly you're feeling "ready to date". Being "ready to date" maybe wasn't the result of some logical approach to reentering the dating market but rather a response to an attraction (which almost could have been anyone). This wouldn't technically be "being ready to date" and the fact you talked to your ex about it is another indication you don't sound that ready.

 

You've already accepted the date (and maybe went out last weekend already). How did it go? What are you going to do? Do you think you like the guy already? Would you have dated him years ago…before you met your ex or is he just kinda OK and better than nothing?

 

If you want to be treated like a recent divorcee, then I ask|encourage my divorcee clients to wait at least 6 full months after their divorces and then ask|encourage them to date 20 different persons before committing to anyone of them specifically. They are to journal about these relationships and then we discuss their thoughts and feelings about these persons. They are learning to date, have patience and about being selective about what they like and don't like such that when they do…later on (hopefully much later on) meet Mr. or Mrs. Right…they will more successfully recognize them as being Mr. and Mrs. Right versus Mr or Mrs. Right Now.

 

Dating is warfare and it's brutal. It's wonderful you are willing to put yourself back out there into the fray. Your future is up in the air. Worst case you end up with multiple children with multiple fathers, alone again and miserable. Best case…you learn from your mistakes, educate yourself, use your God given brain and navigate a successful and happy future for both you and your child(ten) maybe including a wonderful relationship which adds to that.

 

A relationship is a WANT not a need. You don't HAVE TO HAVE a man to be happy.

Edited November 6, 2013 by ClemsonTigers

[Timmos]

This seems totally unfair to me. I did not choose to be single. HE put this all on me. I LOVED him with all my heart and he left. So not only does he think I have to deal with the blow my self worth and happiness he took away from me, I also have to deal with being without the emotion and physical intimacy of a relationship for the next 18+ years? I told him this and he said I should be focusing 100% on our son and that I shouldn't need a relationship to make me happy. Our son is supposed to be the only love I need.

 

Does anyone agree with this?

 

If he didn't want you to date, he wouldn't have done this to you. **** him.

[2sunny]

You don't need his approval!

 

Stop telling him ANY of YOUR personal info and feelings!

[SoAlone88]

Clemson, I feel like you are implying that I am going to just go out and sleep with any man that looks at me twice.

 

I don't do that. I can't date let alone have sex with someone I don't have a strong connection to. I can't have sex with just anyone. This is one of the reasons my exes cheating hurt so bad. He is the only person I have had sex with.

Having my son outside of marriage was wrong bit it isn't a mistake I will make again.