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Major Steps Forward

peaksandvalleys

By peaksandvalleys
in Infidelity

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

Posted
Posted

The craziness continues but with what I think is a little progress toward the end of some of this mess. First the kids and I have had a very intense and in depth conversation. I let them ask questions and I answered them as truthfully as I could. I don't think I bad mouthed their father but I am sure my facial expressions didn't hide anything. I am surprised that one of them actually asked him a couple years ago if he were having an affair and he assured them that would never do that and that he was just going through a rough time with his personal goals. I was asked if I had an affair. I admitted that I thought about it the more frustrated I became. I also admitted that I came to an online forum to discuss that possibility with the hopes of finding some type od clarity.

 

We talked about the his unwillingness to do marriage counseling and possibility they have a half sibling. They have very mixed emotions about that and I can't blame them. I also told them that is one of the things that is making it really hard for me to deal with him in any form. I was also asked how I could have not known? That shocked me. I explained that I asked like they did and was given similar responses. There was no reason for me NOT to trust him. I didn't completely respect some of his choices but those had to do with the business. I also told them I was resentful because my conversations seemed to fall on deaf ears.

 

We agreed to family counseling which I think can only help us help each other. They have not agreed to do counseling with him though, just with me. My lawyer did convince me to do 5 marriage counseling sessions with him so that he will understand it is time for him to move on. The first of those sessions was this past Saturday. The counselor had us complete a questionnaire before we met with her and then when we got together she told us she wants us to take some personality tests. She just let us talk and she did a lot of writing. She would ask me how I felt about some of the things he was saying. My response to everything is I am divorcing. The second session is Wednesday. He thinks this woman is going to change my mind.

 

I also did something that many of you advised against as well as my lawyer. I did met with OW in a very public place. I took friends who recorded everything from different points and I had voice activated recorder in my lap. I told her to talk. Tell me whatever it is you want me to know. She wanted me to know that WS is really in love with me (didn't I hear this already?) that she is a good person. A good wife and a good mother. She is sorry for hurting me and she just wants us to get this out in the open so that we can move forward and repair the damage. She knows that I really am a "decent" person who has been traumatized by my WS's actions (wait what?). Like she didn't have anything to do with it.

 

She had the nerve to ask me how my children were doing. :mad: I bit my down on my tongue so hard that I think I actually drew blood. Then she told me how her children are having a rough time with their father being out of the house. They don't understand why he and mommy keep crying all the time. So I told her, that is not my problem it is yours. That didn't go over too well. The look on her face was like she was choking on something. She wanted to know if my heart was the hard. Yes it is you walking, talking piece of something that should be scraped off the bottom of a shoe.

 

I told her how I felt about her. What I wished would truly happen to her and that I hoped that everything negative she helped plan for me would be her future only triple fold. I told her I don't even view her as a person right now, maybe at some point in future but not right now. She also was warned that future contact would result in legal action. Then I pointed out my friends and told her she was being recorded so she needed to measure her reaction appropriately. She grabbed her crap and stormed out. I needed that. I feel so much better.

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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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It may be useful to inform the counselor that you need help parenting the kids when not together.

 

IF you plan to divorce - make sure the counselor knows to work on THAT with you two.

 

You can steer the sessions - to make it clear you don't intend to R - and need help with where to go from here moving forward.

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underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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Wow....no wonder I didn't see any recent posts this weekend from you. You have been really busy. I think you handled talking with the kids perfectly....especially since things are still raw. I also like you response at MC, although I would throw in a "Doesn't matter now, he should have said all this prior to the affair." As far as MOW and talking....I wish you wouldn't, but it made you feel better so no breach there. I did too...I talked to her about 3-4 times and realized she is just as messed up as I thought she was.

 

Keep progressing forward!!!! And may you have the strength not to cry in front of him during the next few sessions. Even if those tears of from rage.

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dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

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Just a thought - have you and your laywer considered any possible counter legal moves against you - if any? or any actions OW or WH might take? Not sure what - but you never know what they might come after you with.

 

Has either OW or WH retained a laywer?

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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Wow....no wonder I didn't see any recent posts this weekend from you. You have been really busy. I think you handled talking with the kids perfectly....especially since things are still raw. I also like you response at MC, although I would throw in a "Doesn't matter now, he should have said all this prior to the affair." As far as MOW and talking....I wish you wouldn't, but it made you feel better so no breach there. I did too...I talked to her about 3-4 times and realized she is just as messed up as I thought she was.

 

Keep progressing forward!!!! And may you have the strength not to cry in front of him during the next few sessions. Even if those tears of from rage.

 

 

I so want this to be a reality.

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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Posted (edited)
Just a thought - have you and your laywer considered any possible counter legal moves against you - if any? or any actions OW or WH might take? Not sure what - but you never know what they might come after you with.

 

Has either OW or WH retained a laywer?

 

 

Don't know about OW but I WH has started to realize he needs to ASAP. He knows there is a buyer for the business. The house in this economy is going to be a tougher deal though.

Edited by peaksandvalleys
underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
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I so want this to be a reality.

Its not a bad thing if you do. I think it jolts them a little to see the pain they have caused. But if you are anything like me....you hate crying in front of people because I irrationally think it is a sign of weakness. I walked around all day and night for 3 days after dday just so he wouldn't see how much I was crying.

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Yesterday Member

Yesterday

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P&V

 

Kudos, on the kids and MC. Very mature and in line with the strength you have shown.

 

 

As to meeting the OW, I didn't think it was a good idea but water under the bridge. Happy for you that you feel better for going ahead! Excellent backup with your friends and recording the conversation! Her statements were in essence the same as her emails to you. She accepts no responsibilities for her part in the affair and continues to blame you and your WS for the her misfortune.

 

Amazing part was her final threat of legal action should you contact her again - after she requested this meeting!? It would be prudent to contact your lawyer and issue an official warning to her at this time.

 

Well done! Keep strong.

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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P&V

 

Kudos, on the kids and MC. Very mature and in line with the strength you have shown.

 

 

As to meeting the OW, I didn't think it was a good idea but water under the bridge. Happy for you that you feel better for going ahead! Excellent backup with your friends and recording the conversation! Her statements were in essence the same as her emails to you. She accepts no responsibilities for her part in the affair and continues to blame you and your WS for the her misfortune.

 

Amazing part was her final threat of legal action should you contact her again - after she requested this meeting!? It would be prudent to contact your lawyer and issue an official warning to her at this time.

 

Well done! Keep strong.

 

I am sorry if I gave that impression. I am the one who told her that. I am tired of her.

  • Like 6
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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I am glad your meeting with her gave you closure.

 

Isn't it amazing how both the WS and AP never want to be judged or viewed harshly after leaving this wake of destruction and devastation to so many others?

 

Like me, like me, like me please?????

 

And please don't be mad at me.....and I am a victim in all of this and in so much pain too. And typically, NO ONE'S PAIN is ever as great as their own.

 

It's as if they do not realize their actions created the mess they are now in.

 

the self-centered ness and lack of empathy for others is simply mind-boggling.

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Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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I think counseling with your children is a wonderful idea. My heart breaks for them as it did my own.

 

There is NEVER a good age to learn of a parent's affair. I hope some day they do forgive him and try to have the best relationship possible with him.

 

I know initially, as a BS, this is such a difficult concept to embrace because you were betrayed and your children are rallying around you as they should.

 

Yet I understood intuitively how much this could potentially mess them up.....sometimes for generations, and I was damned if I was going to allow the affair another casualty.

 

So I put on my finest mother hat and encouraged healing and forgiveness of their father....even if at times it killed me to do so. And I resisted the very normal reaction of making them allies to my anger.

 

It's not easy, but you are strong enough to pull this off I think.

 

Good luck to you and your children.

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cozycottagelg Established Member

cozycottagelg

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It really bothers me that she wants you to feel bad because her kids see her and her husband crying. Like that is your fault? She is the one who had an affair... I don't understand how she feels like this is on you??

 

I've done some stupid stuff in my life, where it would be easier to place blame, but in the end, I am mad at myself for mistakes.

 

I wonder what she thought she would get out of meeting with you anyway? Did she expect you to apologize for her affair? It is baffling.

  • Like 7
Yesterday Member

Yesterday

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I am sorry if I gave that impression. I am the one who told her that. I am tired of her.

 

My bad, I misread.

 

thanks,

Stellar Wench Established Member

Stellar Wench

Posted
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My lawyer did convince me to do 5 marriage counseling sessions with him so that he will understand it is time for him to move on.
i cannot disagree with this more. It is a waste of your valuable time and resources. The onus is not on you to help him get over the consequence of the mess he created.
  • Like 2
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
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i cannot disagree with this more. It is a waste of your valuable time and resources. The onus is not on you to help him get over the consequence of the mess he created.

 

legally, it is good strategy.

 

better to have five sessions under your belt BEFORE appearing in court, than have the judge postpone the hearing until you do so....which just delays the divorce....

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Stellar Wench Established Member

Stellar Wench

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State specific perhaps? I was required to do no such thing, nor would I have consented to it.

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Confused48 Established Member

Confused48

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i cannot disagree with this more. It is a waste of your valuable time and resources. The onus is not on you to help him get over the consequence of the mess he created.

 

If her lawyer said to do it she should. Unless she gets a second opinion to the contrary. Why pay experts for advice if you won't follow it? Sure, get a second opinion. Absolutely. But follow the advice of paid professionals over that of internet chat forums.

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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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State specific perhaps? I was required to do no such thing, nor would I have consented to it.

 

 

It wasn't a requirement. Just a firm suggestion. I believe he is looking out for my best interest and trying to counter anything that he thinks that WS would come up with to delay anymore than necessary.

  • Like 6
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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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The 2nd session was last night and it was mainly a "woe is me" session for WS. Everything is so hard. Everybody is against him. He wants me to postpone the divorce for a period of time. Not going to happen and I said so. I told the counselor the information that I had about him and the OW and why I will NEVER trust him again. The counselor told him he can't force me to feel something that I don't. Of course we are ganging up on him. :rolleyes: Look jerkface, this was your idea.

  • Like 9
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peaksandvalleys Established Member

peaksandvalleys

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I also wanted to ask about the nightmares. I am taking something to help me sleep but now I have terrible dreams about him and the OW. They do some really horrible things and then I retaliate with even worse things. I wake up unable to shake the feeling of anger and fear. Have any of you ever felt that way? I know the dreams are probably a normal reaction in a situation like this but the feelings sticking to be well into the day is that normal?

cozycottagelg Established Member

cozycottagelg

Posted
Posted
The 2nd session was last night and it was mainly a "woe is me" session for WS. Everything is so hard. Everybody is against him. He wants me to postpone the divorce for a period of time. Not going to happen and I said so. I told the counselor the information that I had about him and the OW and why I will NEVER trust him again. The counselor told him he can't force me to feel something that I don't. Of course we are ganging up on him. :rolleyes: Look jerkface, this was your idea.

 

This cracks me up. Because the respect you lost for him because of the affair is going to come rushing back when he's sulking. Idiot.

Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

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Yes....nightmares for quite a while and it's normal.

 

All that control of feelings and suppression of thoughts we need to exercise daily to function in the real world, is released at night in our dreams when we sleep.

 

It's actually a healthy release after trauma to do so.

 

Less important than the cast of characters....are the way the nightmares make you feel....and anger and fear after betrayal sounds about right.

  • Like 1
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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I also wanted to ask about the nightmares. I am taking something to help me sleep but now I have terrible dreams about him and the OW. They do some really horrible things and then I retaliate with even worse things. I wake up unable to shake the feeling of anger and fear. Have any of you ever felt that way? I know the dreams are probably a normal reaction in a situation like this but the feelings sticking to be well into the day is that normal?

 

Yep, it's normal (both to have them and for them to linger). Normal and crappy. The only success I have had with nightmares is to force myself to think of something else right as I'm falling asleep.

 

PV, at this point I couldn't care less about your WH or his OW. It's time to focus on coming down from that angry high and healing yourself. All of this tension is making me nervous for you and you've already had one anxiety attack. Is there anything that can serve as a good distraction? Maybe a GNO where everyone agrees NOT to discuss your WH?

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RightThere Established Member

RightThere

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I also wanted to ask about the nightmares. I am taking something to help me sleep but now I have terrible dreams about him and the OW. They do some really horrible things and then I retaliate with even worse things. I wake up unable to shake the feeling of anger and fear. Have any of you ever felt that way? I know the dreams are probably a normal reaction in a situation like this but the feelings sticking to be well into the day is that normal?

 

I have them now and again as well. Mine were more when I was trying to reconcile and my STBXW was pretending to. They are very intense and disturbing and usually stay with your thoughts longer than normal dreams would.

 

Don't read too much into them because I believe it's really just your mind racing with everything that is going on and it is a kind of release for your brain. I know I had some totally messed up ones and for most of the same day I kept thinking "did I really think those awful thoughts?"

 

Your brain needs to do some crazy stuff while you sleep in order to release anxiety and keep the awake you sane.

  • Like 3
underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted
The 2nd session was last night and it was mainly a "woe is me" session for WS. Everything is so hard. Everybody is against him. He wants me to postpone the divorce for a period of time. Not going to happen and I said so. I told the counselor the information that I had about him and the OW and why I will NEVER trust him again. The counselor told him he can't force me to feel something that I don't. Of course we are ganging up on him. :rolleyes: Look jerkface, this was your idea.

Told you he would get a dose of reality....MC isn't just a way to make a marriage work, it is also a way to figure out it won't. His eyes will slowly open to the damage that he has done to the marriage and you. Don't back down and hell if he wants to air his issue will you prior to the marriage....air his too. What they don't tend to realize is we realize things were not perfect....for EITHER person. But only one chose to step out.

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