Break Ups and the SILENCE. now?

[CharlieKitty]

Hello,

 

So...I've been dating this man for 8 months. We have had a few arguments and they all were over the same thing. Here is the short story.

 

I met him through my brothers girlfriend of 3 months. She is a bartender at one of those strip mall lottery bars. I had recently moved here and didn't know anyone so she set me up on a date with this guy. We hit it off immediately...just great chemistry and everything. He had told me the first night he met that him and Sally were just friends. A few days later he apologized and said he wanted to be upfront and clarify something. Apparently several years ago he and Sally had contemplated a relationship and he wanted to date her but nothing ever came about it. He said she had asked him to say that if the question ever came up.

 

Moving forward... since she was dating my brother and she was a "bartender friend", i had asked him to not discuss any of our personal business with her. Let them do their thing and we will do ours. We are all adults. The arguments started when things I would say to him always got back to her, then back to me via my brother. I guess I felt it was taboo for personal stuff to be discussed giving the circumstances. We had several blow-ups about this and he always said she is just a friend....well, what was I? 5 months pass...during this time I rarely saw or spoke to my brother...then a few weeks ago me and my brother got together and hung out all day. He told me at that time that he had broke up with Sally months ago.

 

Really? Ok. I asked my bf why he didn't tell me about Sally and my brother? He swore he did not know. However, the very next day he was back at her bar asking her what had happened. How do I know this, well, the day after he went there, she asked my brother why he told me, she didn't want any one of those bar groupy people knowing... now...my brother is implying in his texts and conversations that I told my boyfriend every thing he had told me. I didn't ...I did mention a lot tho. My brother was "fishing" to see what I said and made it seem like my boyfriend had told his ex everything.... I called my bf up and asked him why he felt the need to keep telling her everything...

 

That it just causes problems in our family. He got all pissy and said he didn't. Ok. Normally he would spend Wednesdays and the entire weekends with me as he lives and works 30 miles from me. He sent me a text that Wednesday morning asking if I still wanted him to come down. I said probably not tonight as I just want to wrap my head around what's going on...later he sent a text asking If I wanted to pick up his stuff. I said no...but nothing more. 2 days passed and it was Saturday, I had heard nothing from him...I sent him a text asking what his plan was. He said to come pick up his stuff. I said so since you wish to pick up your stuff, then you no longer wish to be in a relationship with me. He said correct.

 

I asked him why. He said your call last Tuesday when you jumped all over me. It was the last time. I told him that was fair, but what about me and my feelings that you feel this incessant need to discuss my family with her? He said again she's just a friend. I said what am I, he said more than a friend. Then he said he just wants to end all the problems and this isn't working for either of us and what time tomorrow can I pick my stuff up. Well, when he came to get his stuff my brother was here...I didn't cry nor beg, just told him this was not what I wanted, that in my mind we did not have that many problems. I asked him if this was really it. He said just let me get my stuff and maybe we will talk about it. He really didn't talk about it, just said he would miss me tremendously...

 

I was leaning against the driver seat of his truck when he said that, so I gave him a hug, he hugged back then asked me to please step away... that was 2 weeks and 2 days ago. I did try calling a few times, sent a few "why are you doing this to us" text messages....then I stopped, calmed down and a few days later sent him a heartfelt letter (handwritten), it was nothing mushy, just a sincere apology about not trusting him not listening to what he said and went on what my brother said... ( I do honestly feel like my brother was stirring the pot) (then again my bf did go to her asking about their breakup)....since then I do not text him much, maybe every few days I will send a "Hope you are doing well", "we miss you".

 

We are both in our 40's, we were planning things around my house for the future, had bought things for it, worked on projects together...I thought I had sincerely found a nice man. I think I did... now it's as if it all never happened, just a good dream that turned into a nightmare. I am trying to give him his space and not make him feel cornered, but yet ...I am just not ready to give up. I'm scared to just show up at his place...even if he never comes back, why the silence??

 

I'd rather him say "Bitch, just leave me alone forever" than this silence crap. I am staying busy, I am doing what I have always done, I am not trying to dwell into this too deep and get depressed but man....hate the silence. Any suggestions or thoughts??

Edited November 6, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[aybc123]

So you're sending him texts etc since the breakup and he isn't replying correct?

 

Circumstances were different but i got the same thing essentially. I don't know why people do it, i think it's pretty ****ty behaviour but some people here seem to think it's natural, i guess it just depends on the person and how they handle this kind of thing.

 

Anyway basically it's that they've made up their mind, it isn't changing and they don't want to discuss it and they don't want to have the conflict of telling you to leave off or that its over for good etc so they just say nothing and hope you get the hint. It's pretty cowardly imo but whatever.

 

If i were you i would definitely stop messaging him, he obviously doesn't want to talk to you right now and nothing you say is going to change his mind, if anything continuing to bug him for ages is just going to keep him in the place where he wants to ignore you. If he wants to reconnect at some point either as friends or more then it's gonna have to come from him completely and after enough time has passed for him to drop his 'ex shield' (what i call the cold wall that goes up when someone dumps someone).

 

But you shouldnt really be waiting around for that because it may never happen. He's already NC on you so you really need to do the same and start to heal up. You probably feel like you're lacking closure because you never got a final message or goodbye (i know i did) but i can tell you it probably wouldnt have helped that much anyway, you know how things were when you last saw him so best to assume that's how he feels now and try to make your own closure.

[CharlieKitty]

Correct. He has made zero contact. The few texts I've sent have been lighthearted, no begging to see him, no undying love stuff. I'm too old for that. least not to him )

 

I know men compartmentalize everything and make it seem easier for them than it is for some women. But really? It is hard to comprehend how someone goes from planning the future to just plain gone. I agree with it's a cowardly approach. I know he's put a shield up. I also know how much he enjoyed our time together (least he used to) I know he is an extrovert and his friends and family all had told him how happier/healthier he's been. My mind wants to think he's being a big baby and punishing me by the silence but again, really?

 

I'm not sending texts... not for awhile... yes, I did apologize, I think I have been pretty good at not being needy, least not that he can see, yes I am going to move along with life and continue to move forward.

 

What comforts me is telling myself that if he did all this simply because him discussing my family and our relationship with this so called bartender friend and chose to leave everything we had going on here, then it was best for me he left now rather than later.

 

When I last saw him he said how much he was going to miss us and everything we did/shared together. Well then, why don't he just grow up and communicate??

 

If I had of said "yes, please come over tonight" vs the "no, probably not tonight" would he have reacted differently? He made a snarky comment about have fun doing whatever it is your doing tonight after I said not to come over...really?

 

I've read so many conflicting things to do and not to do....why they go silent....to me, it's easier just to talk about it even if things do not go the way you want them too.

 

I agree with the closure part also.... even though it would be nice, it is not necessary to move on with life, it would just help, maybe......LOL wow....

[NoLeafClover]

I been silence with my ex almost 5 months now...since last time we spoke and broke up harshly..I couldn't even tell you if I was the dumper or if she was...Either-way, Sometimes it is better to be silent and fight with yourself then give in and contact the ex and never know what version of that person you're going to get ..potentially breaking your heart even more.

 

Silence is the best treatment for a broken heart but it's also the harsh treatment for a broken heart....yet it's the quickest medicine that can help you move on and heal faster then having any type of communication.

 

This is at least what I have learned so far...and I was with my ex for 7 1/2 years almost...which didn't even end in crappy "goodbye" or "Peace" comment.. was more like, me hanging up the phone as she's calling me names and Silence since.

 

I know how you feel when you get the silence treatment. It's very ****ty especially after such a long time but you can't do anything about it. If they wanted to be with us, they would work things out. My ex also told our business to her mom which as funny as it sounds, was also my main reason that broke us apart.

 

Do yourself a favor, Bite your tongue if you have to and dont talk about him or text/call him again.

At least you tried.

I know you might feel like you found a good man, but it might be mostly cause you're new to the area.

Edited November 5, 2013 by NoLeafClover

[aybc123]

i dont think it's a man/woman thing, there's pretty much no difference in how each acts imo. Also my ex who is ignoring me now is a girl.

 

Honestly it probably went something like 'this isnt going to work, i cant be with her, if i cant be with her there's no point talking about it, if there's no point in talking about it then im just not going to because it's uncomfortable plus im kinda pissed off (aka know im guilty and projecting)'.

 

Also dont play the what if game, if something small is going to cause you to break up like you saying no dont come over then it couldve happened with anything.

[CharlieKitty]

I been silence with my ex almost 5 months now...since last time we spoke and broke up harshly..I couldn't even tell you if I was the dumper or if she was...Either-way, Sometimes it is better to be silent and fight with yourself then give in and contact the ex and never know what version of that person you're going to get ..potentially breaking your heart even more.

 

Silence is the best treatment for a broken heart but it's also the harsh treatment for a broken heart....yet it's the quickest medicine that can help you move on and heal faster then having any type of communication.

 

This is at least what I have learned so far...and I was with my ex for 7 1/2 years almost...which didn't even end in crappy "goodbye" or "Peace" LoveShack.org: Interpersonal Relationship Advice and Assistance Center - Love and dating advice, platonic relationships, and more... was more like, me hanging up the phone as she's calling me names and Silence since.

 

I know how you feel when you get the silence treatment. It's very ****ty especially after such a long time but you can't do anything about it. If they wanted to be with us, they would work things out. My ex also told our business to her mom which as funny as it sounds, was also my main reason that broke us apart.

 

Do yourself a favor, Bite your tongue if you have to and dont talk about him or text/call him again.

At least you tried.

I know you might feel like you found a good man, but it might be mostly cause you're new to the area.

 

Thank you for that very open and honest reply. I am sorry for what you are going through. Don't you ever feel though, that things ended harshly for you, during a heated argument, that perhaps things have cooled of enough for the two of you to have a calm conversation? What if she is just as stubborn as you are and will not be the first to contact?? I don't think a woman talking/telling things to her mother is so bad....maybe it was hurtful to your pride? I don't know the type of personal business...

 

I tried, not sure just yet if I am finished trying either. After my head gets to a better place and I know I won't break down and cry if I see him, then I might just go for it. Again, I haven't decided.

 

I also had though maybe since I am so new to this area and...that I went through the death of my father shortly after I arrived, I needed him for a companion. You know the saying "A reason for the season" whatever it is, it just sucks when they aren't even mature and adult enough to reply back with anything!!!! Trust me, he isn't a youngun either.

[CharlieKitty]

I know it does zero good wondering why the person ended the relationship with you, but really.... I personally, do not ever want to go through this again, and if it something that I can learn and grow from to help in future relations, then...I'd like opinions.

 

I've read several times that the person who leaves had checked out way before the actual day. That lead me down memory lane.

 

In my situation I saw nothing that gave me any clues this was coming, just the opposite. A few weeks prior we went shopping and he bought several pairs of clothing and personal items to keep here in my house so he didn't have to drag clothes back and forth. He'd bought things to put in the garage so he could work on things in there...he planted bulbs so we could watch them grow next year. Too me, that didn't seem like he had checked out.

[headinthecloud]

I know it does zero good wondering why the person ended the relationship with you, but really.... I personally, do not ever want to go through this again, and if it something that I can learn and grow from to help in future relations, then...I'd like opinions.

 

I've read several times that the person who leaves had checked out way before the actual day. That lead me down memory lane.

 

In my situation I saw nothing that gave me any clues this was coming, just the opposite. A few weeks prior we went shopping and he bought several pairs of clothing and personal items to keep here in my house so he didn't have to drag clothes back and forth. He'd bought things to put in the garage so he could work on things in there...he planted bulbs so we could watch them grow next year. Too me, that didn't seem like he had checked out.

 

In my experience, some men will continue going through the motions even though they have already checked out. It seems he wasn't honest with you as those actions clearly don't line up with an impending BU. I'm sorry, you must have felt blindsided.

[Riou]

My ex was talking about the future and showing a lot of affection till the last day. He blindsided you to ensure a smooth break up. People are selfish by nature and once love wears off,they do all sorts of things that serve their purpose best.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Riou

[ponchsox]

My ex was talking about the future and showing a lot of affection till the last day. He blindsided you to ensure a smooth break up. People are selfish by nature and once love wears off,they do all sorts of things that serve their purpose best.

 

Same thing happened to me, although when I called her after the breakup, the *****storm started

[CharlieKitty]

This is really an insightful forum!!

 

I really feel bad for everyone going through this horrible time. Break up's are no fun!! It really has made me question myself and every action I did the past 8 months. I think he was trying to make me feel less of a human being at times. Maybe because he had never gotten over his divorce (8 years ago, like mine) He would always talk in the "past tense" . I used to drive this type of car (now he drives his 12 year old pick up) I used to live in this house and I did all of the landscaping (he showed me the house) I did this, I had that...I went here... everything was from 10 through 30 years ago. Not much was said about the period between the divorce and now. Oh yeah, said he once lived with this woman for a year but SHE was crazy and he had to get out. His rental condo has NO pictures on the walls, no decorations no nick knacks ...that should have been a red flag. His so called "friend" whom is my brothers ex gf is the one that hooked us up...even she said she felt sorry for him because basically, he had no life other than work and bars at night.

 

Don't get me wrong, he was very nice. Almost too nice at times. Thinking back on what I felt were things I might not like... He never complimented me on how I looked. I can remember one time several months ago when he said to me, "hey baby" you look nice in that shirt". I think my mouth dropped and I said WOW, that's a first!! Many many months ago, I mentioned to him that I liked surprise flowers or something simple that says, hey, thanks for being you. He brought me flowers a week later but never again. I, on the other hand, would go out of my way to make sure he was fed very well, had everything here during the 3-4 nights during the week he stayed in my house. I told him that this house was his house while he was here and to never feel the need to ask if he can do things...just do what he would do if he lived here. Now his place...well, that is another whole mystery to me. during the past 8 months I've been there 4 times. Stayed over twice. I'd go into the city where he lived and say hey babe, I'm in town and am gonna stop by after I am finished and you get off work. Nope, he'd have to jump up and meet me somewhere. For awhile I though maybe he was a pig LOL but then I'd say, you know, it's no big deal, I'd like to be able to come over, cook dinner for you and hang at your place tonight. Nope. Never happened. Weird. Red Flags everywhere by now. Oh, yes, another thing I remembered that sent warning signals to my brain. I had told him once that I didn't mind coming to his place on the weekends so he wasn't always coming here...his comment was "No! I enjoy coming down, it's easier for me than for you. Besides, it feels like I get a vacation every weekend"! Hmmm....

 

I don't feel so terrible anymore. Actually, today I feel better than I have felt in a very long time. I no longer feel so stressed to have everything perfect when he get's here. I'm not spending a fortune on food. (yes, he started pitching in when I started mentioning it) he was starting to make me feel resentful for all I did and how he had stopped doing... we still had so much fun together, no matter what we where doing, we made it fun with each other. We had so many "first" adventures together...he would brag to his co-workers of all the great times we had. Hell, he even put his sister on the phone to talk to me because he had bragged to her so much about me that she just had to tell me. I met his entire family and he told them how much he enjoyed us.

 

Yep, I was blind sided big time. However, he might just have did me a huge favor. I hate the feeling of "not knowing" and feeling like we were the best thing that happened to each other...oh well.

 

Then there is this ever nagging annoying little voice in my head that is telling me stupid things . Why do I feel that once he knew my brother was no longer seeing this bartender/female friend whom years ago they'd contemplated dating, that he broke it off with me in a merciless cowardly way to try and once again to date her? Is it that ever so powerful feeling of wanting something you cannot have?

 

Yep, I feel so much better. I really do.