lino Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I don't think it's essential to disclose something like that. I've never asked a girl that question but have had it asked to me several times. However, if I find out I'm just another knob in a long line of them, then I will end things with that girl. Also, it's interesting to see that when this topic comes up, the 'past is the past' people will argue so without any compromise but insist that other details of a person's past are ok to query. I wonder why this is so?
Author Spectre Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 (edited) So I suppose the next question is how soon do you ask? And how? For me it would have to be way before any intimacy were involved and would be one of the most important 'tickboxes' for me to check off. But if I took things really slowly with a girl then I guess she'd tell what type of guy I am anyway, lie and adjust her number downwards and try and seem more chaste? Is it something you could ask on a first/second date? If it gets much further on, if you haven't kissed a woman by then, they'll probably think you are odd or don't really like them.... I would agree that the time to ask is when you basically take that step into exclusively dating someone, since unless you are just attempting to have a casual fling there is no reason to waste time with someone you feel isn't right for you. The problem I see, however, is that some people tend to lie about their number when asked..for whatever reason. Then when the truth comes out later(which it usually does) it hurts the relationship. Sometimes this is just typical "I am jealous you had sex with so many people" type stuff. However sometimes it leaves the person wondering "well if they lied about past sex maybe they are lying about any current sex they are having? Are they lying about any other aspects of our relationship?" and then you get to thinking..is that a fair thought to have? Even if the past is the past, if you are going to answer a question about your past I expect honesty, otherwise you should not give any answer at all. For me, past sex does not bother me, but lying about it does. Edited November 13, 2013 by Spectre
MissBee Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 (edited) actually the next question is why stop there? why is only the number of partners important? what if they had some criminal past? poor grades in high school? were poor (a/k/a white trash)? and how far back? i think those that have 'experience' (30+) know their outlook and actions are different than when younger. Umm I definitely want to know about someone's criminal past! Sorry not interested in dating sex offenders, former rapists, drug smugglers etc. And even if I did see change, I would at least like to know about your past from you and not come up on it, years later, through someone else or the internet. I watch that "Who the Bleep Did I Marry" show from time to time about people who have no idea who they're married to, as usually they took no time to learn about their past (which still affects the present), and they're married to people who had some sinister or crazy or fraudulent things going on that came up back to haunt the present. I often wonder how people can be so naive and blind and did they not think to ask certain questions and check up on certain things etc. I thought it was a small subset of naive people but apparently it is more common than I thought that people think it completely irrelevant to consider the past. No thanks...enjoy that! If jobs do background checks why shouldn't people seek to know about the person they intend to share themselves and potentially a life and make children with??? It is so bizarre to me that some people are making this seem preposterous and offensive to even want to know. Knowledge about someone's past doesn't mean you don't think they can change...it's highly foolish IMO and going in with your eyes wide shut to act like the past is some type of closed off space or limb one chopped off and buried and is completely insignificant. Knowledge is power and I'd rather know and make choices about my relationship with as much knowledge I can. I want and should know my partner as best as anyone does and would hate and also feel pretty foolish if they had been some criminal or other thing in their past that I know nothing about and its later brought up, esp by someone from said past, and I'm there looking surprised. Edited November 13, 2013 by MissBee 1
Author Spectre Posted November 13, 2013 Author Posted November 13, 2013 (edited) If jobs do background checks why shouldn't people seek to know about the person they intend to share themselves and potentially a life and make children with??? It is so bizarre to me that some people are making this seem preposterous and offensive to even want to know. You know before reading this comment I was a bit on the fence about this, I knew that I did want to know about the past but I felt uneasy on if I was right or wrong to feel that way. However, your comment made a light bulb go off in my head. The past *does* matter and we see it all the time in the various aspects of life. When you go to apply for college your past grades have an effect on which schools you can get into. When you go to get a job they will ask you what training you have and will ask you about prior work experience. All these things..are people using your past to judge and assess you, to figure out if you are the right person for the job. If you have a criminal record, employers want to know about it because they might not want someone with a past history of crime. They are not saying people can't change, but they are also at the same time seeking to protect themselves and their business and they have every right to do that. I feel like if that is how we view careers, relationships should be the same. Actually scratch that, I know having a career is important and all that, but at the end of the day none of this matters if you have nobody to share your life with. At the end of the day when all is said and done your career will not be there to hold you..to tell you how much they love you, etc. Which means that probably *more* effort should be put into finding out the background of a potential partner and getting to know them as best as you can. Love is not the only aspect of our lives, but I think it is the most important. I could have a super awesome job that I love and make millions of dollars, but at the end of the day if I come home to an empty house then I'm still going to feel like my life is missing something. Edited November 13, 2013 by Spectre 1
MissBee Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 (edited) You know before reading this comment I was a bit on the fence about this, I knew that I did want to know about the past but I felt uneasy on if I was right or wrong to feel that way. However, your comment made a light bulb go off in my head. The past *does* matter and we see it all the time in the various aspects of life. When you go to apply for college your past grades have an effect on which schools you can get into. When you go to get a job they will ask you what training you have and will ask you about prior work experience. All these things..are people using your past to judge and assess you, to figure out if you are the right person for the job. If you have a criminal record, employers want to know about it because they might not want someone with a past history of crime. They are not saying people can't change, but they are also at the same time seeking to protect themselves and their business and they have every right to do that. I feel like if that is how we view careers, relationships should be the same. Actually scratch that, I know having a career is important and all that, but at the end of the day none of this matters if you have nobody to share your life with. At the end of the day when all is said and done your career will not be there to hold you..to tell you how much they love you, etc. Which means that probably *more* effort should be put into finding out the background of a potential partner and getting to know them as best as you can. Love is not the only aspect of our lives, but I think it is the most important. I could have a super awesome job that I love and make millions of dollars, but at the end of the day if I come home to an empty house then I'm still going to feel like my life is missing something. Ditto. Every other aspect of life seems to realize that the past matters...so I don't see why when it comes on to dating people should all of a sudden think otherwise. Today is a new day for me...but what happened yesterday, last month, 5 years ago led me here and matters and so it does for other people, so it would be foolish of me to act like people are newborns with no prior experience that has shaped and continues to shape them. What you said about careers and jobs is interesting, because I was reading a while back about how smart women who are business savvy will find out everything, all the pros and cons, history of a company, talk to other investors etc. before investing their money in a business but yet these same smart women, some of them, when it comes on to dating, they throw caution to the wind and do not at all apply the same kind of look before you leap, research the scene approach, to their detriment. I was like wow...this is so right! Everything in relationships doesn't translate as it does in careers, but there are some general principles in life that people simply omit when it comes on to "lurve" lol, and you see time and again where they get screwed because of it, as though love automatically means leaving your thinking cap at home. So it has made sense to me then that investing in a life with someone, spending my time with them, etc. should require some kind of knowledge beyond the superficial and beyond how I feel now. Edited November 13, 2013 by MissBee 1
Quiet Storm Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 I don't think it's essential to disclose something like that. I've never asked a girl that question but have had it asked to me several times. However, if I find out I'm just another knob in a long line of them, then I will end things with that girl. Also, it's interesting to see that when this topic comes up, the 'past is the past' people will argue so without any compromise but insist that other details of a person's past are ok to query. I wonder why this is so? It's a touchy topic because many people do not like to be judged. I think people that are confident & have healthy self worth accept they will be judged by others. They know people will judge them & just choose not to have those people in their lives. For example, IMO, a woman with good self worth that has enjoyed having FWB should have no problem disclosing "her past" because she wants to make sure she is choosing someone that accepts her. She won't want to waste her time on a man that has issues with her past. She won't try to hide it because she has nothing to be ashamed of. She's not looking to change his values to match hers...she knows it will be much easier to find a man that accepts her as-is. However, I think it's different when people behave in ways they are not proud of. In order to do things that are against their values, people use justifications & rationalizations as a way to OK the behavior in their own minds. It's a defense mechanism that keeps them from feeling guilt and shame. "I slept around because I had low self esteem" or "I cheated because she didn't give me enough sex" or "I lied because I was afraid of being judged" are all ways that people give themselves permission to do things that are against their values. This is different than simply liking casual sex with no regrets. People do not want to be judged negatively for their past actions. Let's say a woman meets a great guy, but discovers he looks down on people for having casual sex. She has had casual sex in the past, but wants a serious relationship now. She feels that her values have changed and are now in line with his values. Because of this, she feels that her past actions don't matter, and chooses not to disclose, to avoid his judgement. She feels the information is no longer pertinent to the situation because she is no longer interested in casual sex. Sounds OK, right? It's none of his business. What he doesn't know won't hurt. What she fails to realize is that, although the information is no longer important to her, it may still be important to him. We don't get to pick & choose what people care about. We may have changed & matured, but some people still care about the person we were before. And since people have a right to set the criteria for what they want in a partner, it's not fair to omit information that you know would be important to them (even if you deem it unimportant). It creates a manipulated reality, and if the truth is revealed, there will be problems. Life is not fair. It totally sucks to be judged unfairly when you truly have the best intentions. I get it. It happens every day though... to minorities, recovering addicts, former party girls, reformed players, parolees, pitbulls, etc. We can't choose how others view us, and it's best to surround yourself with those that accept you for you. 2
joystickd Posted November 13, 2013 Posted November 13, 2013 It's a touchy topic because many people do not like to be judged. I think people that are confident & have healthy self worth accept they will be judged by others. They know people will judge them & just choose not to have those people in their lives. For example, IMO, a woman with good self worth that has enjoyed having FWB should have no problem disclosing "her past" because she wants to make sure she is choosing someone that accepts her. She won't want to waste her time on a man that has issues with her past. She won't try to hide it because she has nothing to be ashamed of. She's not looking to change his values to match hers...she knows it will be much easier to find a man that accepts her as-is. However, I think it's different when people behave in ways they are not proud of. In order to do things that are against their values, people use justifications & rationalizations as a way to OK the behavior in their own minds. It's a defense mechanism that keeps them from feeling guilt and shame. "I slept around because I had low self esteem" or "I cheated because she didn't give me enough sex" or "I lied because I was afraid of being judged" are all ways that people give themselves permission to do things that are against their values. This is different than simply liking casual sex with no regrets. People do not want to be judged negatively for their past actions. Let's say a woman meets a great guy, but discovers he looks down on people for having casual sex. She has had casual sex in the past, but wants a serious relationship now. She feels that her values have changed and are now in line with his values. Because of this, she feels that her past actions don't matter, and chooses not to disclose, to avoid his judgement. She feels the information is no longer pertinent to the situation because she is no longer interested in casual sex. Sounds OK, right? It's none of his business. What he doesn't know won't hurt. What she fails to realize is that, although the information is no longer important to her, it may still be important to him. We don't get to pick & choose what people care about. We may have changed & matured, but some people still care about the person we were before. And since people have a right to set the criteria for what they want in a partner, it's not fair to omit information that you know would be important to them (even if you deem it unimportant). It creates a manipulated reality, and if the truth is revealed, there will be problems. Life is not fair. It totally sucks to be judged unfairly when you truly have the best intentions. I get it. It happens every day though... to minorities, recovering addicts, former party girls, reformed players, parolees, pitbulls, etc. We can't choose how others view us, and it's best to surround yourself with those that accept you for you. I totally agree with this. Is it really worth it to hide your past only to risk the person finding out? It's best to find someone that accepts you flaws and all. If you have to hide then you didn't never really respect that person. That is the biggest problem with dating these days is the lack of honesty whether it's with others or with yourself
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