denise_xo Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 It's not information I ask for personally, but I think this whole 'this shouldn't be talked about because people can't deal with the truth' is a bunch of bull. No one 'deserves' to know, but it's perfectly reasonable to ask. I think the most stupid thing to do is to lie and minimise your 'number'. The reality today is that the vast majority of people you meet (at least if you're over 25 or so) have a sexual past. Pretending it's not there makes no sense to me. You're supposed to share a house, finances, children and your life with your spouse, but talking about past sexual encounters is off limits? If people can't bear the thought of their partner having been with someone else, they need to seek out a virgin. Personally, I'm much more interested in how men talk about their previous relationship dynamics as a whole, rather than the sex in particular.
veggirl Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 I think that DETAILS (and yes exact # is a detail) are unnecessary, for sure! I think a generalized "overview" is MUCH more appropriate. I mean if someone says "i only have sex in committed relationships" you can gather their number is fairly low (unless they are "committed" to every guy/girl they date for 2 wks). I know my bf has "a past" and had casual sex and he knows the same about me, but exact numbers? No, what for??? I think "the past" is also dependent on how long ago it was. I mean if he was f*cking random girls up until a month ago, then NO THANKS, but we are 28 and 30, our pasts are from back in college. I have no problem with that.
darkmoon Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) I once saw an article that suggested a memory lapse would be most tactful, which is all too true, exes' bedroom antics are best seen as too dull to vividly recall "no wo/man has been like you, they were boring, hard to even remember, that's why I'm here xx" ...is better than a list of faceless exes of whom you might want to ask "did they make you come like I do?" or "what were they like?" and ultimately ask "why did you stay with them if they were no good, you're lying" Edited November 7, 2013 by darkmoon
EasyHeart Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Neither of you "deserve" anything. If you want to know, it's perfectly fine to ask. If your partner doesn't want to tell you, that's fine too. If this is a problem for either of you, then it's pretty much certain that you're going to have lots and lots of worse problems down the road, so get out now. Also, it either of you is still counting how many people you've slept with, it means (a) you're still teenagers or (b) the answer to the question is "not enough!!!"
Miranda123 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Think your partner and you should be able to share the numbers with one another and you should both be so secure in your relationship that this doesn't faze either one of you. Never hold someone's past against them. We have all done stuipd things or slept with someone we probably shouldn't have or even regert doing so. **** happens. I want to be able to talk freely about my own past and my partner's past with out any issues. Also, I think in general, women are more insecure about the "number" of people we have slept with. Women in the eye's of most are supposed to remain pure until marriage. How many women do you know that wear white on their wedding day? 95 percent. And how many of us ACTUALLY deserve to wear white?! Maybe 5 percent. I'm sure some men are insecure about their "Number" as well. Again, in general, guys are proud of their numbers, and arent normally judged negatively if they have had sex with a fair amount of people. I've dated guys and knew their numbers and if never effected me. I dated a guy that new my number and was SO inscure about it that it ended our relationship. I also dated a guy where we both never even asked each other this silly question. I also dated a guy that went as far to tell me about his experiance having a 3-some, it didnt effect me. I was so happy that he actually felt comfortable enough with me to tell me this info!
hotpotato Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Ignorance is bliss, unless they have herpes...
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Not everyone can handle hearing that sort of information. Do those people not deserve consideration? Whether or not they need therapy, they don't need this as another distraction. When some people ask you the number of partners, they are fishing for info because they are fragile. They may not even know how it will affect them. Once they hear it, their heads spin and they feel like sh*t. Even if you think you can handle it, are you sure you can? And if you can't handle it, do you think you deserve to dumped? Are you sure this number even matters? Some people feel it's private information. Information that if they tell certain people in their circle (friends, lovers, SO) they might be judged. A woman can adopt a personal policy to not ever divulge that info. Maybe this person once trusted someone enough to tell them the number, but that person in return freaked out and caused traumatic emotional distress. You can say this person should now do therapy, but all she really needs to do is not put herself in that position again. If the both of you can handle it and want to share that info, fine. You don't deserve it, though. It's kind of rude to think you are owed that information. If it makes someone uncomfortable to talk about it, would you not be able to respect them enough to let it go? Why should they be uncomfortable to settle your curiosity. You should focus on enjoying your time together. If it's love and you are compatible, do past mistakes have any weight? Mistakes that will never affect your life as long as nothing bad came of it?
KathyM Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 No it isn't, it's easy and lazy reasoning. Guess there are no reformed criminals where you come from then. Once you make one mistake you carry that frikken cross for the rest of your life? I'm not saying that people can't change, or their views can't change, or behaviors can't change. I'm just saying that everything should be taken into account, both past and present, and that the past does affect the person currently in some way, and can be an indicator of future behavior. I believe knowing a person's past is important in order to determine if you share the same values, attitudes, perspective, and certainly sexual history is important information to know before you are intimate with someone. I would want to know. I think some discussion on the subject is often done, especially if the person is considering a serious relationship with the person. If some people prefer a don't ask, don't tell, policy, they are certainly entitled not to disclose. I'm just saying that, to me, it would be important to know the man's general relationship and sexual history/attitudes. I do believe a lot of people feel the same way. To each, their own. People have a right to ask. People have a right not to disclose. Hopefully, a person would be honest about it if they do chose to disclose. 6
TheGuard13 Posted November 8, 2013 Posted November 8, 2013 I read this as "Do you deserve to know your parents sexual pasts?" Shudder.
missmac Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Absolutely not...... are you going to retroactively get mad at them for banging people before they even met you? thats ridiculous 1
Woggle Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 If you get to the point where you make a huge commitment such as marriage I do believe people have the right to know who they are marrying. 2
carhill Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Absolutely not...... are you going to retroactively get mad at them for banging people before they even met you? If they considered their sexual relationships to be 'banging people', yeah, that's a perspective I'd be interested in finding out more about, due to elements of compatibility. 4
f1asr88 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 (edited) Absolutely not...... are you going to retroactively get mad at them for banging people before they even met you? thats ridiculous What if you're not the type to just "bang" people, and want the same from a prospective partner? Edited November 11, 2013 by f1asr88 1
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I believe you should ask at your caution... A lot of people suffer with retroactive jealousy. I am quite a curious person so I generally ask. I think it is bad though if one or both partners looks up there new flames exes etc on facebook or other social networking sites. Just knowing about them is harmless enough IMO unless you are sensitive to the knowledge.
PJM9 Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I think I deserve to know how she views intimacy and sex in general and if what happened in the past were relationships or quick ONS. My reason for this is not because of the double standard of ''a woman should have lesser partners'' but because I've never had a ONS in my life and only been in 3 relationships (I'm 24). I'm a low-count man and really would like a woman that shares my same views on this. I've tried to work it out with a woman that had a wild past in my last relationship and I ended up getting cheated on. 1
MissBee Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 You shouldn't buy a used car without CarFax...so why enter a relationship without knowledge of who this person is/was and how your views mesh up, which will include their sexual behaviors? I've never asked for details of how many people someone slept with, details of names, numbers, positions etc. But if I'm gonna be with you I will not be foolish and act like you're a brand new virgin if you're not. Conversations come up and I wanna know about: have you cheated, do you tend to have unprotected sex, how kinky are you, have you slept with the same sex, different things that may have happened in the past which will help me to formulate a picture now. Knowing the past doesn't automatically mean dismissal. It so far has never been that way for me, although one time it should have been . It means seeing your growth, if there is any, understanding more about you as well as how that fits with me. In any case, I don't care if other people don't want to know. To each his/her own. For me it's important and if someone feels they need to hide it so I date them or they are the type to believe "the past is the past", then we're not compatible and that's okay too. 2
Quiet Storm Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 And what good can come out of knowing? For compatibility. It helps you to see if the person shares your values regarding sex in relationships. Our values are important in determining compatibility. For example, most people think that having an affair while married is wrong. Their values are that marriage is something that should be respected, and protected. Say a man meets a recently divorced woman, who admits that she cheated on her husband. She may say something like "I know cheating was wrong, but I was in a bad marriage. He worked too much, and I felt neglected. I cheated, but I'll never do it again". This one statement says so much about her. Even though she is announcing her values by saying "cheating is wrong", she was capable of behaving in ways that go against her values. If she considered it "wrong", did she feel guilt? If she did feel guilt, but continued anyway, it shows that she is capable of detaching and "stuffing" her feelings in order to continue doing something she admits is wrong. Her statement also is an indicator of how she deals with problems. Instead of addressing the issues in her marriage or divorcing, she chose to cheat. Why? It also shows that she blames someone else for her own choices. She lists her exes faults, as a way to minimize her own choices. Our values should remain intact, regardless of the actions of others. I will never cheat on my husband, regardless of what he does to me, because I am not a cheater. My integrity is part of who I am, and that doesn't change if someone cheats on me, lies to me, steals from me, etc. Regarding "numbers", lets say that a guy feels that sex should happen within a committed relationship. He really likes a girl that admits that she has had 8 FWB's and 3 ONS, along with 3 long term relationships. He is concerned because he views sex as a physical way to connect to someone that you love. He wants his partner to share that same value. He may feel that the "specialness" of their connection is tarnished because her values are different. It doesn't make her choices "bad" or wrong, just different. She may say "All the other guys didn't matter. I am in love with you, and my having sex with them doesn't make our sex less special to me. Our sex is special to me because I love you". From her perspective, prior sex is redundant because she has now moved on from that. She no longer wants casual sex, she only wants her boyfriend. She doesn't think her prior sex should matter. However, it does matter to her boyfriend, even if it is in the past. It matters to him that she did not need an emotional connection to have sex. He wants someone that shares his values, and from his perspective, she doesn't. Lets say that she says "I was young an immature. I was looking for love in the wrong places. I was insecure & didn't understand men. I mistook their interest in my body as a genuine interest in me. I was naive and ended up feeling used, so eventually I stopped". With this information, the boyfriend has more to think about. Is the sexual behavior really an incompatibility? Can he accept her past if it's clear her views on casual sex have evolved? Will he look down on her or lose respect because she was naive & used by other men? Is she driven by a need for attention & validation? Could there be unresolved FOO issues that prompted her behavior, and if so have those issues been addressed? The whole point of dating for most people is to find a suitable, compatible partner. Information about the past can provide you with a lot of insight into the kind of person they are. It's not about changing someone to fit you, or you changing to fit them. Unfair or not, dating involves judgement. Why would you want to be with someone that judges you? If you are honest about your past, you can weed out the people that would judge you. Avoiding that by lying or omitting is just prolonging the inevitable. 1
MissBee Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 The whole point of dating for most people is to find a suitable, compatible partner. Information about the past can provide you with a lot of insight into the kind of person they are. It's not about changing someone to fit you, or you changing to fit them. Unfair or not, dating involves judgement. Why would you want to be with someone that judges you? If you are honest about your past, you can weed out the people that would judge you. Avoiding that by lying or omitting is just prolonging the inevitable. Ditto. For some, dating is a game to get a partner at any cost, even if it includes lying, pretending to be compatible or being ignorant...which usually ends up being a problem later on anyway, as one inevitably comes to realize they aren't compatible or they don't know each other well. I have also been guilty of not taking into account some obvious red flags from someone's history, which ended up repeating themselves in our relationship. But yea, I don't want to be with anyone whom I have to hide my past from so they won't judge me. I need to be honest with you about who I am and what I've done and you either take it or leave it. It is pointless IMO to be with someone whom if they knew about certain past things they wouldn't want to be with you. 1
aussietigerwolf Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 I told my boyfriend my number when he asked but we were/are in a serious relationship and he told me his.
Elliotte Posted November 11, 2013 Posted November 11, 2013 Personally I like to know a lot about the past of the woman I am with, although I never try to force it out of her if she doesn't want to share. I am open minded and have 'been around the block' enough to be non-judgmental about what she has done in the past and would only be with someone if I was confident that those connections are in the past and not the present. I like to share about my past as well, because my past is part of who I am and I am a very open person. But I try not to shove it in anyone's face either. 1
Author Spectre Posted November 12, 2013 Author Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) I was reading over this and I wanted to say a couple of things then. People who are saying "the is the past" I think are wrong. Since yes, a persons past can tell you about the type of person they are. Obviously it must be also be acknowledged that people indeed can change. However, just because people have the ability to change does not negate the fact that yes, sometimes you can use a persons past actions to correctly predict how they might act in the future. I am not talking about shaming someone for having a lot of sexual partners and I agree this is personal and private information, but I just can't help feeling that the girl I'm meant to be with forever should be able to share anything with me. I am not talking about being given a play by play on everything that happened, but at least the number of partners. Edited November 12, 2013 by Spectre
f1asr88 Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 So I suppose the next question is how soon do you ask? And how? For me it would have to be way before any intimacy were involved and would be one of the most important 'tickboxes' for me to check off. But if I took things really slowly with a girl then I guess she'd tell what type of guy I am anyway, lie and adjust her number downwards and try and seem more chaste? Is it something you could ask on a first/second date? If it gets much further on, if you haven't kissed a woman by then, they'll probably think you are odd or don't really like them....
beatcuff Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 So I suppose the next question is how soon do you ask? And how? ... actually the next question is why stop there? why is only the number of partners important? what if they had some criminal past? poor grades in high school? were poor (a/k/a white trash)? and how far back? i think those that have 'experience' (30+) know their outlook and actions are different than when younger.
dichotomy Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 (edited) actually the next question is why stop there? why is only the number of partners important? what if they had some criminal past? poor grades in high school? were poor (a/k/a white trash)? and how far back? i think those that have 'experience' (30+) know their outlook and actions are different than when younger. While not asking during casual dating - I would if I was falling in love, or looking to some sort of commitment for a long term - would want to know them on a deep level. I want to connect. First would be - what do you believe about sex, money, violence, politics, God, and more right now - then a deeper of "well how did get to this place" what shaped you?. Every time I read these posts about history of sex - I recall the movie "a history of violence" where a wife and kids finds out that mild mannered husband dad of 20 years - used to be a ruthless killer in the mob who broke away and hid. I won't ruin the ending of what happens.... Edited November 12, 2013 by dichotomy 1
GravityMan Posted November 12, 2013 Posted November 12, 2013 I think that our pasts do influence and shape who we are today, even if you're quite a different person now than you were 10 years ago. Things happened that caused you to gradually reshape you from 10 years ago until today. Dating all the way back to childhood, the life experiences we have, the company we keep, the decisions we make...all of those played influential factors in who you are now. Some of those factors may be microscopically subtle. Also, even if you're a noticeably different person today, all it takes is the correct external catalyst combined with being mentally weak and boom...you've reverted to some old bad aspects of yourself that were previously buried. That is why I think one's upbringing is important. However, I also think that at a low level, each of us has a "core character" that's mostly set in stone between the ages of 5 and 10, and doesn't change much for the remainder of his or her life. If someone was an arrogant jerk at age 10, then it's almost certain that he'll still be an arrogant jerk at age 28. Even if he's tried to change. At the end, it's just who he is; it's ingrained in his subconscious. It's almost involuntary. To answer the OP, I think HOW this subject of sexual past is brought up matters a lot. There's obvious value in knowing that stuff (minus unnecessary specifics) for compatibility purposes, but tread carefully with your approach.
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