Flaw in our thinking

[blue963]

If you really think about it, we have a flaw in our thinking and our emotions. As the OM/OW we usually get limited amounts of time and a relationship that has bits and pieces. We profess our love, pining, waiting for the next time we get to speak or see them. We feel that there is no one out there that can equal what they are offering us. In truth, every person has some special things to offer. Why do we waste our precious time longing after a person and time together that we will never have. Life is flying by, and we aren't participating because we are in this little relationship bubble. We have to keep the relationship quiet because of what it is and we isolate ourselves from family and friends. Yes, we may have contact with these people but we aren't participating full-in, because we have this separate life.

 

Is this person really worth pushing your own life aside? Im sure you partner has given you many things, but how much time have you wasted processing emotions, sadness, loneliness, and heartache? Im sure the scale has tipped to one side dramatically.

[GettingOver]

If thinking about it rationally - then no, it is not worth it, nobody is that special and everyone can be replaced. We all "deserve partners that will be 100% ours", etc.

The point is - love is irrational. You cannot apply all this rational thinking to your heart that picked this particular person (let us not figure out WHY). And for you particularly this particular one is everything, taking him out of your life brings misery compared or worse than having him with all the emotional stress.

If you are with this person - you are not pushing your life aside - life is nothing but now. That means you are limiting yourself in your life, but I am quite sure everyone is limiting themselves on many other things - money, food, communication due to whatever external circumstances.

I am not saying that having an A feels good or that it could be compared to a low fat diet. I am just saiyng that you are still living your life having your AP in it. Ay least I feel that way. I don't like it, it hurts me, I amtrying to find solutions. But this is my now, means my life...

[blue963]

Yes, but dont we deserve the best now that we can possibly have? I understand what you are saying...believe me. Not judging, there is no right or wrong answer. Just questioning for myself why I am making the choices I am making.

[blue963]

So happy for you and I hope it continues to get even better. Mine was on vacation with his wife this week. I have been struggling with this relationship for quite a while. Not because of who he is as a person, but not being able to have normal things. Dinners, movies, walking thru the mall, support with I am going thru life struggles. I dont want to be hanging and waiting for a few minutes of attention. I deserve so much more...we all do.

[GettingOver]

I also thought about it... that maybe I and we all deseve better, etc. And it is now very popular to say things like "well, just fix your self esteem, dig deep into your childhood problems", etc - and then you'll be able to find a right partner. I personally cannot agree with this for 100% and having read multiple stories came across some when a former OW breaks it and still never finds truly happy relationship -in marriage of not. Sometimes still loving her MM for many eyars after the break up. The thing that I wanna say is that you might find better if you quit, you might not. You will feel better in some time if you break it and there is NC - but you are very likely to be empty inside. The advantage is not having the drama on a regular basis. You might stay in this relationship and find someoe who'll turn your world upside down tomorrow. You never know.

Yes, we all want and deserve the best. But show me who's gettin this "best"... There are tons of unhappy good people. I tried breaking up twice - first time was unbearable, second time he did not manage to stay NC. I have not met anyone better by now, and when I hug him - yes, he is THAT special no matter what. But I am pushing him now again trying to reduce my own pain. If he can't manage the situation and find at least a compromise - most likely I will stick to him untill I hate the situation again and feel better leaving. Or find another love. Why do I do it? I guess you are doing it for the same reason. It is stillbetter to have him like that than not to have him at all. And if you walk away it doesn't mean that all your "deserved" blessings will come to you right away like a miracle. They might not in fact. But you can find peace in long time with NC - this is true I guess. Never managed to stay that long, but had some sort of peace shortly. So to answer your question - leaving the A is not a guarantee for getting deserved "bests" and blessings.

[GettingOver]

So happy for you and I hope it continues to get even better. Mine was on vacation with his wife this week. I have been struggling with this relationship for quite a while. Not because of who he is as a person, but not being able to have normal things. Dinners, movies, walking thru the mall, support with I am going thru life struggles. I dont want to be hanging and waiting for a few minutes of attention. I deserve so much more...we all do.

These are the signs that soon you will get to the point of "enough is enough". When all these things will overweight having him. Unless he is working hard on making you feel needed and special the whole time. Or - as Red Wolverine said - you might figure that HE doesn't deserve YOU! This will make things so much easier. If I now discovered that my MM lied to me re anything he said about his possible D - I would drop him in a blink of an eye for being such an ass and lying looking into my face. One thing is being scared of hurting kids, loosing a lot and what if I leave him. Lying and hurting intentionally is something else..

[Goodbye]

Blue, like you I had the realization that he couldn't be with me during MY hard times. He'd say he was just a phone call/plane ride away...but was he really? If I had something really bad happen and I called him in the middle of the night, would he come and find me? No. No way. Coming to find me would require concocting an elaborate story for his wife about something that came up with one of his businesses and/or how suddenly he needed to fly to the east coast to be with his cousin who he rarely speaks to...and then backburner his family to come be with me. Would that be of comfort to me? No way.

 

I am alone these days. I am (for once) happier being alone than with anyone. It took me a good 6 months to move past the insanity of the exMM situation. FINALLY I am not pining for him and it feels good. I'd rather be alone than someone's secret, someone's reason to generate lies.

 

Thank you for this thread.

[Summer Breeze]

If you really think about it, we have a flaw in our thinking and our emotions. As the OM/OW we usually get limited amounts of time and a relationship that has bits and pieces. We profess our love, pining, waiting for the next time we get to speak or see them. We feel that there is no one out there that can equal what they are offering us. In truth, every person has some special things to offer. Why do we waste our precious time longing after a person and time together that we will never have. Life is flying by, and we aren't participating because we are in this little relationship bubble. We have to keep the relationship quiet because of what it is and we isolate ourselves from family and friends. Yes, we may have contact with these people but we aren't participating full-in, because we have this separate life.

 

Is this person really worth pushing your own life aside? Im sure you partner has given you many things, but how much time have you wasted processing emotions, sadness, loneliness, and heartache? Im sure the scale has tipped to one side dramatically.

 

 

I had a R with someone who worked overseas and life together was very limited. Much more so than with DMM. He was a lovely man and I think if the circumstances had been different we might have had a good life together. But I couldn't take the not seeing him and only talking to him for a few minutes here and there. I remember asking him what we had and where we were going to be and got blanks back. NEXT. He was happy where he was and he was happy to have me where I was. I wasn't.

 

What I'm getting at is any R needs to fulfill you and if it doesn't then off you go. We all have to decide what we will or won't accept and make our choices from there.

[Got it]

So happy for you and I hope it continues to get even better. Mine was on vacation with his wife this week. I have been struggling with this relationship for quite a while. Not because of who he is as a person, but not being able to have normal things. Dinners, movies, walking thru the mall, support with I am going thru life struggles. I dont want to be hanging and waiting for a few minutes of attention. I deserve so much more...we all do.

 

God woman why!?! See this is the piece I missed. Where does it say that you can't do the above? And why would you agree to it if it is proposed?

 

If ANY relationship makes you feel like you are the only one jumping through hopes then quit jumping! Relationships are set up on verbal and nonverbal agreements. They are "contractually" written that both parties are in agreement. So rewrite your agreement. You can't make someone agree but you can put your side out there and stand by it.

[blue963]

Exactly what I meant. Because we are hanging on we may be missing the opportunity to have what we really want. No matter what an A is hard because you are not truly having your needs met and just settling often for what you can get.

[Got it]

Exactly what I meant. Because we are hanging on we may be missing the opportunity to have what we really want. No matter what an A is hard because you are not truly having your needs met and just settling often for what you can get.

 

Why!?! Blue, what I am saying, is you may be doing this but it isn't just because it is an affair that you are doing this. You are doing it because you are allowing it/agreeing to it. Why?

 

In my affair, I saw him 5 days a week, at least one over night, we had a trip every few months, he came to family events, we talked every day, weekends were not excluded, dinners, movies, you name it I can't recall it not being on the table. Why? Because I set up our relationship where these were not negotiable and he wanted them/agreed to them. And if he didn't, we wouldn't have dated.

 

Just because he is married doesn't mean you have to settle. Just because you wouldn't be settling doesn't mean you should date a married man. It is all about what you want to do. There are no concrete rules or requirements that you have to follow.

[blue963]

Every situation is different. It is all in what we need and are willing to accept.

[MissBee]

For a time, every OW believes their affair will be different. While I'm happy for the very few who have successfully moved out of an affair into a relationship or marriage, most do not. I still believe the price for it would have been too high in my situation. We don't deserve to be together but more importantly, he doesn't deserve me.

 

It doesn't begin as a flaw. It's hope, which is natural if you love someone. Still, no matter how "honest" APs can be, I still believe most affairs are doomed.

 

I didn't have the drama but I still ended up with unhealthy effects of my affair. I knew I was stressed, but I didn't realize how my expectations of what felt normal had changed until I met the man I'm dating now.

 

Ridiculous things...contact at any time, going anywhere at anytime with him, introducing our children, being able to talk about each other, vacations, etc etc etc. I didn't see most of the effects of my affair until I met the man I'm with now. He has been incredibly understanding and patient with me. I used to believe no one would ever look at me or love me like xMM did. I've been blessed with a man who has superseded that. He is present and consistent which is necessary for lasting love.

 

This relationship is not an affair. It's future isn't based on destroying anyone else's life. It isn't based on lies, secrets, or dreams of someday. It's peaceful and completely dependent on what we decide it will be. I don't have to wonder if my children will like him or if our kids will get along. I KNOW this by experiencing it.

 

This week, he needed to travel overseas for work. I simply took vacation and came with him. I have met his coworkers. This is the way it should be and I'm enjoying the simplicity of that normalcy. No secrecy.

 

Life is too short.

 

I could have posted this myself! Great post!

[MissBee]

Blue, like you I had the realization that he couldn't be with me during MY hard times. He'd say he was just a phone call/plane ride away...but was he really? If I had something really bad happen and I called him in the middle of the night, would he come and find me? No. No way. Coming to find me would require concocting an elaborate story for his wife about something that came up with one of his businesses and/or how suddenly he needed to fly to the east coast to be with his cousin who he rarely speaks to...and then backburner his family to come be with me. Would that be of comfort to me? No way.

 

I am alone these days. I am (for once) happier being alone than with anyone. It took me a good 6 months to move past the insanity of the exMM situation. FINALLY I am not pining for him and it feels good. I'd rather be alone than someone's secret, someone's reason to generate lies.

 

Thank you for this thread.

 

This is such a great post too and what it boiled down to for me.

 

Besides the 1% in affairs which include no secrecy, everyone knows, the MM can fly to be with them at the drop of a hat if they don't want to talk on skype and so on and so forth, well then none of these feelings apply....but for the average affair which includes limitations and secrecy and indeed being someone's reason to generate a lie, and accepting less than you really want, but you do so in hopes things will eventually be different, it becomes old after a while.

 

I did the A thing. I get it from experience and I get how even realizing you deserve more doesn't make it easy to leave and never look back. I get the attachment and all of that, but for me, being removed from it and like Red, having other non-A relationships esp after, you really realize how abnormal it is and how very different and better it feels to be in a regular R. All regular relationships aren't healthy mind you, and some regular relationships may include very dysfunctional A-like elements but like you Goodbye, I'd really rather be alone than go through all that. I'm simply not that desperate at this point in life.

 

As for GettingOver's point about not necessarily finding better if you "quit" the A, it's an interesting point. I would say though, and people are free to disagree: any OW who years and years have passed and they are still inlove and pining after a MM they are no longer with, is emotionally stuck and needs some extra help to get over that hurdle. I think if examined they may find that there may be certain fantasies or hopes they're holding on to which although they seem like they have "moved on", in their hearts and minds they have actually remained stuck in the same place for all these years, not fully over MM and still making this MM this idealized partner. So that's my first response to the OW or any woman or man who has not been with someone for yeaaars and still can't move on. I also think it comes down to whether or not you make being in a romantic relationship the sole value of your life. I think it's easier for people who are super into being in relationships to accept any kind of relationship, because they value being with someone, anyone, more than being in a productive situation. I have friends who ALWAYS have boyfriends and I KNOW that all these relationships aren't a good match, but for them, they would rather that than nothing. Me on the other hand, it is not easy for me to settle down exclusively unless I feel it is worth it, so I may date casually or have a longer term FWB type thing but not lots of serious bfs. Getting...to me it sounds like for you there is no point in not being with MM if you don't immediately have someone else to be with and I think that poses a problem for all kinds of people, including MM/MW themselves who are scared to leave their unhappy relationships unless they have another one to immediately jump into.

Edited November 5, 2013 by MissBee

[curiousGeorge2]

For a time, every OW believes their affair will be different. While I'm happy for the very few who have successfully moved out of an affair into a relationship or marriage, most do not. I still believe the price for it would have been too high in my situation. We don't deserve to be together but more importantly, he doesn't deserve me.

 

It doesn't begin as a flaw. It's hope, which is natural if you love someone. Still, no matter how "honest" APs can be, I still believe most affairs are doomed.

 

I didn't have the drama but I still ended up with unhealthy effects of my affair. I knew I was stressed, but I didn't realize how my expectations of what felt normal had changed until I met the man I'm dating now.

 

Ridiculous things...contact at any time, going anywhere at anytime with him, introducing our children, being able to talk about each other, vacations, etc etc etc. I didn't see most of the effects of my affair until I met the man I'm with now. He has been incredibly understanding and patient with me. I used to believe no one would ever look at me or love me like xMM did. I've been blessed with a man who has superseded that. He is present and consistent which is necessary for lasting love.

 

This relationship is not an affair. It's future isn't based on destroying anyone else's life. It isn't based on lies, secrets, or dreams of someday. It's peaceful and completely dependent on what we decide it will be. I don't have to wonder if my children will like him or if our kids will get along. I KNOW this by experiencing it.

 

This week, he needed to travel overseas for work. I simply took vacation and came with him. I have met his coworkers. This is the way it should be and I'm enjoying the simplicity of that normalcy. No secrecy.

 

Life is too short.

 

Interesting I was in your boat maybe 20 yrs ago. I had an emotional affair (I was single) with a married woman for 3 or 4 yrs. Finally she got tired of me and introduced me to a woman. I was down and out (unemployed for some years) at that time, desperate and vulnerable. Every happened just like what said, and the relationship felt so real and so refresh. Little did I notice that the shortcomings in her despite all the warning from my friends and parents. We got married three years late, and have 2 great kids. But our sex-life sucks and gradually we grew apart, now we are just like roommates. Early this year I started an emotional affair with another woman. Oh life goes in cycles.

[Got it]

Every situation is different. It is all in what we need and are willing to accept.

 

Of course it is. What I am saying is that you don't have to accept what you find unacceptable.