We broke up.... againn

[ampxo]

A part of me is sick because I'm the one that caused all of this from my own insecurities & jealousy issues. But another part of me is mad because i accepted this relationship and him as all I deserve. My past relationship before this, was extremely unhealthy. I was emotionally abused and it tore down my self esteem. And this relationship, yes was great some of the times but I guess I don't want to accept that that's not enough. Espesially when I try to justify someone as f*cked up as him. All he cares about is looks. He said he wants me to look like a model at all times. And these types of things I seen as okay because he has some good quality's too. He said id look better with blonde hair. And wore different makeup.. so I changed my hair to lighter and started wearing different makeup. I tried so hard to be what he wanted & this is how it all ends. I know a lot of you probably think I'm crazy and pathetic but Ive known this all along I just couldn't accept it because I don't want to go through another breakup. It took me 8 months to fully get over my last relationship.

[pteromom]

A part of me is sick because I'm the one that caused all of this from my own insecurities & jealousy issues. But another part of me is mad because i accepted this relationship and him as all I deserve. My past relationship before this, was extremely unhealthy. I was emotionally abused and it tore down my self esteem. And this relationship, yes was great some of the times but I guess I don't want to accept that that's not enough. Espesially when I try to justify someone as f*cked up as him. All he cares about is looks. He said he wants me to look like a model at all times. And these types of things I seen as okay because he has some good quality's too. He said id look better with blonde hair. And wore different makeup.. so I changed my hair to lighter and started wearing different makeup. I tried so hard to be what he wanted & this is how it all ends. I know a lot of you probably think I'm crazy and pathetic but Ive known this all along I just couldn't accept it because I don't want to go through another breakup. It took me 8 months to fully get over my last relationship.

 

I don't think you are crazy. I think you are YOUNG.

 

You have yet to learn that *you* get to choose. You don't just wait for whatever-guy to choose you, and then try to bend yourself to be what he wants.

 

You can do so so much better than this guy. I promise.

 

Here's what you need to do.

 

Go NC with him. He's not good for you, and any contact is just going to add to more drama.

 

Do not date. Do not attempt to get into relationships AT ALL.

 

Focus on improving yourself. Education, hobbies, friendships, travel, spiritual pursuits, reading, fitness, nutrition, meditation... make yourself whole without a guy. Learn to love yourself. Learn that you are OK and "enough" exactly as you are.

 

When you start dating again, come up with a list of attributes for the man you are seeking. Not silly things like hair color and what he drives, but things like: Treats all people and animals with respect and kindness, Honest, Happy, Ambitious, Balanced, etc. Things that MATTER. (and if you don't know what things matter, read a whole bunch of dating self-help books. They are free at the library.)

 

If a guy doesn't meet your standard, don't date him. Even if he is really good looking. Even if he promises you the moon. Even if he makes your heart flutter. Because you are just setting yourself up for failure and heartache.

 

You have some growing to do. And in the long run, you will be thanking this guy for offering you the opportunity to do it. Trust me.

[ampxo]

I don't think you are crazy. I think you are YOUNG.

 

You have yet to learn that *you* get to choose. You don't just wait for whatever-guy to choose you, and then try to bend yourself to be what he wants.

 

You can do so so much better than this guy. I promise.

 

Here's what you need to do.

 

Go NC with him. He's not good for you, and any contact is just going to add to more drama.

 

Do not date. Do not attempt to get into relationships AT ALL.

 

Focus on improving yourself. Education, hobbies, friendships, travel, spiritual pursuits, reading, fitness, nutrition, meditation... make yourself whole without a guy. Learn to love yourself. Learn that you are OK and "enough" exactly as you are.

 

When you start dating again, come up with a list of attributes for the man you are seeking. Not silly things like hair color and what he drives, but things like: Treats all people and animals with respect and kindness, Honest, Happy, Ambitious, Balanced, etc. Things that MATTER. (and if you don't know what things matter, read a whole bunch of dating self-help books. They are free at the library.)

 

If a guy doesn't meet your standard, don't date him. Even if he is really good looking. Even if he promises you the moon. Even if he makes your heart flutter. Because you are just setting yourself up for failure and heartache.

 

You have some growing to do. And in the long run, you will be thanking this guy for offering you the opportunity to do it. Trust me.

 

thank you so much for this. I needed to read this. I need to focus on repairing myself. I guess i never even did that from my past relationship and then before i knew it i was in a new, unhealthy relationship all over again.

This will be hard but i will be stronger because of it.

[pteromom]

thank you so much for this. I needed to read this. I need to focus on repairing myself. I guess i never even did that from my past relationship and then before i knew it i was in a new, unhealthy relationship all over again.

This will be hard but i will be stronger because of it.

 

Yes, you will.

 

Do you have a family member or friend you can call when it gets really hard and you want to call him? Set yourself up with a support system while you are feeling strong and empowered.

 

You can get through this. It makes me so sad to see someone SETTLING for someone who treats her like this. Changing your hair color? Look like a model? Really? If someone can't love you for exactly who you are, NEXT! Immediately. From now on, that's the rule, OK?

[ampxo]

Yes, you will.

 

Do you have a family member or friend you can call when it gets really hard and you want to call him? Set yourself up with a support system while you are feeling strong and empowered.

 

You can get through this. It makes me so sad to see someone SETTLING for someone who treats her like this. Changing your hair color? Look like a model? Really? If someone can't love you for exactly who you are, NEXT! Immediately. From now on, that's the rule, OK?

 

I know I will not call him. The issue is I know he will call me again and I'm more afraid of answering the phone and falling back into that trap. He calls, I answer. He'll want to hangout and that's the trap. Ill be back in this vicious cycle. I deleted and blocked him off of facebook so I cant be tortured by looking at him everyday. So that's step one I guess. I have to have my best interest at heart here and not answer that phonecall when it happens

[pteromom]

I know I will not call him. The issue is I know he will call me again and I'm more afraid of answering the phone and falling back into that trap. He calls, I answer. He'll want to hangout and that's the trap. Ill be back in this vicious cycle. I deleted and blocked him off of facebook so I cant be tortured by looking at him everyday. So that's step one I guess. I have to have my best interest at heart here and not answer that phonecall when it happens

 

Can you block his number?

 

You have more control that you think. Remember that when that phone rings, it isn't because he is calling to profess his love for you and change into the guy you think he could be. It's only because he's horny, and you are an easy lay for him. That's it.

 

Not trying to be crude, but if you think of it in those terms, that he is only calling you for pu$$y, maybe it will be easier for you to hang up the phone in disgust.

[ampxo]

Can you block his number?

 

You have more control that you think. Remember that when that phone rings, it isn't because he is calling to profess his love for you and change into the guy you think he could be. It's only because he's horny, and you are an easy lay for him. That's it.

 

Not trying to be crude, but if you think of it in those terms, that he is only calling you for pu$$y, maybe it will be easier for you to hang up the phone in disgust.

 

I know, that's how all of this started again this time. We broke up, he called a week later to have a sleepover and then we were back at it again. I want to thank you for your support, It really means a lot to me.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

i don't agree with the marriage bs. to me marriage IS a relationship tied with a certificate, a meaningless one. the only point to marriage was religion and sex but things have changed, for the better.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

It is, it's what little girls are told and conditioned into. It's completely unnecessary. Give me a really good reason to get married.

[crederer]

I dunno. Anyone I talk to in person about my situation insist I push and try to get her back as she's still single (always a woman giving that advice, I might add). The men don't really give input they just awknowledge what I'm saying and say some sort of cliche sympathetic remark.

 

Most internet advice is the opposite of that. Then on the flip side you hear people say things like "well I regret leaving him but he shouldn't have let me leave if he loved me so much" and other contradictory things so I don't really know.

 

I'd like to go for it sometimes then other times I think that I should just nut up and find someone else. I find lots of people but my heart isn't in it, I don't want to put the effort in and I think about my ex while I'm with them. It's kind of ironic though, the dates I've been on where I've put very little effort in seem to be the girls that chase after me the most. I dunno if that's a psychological thing or what.

[Never Again]

A good, solid healthy relationship is worth fighting for BEFORE it's irreversibly broken.

 

 

Once you get to the point where some person has decided to walk away, there is nothing left to fight for so don't waste your time & energy. You should have been putting all of the into making the relationship work in the 1st place. If you were busting your hump to make it work & it still failed, that's on the other person, not you, & there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome.

 

 

No fighting / effort should be required in the 1st 6 months. That's the honeymoon period when everything is supposed to be perfect. To break up & get back together 5 times in that short time is insane. It's also not healthy.

 

 

Most people can't even figure out whether they are truly in love within such a short period of time.

 

I agree with this.

 

Now, the honeymoon can end earlier if outside stress or fights come into play, but the first 5-8 months really should be a cakewalk.

 

OP, your relationship has been broken several times over. The honeymoon has ended due to the constant breakups. Even if you are actually in love, there's something fundamentally wrong here. Let it rest.

 

That being said, I don't really understand this "fight for marriage, but nothing else" sentiment.

 

After that giddy beginning, relationships aren't always natural. In fact, rough patches should be expected.

 

A couple that can't weather a rough patch and fight together for their relationship hasn't truly tested the foundation of their commitment.

 

Personally, I'd never get married to someone based on a relationship that I never had to fight for. Maybe that makes me weird, but I prefer to KNOW through someone's actions that they'll stick with me.

 

Words, even on a marriage certificate, are cheap.

 

I expect to ensure someone can walk the walk, instead of trusting their talkity-talk. (Is ashamed at his horrible rhyme).

[Fufu]

So six months ago i met a guy, and instantly when i looked at him I knew he was going to be mine. I remember thinking 'he's going to be my man'. Needless to say, we hung out once, we clicked instantly and hung out everyday and after one week we make it official.

i felt extremely comfortable around him from the beginning. We just have this connection like someone i've never really felt before.

We been together for the past 6 months, but we broke up about 5 times for a short amount of time. No real big issues, over silly fights and usually I was the one that ended it out of anger, which was immature of me.

When were together, we are perfect. Our relationship is great for the most part. I know all relationships, even the best of the best need a little work.

We broke up about 4 weeks ago, stopped talking for a week. As soon as we seen each other again, from that moment we got back together. He stood there in the middle of a crowded room kissed me and i felt it in every part of my body, he said 'I missed you so much'.

So, for the past 4 weeks we have been perfect. Better than we have ever been. Untill last Friday, i found out he went to a club on halloween night which really made me mad, call it being insecure.. whatever you want to call it, i was pissed. So i called him, freaked out. Ignored him for that friday, and all day Saturday. I went to a party on Saturday night, someone had my phone and texted him saying 'sorry there is someone else i dont want you anymore'. The same person who told me he was downtown. A guy friend of mine. It's clear this friend of mine doesn't want me with him. Anyways i freaked out on this person. Explained to my bf that it wasn't me and he told me not to bother calling him or texting him, saying he was done.

I sent him three long text messages saying how much i loved him, how i didn't want to fight or break up again and that it's stupid. He didn't respond to any of them and that was Sunday. So it's been two days and i still haven't heard anything from him.

 

What do you guys think about on again and off again relationships. When we are ON we are perfect. We always talked about our future, kids, marriage. etc.. I even had my IUD removed because we were going to start trying soon.

But it seems like when we fight, we don't know how to communicate through our problems and instead we break up, not speak to each other and i am miserable thinking that this is the end of us. I'm sick of it. We both have such similar personalities and we are both very stubborn. I know there is no point in trying to calling him or texting him again because that will only give him more of the reason to be more distant cause he know's that i will just try to keep pursuing and he'll know im not going anywhere.

If he loved me as much as he said he does, then why is it so easy for him to let go.

Does anyone have an advice, or just share your opinion of the situation.

I know our relationship has only been 6 months long, which is not long at all. I have been in a three year, two year and one year relationships but none of them were like this one. We're best friends and our relationship has great potential.

 

 

Together for 6 months and you have already initiated 5 times of break up, my dear you need to control your anger and don't say the word "break" so easily. This guy can take it once or twice, but not forever. It's very hurting to him.

 

Based on what you describe your situation, you seemed to be someone who reacts uncontrollably to situation, you need to calm down. And it sounds to me you don't really trust him.

 

If he really doesn't want to work out with you, there's nothing much you can do but to accept his decision.

 

If only 6 months and you guys had fight and quarrels and doesn't want to work out with you, how do you think this will eventually lead to the kind of marriage you want?

[Fufu]

A part of me is sick because I'm the one that caused all of this from my own insecurities & jealousy issues. But another part of me is mad because i accepted this relationship and him as all I deserve. My past relationship before this, was extremely unhealthy. I was emotionally abused and it tore down my self esteem. And this relationship, yes was great some of the times but I guess I don't want to accept that that's not enough. Espesially when I try to justify someone as f*cked up as him. All he cares about is looks. He said he wants me to look like a model at all times. And these types of things I seen as okay because he has some good quality's too. He said id look better with blonde hair. And wore different makeup.. so I changed my hair to lighter and started wearing different makeup. I tried so hard to be what he wanted & this is how it all ends. I know a lot of you probably think I'm crazy and pathetic but Ive known this all along I just couldn't accept it because I don't want to go through another breakup. It took me 8 months to fully get over my last relationship.

 

We all make mistakes. About your own insecurities and jealousy issues, this is something you will have to work on yourself eventually. I think it is best that you remain single for yourself and find out exactly of a healthy relationship you really want.

 

I tell you it's super tiring to have a partner that only wants you for looks. It's like he is treating you like a DOLL but not even liking you for who you are. Why do you want to be with such man?

 

Some people will go through several break ups before they find the person they want to settle and spend their lives with. Don't lose yourself just because you have not find this guy.

 

(And my dear it took my close to 3 years to get over my ex, it's a long time but I learned lots during the recovery stage and I'm in a great relationship now)

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Well, is there really a point giving you a reason? I mean, you've decided to allow your ex to win the breakup. You've vowed never to have a relationship again. Is it really a discussion you want to have? Or are you just poopy and throwing a pity party?

 

The reality is, people get married all the time. In some countries, marriage rates have even increased. So it has a hell of a lot of importance to a lot of people out there.

 

But the best reason to get married, is also the only one. Because you love someone enough, to say "I want to belong to you", in front of your family and friends.

 

But I'm pretty sure you won't understand that...

 

Not a fan of the patronising 'little girls are confitioned' comment either. I meet men all the time, who see marriage the same as a woman does.

 

Marriage is just a social thing that is expected, the family already knows if you love each other. To spend so much on one day to remind everyone is embarrassing. It's nothing more than a gloat shrine. People need to start thinking critically and ask themselves how much do they really love me if they are willing to drop me if I don't marry them to prove I love them. It's so ironic. Marry me to prove you love me or I'll break your heart LOL. Marry me, THEN we can share our most inner thoughts.

 

Marriage is a scam, don't get scammed. It's the most successful wealth transfer scheme invented. I don't want the state involved in my life, in my love. Love is between two people that's it.

 

Marriage is outdated, and quite frankly, 100% insane. It's nothing more than an outdated tradition of permanently locking together two people, based on the outdated concept of religion.

[Never Again]

Deleted: I was cranky.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Pfenixphire

[pteromom]

Marriage is just a social thing that is expected, the family already knows if you love each other. To spend so much on one day to remind everyone is embarrassing. It's nothing more than a gloat shrine. People need to start thinking critically and ask themselves how much do they really love me if they are willing to drop me if I don't marry them to prove I love them. It's so ironic. Marry me to prove you love me or I'll break your heart LOL. Marry me, THEN we can share our most inner thoughts.

 

Marriage is a scam, don't get scammed. It's the most successful wealth transfer scheme invented. I don't want the state involved in my life, in my love. Love is between two people that's it.

 

Marriage is outdated, and quite frankly, 100% insane. It's nothing more than an outdated tradition of permanently locking together two people, based on the outdated concept of religion.

 

I don't agree with you, but if this is the way you feel, there's no law saying you have to get married. Just be sure to share your views upfront with anyone you date.

 

As far as fighting for a relationship, there's merit to the concept. But here's the kicker. Fighting for a relationship doesn't mean convincing someone else they should be with you. It's about convincing YOURSELF to change attitudes and behaviors that get in the way of a nurturing growing relationship. That's the GOOD kind of fighting for a relationship.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

Oh I did and they agreed for seven years, then turned around and dumped me. Chameleon girlfriend and all that.

[pteromom]

Oh I did and they agreed for seven years, then turned around and dumped me. Chameleon girlfriend and all that.

 

Meh. People are allowed to change their mind about what they want in life. Sorry you got dumped though.