fuggit Awlle Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) Here is the scenario... About 4 months ago, I met someone on a dating site. We hit it off great and we have been talking, texting, and spending time together. Recently started sleeping together. I mentioned to this person I had taken my dating profile down. Then the other person mentioned he'd be doing the same. He has mentioned this on 3 seperate occassions. He now texts/calls/misses me on the daily. Cool. How nice, right. Well, yesterday, it so happens that I saw that he still has his dating profile up and has made a few updates. I bring it up to him, saying I was scrolling through old email msgs and I came across one of his, from the site, and in doing that I clicked on his picture and, what do you know, it took me to his active profile. Again, this person says to me, oh yes, I have been meaning to shut that profile down. I say to him, listen, if you're still actively seeking others, it's cool, just let me know. His response is... Really? I just stated I been meaning to shut it down and you ask me this? To answer your question, I havent been on there in months and yes, I did put new pics up but I havent been actively seeking anyone but you. So I simply responded by saying... I simply asked a question, you've responded and I appreciate your response. I simply like being clear. Having said that, I want you to know I am looking to find someone I can build something with and not just a friends with benefits. I hope we are on the same page. It seems like we are but in case clarity is lacking, Im letting you know what Im hoping to attain. Now, I havent heard back from this person but you as others looking in, what do you make of all this? How should I approach this situation? Should I push further or just let it be and wait to see if he even responds. Men, what is your take on this? Edited November 5, 2013 by fuggit Awlle
Clay Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Let him come to you. If he is not ready to take down his profile on the site then it is clearly a sign hes not sure he wants to be committed to just you. Actions always speak louder than words. If you don't hear from him put yours back up. Men love the chase. Clay 2
veggirl Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 He's a liar and is scoping out what else is available. I mean really, "I put up new pics but am not looking for anyone else" REALLY? Tell me you don't believe that bulls.hit. 4 months, why aren't you guys in a relationship by now? He is biding his time til he meets someone else, guaranteed. I'd just move on. It's very telling that he hasn't responded. He doesn't care enough to. 6
mikei880 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Sounds to me he is telling you one thing but doing another. Once you challenged him he dissappeared....... In my book words and actions should sync up.
salparadise Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 After four months you're referring to him affectionately as "this person," he still has a recently updated active profile, and you two are negotiating with the trust and enthusiasm of an Arab and a Israeli... I'll tell you what I'd do... Put my profile back up and quit taking his calls. He has just shown you that you are less important to him than some imaginary "next person" whom he intends to meet. This is one of the biggest pitfalls of online dating- the paradox of choice. 2
Mascara Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Here's what you do - 1. Reactivate your profile 2. Go online as much as you did before you met him You might choose to mention it to him first. Or he might ask you about it. If he does, this is what you say - "If you're going to keep your options, so am I. And women have waaaaay more options than men, but I'm going to assume you're ok with that" You never ever ask for him to take it down again, but you downgrade your relationship and he is no longer a priority. 1
mammasita Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 He's playing games. Forgetting to take down his profile is one thing. Him making updates is an OBVIOUS hint that he's not serious about you.
soccerrprp Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Guy here: 1. He didn't "forget" to take down his profile 2. He is certainly scoping out other interests 3. His defensive response is a nail in the coffin sign that he has been and is playing you Put up your profile and keep looking...
PutARingOnIt Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 he hasn't been on but he put up new pics? how is that possible. he's a liar. 1
soccerrprp Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 he hasn't been on but he put up new pics? how is that possible. he's a liar. Of course. He has to be "on" in order to add pics and he certainly checked out other profiles.
salparadise Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) You really have to find someone who is relationship oriented, and the timing and personalities have to be right if you want a real relationship. One or more of these is not the case with this guy. I think it's time to close this one out for good... you're not on the same page at all. The profile thing can be problematic. I've been seeing someone I met online and we both still have profiles up. I wanted to start investing in a relationship but it's too soon to have the talk. Nevertheless, I was not happy seeing that she was online every day, presumably talking to other guys. So we made a couple of joking comments about the site, and I decided to show her I was investing in her only by not logging in for about a week (you can see when the last login was). So the next time I logged in I see that she hadn't been on recently either! That being consistent with what I was sensing, and how well we seem to mesh, made me very happy. If she had continued I'd be divesting now instead of thinking about what a sweetheart she is. It's just one of many ways you can sense it when the wavelengths are in sync. If I were you I'd at the very least make him do a restart from square one, but really think you should drop his ass and move on. At four months you should know if there's any real spark and I don't think I sense any in your words. Edited November 5, 2013 by salparadise
d0nnivain Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 OLD has people who are always looking for the bigger, better deal. When he said he was taking the profile down, that should have been the end of it. When you tried to discuss it & he lied to you, that is a whole other ballgame (& one I wouldn't want to play). You were far more understanding & open minded than I would have been. By not contacting you, he has made his feelings clear. Back to the drawing board for you. Sorry.
Phantom888 Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 He is lying. Only reason to update your profile pics is if you are actively searching.
headinthecloud Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Let me guess, he's also shared with you about his past relationships about he was cheated on and has also cheated on his past exes but he brokeup with them the next day? (total bs, he was trolling long before he did the deed). If you are in an exclusive relationship and your partner is actively reviewing profiles on dating sites THAT IS CHEATING! It means that they are looking for another option. My ex told me almost the exact same thing when I caught him online. His excuse to me was "I paid for a year's membership". Then I found out he had other accounts. He was cheater and a liar. He's just not that into you and now that you've been intimate he's definitely going to keep his options open. Just reading this brings back the anger and pain of having gone through the experience. Drop him and go NC, he's not trustworthy. There are much better men out there.
newmoon Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 he's not trustworthy, but imo it's because YOU initiated the 'I took my profile down' thing and not him. you were demonstrating readiness/exclusivity before he was ready for it. your fault as I see it. when a guy wants to be serious he'll say to you 'I took my profile down...' you jumped the gun by saying it first and expecting he'd do the same and follow your example.
Leigh 87 Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 My ex took his profile down the day before we met. He was looking a gf, had been single for a long while and had other things in his life on track; he was ready for a relationship with the right person. We felt something special on the phone, so he explained that he likes to focus on one person at a time. He wanted to know if I was on the same page. When we met, we had crazy chemistry and he told me he had taken his profile down. I stopped going online but didn't bother taking the profile down. He found out (be asked me) and he was upset about it. Bottom line: if a guy is into you, he won't want to talk to other women online. He would have taken his profile down with I a week of meeting you. When a guy is really into you, he can't get you off his mind and he definitely doesn't talk to other girls. They become invisible to him. All the guys I know of, once they met a girl who knocked their socks off; they immediately stopped thinking about other girls. Immediately. They didn't need days or weeks to " know" if they reallllllly liked her......
newmoon Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 My ex took his profile down the day before we met. He was looking a gf, had been single for a long while and had other things in his life on track; he was ready for a relationship with the right person. We felt something special on the phone, so he explained that he likes to focus on one person at a time. He wanted to know if I was on the same page. When we met, we had crazy chemistry and he told me he had taken his profile down. I stopped going online but didn't bother taking the profile down. He found out (be asked me) and he was upset about it. Bottom line: if a guy is into you, he won't want to talk to other women online. He would have taken his profile down with I a week of meeting you. When a guy is really into you, he can't get you off his mind and he definitely doesn't talk to other girls. They become invisible to him. All the guys I know of, once they met a girl who knocked their socks off; they immediately stopped thinking about other girls. Immediately. They didn't need days or weeks to " know" if they reallllllly liked her...... definitely agree w/your last statement - a guy who likes you doesn't need months to decide that. women give guys far too long. in my experience they do tend to know very fast if you're 'it'
phineas Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 He's a liar and is scoping out what else is available. I mean really, "I put up new pics but am not looking for anyone else" REALLY? Tell me you don't believe that bulls.hit. 4 months, why aren't you guys in a relationship by now? He is biding his time til he meets someone else, guaranteed. I'd just move on. It's very telling that he hasn't responded. He doesn't care enough to. This is really all that needs to be said.
Author fuggit Awlle Posted November 6, 2013 Author Posted November 6, 2013 Thank you all for your blunt honesty. Since my thread, he has text and called. Im still not sure about him but what can I say, I cant seem to grow the strength to say, I will walk away. I guess, for me, I will just begin to distance myself slowly. If someone is meant for me so be it, if not well, life goes on. he did say though, I made him happy. That he thinks of me everyday and I'm always on his mind. That he misses me. All of me. Unfortunately, that isn't enough. Not when a dating profile is still active.
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