Do I break up with her because she can't have kids?

[anne1707]

She sounds inflexible and not open to compromise nor team solutions, so I'd launch her for those reasons.

 

Compromise? This is about children. There is no compromise on this. It is all or nothing.

 

As someone who wanted children but not possible, adoption or surrogacy etc were not options we wanted to progress. We preferred to focus on us rather than let our lives be dominated by trying to have children by non-standard means.

[NJtoDC]

She sounds inflexible and not open to compromise nor team solutions, so I'd launch her for those reasons.

 

The GF hasn't been given an opportunity to compromise from what it looks like. He hasn't told her that he is no longer on the same page about not having kids- which they were in the beginning.

 

OP- Your original question "Should I break up with my girlfriend because she can't have kids" isn't the real question. You have changed your mind about something you and GF were in agreement on in the begining.

 

If you now need children, and you are willing to have children by surrogacy, fostering, or adoption- AND you want to also spend the rest of your life with this woman who seems perfect other than this difference- have a real heart to heart with her. Give her the opportunity to think about changing her mind. Up until now she has had no reason to reconsider.

 

Perhaps she can be persuaded. I would also decide what you want to do and when if she is unyielding.

 

Best of luck to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was told I couldn't have kids.

 

I had one miscarriage.

 

Then I had my daughter.

It took three years of no birth control, I even got FOUR dogs because I wasn't supposed to be able to have them. Surprise!

 

What is her actual diagnosis? And if she does want children, not going through a gestational surrogate seems, well, odd...

 

How does she know for sure that she can't have kids? Who told her that? What was she diagnosed with? Do you know how many mom-friends I have that were told they would never have kids?

 

Assuming she really CAN'T have kids (she has no uterus and/or no ovaries), she's 22. And she wants kids. As she gets older and more accepting of her limitations, she just may open up to more options. Fertility medicine will continue to advance. More options will become available. Her mindset will change.

 

Trust me on this. Trust me. When you want something bad enough, you are willing to walk through fire for it. But she's only 22. That fire isn't burning very strongly yet.

 

But she wants kids.

 

And that's enough for me to say you should put kids on the back burner for now and continue the relationship.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way, I mentioned "not wanting kids" a lot simply because I was told I couldn't have them.

 

So it became a "making the best out if it" and through looking at the positives I decided I hadn't wanted them badly anyhow.

 

Then the pregnancy was viable, and I got into it more as it progressed. It was a tough adjustment until I looked at her the night she was born.

 

I doubt most people are 110% convicted on kids before they have them.

My husband, as well, did not think he would do well with it, but she's his little lady and he loves her very much. His world revolves around our daughter and I couldn't be prouder.

[carhill]

Compromise? This is about children. There is no compromise on this. It is all or nothing.

 

As someone who wanted children but not possible, adoption or surrogacy etc were not options we wanted to progress. We preferred to focus on us rather than let our lives be dominated by trying to have children by non-standard means.

There's compromise on *everything*, even death. People compromise every day.

 

She's essentially saying 'my way or the highway'.

 

I take the highway. Good riddance.

 

The GF hasn't been given an opportunity to compromise from what it looks like. He hasn't told her that he is no longer on the same page about not having kids- which they were in the beginning.

 

She forestalled any compromise by the assertions related by the OP. OP, are those her words or yours?

Edited November 17, 2013 by carhill
Added more.

[anne1707]

But for two years the OP was on the highway with her. He is the one who has changed and moved away from what they had jointly agreed. The OP is entitled go do that but his girlfriend has done nothing wrong here. She has been open and consistent.

[bubbaganoosh]

You knew going in the relationship that she couldn't have kids and it didn't bother you but if she is what you say she is and the perfect girl for you, then the saying "a bird in the hand" comes to mind.

 

I have a feeling that if you break up with her, it will come back and haunt you. This isn't something that she sprung on you just now.

 

Who knows. she's young and right now it bothers her in a big time way because of her situation but whose to say that she won't have a change of heart down the road and want to adopt a child or hire a surrogate. People do change their minds.

[FitChick]

Studies have consistently shown over many decades that marital satisfaction plummets with the birth of a child. If the couple manages to stay together, after the kid leaves, marital satisfaction goes up. Hmmm, what can we logically deduce from that?

 

Usually, though, the couple divorces. I date divorced men and they aren't afraid to tell me that this is true and true for their divorced friends. The woman has the kids she wants and then boots out the husband and keeps the house and gets child support. The man is basically a sperm donor.

 

People live in a fantasy world of what it's like to be a parent, thanks to the media portrayal. Sort of like Santa Claus. I'm always surprised at how many people who profess to want their own kids never spend time with any kids, so are clueless. It's the children who suffer when the parents realize they've made a mistake.

 

At least if you are rich, you can hire a nanny to take care of it for you and haul it out for family Christmas cards.

 

If you don't want to leave her, get a puppy and see if you can manage that.

[ByMyself01]

I've been dating my GF for just about 3 years now and I don't know if I want to be with her. She's perfect. She's an amazing GF, I couldn't ask for better. She really is the best GF I've had. BUT she can't have kids. I knew this before we started dating, or shortly after, and was fine with it. I was fine with it for the first 2 years of the relationship, couldn't care less. It was the one thing I was sure I'd never leave her over, and I told her that often. But about a year ago it started to change. She got pregnant and (like we knew we would) we lost the baby. After that I found myself wanting to have kids, even though I didn't care before. That desire got stronger and stronger and now I really want to have kids. But if I'm with her I will never have kids.

 

To clear it up, biological kids are not an option because of health issues with her. She will NOT use a surrogate and does not want to adopt. So lets pretend those aren't even options. Basically, no kids, no exceptions.

 

But I love her. Before we dated and for the whole relationship it's something that she has been worried about a lot. I had to promise her a lot that I'd never leave her because of that and I'd be completely happy without kids. But now that's a lie. She is completely in love with me and expects that we're getting engaged right away, I led her on with that because it's what I planned/thought would happen. Last Christmas I said we'd be engaged "this time next year". So that's what she expects, not a break up.

 

I hate it because otherwise she is so perfect. She's beautiful and has an amazing personality and is an amazing GF, we get along perfect. She's the best I've had. So I don't know what to do. Do I try and ignore the desire for kids or break up with her? Telling her will crush her because that's her biggest fear and the one thing I promised her.

 

Take this from a woman who has issues with getting pregnant. DO NOT LEAVE her, because I believe that anybody and everybody can have a baby with proper care. I know some people try hard and never succeed, but in my years of living, I have heard/seen so many miracles of people having children who thought they could not. I believe as long as she has the organs, she can get pregnant and being the fact she has already gotten pregnant, the chances of her giving birth are even that more possible. Don't give up on her, be patient with her. That's what a loving partner would do. How old are you and her?

[Johnson1]

Please disregard advice from the bitter and jaded stating unscientific statistics and ramblings from his own negative experiences. You also will find a lot of counter arguments of how kids bring people together.

 

The statistics I have come from numeruos married guys I know, not only my own experiences. Not only that, take a look at the high divorce rate in todays world. That speaks volumes in of itself. Its no secret the stress kids put on a marriage. Find me one guy on here that can say that kids brought him and his wife closer together, especially when a couple has been together long enough to raise kids to their teen years.

[FitChick]

Money, lack of communication and emotional neglect are the top few reasons for divorce...not children.

Having children puts a financial strain on a marriage.

Lack of communication due to prioritizing the kids who demand attention.

Emotional neglect because the woman puts the kids before her husband.

 

The only time kids aren't the cause of divorce is when there aren't any.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I'm 27 and she's 22.

 

She wants kids, but only wants her own kids, from her own body. She just can't have them.

 

You're young-ish but she's very young...if this is her only issues you might want to seek out a specialist and make sure this is entirely impossible, maybe even consult a few different doctors to have multiple opinions on the matter.

 

Otherwise, you can give it some time...she might change her mind on the adoption situation, and she might just be going through those emotions of not being able to have children...it might be a painful reminder to adopt that she cannot have her own, some women understandably can take that very hard...it's a shame that women who don't want children can't switch out their parts with women who do...and would hopefully make good stable parents of course.

 

There are a lot of kids in my family, and quite a few of my friends have started having kids over the last 3 years. So I've spent a lot of time with them. Before I use to find kids annoying, now when I see them out I find them cute and want that. Like a very strong desire to have that. If I see any kid doing something remotely cute I feel like a little girl with a puppy. My heart just melts and I want it. It's been like that for just over a year. It started after my GF had a miscarriage. We both got excited for it, thinking maybe the pregnancy would hold but it didn't. Mentally I prepared for a kid. I don't think I realized how much I wanted one until I was actually going to have one.

 

I'm not entirely sure you're ready to have kids, but then again who is...who would be prepared or could imagine the experience of having your own children versus just taking care of them...every parent has told me it's different with your own kids.

 

So I do reject your desire or feeling to have children, and I can also understand that the miscarriage triggered some maternal instincts within you...just really reflect however and make sure it's coming from the right place...really feel it out and think it through, seriously and try to be objective about it and why you feel this way, you could be experiencing some trauma from losing a child psychologically but I'm not therapist, but make sure you're very confident in how you feel about this instead of just reacting and saying yes, you absolutely want them.

 

Otherwise if you're as sure as you can be then that's the case, just be certain about it.

 

I don't know how important it is to me, but the desire/want/need feelings are very strong. I hate the thought of never having kids.

 

If I stay with her how do I stop feeling like this? I've been acting a bit different towards her. I don't spend as much time with her and just seem distant. I don't want to resent her. I also don't want to be unfair to her. Should I tell her how I feel even though it would really hurt her, whether I leaver her or not?

 

I think you've got some time and nothing is going to happen overnight anyway...so just try and communicate and discuss this with your partner and really listen and understand what and why she feels the way she does about adopting or making seeking out other medical advice or maybe she's just not ready right now...she's fairly younger than you are so I think for maturity sake it's definitely worth her waiting a few years at least to think this through, she'd be too young IMO there's too much growing up to do in your early 20's and things can change, you might not even make it that far realistically speaking

 

 

You should tell her how you really feel....not that you would leave her for it. Get the emotions and opinions out on the table and see if there's a compromise there...that's what you do in relationships instead of just jump to your own conclusions unless you're just really just done with the relationship and don't have the desire to continue on.

 

Don't make a decision like this without consultation and working this through, if this is truly the only problem. If you need to move on in the end then so be it.

[maysj18]

Let's also not forget, OP, that she's ONLY 22. Is she done with school? Settled? You've got to let her grow up. I'm only 22 and having children is the LAST thing on my mind.

[nomadic_butterfly]

The statistics I have come from numeruos married guys I know, not only my own experiences. Not only that, take a look at the high divorce rate in todays world. That speaks volumes in of itself. Its no secret the stress kids put on a marriage. Find me one guy on here that can say that kids brought him and his wife closer together, especially when a couple has been together long enough to raise kids to their teen years.

 

The #1 cause of divorce is MONEY, NOT KIDS. This doesn't mean that they may never contribute to a marriage's demise, but they are NOT the primary cause. As I have ALREADY SAID POOR/LACK OF COMMUNICATION, the INABILITY/UNWILLINGNESS TO COMPROMISE and NOT DISCUSSING IMPORTANT THINGS BEFORE marriage are at the heart of many divorces/break ups. If you haven't married yet I suggest you go to successfully/married people of decades and insightful divorcees that can tell you what THEY DID WRONG.

[CarrieT]

Has the OP even come back after twelve days of this thread???