bobbybobb Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Hi Everyone! This is my first post on the forum, but I have been reading a lot the last months :-) Just writing about my situation might make me feel better and I hope some of you might shine some light on it! Here we go! 4 months ago I met this wonderful girl, who is 32 years old (me too). I already knew her, but had not seen her in two years before that moment. The first time I met her was during a party and we really clicked, during that time she lived with her boyfriend. She was together with him for 6 years, the last 4 they lived together. From what I heard (and seen, cause I met him) he is a total dick who kinda put her down and made her a shy person (which she totally isn't). So probably after the breakup with that guy 5 months before we met she got her own vibe back. She is fun and energetic now, like she used to be! I will come back to the whole ex thingy later on. She has a lot of friends in common, so that's how I met her 4 months ago, during a social gettogether in the summer. She joined and the first thing I thought was: "I am going to kiss this girl tonight". Never had that feeling before this strong. And so we did. We dated and dated after that and things became very awesome! We started off slowly, like once, twice a week, but in the 3rd month we saw each other 3/4/5 times a week, ranging from dinner, to parties, sleeping over, watching 5 movies in a row, cuddling.. I felt we were becoming a thing together! It really clicked, same interests etc etc. She was always very forward in contacting me. I was more laidback, because I screwed things up in the past by being too forward and smothering. Anyway.. There were no signs things were going the wrong way and I was falling for her big time! And I just knew she felt something for me, i could see it in her eyes. Eyes don't lie.. We met each others friends etc, we were sharing our lives with each other. It really was more than a fling or rebound. She did once tell me she liked me very much. I told her once too, but she responded (in the 2nd month): is it OK if for now it's just fun? Not the response I was hoping for, but I am a big believer in 'Actions speak louder than words'. And she approached me a lot during the 4 months, so I assumed that said enough.. We always whatsapped during the morning and during the evening when we were not together. One weekend she came over on a fridaynight and we slept together and the whole saturday we chilled and watched movies together, like we always did. A friend and his gf came over to borrow something (will get to that later) Then BAM the sunday after things became weird.. Suddenly there were more then 24 hours between texts and I was getting the feeling she was gonna end it! I felt horrible.. She responded very 'matter of factly' to my messages to hang out, like: "Mm, i will see how the evening goes, I have other plans".. etc etc. totally different then the texts before, which would go like: "Would be fun, but I have other plans, so let's stay in touch tonight ok?". But she was also still contacting me, so there wasn't a cold turkey or anything. Anyway, that friday a week after the one I just mentioned I was going out with friends and texted her to come over. She did come over and I thought: everything is OK, i am just imagining it all.. But i wasn't.. She told me she had so much thoughts the last week. That (not out of the ordinairy) movie day was a sort of trigger for her to think: OMG, this is going somewhere, that moment his friends came over in our personal space was a trigger, I am not ready.. So I told her let's go outside, where we talked and kissed. She told me a lot of times: ohh you are soo not making this easy for me! So we kissed again . We went to her house and made out and talked a lot. I spent the night and we slept together in the morning, after which she really became quiet and told me she did not know what to do, cause she liked me, but she has so much past which she needs to process. She was in tears. She did no know if I was filling up a hole (no pun intended) or if she really liked me. Anyway, it was too soon for her to be doing something like this and she felt miserable. So I left and it was very emotional. After that we texted once. Me (sort of what i said): I am not angry. I like you and hope to see you again. Hope you feel better. Her: I feel so bad about it, I need time to think about my feelings.. Then NC from my side, but she was drunk the friday after and she contacted me to see how I was doing.. I said : stop giving me mixed signals. she totally agreed and felt very bad about it (a friend told me she felt ashamed about that drunk texting) Basically it is this: Her bf broke up with her 5 months before we met, with whom she was together for 6 years. They have a history together. Her father died 2 years ago while being with that bf's family. So she has a lot of ties still (and a lot of emotional baggage). She has a very demanding job. She had a burnout two years ago and was very down. Her bf wasn't supportive and cheated on her. She started working again really slowly, but is working fulltime again, making very long days. (I think her work is an escape and another burn out is waiting to happen, she isn't recovered yet from the pain). She is like this very fun and interesting girl with a lot of emotional scars, which she talks about, but we'll never know the real pain inside. This makes me want her even more arrghh And yeah on a lot of relation/ dating sites a lot of guys might go: blablabla her interest level was down etc etc.. You need to date new girls! This isn't like that at all. It is like something from a movie. Life happened and she really needs to process a lot. A mutual friend also told me: Get on, for now it is just not gonna happen. Maybe in the future but not now. So basically my thing is: It is over. That much is certain. But i can't help but to feel hope. She needs time to think, cause suddenly it was becoming a relationship and that scared her. Family and friends knew about me and vice versa. But the last moments she gave off a lot of mixed signals, by kissing, let me sleep over etc etc. She told me she didn't know why she did this, she is so confused about everything. This friend told me she liked me but for now it is just not gonna happen, get on. So.. long story short. We liked each other, dated and had so much fun and intimacy. She got scared and has a past. Told me she is confused. There is this aura of hope around the whole situation and it is driving me nuts!!!! What should I do? Many thanks for reading!!
headinthecloud Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Thank you for sharing your story and I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds like she really enjoys your company but, unfortunately, she is not emotionally available. She has a lot of pain from her past and she hasn't dealt with it yet. You were, in fact, a rebound. She BU with you as soon as she recognized it which means she's not a bad person, she tried to do right by you. As much as you care for her you have to let her go. She is not ready to be in a relationship, and perhaps for years. Getting over the death of her father with an ex bf who cheated and didn't support her - that's a mountain of emotional pain to overcome that only she can do the work. You can't do the work for her, no matter how supportive you are. You loved her. It's ok. That's a wonderful thing, be proud you had the courage. But yours is a story of unrequainted love. Let her go. Go full NC and let go of the hope of what could have been. As they say, if it's meant to be...but don't keep the flame of hope alive or you might risk overlooking a woman who could compliment your life completely. Have faith in what will be. 1
Author bobbybobb Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Dear Headinthecloud I don't know you but your post made my eyes water. Thank you. I have felt like **** the last 2 weeks, thinking about her. Thinking about, indeed, what could have been.. The term rebound has such a nasty association. But I never accepted being one. I even asked her: I am not your rebound right? And she said : ofcourse not. And it lasted 4 months... She made me fall in love and I'm kinda angry with her for that. But now I feel what she might feel tenfold. Getting over someone you have been with for 6 years must feel even worse.. I am not ready to date yet, but I think I will be in a month or 2. Can't stop thinking about her. Hope is a weird thing, but I need to let it go.. Its gonna be hard Thanks again where ever you are.
girlwithabrokenheart Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 She just wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet, but she didn't know it until 4 months down the road. Six years is a lot to get over. It's going to take longer than 5 months for most people. My relationship was almost 3 years, it's been over 2 months and I'm not nearly ready. I was in a situation similar to her 2 months after my BU. I started going on a few dates with this guy. We went to lunch one day, went to the bars one evening, and stayed in for movie night the other time. The last two of the dates I slept over and we kissed and cuddled. The next morning after our last date I felt really weird. I looked over at him and I just wasn't really attracted to him anymore. I felt stupid for being there and I just wanted to leave. Sometimes your feelings can change in a heartbeat and you can't really help it. I was just jumping into something too soon. But your situation is worse because you were seeing each other for 4 months, where there are a lot of feelings involved. I feel for you and the girl. Both of you are grieving.
Author bobbybobb Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 Hello girlwithabrokenheart! Thank you so much for responding! I feel sorry for your breakup! Knowing heartbreak for the first time in my life I can say that I hope you will feel better soon! Yeah, the fact that it went on for so long made me think it was more than a rebound, we were becoming part of each others lives and I started to develop feelings.. Anyway, i hope you feel better too, it's nice (stupid word in this situation) to see there are a lot of people on here sharing feelings..
girlwithabrokenheart Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 Break ups are terrible! I thought I was going to marry this guy and then out of no where he says he feels like something is missing and needs to figure out his life. Three weeks later, he is hanging out with a new girl. I was crushed. So after my mishaps with dating since the BU, I've decided to stay 100% single, no dates or nothing for a LONG time lol. Plus, I really need some "me" time to figure out where my life is going.
Author bobbybobb Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 What a horrible situation! I feel for you! I can imagine your 'me' time and being single for a while. No need to jump into something new.. I find people who are capable of doing that heartless.. I don't know your ex bf, but going out with a new girl within 3 weeks is a horrible thing to do.. That is my biggest fear, that the girl will be dating soon with another guy.. 1
girlwithabrokenheart Posted November 5, 2013 Posted November 5, 2013 (edited) You know, I'm a bit torn what to think about the new girl. He told me during the break up that he didn't mean to hurt me and that he needed to move on because it wasn't fair to either of us if he continued on. He felt like something was missing and it left him empty inside. I get his reasons for breaking up. If he felt like ending our relationship was something that he needed to do then he has that right. I understand where he is coming from. But I just don't get why he didn't try harder to fight for us. He said he only felt like that for a week. It just hurts me to think that he would give up on us after only a short period. I think the girl is just his way of moving on. I don't think he intended to meet anyone it just happened and he was lonely and missed the companionship. So basically, he's just filling a void. We're only 22 and started dating when we were 19, so we're young. Idk what the future holds, but a part of me still wants him back and another part doesn't. I see now that he's just being selfish and has absolutely no idea what he wants in life. I feel like he may be the type of guy that is never really 100% satisfied. He may seem "happy" with her now but who knows what will happen. But back to your situation, in all honesty, I would just try and move on as much as you can. Find another girl who is more ready to be in a relationship! Edited November 5, 2013 by girlwithabrokenheart
Author bobbybobb Posted November 5, 2013 Author Posted November 5, 2013 You might be right about the girl.. I think it is a way of coping with the break up and the feelings that go along with it. She is a filler for feelings.. Well I really hope you find a way to give the breakup a nice place in your life. sorry for my english Being on this board makes me feel better and makes me understand a lot.. You have your whole life in front of you, it will be good life!
penultimatethrow Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Bobbybobb, I'm in such a similar situation right now. I loved her - still love her, I guess - but she's just not able to have a relationship right now. Too much baggage and pain from the past to process. I'm trying to go NC even though I miss her like crazy and want to talk to her, and we both hoped when we broke up that we'd be back together eventually. But I have to go NC until we can approach it from a new perspective, if we ever approach it again at all. Maybe years away, if ever I hope it helps to know someone else is in the same boat, it certainly helped me to read your story. Good luck brother, stay strong and message me if you want to talk and swap stories or get NC support 1
xUnknown Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 Bobbybobb, I'm in such a similar situation right now. I loved her - still love her, I guess - but she's just not able to have a relationship right now. Too much baggage and pain from the past to process. I'm trying to go NC even though I miss her like crazy and want to talk to her, and we both hoped when we broke up that we'd be back together eventually. But I have to go NC until we can approach it from a new perspective, if we ever approach it again at all. Maybe years away, if ever I hope it helps to know someone else is in the same boat, it certainly helped me to read your story. Good luck brother, stay strong and message me if you want to talk and swap stories or get NC support I'm right there with ya. Everything you said above, 100% fits me. I'm coming up on 4wks as of friday post BU, 6 weeks since the "break"
penultimatethrow Posted November 6, 2013 Posted November 6, 2013 I'm right there with ya. Everything you said above, 100% fits me. I'm coming up on 4wks as of friday post BU, 6 weeks since the "break" *high five or hugs, whichever you prefer* Sigh. Look to the future, right? Someone's out there. And even if we struggle to find them, we always have ourselves. Sometimes I even successfully believe that
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