Spectre Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 This is something I've always wondered about and if you deserve how many people your boyfriend/girlfriend has slept with in the past. On one side I see people who say the answer is no "no this is personal and private information and is none of your business". I understand this point of view, but at the same time I wonder how it applies to serious relationships. By this I mean, if you find someone you are completely in love with, who you have never felt anything like before with..I guess a "soul mate" if that is what you want to call it. It just seems to me like out of all the people in the world, the one person you would share personal and private information with would be such a person. I don't just mean about that specific thing, just in general. I guess it just puzzles me because as a guy I really would not hesitate to give my number to someone I wanted to be with in such a serious way. I know that some people hear the number and do get upset/jealous, and obviously there are some people out there who just feel after a person has had so many sexual partners in the past maybe they aren't right for them. I am not saying that is the right kind of attitude to have so I can see why someone might not feel it is right to tell their partner in fear that they might leave them. I mostly haven't had a problem with this with girls in the past, but I more so feel like I wouldn't care about the number, but I would care that there was an aspect of her life she doesn't want to share. Or if she did tell me, but I found out later she lied I might then wonder what else she lied about. There was one girl who did lie and then I did wonder if she was lying about other things..but at the same time I felt really bad about having these thoughts.
Arty54 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 The right answer is that's it's their past and none of your business, they have chosen to be with you and you either accept that or you make the mistake of digging into their past and then realise you don't want to hear it and it then unsettles you to the point where you lose trust and her respect and then in time it's game over! 1
Philosoraptor Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 There is nothing positive to be gained by knowing the details of your partners past. You either accept them for who they are now, or you don't. You care about them for who they are now, not who they have done in the past. Honestly, all you need to know is if your partner is clean. The numbers, what they've done with them, who they've done it with... are just aspects of the past that have no real bearance on who they are in your relationship. 1
whirl3daway Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Man... it doesn't matter how close I feel to my SO. The thought of them banging someone else makes me want to punch a wall. There is no reason for me to get any more information other than your number*, if you're clean, and if you've impregnated anyone. *Number simply because I want to know if I might have to show you the ropes.
KathyM Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I think there's a good reason to ask about past sexual behavior/number of prior partners. It gives a person important information about who they are investing their time/emotions/body with. It shows attitudes about sex/women/relationships. I think that's important information to know. It also could indicate risk of infection. If a guy I had been dating had a very casual attitude about sex, and had many partners prior to dating him, I'd certainly want to know, because there would be a much greater risk of contracting an STD from him. I think there's a lot of valid reasons to know a dating partner's prior sexual history. 4
mutualove Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 That depends.I think if you really want something serious then you might want to know about their past.I believe the past is a way to the future,meaning if you want to know how they're going to be in the future,you may want to know how they were in the past.Of course it's not always accurate I know that and I also know people can change.But I mean in general,and that's what I believe,and that old habits die hard.
Philosoraptor Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I think there's a good reason to ask about past sexual behavior/number of prior partners. It gives a person important information about who they are investing their time/emotions/body with. It shows attitudes about sex/women/relationships. I think that's important information to know. It also could indicate risk of infection. If a guy I had been dating had a very casual attitude about sex, and had many partners prior to dating him, I'd certainly want to know, because there would be a much greater risk of contracting an STD from him. I think there's a lot of valid reasons to know a dating partner's prior sexual history. History does not mean that is who they are today, people grow and mature. Just because one was a little more exploratory in the past doesn't mean that at this point in their lives that they're not all in for a mature relationship. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) You don't deserve anything. However, a good relationship is founded upon trust & sometimes trust requires mutual disclosures. I think the actual #s make people crazy so they should never be disclosed. I think both parties need to know whether the other one has ever done this before. I think they both need information about whether somebody has been with high risk partners in the past (IV drug users, HIV/AIDS infected people, people who have had other potentially fatal STDs etc.) To that end, it's also perfectly reasonable to require clean bills of health before becoming intimate. When pushed, my response always was "I have been with enough men to know what I'm doing but not so many that I question my own morals." If that answer didn't satisfy my potential partner, then we were fundamentally incompatable on many levels & I was always glad to have found that out before sex. Edited November 5, 2013 by d0nnivain
KathyM Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 History does not mean that is who they are today, people grow and mature. Just because one was a little more exploratory in the past doesn't mean that at this point in their lives that they're not all in for a mature relationship. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, and it also tells a lot about a person's beliefs/attitudes/character. I'm not saying that people can't change or don't change, but I think past behavior does tell a lot about a person, and is important information to know for someone who is planning to invest their time/emotions/life with the person. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Past behavior is some indication of future behavior but not the only one. I certainly wouldn't judge a 30 year old for being a little wilder in college. People do grow up. 1
Arabella Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I agree with KathyM on this one. I firmly believe our past is big chunk of how we became who we are today, so I want to know what I'm getting into when I date someone. It's definitely a guy's right to refuse to disclose his past if so he chooses. I would never pressure him into doing so. However, I won't date him, and that's my right also. -A 2
Philosoraptor Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, and it also tells a lot about a person's beliefs/attitudes/character. I'm not saying that people can't change or don't change, but I think past behavior does tell a lot about a person, and is important information to know for someone who is planning to invest their time/emotions/life with the person. Maybe recent behavior would, I wouldn't expect someone to suddenly change because they met me. I'm not going to judge someone harshly for something they did years ago. So many things can account for promiscuity... college, being young, trying to fill a void after having your heart broke... but none of these change who a person is today. People do give up their promiscuious ways and are great and loyal partners. So what they slept around a bit when they were young... does that change the fact that they were a little promiscious in the past change the fact that they are a great partner now? Judging someone on their past and things they had done before you even knew them... never know that you're turning down the perfect partner because of something they did when they were a kid. Focusing on the action, not what they may have learned and how they have grown from their past. Edited November 5, 2013 by Philosoraptor 2
KathyM Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Maybe recent behavior would, I wouldn't expect someone to suddenly change because they met me. I'm not going to judge someone harshly for something they did years ago. So many things can account for promiscuity... college, being young, trying to fill a void after having your heart broke... but none of these change who a person is today. People do give up their promiscuious ways and are great and loyal partners. So what they slept around a bit when they were young... does that change the fact that they were a little promiscious in the past change the fact that they are a great partner now? Judging someone on their past and things they had done before you even knew them... never know that you're turning down the perfect partner because of something they did when they were a kid. Focusing on the action, not what they may have learned and how they have grown from their past. People should take everything into account when deciding if a partner is relationship material. Both past and present, how the person has changed, if they've changed, how solid the change seems to be, how their perspective on life and sex is now, what it was in the past. All of this information is important, and makes a person who they are today. I would not want to have a relationship with someone with no idea what they were like or what they did or what their attitudes were in the past. The past is important in knowing the person. It shows their choices in life. What they felt was important to them at the time. It's important information to know from someone you are investing your time/emotions/life with. I can't imagine investing my time/emotions into a relationship where I didn't know what the person was like in the past. 5
pteromom Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, and it also tells a lot about a person's beliefs/attitudes/character. I'm not saying that people can't change or don't change, but I think past behavior does tell a lot about a person, and is important information to know for someone who is planning to invest their time/emotions/life with the person. Plus, if someone was going to judge me or lose respect for me based on my sexual history, I'd rather know that upfront so I could end the relationship before they did. Seriously though, I think it is good to have general discussions about sexual attitudes, but not necessary to get into the weeds of talking about numbers and specifics.
KathyM Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Plus, if someone was going to judge me or lose respect for me based on my sexual history, I'd rather know that upfront so I could end the relationship before they did. So self disclosure is a win/win then. Both parties can make decisions based on the truth. If one's past is a dealbreaker for their partner, better for both partners to find that out before investing a lot of time and emotions into the relationship. 6
Silly_Girl Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 You deserve to see a clear STD result, the rest is up to them. I wouldn't get with someone who wasn't offering and desiring openness on this front, but I don't think it can be demanded. 2
ponchsox Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Yes, I'm not contracting an STD because I was not made aware.
Midnight_Princess Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 I dont understand what the big deal about knowing is. Their past sex life is nothing to do with their relationship with you. I just dont understand why you would want to hear about your partner banging other people. Id just ask for them to have a std test if i were worried. I think it just causes jealousy and unfair judgement. Someone with 1 or very little sex partners can get an std too. Just cause someones opened themselfs up sexually doesnt make them irresponsible and diseased.
crederer Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I prefer not to know details. I've had details leaked down in past relationships and I can tell you with certain things, ignorance is bliss. Like, i don't need to know how your previous ex was hung like a horse and amazing in bed. That's just something I don't need to know. I've also been told of numbers from a girl I started seeing at 21. She had like 35 partners that she admitted to. That is also something I didn't need to know or ask for. I never really held it against them but like I say, don't need to know and it bothered me from time to time. I've also been in the situation I was asked certain questions (i.e, number, who was "the best" who I know that I'd be willing to have a threesome with if I had a chance, etc). I tried avoiding answering these things for a while but was pushed pretty hard and ended up answering them (she played it off like it turned her on to hear it and always acted very disappointed when I refused as if I was depriving her of some sort of sexual gratification). Big mistake, she went psycho about it. She would throw it in my face anytime it would suit her, and there were a couple of people I was no longer allowed to hang out with because I answered a hypothetical question. 2
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Do you deserve to know your parnters sexual past? No, of course not. Although there are (people) on this board who think that for some reason you deserve to know whether the person you are dating confessed an impure thought in church at the age of twelve. Don't listen to such (people). 1
KathyM Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 No, of course not. Although there are (people) on this board who think that for some reason you deserve to know whether the person you are dating confessed an impure thought in church at the age of twelve. Don't listen to such (people). Don't be ridiculous. I'm not suggesting minute details of every encounter. I'm suggesting basic information about a person's sexual past/attitudes/relationships. If you would rather believe that ignorance is bliss, and don't care who you date or how they've lived their life, then you're entitled to your ignorance. If you want a don't ask don't tell policy, you're entitled to it if your dating partner believes the same. I prefer to know who I'm dating and entering into a relationship with. 2
dichotomy Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I want to know what they believe about sex -love - cheating - and other things when I am deciding wether to become serious with them. Numbers can be misleading, and what they did or believed in past is not as important as going forward with me. No one should fear lying to someone they are looking to commit too for a long term. True love is knowing where they came from, where they are at now - and were there going and accepting. 1
MissBee Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 (edited) The right answer is that's it's their past and none of your business, they have chosen to be with you and you either accept that or you make the mistake of digging into their past and then realise you don't want to hear it and it then unsettles you to the point where you lose trust and her respect and then in time it's game over! That's the thing though...I believe if you know about someone's past and it makes you not respect them then you really shouldn't be with them. Period. I don't believe in simply hiding information or ignoring it so you can be in a relationship where ignorance is bliss essentially. I don't need to know the number of people a partner has slept with; however, if ANY information, about that or anything else, would make me not want to be with them, I should know it. For me, being in an authentic relationship is one where I don't need to fear being honest so the person won't leave or so I won't want to leave them. We all have a past and it's ridiculous IMO to act like it doesn't matter....it does...and being with the right person is where you can bring your mistakes, your past, etc. to the table and have them accept you and not where you act like the past doesn't matter so as to not rock the boat now. In fact, what is the time line on "the past"? As anything not currently happening is the past, yesterday, last week, 2 minutes ago...so where do you draw the line to determine which part of someone's previous behavior/lifestyle doesn't matter. I am not the same as I was 5 years ago but everything I did, thought, believed, had some effect and led me to where I am now, so I don't really think it's a case of I can just act like when I meet a new partner my life is brand new and I had no life, history, past before the relationship. Edited November 7, 2013 by MissBee 3
Kate9292 Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 You should know if they're clean, but what they did before you is none of your business. And what good can come out of knowing?
Emilia Posted November 7, 2013 Posted November 7, 2013 Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, and it also tells a lot about a person's beliefs/attitudes/character. I'm not saying that people can't change or don't change, but I think past behavior does tell a lot about a person, and is important information to know for someone who is planning to invest their time/emotions/life with the person. No it isn't, it's easy and lazy reasoning. Guess there are no reformed criminals where you come from then. Once you make one mistake you carry that frikken cross for the rest of your life?
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