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Major Steps Forward

peaksandvalleys

By peaksandvalleys
in Infidelity

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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I also wanted to ask about the nightmares. I am taking something to help me sleep but now I have terrible dreams about him and the OW. They do some really horrible things and then I retaliate with even worse things. I wake up unable to shake the feeling of anger and fear. Have any of you ever felt that way? I know the dreams are probably a normal reaction in a situation like this but the feelings sticking to be well into the day is that normal?

The nightmares are normal....but I have experienced that dreams/nightmares become more vivid while I take sleeping aids or the patch to quit smoking.

 

They suck!!!! So sorry you have to go through them.

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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Yep, it's normal (both to have them and for them to linger). Normal and crappy. The only success I have had with nightmares is to force myself to think of something else right as I'm falling asleep.

 

PV, at this point I couldn't care less about your WH or his OW. It's time to focus on coming down from that angry high and healing yourself. All of this tension is making me nervous for you and you've already had one anxiety attack. Is there anything that can serve as a good distraction? Maybe a GNO where everyone agrees NOT to discuss your WH?

 

 

I actually think the counseling thing is one of the reasons for the nightmares. My doctor has been on me for years about holding things in. I try to let things go but I tend to run every detail over and over again in my mind. My back up plans have back up plans. It is a problem and has been for a long time. The anger and anxiety alternate and today is anger. Does that make sense?

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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I actually think the counseling thing is one of the reasons for the nightmares. My doctor has been on me for years about holding things in. I try to let things go but I tend to run every detail over and over again in my mind. My back up plans have back up plans. It is a problem and has been for a long time. The anger and anxiety alternate and today is anger. Does that make sense?

 

Slowly I raise my hand!! I get it. I am a type A personality which serves me well in business, not so well in my day to day life. Major lack of sleep when money gets tight or I have issues to deal with. LET IT OUT!!! Make use of the MC and IC. And for heaven's sake....ask for help if you need it. (Another weakness of mine)

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RightThere Established Member

RightThere

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I actually think the counseling thing is one of the reasons for the nightmares. My doctor has been on me for years about holding things in. I try to let things go but I tend to run every detail over and over again in my mind. My back up plans have back up plans. It is a problem and has been for a long time. The anger and anxiety alternate and today is anger. Does that make sense?

 

I 100% understand that.

 

And especially with a personality like ours when we get the shock to the system that we're being cheat on, we didn't envision and have a backup plan for that. So we go into overdrive now.

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BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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I actually think the counseling thing is one of the reasons for the nightmares. My doctor has been on me for years about holding things in. I try to let things go but I tend to run every detail over and over again in my mind. My back up plans have back up plans. It is a problem and has been for a long time. The anger and anxiety alternate and today is anger. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, it does. The mind-racing was awful for me and I'm still here 2 1/2 years after Dday. If you were already predisposed to being this way, I'm sure that just enhances it.

 

It's such a hard thing to get over because supressing your feelings doesn't work (you're supposed to process them) but at the same time, you'd like to let go.

 

From my experience with therapists (which wasn't that great, TBH) they would probably point out that anger is almost always a secondary emotion. It's what comes out instead of hurt. But it's the hurt that really needs to be processed.

 

That and $4 will get you a cup of coffee.

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Spotme Established Member

Spotme

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The sleep aid is most likely amplifying the nightmares, as vivid dreams are a known side effect of some. Some sleep aids can also have a depressive effect, which might mean the lingering negative feelings when awake are related to the sleep aid as well. So it's worth discussing with your doctor if you should switch to something else or go off it, since it's having a pronounced impact on your mood which can impact your overall frame of mind.

 

Also, I haven't been on this thread at all but wanted to say I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this. It's a club no one wants to join. Don't forget to take care of your emotional health above all else, from your posts that sounds like it might be the hardest thing for you to allow yourself to do. It's ok to grieve your loss, even if what you are grieving is that you never had the chance to make your marriage a good one because your partner wasn't participating. And despite some of the crazy on the other thread, your anger is a normal part of that process.

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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Slowly I raise my hand!! I get it. I am a type A personality which serves me well in business, not so well in my day to day life. Major lack of sleep when money gets tight or I have issues to deal with. LET IT OUT!!! Make use of the MC and IC. And for heaven's sake....ask for help if you need it. (Another weakness of mine)

 

 

I 100% understand that. And especially with a personality like ours when we get the shock to the system that we're being cheat on, we didn't envision and have a backup plan for that. So we go into overdrive now.

 

 

 

YES! that is it.

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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Yes, it does. The mind-racing was awful for me and I'm still here 2 1/2 years after Dday. If you were already predisposed to being this way, I'm sure that just enhances it.

 

It's such a hard thing to get over because supressing your feelings doesn't work (you're supposed to process them) but at the same time, you'd like to let go.

 

From my experience with therapists (which wasn't that great, TBH) they would probably point out that anger is almost always a secondary emotion. It's what comes out instead of hurt. But it's the hurt that really needs to be processed.

 

That and $4 will get you a cup of coffee.

 

I agree and I could use the coffee right now. A bit sleepy.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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I actually think the counseling thing is one of the reasons for the nightmares. My doctor has been on me for years about holding things in. I try to let things go but I tend to run every detail over and over again in my mind. My back up plans have back up plans. It is a problem and has been for a long time. The anger and anxiety alternate and today is anger. Does that make sense?

 

 

Yep - me exactly. My professional calling involves studying and preventing things from failing. This carries over to my personal life. Worst possible outcomes - probable next worst outcomes - and responses and contingences for all of them.

 

Others: "Wow - I can't believe this just happened - what are we going to do?!!"

 

Me - "wait I got a plan for this":rolleyes:

Edited by dichotomy
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AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

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Most people can not stay in a place of hurt too long..because it hurts too much. So anger kicks in, almost like self protection...a place of strength, kinda like self advocating..only much more aggressive than we would use other times.

 

You have much to process...and it is going to take a long time for your brain to sift through all those years..trying to fit the puzzle together. It is also common, that in our dream state we change how the events unfolded...that we were not unaware for as long as we were..that we intervened at an earlier time...we did actions that we did not initially...etc. In time...you will let that go..and accept that it happened the way it did.

 

I too worry about WS/OW keeping you stuck somewhere that is not healthy for you. If you truly are done, done, done. Prolonging the ending with MC comes at a cost to you. Having to sit and listen to someone who is still in denial of how painful their actions were towards others...and is looking to those very same people to alleviate his pain. I do not know how you sit through it....I would not be able to. I would refuse to feed the insatiable ego monster. Unless,/until they were able to be supportive of my position of being the wronged party....there would be nothing to discuss. Their pain at their actions at my expense is nothing for me to work through. That is theirs to address....in IC.

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serial muse Established Member

serial muse

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These peaksandvalleys posts are chalk full of self righteous justification. One has to wonder... which came first? Did the affair create this arrogant person or is her haughty attitude the root cause the affair? If it helps you then yes, you are holier than your WH and his mistress.

 

One should probably read all of her posts, going back to the beginning of her time on LS before she knew of the affair, if one plans to wonder about this aloud.

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ChooseTruth Established Member

ChooseTruth

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I actually think the counseling thing is one of the reasons for the nightmares. My doctor has been on me for years about holding things in. I try to let things go but I tend to run every detail over and over again in my mind. My back up plans have back up plans. It is a problem and has been for a long time. The anger and anxiety alternate and today is anger. Does that make sense?

Exactly. My nightmares tend to disappear the instant I start talking about them to people. I started my own "nightmare" thread a while back and they disappeared almost instantly.

 

Another bit of practical advice is to keep hydrated, sure it'll make you pee if you over do it, but I tend to have crazy dreams if I go to bed dehydrated. Either that or I just can't sleep at all.

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krazikat Established Member

krazikat

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Its not a bad thing if you do. I think it jolts them a little to see the pain they have caused. But if you are anything like me....you hate crying in front of people because I irrationally think it is a sign of weakness. I walked around all day and night for 3 days after dday just so he wouldn't see how much I was crying.

 

Girl, I hid in the bathtub to cry. Or curled up in the fetal position with the pillow over my head.

 

I hated how much I cried. But if I hadnt, I think my head would have exploded with all the pent up emotions...

 

Peaks, you are an amazing woman. Tears or no, you will be just fine.

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Yesterday Member

Yesterday

Posted
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I also wanted to ask about the nightmares. I am taking something to help me sleep but now I have terrible dreams about him and the OW. They do some really horrible things and then I retaliate with even worse things. I wake up unable to shake the feeling of anger and fear. Have any of you ever felt that way? I know the dreams are probably a normal reaction in a situation like this but the feelings sticking to be well into the day is that normal?

 

When we take something to help us sleep, it is not a natural sleep. Thoughts of the OW and WH are normal, but the continued effects into the next day may also be your medication.

 

I find that when I can't sleep, I watch a short tv show that gets my mind slowing down. All my tv is streamed so I get to chose the show and episode. I often find that I am too tired to make it through a show, and head into bed about 20 minutes later.

 

I suggest you schedule some outings or events/shows with your kids, go somewhere and do something different.

 

Do some gym time, Zumba, Yoga or sports with some workouts to feel better and vent your frustrations. You need to get yourself away from this stress, and get yourself enjoying some new memories.

 

take care,

doubled Member

doubled

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P&V I think the MC is doing you harm while it's trying to make him feel better. You went, you did it, but I don't think it's healthy for you to go. You don't need the stress and aggravation of listening to him. You know you are divorcing him and have excellent reason to. I know you are going by the advice of your lawyer to protect yourself but I would hate to hear about you having another attack. Please talk to your doctor about the nightmares. They might want to change the meds. I had them also but they didn't carry through the day. Please take care of yourself.

 

Ps...I'm still an admirer of yours. You are a strong woman

William Established Member

William

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Discussion of a now-moderated member's postings has been redacted and moderation directs members to continue to focus on the topic and in compliance with our guidelines of interaction. Thank you!

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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P&V I think the MC is doing you harm while it's trying to make him feel better. You went, you did it, but I don't think it's healthy for you to go. You don't need the stress and aggravation of listening to him. You know you are divorcing him and have excellent reason to. I know you are going by the advice of your lawyer to protect yourself but I would hate to hear about you having another attack.

 

I tend to agree with this. I'd be tempted to have your lawyer make do with two visits to the MC.

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cozycottagelg Established Member

cozycottagelg

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I tend to agree with this. I'd be tempted to have your lawyer make do with two visits to the MC.

 

From what I've read, MC only works if both parties are working toward a common goal, which isn't the case here. I don't think you should have to pay someone to sit and listen to your husband whine ;)

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krazikat Established Member

krazikat

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Why why why why why do people get their kids involved when it comes to affairs or any drama they are having in the marriage. My parents never cheated on each other, but they never fought in front of my siblings & I & they kept their adult drama MATURELY to themselves. I am forever grateful for that. I've read blogs where some of these betrayed spouses use their kids as tormented pawns in order to try to control the husband into coming back. It's immature, it's controlling, & it's cruel. LEAVE THE EFFING KIDS OUT OF IT!

 

Agreed....

 

However, Peaks kids a full grown adults...and ow approached Peaks while Peaks was eating with her adult child....considering the kids are adults, it is a bit different.

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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Why why why why why do people get their kids involved when it comes to affairs or any drama they are having in the marriage. My parents never cheated on each other, but they never fought in front of my siblings & I & they kept their adult drama MATURELY to themselves. I am forever grateful for that. I've read blogs where some of these betrayed spouses use their kids as tormented pawns in order to try to control the husband into coming back. It's immature, it's controlling, & it's cruel. LEAVE THE EFFING KIDS OUT OF IT!

 

 

Were you stating something in general or addressing this to me? I am confused.

underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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How are you doing peaks?

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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Weekend counseling is done and the next one is tomorrow. It is interesting to sit there and watch the counselor try to guide WS toward a healthy ending for this sham of a marriage and he fight her ever step of the way. It is obvious though that things are really sinking in for him. He smelled like he had been drinking before the session and he looks likes hell. He hasn't shaved, his clothes were wrinkled and he has lost some weight.

 

The gravity of the situation is finally weighing on him like it has weighed on me. No communication from OW. She took the last conversation seriously. The kids are coping but we will do counseling after this current fiasco is over. It seems things are moving along just got to get the BP under control and gain some weight back. Just reading and processing.

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
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Why why why why why do people get their kids involved when it comes to affairs or any drama they are having in the marriage. My parents never cheated on each other, but they never fought in front of my siblings & I & they kept their adult drama MATURELY to themselves. I am forever grateful for that. I've read blogs where some of these betrayed spouses use their kids as tormented pawns in order to try to control the husband into coming back. It's immature, it's controlling, & it's cruel. LEAVE THE EFFING KIDS OUT OF IT!

 

I can agree with leaving the kids out of it when they are young or if you are making the choice to reconcile. But that is not the case here. Her kids are actually adults. She is divorcing their father. What the heck is she supposed to tell them?

 

Also, MOW decided to show up and confront peaks in front of her grown daughter.....no way to hide that.

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted
Weekend counseling is done and the next one is tomorrow. It is interesting to sit there and watch the counselor try to guide WS toward a healthy ending for this sham of a marriage and he fight her ever step of the way. It is obvious though that things are really sinking in for him. He smelled like he had been drinking before the session and he looks likes hell. He hasn't shaved, his clothes were wrinkled and he has lost some weight.

 

It finally hit him that he cannot sugar coat the affair and the marriage anymore. This is good for the future. It means that he is accepting it and will be able to move one eventually. It still amazes me the strength you are showing. Is there anything you have learned from MC also? Anything that has to do with you?

 

The gravity of the situation is finally weighing on him like it has weighed on me. No communication from OW. She took the last conversation seriously.

 

That is great. Beware though....I thought I was in the clear and the other BS seems to pop up at the most unlikely times. It sets me back a little each time.

 

The kids are coping but we will do counseling after this current fiasco is over. It seems things are moving along just got to get the BP under control and gain some weight back. Just reading and processing.

 

So are you taking good care of yourself then? Are you gaining back some weight yet?

 

 

see bolded.

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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see bolded.

 

 

I would be lying if I said I am taking good care of myself. It is what it is for now. Not gaining but not losing as fast either.

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