How to know if it's the right decision?

[Eclypse]

Things aren't too good with my girlfriend at the moment. First ever relationship, 3.5 years long. I'm 23 and she 24. I've come to realise we're two very different people. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love being in contact with her. She's a lot more withdrawn and doesn't really tell me how she feels. She's also not very affectionate, and not very interested in sex. I put up with this in the earlier years and hoped it would get better over time. It did at times but then returned to how it was. Getting rejected by your girlfriend on a regular basis hurts on a deep level and it happens a lot.

 

We only meet up once a week due to distance and it feels like the same old thing every week. I don't call her a lot because she told me not to.. We barely talk.. even when together. She says there's nothing to talk about. I can't blame her for being who she is. It must not be fun to dislike sex and be with a horny 20s male who wants it a lot. She says its just how she is. I tell her how I feel but it's always swept under the rug. I've stopped trying.

 

So that's how it is. I've painted a pretty bleak picture and the obvious solution is to break up right? But then I think about all the good times. And believe me there have been many. I think about our overseas trip, about all the laughs, how we share common interests in movies, games and TV. Her sense of humor.. the way we can get each other. There are those... and then there's the no sex, her not wanting to go out, not wanting to try new things (I have no idea how I convinced her to go on the overseas trip). She doesn't care about excercise (which I love) and I really wanted to go bush walking, exploring etc.

 

I entertain thoughts of breaking up, but then I think what if I make the wrong decision? There's no going back after that. And I'm not certain it is... even though I'm pretty miserable at the moment. She's all I've ever known, and the only girl I ever loved. I don't think I'd be able to share the TV shows we loved with another girl, the memories of me and my gf laughing our heads off would crush me from the inside. Same with favourite resteraunts etc.

 

Speaking of other girls, perhaps it is cliched for a guy of my age, but I've always wondered what it would be to experience. I could never have sex with another while with my gf. The guilt would kill me, plus it would be very disrespectful. I could never look her in the face. There's a girl I'm friends with who likes me a lot. I've been talking with her from time to time on Facebook and it almost feels like an emotional affair and that guilt is eating me up. I've had the opportunity to sleep with her (she basically invited me). I can't do it... I just think of my gf and I can't bring myself to do it. Despite the mistreatment and emotional coldness I still love her so much. On the other hand the idea of sex with another girl who pays attention to me is so appealing.. and I know this is just GIGS!

 

That's about all I can write now. It helped to get it off my chest. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

[Els]

Hey, Eclypse.

 

This has been a very long-standing issue with your gf, IMO, and if you're this unhappy about lack of sex/intimacy now, cohabitation or marriage is unlikely to make it any better. I don't usually champion people leaving a LTR without trying to fix things, but it seems that you have tried for a while and it has not gotten better. In that case it's better to leave before either of you invests too much into the R for a hopeless cause.

 

I do have to ask, though: Does this feeling of intense dissatisfaction line up with your new girl crush? As in, did you only start feeling THIS bad about things after your crush, or was it around before? It may be a good idea to cut contact with your crush for a while before you make any decisions, so that you'll know if it is GIGS or genuine unhappiness.

[ponchsox]

OP, I know exactly what you are going through. I had a very similar experience with my last relationship on 1.5 years. She acted very similarly to that of your GF. She became more distant, less affectionate, and pushed me further away. A lot of it was things going on in her life with her son and her ex husband that I couldn't control.

 

It sounds like you have a very big heart like I do. Six months into our relationship, I broke up with her because I felt something wasn't right. I second guessed myself and ended up getting back with her. In retrospect, this was the wrong decision because the problems in our relationship got worse, and I ended up getting hurt, mostly because of the time and energy I put into it, which was mainly to keep us hanging by a thread, which isn't a relationship. My advise is to end it, as hard as it will be. It will be better for you in the long run.

[Eclypse]

Hi Elswyth, thanks for the level headed advice as usual. I've known the "girl crush" for a few years now, but she's not really been in my thoughts much until lately. Yes you're right about the time I started feeling really bad about this R. Although this isn't the first time I've felt this bad, it happened earlier this year and last year a few times too, before it passed and I just cruised on. The other girl is really gorgeous, but that's about it. She's a drug user and serial cheater. I could never bring her home, let alone have an R. But the idea of a fling is attractive.

 

I came very close to breaking up with my gf today, but looking into her beautiful eyes I couldn't do it. I love her too much. But then when I get home and I'm all alone in the dark, that's when the bad thoughts start running through my head and I can't sleep. I think I will cut all comtact with that other girl for a while and see what happens. Maybe this is just a phase... I just want my girlfriend to be more open and loving. I keep dreaming everything will be ok.

[xUnknown]

Hey, Eclypse.

 

This has been a very long-standing issue with your gf, IMO, and if you're this unhappy about lack of sex/intimacy now, cohabitation or marriage is unlikely to make it any better. I don't usually champion people leaving a LTR without trying to fix things, but it seems that you have tried for a while and it has not gotten better. In that case it's better to leave before either of you invests too much into the R for a hopeless cause.

 

I do have to ask, though: Does this feeling of intense dissatisfaction line up with your new girl crush? As in, did you only start feeling THIS bad about things after your crush, or was it around before? It may be a good idea to cut contact with your crush for a while before you make any decisions, so that you'll know if it is GIGS or genuine unhappiness.

 

This is almost EXACTLY like the situation I was in. From January to late september when my ex and I broke up we had sex no more than 20 times. For a couple that saw eachother almost every day during the summer, this was bad. We would screw like jackrabbits for the first year or so, then january things changed. Sex never happened, I would initiate, then get turned down. It hurt. I brought it up to her on 3 or 4 occations, she always said it wasn't me - just stress of A,B,C &D and didn't mean to take it out on me. She said she loved me but didn't know if she was in love with me. Said she really didn't miss me a few weeks before we BU(she moved to MD 2 months earlier). Things became routine (another reason for the BU). Things were definitely off. A few weeks before we went on a break, my ex started running with a guy, only a friend - one of the few she had down there since she moved. This guy said he had a crush on her. She was venting to him about our relationship problems. I know this guy fed her a bunch of BS because he wanted a chance with her.

 

So maybe this guy in my situation is this crush in yours, only in a sense that it is emotionally cheating. I saw my ex as emotionally cheating because she was letting someone who doesn't even know me, or our relationship at all, interfere with her decisions. She may not have cheated physically with him (not a very attractive guy, not to sound cocky, but I am better looking than this guy, but I know looks don't have everything to do with it). My ex was a person with low self esteem and hated the weight she put on over the past 2 years. She wasn't fat, by any means, but definitely put on some 15-20 pounds. This guy gave her attention and she felt better about herself. Cheating isn't always something physical, it can be as simple as letting someone screw with your head. Just like this girl gives you attention...you want her, you do - and you even said you felt like you were emotionally cheating.

 

This feeling in your gut is what the relationship is. The honey moon phase is gone and this is the real relationship. LEAVE NOW. Have some dignity. If I had picked up on all the red flags first, I would have been the one to end it in my scenario. If you enjoy sex often, and she doesn't, then there is a huge issue. Mine went from sex all the time, to rarely sex...I was dumb not to trust my gut the first time I could tell things were up. I trusted her and took her word as it being stress from this, that or the other thing.

 

It hurts to lose someone after so long. This girl was my first, serious, LTR. I'm still struggling to move on.

[Eclypse]

OP, I know exactly what you are going through. I had a very similar experience with my last relationship on 1.5 years. She acted very similarly to that of your GF. She became more distant, less affectionate, and pushed me further away. A lot of it was things going on in her life with her son and her ex husband that I couldn't control.

 

It sounds like you have a very big heart like I do. Six months into our relationship, I broke up with her because I felt something wasn't right. I second guessed myself and ended up getting back with her. In retrospect, this was the wrong decision because the problems in our relationship got worse, and I ended up getting hurt, mostly because of the time and energy I put into it, which was mainly to keep us hanging by a thread, which isn't a relationship. My advise is to end it, as hard as it will be. It will be better for you in the long run.

 

This is pretty much how it's with me! She's had depression and a whole heap of other issues which partly explains her attitude. I feel I would be cruel to destroy her.., because she does say she loves me and that I make her feel better. On the other hand that Fight Club quote keeps playing in my head: "This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time". How long can one wait after all. I have my own life too.

 

How did you cope with the break up? This is my first love and I can't imagine it happening.

[Turnandcough]

Hey OP,

You know a lot of the reasons she may not feel affecionatly for your is because you are too readily available to her. I learned this the hard way after my love broke up with me for anither dude. I would reccomend going onto youtube and watching some Corey Wayne videos. He is really good about maintaining a high level of attraction and taking the power back in a relationship. You can reattract a girl your in a relationsip with. So many people would rather run and blame faults on others when really all you had to do was fix something in your, or how you approach your relationship. I mean you might as well try everything before cutting ties with this girl.

[Els]

Hi Elswyth, thanks for the level headed advice as usual. I've known the "girl crush" for a few years now, but she's not really been in my thoughts much until lately. Yes you're right about the time I started feeling really bad about this R. Although this isn't the first time I've felt this bad, it happened earlier this year and last year a few times too, before it passed and I just cruised on. The other girl is really gorgeous, but that's about it. She's a drug user and serial cheater. I could never bring her home, let alone have an R. But the idea of a fling is attractive.

 

I came very close to breaking up with my gf today, but looking into her beautiful eyes I couldn't do it. I love her too much. But then when I get home and I'm all alone in the dark, that's when the bad thoughts start running through my head and I can't sleep. I think I will cut all comtact with that other girl for a while and see what happens. Maybe this is just a phase... I just want my girlfriend to be more open and loving. I keep dreaming everything will be ok.

 

Yes, cut contact for a while and see how you feel in a couple weeks' time or so.

 

Honestly, I think it's a bit early in the process to be justifying staying with a person this much. Especially with the way your thoughts are going right now, I do think that leaving might be the better idea. As painful as it is, 23/24 is still fairly young and you both have your lives ahead of you. I'm not going to throw the 'millions of fish in the sea' line at you, because I totally get how it feels to have a person whom you connect with in a special manner. For most of us, there aren't millions of people with whom that happens.

 

But, there is usually more than one. I felt the same way you currently do, when I was a couple years younger than you and breaking up with my then-ex. But it was the best thing to do. Because as much as love/attraction plays a part, compatibility and effort matters a whole lot too.

[xUnknown]

Hey OP,

You know a lot of the reasons she may not feel affecionatly for your is because you are too readily available to her. I learned this the hard way after my love broke up with me for anither dude. I would reccomend going onto youtube and watching some Corey Wayne videos. He is really good about maintaining a high level of attraction and taking the power back in a relationship. You can reattract a girl your in a relationsip with. So many people would rather run and blame faults on others when really all you had to do was fix something in your, or how you approach your relationship. I mean you might as well try everything before cutting ties with this girl.

 

I feel in my situation I too made myself too available. I didn't see it that way at the time, we just happened to see each other all the time and enjoyed the time together.

[Eclypse]

Hey OP,

You know a lot of the reasons she may not feel affecionatly for your is because you are too readily available to her. I learned this the hard way after my love broke up with me for anither dude. I would reccomend going onto youtube and watching some Corey Wayne videos. He is really good about maintaining a high level of attraction and taking the power back in a relationship. You can reattract a girl your in a relationsip with. So many people would rather run and blame faults on others when really all you had to do was fix something in your, or how you approach your relationship. I mean you might as well try everything before cutting ties with this girl.

 

Could this really be the case? I had assumed we were beyond the stage of game playing and underhanded meanings. I never liked hearing the word "power" used in the context of relationships. I just wanted to be equal. I suppose I could give some of it a shot. Currently I'm the one who drives many hours to see her, calls her every day, texts and just generally puts in the effort. I asked her if I stopped calling and didn't bother to show up if she'd call me and ask what was going on. She said she would... maybe i'll give it a go next week and drop off the face off the earth.

[Els]

How far apart do you guys live? Is there any practical reason you are the one always going to her instead of vice versa?

[Eclypse]

Yes, cut contact for a while and see how you feel in a couple weeks' time or so.

 

Honestly, I think it's a bit early in the process to be justifying staying with a person this much. Especially with the way your thoughts are going right now, I do think that leaving might be the better idea. As painful as it is, 23/24 is still fairly young and you both have your lives ahead of you. I'm not going to throw the 'millions of fish in the sea' line at you, because I totally get how it feels to have a person whom you connect with in a special manner. For most of us, there aren't millions of people with whom that happens.

 

But, there is usually more than one. I felt the same way you currently do, when I was a couple years younger than you and breaking up with my then-ex. But it was the best thing to do. Because as much as love/attraction plays a part, compatibility and effort matters a whole lot too.

 

I know what you mean with the millions of fish line. It's not quite as simple as going and picking a new partner off a shelf (if only). 23 is young and I certainly don't want to spend my whole life and youth like this! I'm not the most extroverted of people and I'm not really sure how I'd go about meeting someone new. But this is going far ahead, I'll have to make an executive decision on my relationship soon. I called my gf today and she seemed really nice to me. She actually sounded interested and suggested we start exercising together. I instantly felt guilty for thinking all these things and even making this thread! I guess we'll see how long the good feeling lasts. I get the impression its prolonging the inevitable sometimes... but not always. Glimmer of hope.

 

How far apart do you guys live? Is there any practical reason you are the one always going to her instead of vice versa?

 

It's about an hour and a half drive depending on traffic. This makes a 3 hour round trip which makes it a bit impractical (and expensive fuel wise!) for weekdays with work. I drive because she says she doesn't like driving and gets really tired. I get tired too, but I'm used to driving long haul trips now (I cover about 30,000km per year) so I've learned to deal with it. I guess I tried to be the "gentleman". Her car is quite old and has poor brakes too so we're worried about its safety on long journeys. I have a brand new performance car (my pride and joy) with expensive tyres and powerful brakes, so I feel a bit more confident in me and my wheels. She talks about getting a new car but who knows when its going to happen, and probably I'll still end up having to drive.

[Els]

Ah, okay; yes, I remember now.

 

I don't personally think that you not driving to her is going to solve any problems, in that case. It's not safe for her to drive, so she isn't going to (and if she does, she needs a good shake to the shoulders). End result: stalemate.

 

I suppose you could try calling less, if you're really the one calling all the time too. Does she not call you at all?

[Eclypse]

Ah, okay; yes, I remember now.

 

I don't personally think that you not driving to her is going to solve any problems, in that case. It's not safe for her to drive, so she isn't going to (and if she does, she needs a good shake to the shoulders). End result: stalemate.

 

I suppose you could try calling less, if you're really the one calling all the time too. Does she not call you at all?

 

No she's only ever called me on my birthday (after I asked her to). I sound pathetic don't I? She says she doesn't like talking on the phone, and there's nothing to talk about every since nothing new happens. I guess she has a point but I like hearing her voice. That's why I call her. Is 10 minutes a day on the phone with your LTR really too much to ask for?

[Els]

No, it really isn't too much to ask for. I had no idea things were this bad, to be honest. Even if someone doesn't like talking on the phone all that much, if they were truly invested in their R they'd call once in a while, especially if they're only seeing their partner once a week.

 

Have you ever told her that you're seriously considering leaving? Perhaps have a frank talk with her about that and see if anything changes. IMO she does deserve the chance to change, but if she doesn't change I don't think you should stay.

[Eclypse]

No, it really isn't too much to ask for. I had no idea things were this bad, to be honest. Even if someone doesn't like talking on the phone all that much, if they were truly invested in their R they'd call once in a while, especially if they're only seeing their partner once a week.

 

Have you ever told her that you're seriously considering leaving? Perhaps have a frank talk with her about that and see if anything changes. IMO she does deserve the chance to change, but if she doesn't change I don't think you should stay.

 

I've told her I'm unhappy a lot. I say I'm thinking of leaving but she thinks I'm only kidding around. This is my fault too as I don't often push it deeper beyond that because of this.. fear I guess I've had of opening a new can of worms. We've had heart to hearts and we kiss and make up and everything's dandy for a while. My issue is I'm not assertive enough. I tend to want to avoid conflict. She gets defensive and eventually I drop the subject. It's something I'm working on. Is there a way to bring it up apart from bluntly stating "if you don't clean up your act I'm dumping you for good"? Or is that the best way?

 

I told her a couple of days ago I was talking to a female friend and she wanted me to go clubbing with her and then to have sex. She didn't seem phased. I told her I chose her because I love her. She just smiled and said "that's good". No other reaction, end of convo. Does that seem like a normal reaction? Maybe I should have carried on and said I was severely tempted and maybe she should be nicer to me or next time I would go out with that girl. But then it would just seem like a threat, and a pretty douchey way to go about things. But maybe extremes are the only way forward...

[Emilia]

I'm sorry Eclypse you are going through this. You do sound unhappy and from what I've read I don't think this relationship is good for you for the bolded reasons.

 

I've told her I'm unhappy a lot. I say I'm thinking of leaving but she thinks I'm only kidding around. This is my fault too as I don't often push it deeper beyond that because of this.. fear I guess I've had of opening a new can of worms. We've had heart to hearts and we kiss and make up and everything's dandy for a while. My issue is I'm not assertive enough. I tend to want to avoid conflict. She gets defensive and eventually I drop the subject. It's something I'm working on. Is there a way to bring it up apart from bluntly stating "if you don't clean up your act I'm dumping you for good"? Or is that the best way?

 

I told her a couple of days ago I was talking to a female friend and she wanted me to go clubbing with her and then to have sex. She didn't seem phased. I told her I chose her because I love her. She just smiled and said "that's good". No other reaction, end of convo. Does that seem like a normal reaction? Maybe I should have carried on and said I was severely tempted and maybe she should be nicer to me or next time I would go out with that girl. But then it would just seem like a threat, and a pretty douchey way to go about things. But maybe extremes are the only way forward...

 

You are practically begging her to confirm her love for you. It's not the way to be with someone and you know that. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible.

[Els]

Is there a way to bring it up apart from bluntly stating "if you don't clean up your act I'm dumping you for good"? Or is that the best way?

 

It's the best way at this point, given that gentler attempts have failed. You don't need to say it quite in that way, but you need to seriously state how unhappy you are and how close you are to leaving (not just thinking of leaving, but that you are going to do it if nothing changes). And truly leave, if she tries to just sweep things under the carpet again.

 

Also, save the talk for an in-person meeting, don't do it over the phone.

 

I told her a couple of days ago I was talking to a female friend and she wanted me to go clubbing with her and then to have sex. She didn't seem phased. I told her I chose her because I love her. She just smiled and said "that's good". No other reaction, end of convo. Does that seem like a normal reaction? Maybe I should have carried on and said I was severely tempted and maybe she should be nicer to me or next time I would go out with that girl. But then it would just seem like a threat, and a pretty douchey way to go about things. But maybe extremes are the only way forward...

 

No, don't do this, it's passive-aggressive and beats around the bush.

Edited November 6, 2013 by Elswyth

[Eclypse]

I'm sorry Eclypse you are going through this. You do sound unhappy and from what I've read I don't think this relationship is good for you for the bolded reasons.

 

 

 

You are practically begging her to confirm her love for you. It's not the way to be with someone and you know that. It sounds like the two of you are not compatible.

 

Yep... That sounds about right. I was getting a bit desperate at that point. I just wanted her to display some emotion. So I tried pushing her buttons and testing her.

 

It's the best way at this point, given that gentler attempts have failed. You don't need to say it quite in that way, but you need to seriously state how unhappy you are and how close you are to leaving (not just thinking of leaving, but that you are going to do it if nothing changes). And truly leave, if she tries to just sweep things under the carpet again.

 

Also, save the talk for an in-person meeting, don't do it over the phone.

 

 

 

No, don't do this, it's passive-aggressive and beats around the bush.

 

This weekend I'll do it and report back. Wish me luck!

[Els]

Good luck, E.

[Els]

How are you doing, OP?

[Eclypse]

How are you doing, OP?

 

Lately, things have been going alright with my girlfriend. She suddenly showed more of an interest in me, didn't complain when I called her, seemed a bit more receptive when cuddling.

 

The issue is that other girl now. As much as I tried to stay away from her, we've just ended up spending a lot of nights talking. I've realised that I've developed a serious crush on her. She's very nice. I feel a bit guilty, as she's now become a sort of confidante. She had always been, we've known each other for years, but last few weeks we've spent hours talking each night. We're going to meet up next week. I don't think I want to have sex, but I'm seriously attracted to her. She revealed she's had a massive crush on me for ages.

 

That's it really, I've got two girls now. I'm going to get flamed for this no doubt, which is why I refrained from posting for a few days. I've come to the conclusion I'm not really a very nice guy at all. I like the other girl, but I have strong feelings toward my girlfriend too. She's been the most important person in my life for so many years... we just drifted apart. I'm also curious to see what else is out there. I had no idea this would happen, or that it was even possible. I'm going to see what happens over the next week or so, before having to make an executive decision.

[strive]

I find that people tend to "gain courage" about ending things when there is a new person involved. It may or may not work with the new person (and by work I mean LTR), but it will eventually end just like your first RS. Why? Because you needed them to validate you as a person that can be loved. I'm sure everyone here already told you: Learn to love yourself first.

 

Some people always want to feel "in love" with each other, but that's not the stuff that would make a relationship last. The love that remains after being "in love" is what is what would allow you to go the distance.

 

You have GIGS, you already know that. If you really really need to, then go and work it out of your system. If you still want her after, then she's the love of your life. But ffs, leave her first.

 

Don't be a douce. Don't cheat. Don't be that guy.

[Emilia]

I've come to the conclusion I'm not really a very nice guy at all.

Haha welcome to my world.

[Els]

I'm not going to flame you, Eclypse. I do think that in fairness to your gf you should make your decision as soon as possible, though. Next week isn't terribly bad, just be sure that it doesn't turn into next week, and next, and next...